The Prologue

I stared at Eno Hlaalu, my mentor, my master, my friend. I said to him hastily, "Milord, I would like to request a writ, if that would not be too much trouble."

"I have a special writ for Raven Spellblood, she is a dunmer who lives in the imperial city, the payment is 10,000 drakes for the travel associated with the kill, and she is a high-ranking mages' guild member," Hlaalu said as he sat down.

"Sir, are you sure I deserve that much?"

"A payment is a payment..."

Eno was growing old, ever since he faked his death with the Nerevarine twenty years ago, he began to look much older. His black robe was fraying, as were his gloves and hood. We still remained in the same spot we were all those years ago, and he sleeps in the same spot as well. The walls are growing cracked and old, the room smells of blood, as if some had been spilt here not long ago. I said to him, "Sir, I would like the writ."

He nodded and grabbed a scroll out of a chest behind him, he then handed it to me and looked me in the eye as he dead seriously said, "This is a gray writ, if you are caught, you must accept trial as a dark brotherhood assassin."

"Bu--"

"No butts..."

I nodded as I accepted the truth, the wealth wasn't for travel it was for risk. I had to get moving if I planned on ever getting there, however, there was going to be a long journey. I walked to my quarters and pulled out a bag of miscellaneus items, preparing for a long journey, I got my leather knapsack and filled it with bread, waterskins, and vials of scrib jelly. I walked out the door, preparing for a long journey...

This is a slightly revised version of your story with a couple comments.


In general I would say watch out for when you should be using a semi-colon, and work on separating sentences when you have a ton of commas. For the story I'm wondering if you have the structure set up for this to be the prologue. It seems like the prologue should inform the viewers about a part of the story unconnected to the main character or something in the character's past. If that's what you're going for, then ok.

Man, when I saw the title I thought Remko had started a new thread (There is already a story with that name)

But aside from that, I have a few constructive things to say:

First off, the introduction is a very specialized part of the story. Unlike the rest of a story, these have a very specific and proven formula. There are a few things for you to remember when making the introduction: introduce your character in a subtle way, give the scene in a similarly subtle or poetic way, and do not under any circumstances give us any plot information. You can't simply tell us who the protagonist is-

"I stared at Eno Hlaalu, my mentor, my master, my friend."

You give away in the first sentence that your character is an assassin under the Morag Tong. You don't tell us his name, which is good, but try going with even less information. We absolutely do not need to, or want to, know who your character is and what he is doing in the beginning.

The opening setting has the exact opposite problem- aside from cracked walls and a bloody smell, you tell us nothing of where he is. We know he is in Morrowind, but what you need to do is give us a snapshot of him in the start. There are different ways to do this (my favorite is a very poetic opening scene that sets the tone), and my advice is to look at some other intros to see which you like best. We can't see the protagonist and Eno in a black space, we need an idea of location.

Your story starts right off by telling us your assassin has recieved a contract. This might not be exactly what the main conflict is about, but it is still too much. Start off by giving us a view of your character in his daily routine. Nothing new, nothing exciting, just everyday stuff for him. In this case, I would say either have him be waking up or heading down towards his master's room, reflecting on things to give us a setting and descriptions. Just some examples, make up something unique if you'd like. All you need to know is that we can't know anything about the plot until at least the very end. Just enough to catch our interest.

Not a bad idea, and I'm sure you have some good stuff planned, just be sure to get the introduction down. It is arguably the most important thing in writing (especially fan fictions). Other than that, good job :goodjob: Thanks for writing, and keep it up!

Alright, noted...

Nice detail! Glad you're back!

Thanks mALX

Darkom took the words from my mouth. Take heed of what he said. But on a more positive note, I feel your descriptions (although vague) have improved and so has your dialogue.

Oh, and I don't think you're allowed two fan fics.

I asked for the other to be closed.

Good read. You have improved some Zalphon. I noticed you seem to be in quite a few rp's. Don't overwhelm yourself to the point where you're out of imagination. Haha. Stay motivated.

-Dren

I can be in 10 RPs, or 1 RP, the only thing limiting me here is TES Lore, and thats to be expected on a TES forum. I have an entire world designed for my novel in progress (currently paused until further notice).

Wow! Bloody briliant I love it !

