What is right and wrong? Is there a right and a wrong or is there just what human kind has named what is benifical to the self or to others. Or are these simply symptoms of right and wrong? Regahn continued to think about this as he uncosiously pushed the scoped magnum into the face of the man he once believed to be his father.
"Regahn..... don't....." said the man in a timid voice.
This snaped Regahn back to reality after three minutes.
"Why not?" asked Regahn looking confused.
He looked down at the gun. This seemed like a very good thing to do, so he decided he should probably give the man some of the reasons why he should end his life in a way that would be benificial to all.
"You made me believe you where my father. You tricked me into killing them by making me believe they where the ones who murdered my family."
"You don't know whats happened Regahn."
"I was there during my life wasn't I? I should know rather well what has happened."
"You think that because you read it all on the wall in your room and peiced it together in your twisted mind!"
"You put this thing inside me."
"Did you ever ask yourself if that was even your handwrighting?"
"You made the screaming, you caused all the screaming. Thats why I had to pull them from my mind."
"I can show you what you are Regahn, I can make them stop whispering-"
"And you never changed the curtains." Regahn said, and fired the magnum for the first time at someone other than himself.

I can't really say much about it. You haven't given us much to work with - and majority of the post is just dialogue. Can't day exactly say more until I see more. :shrug:

I meant to put it that way. I'm hoping that if I leave everything open with many questions people will want to continue to follow. Now that I think about its similar to Memento in alot of ways. So this is prety much apreview instead of a first chapter.

Personally, what got to me were these: Lack of detail, too much dialog in such a short post, too little to work with, overall length wasn't something I particularly liked, and not enough detail or description of what was happening in between dialog.

If you worked on those, you'd probably pick my attention up. And it does sort of resemble Memento, but I didn't like that movie. :shrug:

(Note: Words writen in bold are things going on in Regahn's mind. This happens alot)
Regahn's jounral 4/3/78
I finished killing him last week. I continue to forget why so I have written out some reasons.
1. There never was a cult of assassins, just his blind phsycotic rage. No that can't be it, he would have to gain something by killing my family and then making me believe the ones I killed where part of the cult. Does it matter why he did it though? I guess it does if it can impact some future events, but then again who sees the future that I know? How can someone see something that is unsure? And if the future is already set out then whats the point of existing? Or are there no reasons and we just make them up to give orselves the illiusion of sanity?
I'll write more reasons later if I'm alive. But today is the day I escape the place I've been kept over the last fourteen years.
Chapter 1: What happens in Vegas
Regahn sat there in the dark. For once he didn't know where to begin. The man was lying on the floor next to him, most likley dead (he did shoot him twice in the face after all). How was he going to get out of here. He always thought the man was part of some higher force causing these things to happen but he soon found out that there was only him and his own self intrest. Why he was doing these things, Regahn never expected to know seeing as he was looking pretty dead at that point. He never wanted Regahn to know, thats why he turned on the lights. The lights that made Regahn confused and unable to move. Thats when he would implant the thing. The thing that controlled his thoughts so he couldn't remember what happened yesterday. But Regahn soon figured this out. Things weren't right so he began writing out the things he did and learned every day in the one place he looked every day. Under his bed. He knew the things he read happened but he couldn't remember them. Thats why he kept the journal.
He then decided what he had to do next.
He would escape first and find someone to get the thing out. It was in his neck, in front of the spine. He found this most likley because of the scar there and because that way it could easily affect what he was thinking.
He got up and looked around the room. He then quickly dismanteled his entire bed and used one of the poles to pry the door open. The door opened upwards. Regahn stood in amazment. He had never been here without a blind fold being led to some other dark, cold place to track down some one who he believed he wanted to kill. He walked down the corridor and up the stairs. This took him around fourty minutes because he had to check for things like traps and stability.
He contiued to walk. The place was huge as he soon discovered. Finaly he came to a room with several computers. All of them where turned off, the place seemed to have no power. Which was probably why the man only lit the room with candels. Rgahn once used them to set the curtains in fire. The curtains where Puce. He hated everything about puce and when he looked at the curtains they always made him throw up violently.
By this point in his life Regahn could see very well in the dark and soon noticed the round desk was elevated andthere where stairs leading down beneath it. His first thought was to jump out of the small circular glass window. So he attempted to and soon discovered the glass was bullet proof which was why there was always littile oxygen. So seeing no better way to go he (very) slowly descended the stairs. The stair eventualy led to a controll room with a window. When he looked out the window he could vaguley see a huge door in the shape of a gear. Thats when he learned he was in a vault. He knew what a vault was from the book he found on one of his assassinations. It was a history book and Regahn ,of corse, believed none of it. He figured he would need power to open the door seeing as this is what doors usualy do other than keep things out. But then he saw the door was already open.
Why were there no people in the vault? He wondered. There where usualy mass amounts of humans in the vault. Not that Regahn was complaining seeing as he didn't like humans much. He also didn't like being human but there wasn't much he could do to change that. He then wondered why he was still standing there when what he wanted was so close to him. At this he ran through the door checking for radiation levels as he ran and soon ran face first into a wooden door. The door was almost as unstable as he was and emidietley smashed from the force of his face sending him sprawling out into the world he very excited about meeting. And he met it face first and painfuly. He then looked up at the sky for the first time sence he was four. And as soon as he did he saw twelve and a half men standing around him pointing assult rifels in his general direction.

Okay, I've been asked when new chapters will be put out (sorry about the slow begining) and it will probably be wedsdays and thursdays.

Before adding new chapters, you need to break up the text, as of now, it's a 'wall'. Break it by paragraph or two.

Note: Regahn has the ability to act where most humans would be forzen in place by fear.
CHAPTER 2:Lethal Paranoia
"Okay, what is happening?" Regahn thought as he looked at the first people he had met on the outside in fourteen years, who also happened to be holding guns on him.
"Hmmm, I'm out of the vault. The sky has a strange redish yellow colour which means its probably...... noon."
"Whats he doing, why is he just lying there?" One of the mercenaries asked. "Usualy, they will say something like don't shoot, or I like remaining intact."
"Dude, why do you always talk like a language tutor in front of people we are most likley going to shoot?" Another mercinary asked.
"I mean, don't you want them to think your at least literate before you put thirty seven holes in them?"
"By the way, that does seem like a waste of ammo."
"Your the only one who shoots, we just sit back and watch. I'm suprised you havent noticed yet."
"What? Then why is it that whenever we're in a firefight and I need a clip no one seems to have one?"
"Because we know you'll waste all on some random mutant passing by."
"Speaking of which, are you sure we were supposed to shoot this one."
"Wait....... is this-"
Reghan continued to lie there, facinated with their dull argument. Then something very confusing happened. Three of the mercenaries looked different. Then Regahn noticed one's head was not there, the one standing next to that had a large entrey and exit wound in his side, and the one standing next to him was missing a foot. Regahn felt a relief that soon ended when he saw a fragmentation grenade hit one of them in the eye and land next to Regahn's head. On instinct he picked up the grenade and threw it back at the person who wasn't doing very well with saving him.
"Hey?!" he heard a strangley familiar voice shout.
He was suddenly very scared, exited, and much more confused than he was normaly. Then one of the mercenaries put another gun on him and pulled the trigger. At the same time the half blind merc stumbled into his gun and pushed it so that all of the bullets missed Regahn by a few uncomftorble inches. Regahn then threw one of the pins he kept in his trench coat sleeve at the merc who was shooting madly now. It hit him in the eye and emidietly put it out. He screamed and ran into the other half blind merc who was just starting to recover. He saw the grenade land on the merc's back (this had all happened very fast) and he emidietly threw it back again.
"Hey stop that!" His failure of a savior yelled.
He threw the grenade back and it exploded in mid-air before coming near Regahn and the mercinaries. But Regahn didn't even notice. It was then that he recognised the voice. He was suprised he was able to recognise him at all seeing as he last saw him when the where both only four. Reghan stood there with his mouth slightly open while the two mercinaries' heads exploded behind him. Then hes thoughts emidietly frame-shifted.
"Awww blood is always so hard to wash out."
Milo jumped over the rock he was hiding behind.
"I can honestly say I didn't expect that. That vault has been sealed closed for as long as I can remember. Then it suddenly opened up and all the lights went out. Then you ran streight through that door and met our unpleasent mercanarie group. Wow they've been trying to get in for the past two years."
"Milo?" Regahn said.
Milo emidietly put the 50 cal. sniper rifel to Regahn's head.
"I should have guessed, when I saw you weren't wearing a vault suit I knew something wasn't right. So which bastard sent you? Flourence? Most likley, I did recently blow his tower in half. But he deserved it-"
"Regahn...... Milo, you Milo-o-oooo-"
"Re-what? Are you druged?"
"ooooo-oh?" Regahn asked too confused to form basic words.
"I'll take that as a yes."
Milo then attempted to nock Regahn out with a magnum but Regahn just stood there even when the blood from the blunt force cut drained into his eye. it was then that Milo instinctivley begain to feel worried for Regahn and just pushed him over into the shoping cart he pushed around everywhere. Milo then sat in the top part of the cart and pushed them off with the sniper rifel like a row boat. At a very inconvienient tme Regahn's mind returned to him and he screamed "MILO!" and jumped out of his painful position and hugged the steerer of the cart that was very close to the edge of a canion with an electric plant in the center of it. And inevitably they fell over the edge and landed "safley" inbetween the electrical conductors.
"Christ!" Milo yelled at him. "What the bloody hell is wrong with you?!"
"Many things!" Regahn exclaimed happily. This was the most convienient thing that had ever happened to him.
This was cut short when the behemoth that lived near the plant lurched up wards out of a pile of garbage and threw a large electrical conducter near them. He Missed them by a good twenty yards due to the shopping cart now sticking into both eyes. This was very lucky seeing as it emidietly exploded, which then caused a chain reaction of the other conductors exploding which was very unlucky because Regahn and Milo where inbetween two of them.
"Can you not obvoid death at all?" Milo yelled at Regahn.
They sprinted away from the exploding conductors and where caught in the last two explosions, throwing them forwards. While Regahn was in the air he deduced that he was likley going to land about eight ninths of a mile away from where he was origionaly connected to the earth. This sadened him seeing as optimal recovery time from this was three days. He decided the best way to land was to skid across his lower back just next to his spine. Milo however was too baffeled to think streight and landed on his knees with the momentom throwing his head into the growned. This nearley nocked him out and as he was slowly regaining consiousness he saw Regahn lurch sideways as the Behemoth threw another metalic plate at him.
"Regahn....." He thought."Regahn.........."
"REGAHN!" He shouted at a very convienient time and threw himself onto Regahn hugging him out of the way of the Behemoth Charging at them wthout either noticing.
Regahn looked over at the person hugging him and said "Who the hell are you?"