I crept into my quarters and slipped off my black garments, and put on tan pants, and a light blue shirt, then I put on some leather work boots. I heard the door open oncemore, and it was him, the black arrow as we called him, he hissed, "Oh, you off to a kill, why not just hand me the writ now."

"Get away from me, Bosmer, your kind are little more than uncivillized savages trapped in the body of elves," I barked back.

"We'll see about that, we will see about that."

"Be gone, N'wah."

The bosmer ran off, in his blackened glass armor, it had little if any shine, making it an excellent tool for assassins, the bosmer beat me to a mark and killed him and took the armor for his own. I walked out the door of my quarters and seen Hlaalu fall to the ground, dead, an ebony arrow sticking out of his back. I stared at his lifeless body for what felt like several minutes, I walked over and said to him, "I will avenge you, Master, you took me in from the streets, from the bitter, cold, air of Balmora, where I was just a beggar, and taught me everything. I swear to you in the name of Mephala, you shall be avenged."

I shouted, "Morag Tong brothers, Hlaalu has been killed."

The brothers of shadows filled the room, staring at him, as he lie dead in the middle of the common room. One said, "One of us must lead."

I yelled, "Decide that amongst yourselves, I must leave while I hunt his killer."

Another shouted, "Farewell, Son of Mephala."

I said calmly, "Farewell, may the shadows be with me."

I ran out the door and felt the cold of the Vivec Frostfell's day, and knew it was going to be hard, difficult, and long, but after all Master Hlaalu did for me, it would only be returning the favor.

As we can see, if I read one of the critics right, the title isn't about the protagonist, but more about the antagonist

Very good so far. I will keep up with this one!

I have an idea for a cameo character, I know most of you have no clue who this character is, but...

Innoruuk, a dark elven deity from the world of Norrath (God of Hate), I just thought about having him build a little more fire in our protagonist.

Just a quick conversation between the two, then poof gone from the story, any thoughts?

My opinion? I don't like the idea. It goes against TES lore (in a way) and doesn't fit.

I don't mean as a "god" per say, just a person trying to make him hate the antagonist more.

Well, it's your choice. If you make it seem realistic then it doesn't bother me.

I will, he will just be a person with the same name who is also in the MT who is trying to inspire more hate, not some all-powerful deity of ultimate evil

Its just a cameo for my fellow Everquesters

I traveled up the latter to the Arena Canton, and seen a rather odd dunmer. I walked over to him and asked, "Who are you?"

He hissed, "Just a tier'dal who goes by the name of Innoruuk."

I asked, "Whats a tier'dal?"

"Nothing, that is what we dark elves are called back home," Innoruuk told me.

His eyes were almost all black, and he had long, flowing, white hair that sat on his black robe, he had a frown on his face as he said, "Well, I have some bad news about that friend of yours, Hlaalu..."

"He's dead, I know."

"You could find his killer, or is he just playing games with you, testing you, trying to drive you mad..."

"I will find him, and kill him, I swear it."

"Sure you will, and I will kill the daedric lords."

"Fool..."

"Perhaps, but much lies beneath the surface of me, and your friend, Hlaalu, was a true fool

I stared at him, I was filled with rage, wanting to kill him, wanting to destroy him, I took out my blade and swung at him. However, all that remained when I swung was just a cloud of black smoke. I sighed, but now I had an inner flame wanting to butcher the Black Arrow for his crimes, and I would succeed. I walked down the canton, and told the gondolier, "Take me to the foreign quarter."

He put his open palm out, "three drakes."

I handed him three of my golden drakes and got into the boat, and watched the water, the people, heard the sounds, smelled the scents, felt the hatred, the lust, the greed, perhaps that Innoruuk fellow was more than he told me, after all that is what he said...

Your story is getting riveting, and your writing has improved tremendously since your early stories! Awesome Zalphon!

Thanks, I remember when I wrote in block text .

With all due respect, Zalphon, you're releasing new chapters way too often. I don't want to come across as harsh, but you'll never be able to reach your full potential that way because it's rushed and not very well thought out.

Some of the best fan fics around (King and I, Neveragaine and I would count Darkom's once it has a few more chapters) don't often have updates, but when they do they're truly something special. Careful planning will make your story much better.

How often should I release them, once a week? Once a month?

It's not completely about scheduling exactly when to release them; it's about working on them really, really hard. It may take a month or more to plan a chapter, but the result will be better. Bringing out a chapter everyday won't do much, in my opinion.