Your not following shadow's advice, you have to break up that wall text. Also put spaces between the dialouge, it also makes it easier to read. Here's an example:



It would be better if it was read like:

"Dude, why do you always talk like a language tutor in front of people we are most likley going to shoot?" Another mercinary asked.

"I mean, don't you want them to think your at least literate before you put thirty seven holes in them?"

"By the way, that does seem like a waste of ammo."

"Your the only one who shoots, we just sit back and watch. I'm suprised you havent noticed yet."

It just makes it easier to read. One more thing:



You spelled frozen wrong.

I'm just going to reiterate what the great Yttrium said.

You have pretty good writing but it could benefit a lot from simple paragraph structuring. Instead of one huge block of text try to separate the text by event, or scene, or underlying theme....or anything really. To be honest I can't really evaluate your writing very well because it's massive block structure makes it hard for me to read more than a couple sentences. Try what Ytt suggested and I have no doubt you'll immediately realize how much better it looks.

I considered doing it for you and reposting your first post just to show how much of a difference it can make, but I couldn't determine whether or not that would be rude. I don't want to be rude.

Sorry for the spelling, I sometimes write fast and it can get jumbled together. Its getting better though.
Ya, I'm still looking through other posts and trying to make it less confusing. The way some people have been telling me how to break it up hasn't made scence but hopefully by the time I finish the third chapter I will have the dialog figured out.

Your not being rude dude (damn it I rhymed again) but about the huge block of text thing. I'm trying to make the scenes pushed in together at the begining to show how confused and unexpierienced Regahn is (the mercinaries, meeting Milo, and the behemoth all seeming to happen close to the same time is an example). Gradualy as he gets more sorted you'll see a noticable transition between scenes and more in them. In this, the story is really writen the way his mental state is. This is going to be alot harder in the last few chapters because I'm going to try to make these into actual machinimas.

I'm going to take Mr.Smiley's advice and redo Chapter One with spaces to show you the difference:

Chapter 1: What happens in Vegas

Regahn sat there in the dark. For once he didn't know where to begin. The man was lying on the floor next to him, most likley dead (he did shoot him twice in the face after all). How was he going to get out of here. He always thought the man was part of some higher force causing these things to happen but he soon found out that there was only him and his own self intrest. Why he was doing these things, Regahn never expected to know seeing as he was looking pretty dead at that point. He never wanted Regahn to know, thats why he turned on the lights.

The lights that made Regahn confused and unable to move. Thats when he would implant the thing. The thing that controlled his thoughts so he couldn't remember what happened yesterday. But Regahn soon figured this out. Things weren't right so he began writing out the things he did and learned every day in the one place he looked every day. Under his bed. He knew the things he read happened but he couldn't remember them.

Thats why he kept the journal.
He then decided what he had to do next.
He would escape first and find someone to get the thing out. It was in his neck, in front of the spine. He found this most likley because of the scar there and because that way it could easily affect what he was thinking.
He got up and looked around the room. He then quickly dismanteled his entire bed and used one of the poles to pry the door open. The door opened upwards. Regahn stood in amazment. He had never been here without a blind fold being led to some other dark, cold place to track down some one who he believed he wanted to kill. He walked down the corridor and up the stairs. This took him around fourty minutes because he had to check for things like traps and stability.

He contiued to walk. The place was huge as he soon discovered. Finaly he came to a room with several computers. All of them where turned off, the place seemed to have no power. Which was probably why the man only lit the room with candels. Rgahn once used them to set the curtains in fire. The curtains where Puce. He hated everything about puce and when he looked at the curtains they always made him throw up violently.

By this point in his life Regahn could see very well in the dark and soon noticed the round desk was elevated andthere where stairs leading down beneath it. His first thought was to jump out of the small circular glass window. So he attempted to and soon discovered the glass was bullet proof which was why there was always littile oxygen. So seeing no better way to go he (very) slowly descended the stairs. The stair eventualy led to a controll room with a window. When he looked out the window he could vaguley see a huge door in the shape of a gear. Thats when he learned he was in a vault. He knew what a vault was from the book he found on one of his assassinations. It was a history book and Regahn ,of corse, believed none of it. He figured he would need power to open the door seeing as this is what doors usualy do other than keep things out. But then he saw the door was already open.

Why were there no people in the vault? He wondered. There where usualy mass amounts of humans in the vault. Not that Regahn was complaining seeing as he didn't like humans much. He also didn't like being human but there wasn't much he could do to change that. He then wondered why he was still standing there when what he wanted was so close to him. At this he ran through the door checking for radiation levels as he ran and soon ran face first into a wooden door. The door was almost as unstable as he was and emidietley smashed from the force of his face sending him sprawling out into the world he very excited about meeting. And he met it face first and painfuly. He then looked up at the sky for the first time sence he was four. And as soon as he did he saw twelve and a half men standing around him pointing assult rifels in his general direction.

As you can see it's easier to read than it was before. It took me about three minutes to put those spaces there, it's a habit you need to get use to.



As that may be, the only time I would do that is in those little journal entries before the chapter. Don't try to show us his confusion by the format, but by what he does. Furthermore your writing is full of grammatical mistakes, I underlined the spelling errors in the fifth and fourth paragraph and as you can see their is a lot. And in fact there's many more in the other paragraphs. I would recommend downloading Open Office(which is free) it's like Microsoft Word and will help with those errors, or carry a dictionary by your side. Spelling errors aside you also have other grammar problems, mostly fragmented sentences. In order to fix these I would just write slower or use Open Office.

Once all of that is done and it becomes readable, the story itself begins to emerge with it's own problems. Strangeglove has already said this, but in case you didn't get it, you lack description. You need to add a lot more description, take this for example:

Regahn sat there in the dark.

Instead it could read:

Regahn sat there in a pit of blackness, darker than the bowels of Hell.

That may be a little over the top, but you get my point. Also in doing this it will increase the length of your story greatly, so work on it.

If I come off rude it's only because I'm sincerely trying to help, I would not spend this much time on this if I didn't think you could do it.

Note: Most of the story revolves around Regahn but isn't told from just his point of view.

Regahn's ripper quickly tore through the base of the lightning rod sending shrapnel away from himself in the direction he calculated. The lightning rod fell on the Behemoth, pinning it's neck to the ground.
Milo looked back in amazment. He didn't know what Regahn had been doing after he managed to shake Milo off in disgust.

"If I don't kill the Behemoth now it will just starve or eventualy get the lightning rod off some how. Then it could kill something else, maybe even a......"

"MAMOTH!" Regahn screamed out loud and cut the Behemoth's head open from the top down to the jaw.

"What the hell-" Milo started to say but Regahn was then apon him again.

Regahn knew what alot about the waste land and prewar history from the many books kept by the people he assassinated in the vaults, yet some how he never found out that Mamoths were exstinct and waas very excited about meeting one.

"Yes, we're past the intial suprise affection."

"What?" Regahn then noticed from his home made watch that it was one in the morning. Regahn was one of the few waste landers to which time was important due to the fact that after midnight his memory from the past day was wiped.

"What did I do before now?"

"Well you ran literaly through the door leading to the vault that has been closed forever-"

"Its statisticly unlikley its been closed forever, how could they have put me in if it weren't?"

"Well theres several ways but he probably gets it"

"I mean figurativley."

"Oh I never understand those- oh I should be writing this down."

"Then I saved you from mercinaries and you hugged me into a Behemoth lair."

"No I mean everything."

"Thats all that happened."

"Thats also unlikley, you don't go into detail enough."

"What? Anyway what happend to you? I havent seen you scence I was five. Its amazing I recognised you." Milo said while Regahn ignored him and finish writing in a book he had been keeping in the backpack he made in the vault and brought with him. Other than the book and a pencil, however, the backpack was empty.

"Anyway, I have a hole under a rock near here. Its temporary like all of my homes are-"

"You let alot of things slip for someone obviously on the run." Reghan said.

"What?" Milo asked not sure if he heard him right.

"Anyway I need a sergion that most likey won't kill me. Do you know any?"

"Yes actualy, but she moved to Rivet city."

"Who named a city after an ilongated metal rod? And where is it?" Regahn said looking with an odd expresion at the swastika tattooed on the Behemoth's shoulder.

"Its in DC. Thats a long way from Vegas."

"Whats DC?" Regahn asked. He never seemed to know about the big things.

CHAPTER 3:Memory

"So how do we get there?" Regahn asked amazed. It was hard for him to contemplate this distance.
They were under Milo's rock which was as pathetic as it sounds. It was a dank cave about the size of two rooms in the vault. Milo had to light it with a lantern because anything else wouldn't work in the thickly moist air and the constant water dripping from the ceiling (Milo chose the cave because it was concieled by a waterfall).

"We find or build a plane." Milo said smiling, waiting for the chorus of insults he was used to geting for one of his insane plans.

"Awsome, where do we find one?"

"Oh, well it seems a bit far fetched I know-"

"Nothings far fetched." Regahn said normaly.

"Oh, okay. Um, well they arent exactly what used to be called planes. They stoped making those when they began making these. I just call them planes because I don't know what the names of these things where. But an actual plane would also be to hard to pilot."

"You don't know do you?"

"...... no. But! I've heard of people making entire cities out of scraps from these. And I know some one who lives in a place like that."

"Why do we have to go this far just for a sergion?" Regahn asked.

"Shes worth it, and both of us need some where to go far away from here."

"And I wonder why that is."

Regahn put his head down on the rock that served as a table which they were standing at just as a harpoon shot through the place where his head used to be.

"Ah, thats why."

Milo jumped over the rock and grabed the harpoon and in one fluient motion cut through the wire attached to it before it could retract. He then stuck several parts of C4 to it. Regahn grabed it from him and pulled the C4 off and tossed it onto the ceiling.

"C4 svcks." He said. "Its not even an explosive, it just pushes things away from it." He told him and moved a foot over and picked up some unstable dinomight he noticed Milo was keeping wraqed in tin foil just as another harpoon hit the spot where he was.

Regahn without really reacting said "Do you think they can see me?" While attaching the dinomight to the harpoon.

"Most likley!" Yelled Milo who had by then jumped under the driftwood shelves he had made and was keeping in the cave.
Regahn then carefully stuck the harpoon with the explosives attached to the harpoon being retrackted. He then grabed the backpack, pulled Milo up, waited until he heard the comforting explosion, and pulled Milo through the cave mouth. They then ducked under the waterfall with Regahn brushing the moisture off in disgust.
They looked up and saw the two humans and one ghoul scrambling for cover in disarray. Regahn's rigged harpoon took out what looked like six of them (there was no way to tell for sure). They then ran up the 1/3 of the hill that wasn't covered in the people trying to kill them.

The ghoul looked up and shouted "He who would murder the faith of the butterfly! You will never escape her divine rath!"

Milo, of corse, had to turn around and yell "Kneel svckers! Thats what you where bred to do!" And detonated the C4 that Regahn through on the roof of the cave.
He was right about the C4, it pushes things away. And this time what it was pushing was a layer of a mountain side onto the cultist assassins.

Oh my god, that is so much clearer now. Anyway with that out of the way, you need to work on your grammar, big time. I recommend downloading open office, because those last chapters were filled with spelling errors. Dynamite, not Dinomight, though if you sound it out I can see the confusion.

Also, your story is quite confusing. Sometimes I don't know which person is talking, this could be helped by adding said Milo or Reghan in the middle of a lengthy dialogue to reduce confusion. Once you do that and correct the spelling mistakes, it should be easier to read.

I tried to download open office but all it did was download advertisments. Also, how do I add pages to topics?

A page will be added to this topic once the post count reaches 21, another page will be added when it reaches 41, and so on and so forth, until it reaches 200, where it will be locked.

http://www.openoffice.org/

Click Download, then click download now.

Sorry this week has been so slow but I have chapter three writen and everything. So hopefully it will be up on monday.

Note: Regahn is allergic to Mutfruit.
Regahn's Journal 4/6/78
Its snowing! And I'm held captive inside being treated for "Critical" radiation poisoning because Milo didn't tell me the snow was heavily radiated before I dived in face first.
Speaking of which, today I decided to never walk into another post-appocolyptia bathroom or gas station ever again.
CHAPTER 4:Clear
Milo jumped onto the deformed metalic mass that served as a way of escape from the cultists now converging on their temporary tent. He attempted to push off with the 50 cal. sniper rifel but only succeeded in pushing himself over, rolling down the hill they where sloped on, and gathering snow.
Regahn was captivated by the way the snow would attach it's self and flew off shattering into billions of ice mollecules. The camp exploding behind him finaly snatched him back into reality when he hit the bottom of the hill. He looked around, dazed, and didn't see Milo.
It was then that the hand came up from under him. Normaly Regahn would have emidietley seperated the hand from it's wrist but this hand was wearing one of the radiation suits he and Milo had been wearing because of the snow. Regahn's mind recieved this as the hand stealing the suit from Milo in which case it must know where Milo was. While thinking about this the hand pushed him off revealing the grave figure beneath.

"Oh there you are." Regahn said suprised.

"That was sad. Do you think they saw us?" Milo asked and heard a scilenced bang next to him. He looked over and saw Regahn had already dug the 50 cal. out of the snow, attached a scilencer, and shot through the knee cap of the first cultist and into the chest of the second standing behind him.

"He looks better in red." Regahn said with a demented look, staring at the cultist that had slid down the hill and was now bleeding to death in front of him.

"What?" Milo said, looking bewildered at the chared remains of the camp he had strategicly set on a hill.

They walked a mile from there in search of some form of escape from the snow. Enevitably Milo steped into a trap that consisted of a hole in the ground covered by a net that was concieled by snow.

"Why is the sun always in that same position whenever I look up?"

"Regahn! What the hell are you doing? Help me!"

"Myabe I just look up at the same time every day and never another time because I forget....."

*************
Blair lifted the net protecting her from snow and making her look to any passer by like a covered rock. She pulled it just above her eyes as to not be seen and saw what she strangley expected.
The trap was sprung yet one of the travelers was sitting next to the hole drawing in a book and seemingly not noticing the screams coming from the pitt. She quickly made a spear out of a stick and a moderatley sharp rock lying on the ground.

Milo's eyes emidietly darted up and saw the human dressed in rags advancing on him.
He looked at Blair for a second and stood up. Blair steped back slightly and began to take off her hood.
Rgahn almost on implus emidietley threw a rock near her.
As he expected she dropped the spear and pulled out a scoped magnum.
He quickly threw a rock at her that hit her in the jaw. This nocked her over in a dazed confusion.
He lept on her and nocked her out with the first rock he had thrown to scare her and land next to where he calculated her head would land.

"At least they tried something slightly new this time."

He then pulled Milo to the surface.

"What the-" Milo looked down at the woman that Milo had pulverised.

"Oh my god...... thats Blair."

"I guessed that." Milo said, holding up the badge he had taken from her pocket.

Note: Riley is addicted to radiation.
A docile wasteland firefly whizzed confused and blindly around Riley's face. Unknown to Riley, this firefly was his father who had a massive breakthrough in artificial cell research years ago which is why he was forced to abandon Riley.
When he was conducted into a science team in Rivet city he was finaly able to test his findings. No one, however, was willing to be lab rat for such a neurotic impossibility.
Riley's father had no idea which praportions to use in creating the artificial cells and perfered self expiremintation to set backs.
The results where explosive. He never knew that playing god would be such a fragile thing and when he attempted to grow himself wings he was slowly and painfully mutated into a creature resembling a firefly.
Riley, who was oblivious to all of this, vowed to find his father.
He happily looked out over the wastes of Vegas marveling at how even after total nuclear anialation, life still went on unhindered.
He quickly killed the firefly that had landed on his arm and returned to reading through his father's journals.

"I promise I'll find you." He said for the thirteenth time that day.

CHAPTER 5:Post Betrayal

"I don't like her...." Regahn said looking at the human tied to a stagmite in the cave they found.

"And I don't trust her. And I actualy have reasons, but what other option do we have?"

"We can continue to search blindly....."

"Regahn you know that won't work. We haven't exactly had good luck."

"So are you going to unstrap me?"

"How do we even know Riley exists?" Milo asked, "You've lied before to the point of nearley killing me."

"He most likley does." Regahn said.

"What?"

"Theres most likley some one named Riley who knows how to fly on of the plain things but-"

"Don't say things Regahn." Milo said and continued interogating.

Just as Milo happily covered her nose with a crushed altoid she fainted

"Damn it! I was waiting for this part!" Milo said, "Put the forks back Regahn we eat with those."

"You eat with them, and haven't you heard how annoying the sound of them scraping together is?"

"Shes probably just faking."

"No She was stung by a scorpion. I noticed when I was looking for her wallet." Regahn said while staring at a crack in the cave they found.

"What? Why didn't you mention that before?" Milo asked without Reghan noticing.

Regahn's Journal 4/7/78
Luckly for her, the Blair wench was carrying a microwave emiter. It takes a while to melt the snow but if she hadn't she would most likley suffer sevier brain damage from prolonged scorpion venom. I say most likley because nothing is certain. Especialy scence the scorpion sting was a cut she made to look like a scorpion sting. If it was a scorpion sting it wouldn't have been illongated. But she was most likley stung by something. I can tell when humans fake fainting.

Blair drowsily looked up.

"Huh the capsel wore off quickly." She thought looking around.

Thats when she noticed Milo was sitting in the corner of the room staring at her with an intresting expresion. This was strange to her because they left Milo behind to watch her even though they didn't think she was going anywhere because her hands and feet where untied.

Milo stood up and walked over to her.

"Oh no, hes going to snuff me. I guess he does deserve revenge, but I can't die yet." She thought staring at him with her eyes closed enough so he couldn't see she was awake. Her hand tightened around the tazer she was keeping under the sheets.

But he just stood there looking down at her.

At this point they where both confused. The crystal blue colour of his eyes literaly darkened to almost purple.

He then reached down and pulled off the dragonfly necklace he had given her two years before.

"What the HELL!?" Blaire thought and pulled the tazer out. The tazer was the knid with a long handel so she was able to shock him in the back of the neck without having to move her arm.
Milo emidietly fell unconcious on over her stomach. She pushed him off with ease and ran to the cave exit.

She looked around for Regahn's radiation suit (Regahn stole Milo's because he said it smelled like Mirelurks) but only saw the random things Regahn picked up around the wasteland.
Instead she found the one she was wearing before. Even though it now had a gigantic hole in the side of it, she ran out of the cave and was emidetly knocked out by Regahn with another random rock.

"Intresting!"

He then emidietly began writing down more tacktics in his notebook.

Why have you returned to walls of text?

Oops sorry, that happens when I save the drafts of it and this time I forgot to fix it. Also I didn't really think anyone was reading it.

Well, I I'm, so no more giant walls of text, alright?

Fixed it

Once again, you really need to work on those spelling errors. Spell check helps. Also I found the dialogue quite confusing, sometimes I got lost and couldn't figure out who was saying what. So work on your spelling errors and confusing dialogue. Also to help you should put thoughts in italics instead of "quotes". I've said a lot before and if you look back and work on what I've said, it should be a much easier read.