Prolouge:
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Fortification Hill-Morning-July 7, 2282:

I sat in the tent, cleaning my sword. My shield laid next to my bedroll. I got up, with my sword in my hand. I saw a slave girl.

She can't be older than 18. I thought to myself. She was young, beautiful, and a target for the Legionaries. She tripped on a legionaries foot. The Legionary hollered curses

"Dirty Slave! Learn to walk or ill [censored] slit your [censored] throat [censored]." I felt sorry for the slave, but there was nothing I could do, but yet, I still stepped it

"Lay off Julius." I said, I was taller than him, and far more stronger.

"O...O....Okayy!" He cowered, he was clearly afraid of me. The girl scampered away, back to the slave pens. I heard a familiar call, one I had heard many times before, back in Two-Sun when my Legion army was to attack. We were attacking. I grabbed my equipment, put on my armor, and lined up with the other Legionaries. I heard a shell go off behind us, artillery batteries opened fire onto the NCR's position. The Boomers flew overhead with their B-29, bombing the NCR's bases at McCarran, Mojave Outpost, Forlorn Hope, and Golf. The NCR was left in the dark. The Fortification Hill gate slowly turned open.

"DEATH TO THE PROFLIGATES!" screamed the Legate of the Second Legion.

Looks good, I just want to say, you're doing it again.

"you're doing it again."

Huh?

Are you committing to this one?

If you are, its looks interesting.

Yea, I am. Also, thanks to Josh for giving me this idea.

I was going to ask this exact question. That's what I meant by "you're doing it again." You said you would commit to things before yet you've dropped those, too. Make up your mind, please.

Hmm, Intriguing. You've seem to be going through fan fics pretty fast, my suggestion is that you should write a couple chapters first. Four-five for you and if you still like the idea, then you should go through with it. I'm just saying this because it seems like you stop at the beginning for most of these. Anyway, on towards the story.

I think I've said this before, and maybe it's becoming trite, but you need more detail. It doesn't have to be a lot, you definitely don't want so much that it bores the reader, but you don't want so little that it, once again, bores the reader. Take for instance, this sentence.



This about what you see in third grade. The cat jumped over the fence. The cat saw a dog. The cat ran. No real description, we don't know what the cat looks like from the sentence. We don't what the dog looks like, or the surrounding area, the time of day, etc. But in a book like that, no of it really matters, and most of the time their picture books.

But this isn't a picture book. I can't form an image in my head with so little words. The slave girl is young and pretty, but that's all I know. Prettiness is subjective to the person, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? So what I may consider beautiful and what you consider beautiful may be two entirely different images.

That is way it's important to have description.

But don't get me wrong, some stories can benefit from having little description, usually one told in epistolary form. Take for example Candy's, now finished fanfic, The Audio Tapes. If had a lot of detail/descriptors, it would be weird, and ruin the story. Instead we get an image in our head from the scripts of each chapter, and it works well for that story.

But you have a liner, first person, conciseness stream, type story and thus benefit from description. Near the end it was getting better, but still...Just saying. Others may disagree.

Shall I even bother with Grammar? I don't think most people care how many dots are in a ellipses, so I won't bother.

Well I expressed my opinion, sorry if I offended, I didn't mean to be rude. At any rate, keep it up. It's the only way to improve.

Good Luck.

Well, the slave girl will be one of the main focus's of the Fan Fiction. I'll really start writing some more for this. Thanks.

Chapter One:
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Hoover Dam-Morning:

We charged through the NCR lines, they cut many of our legionaries down with their Service Rifles. But we prevailed. A NCR trooper dared oppose me. I grabbed her by the arm, cut off her other arm, and threw her off the dam. I felt no remorse. Blood splattered all over my armor. My Cohort soon breached the line on the NCR, killing most, if not all of them quickly. But then, we realized something. But by the time we did, it was far too late. The NCR wired the dam with explosives. They launched artillery from Forlorn Hope and started to destroy the fort. I saw a gush of water pop up from cracks that were showing. NCR men who were once there were now running far away. I saw the Dam explode in fire, water, and concrete. The Legion had lost, but that was the least of my worries. I was trying to keep alive. As the dam started to tip into the Colorado, I saw the amphibious attack force, which was Legionaries sent to attack NCR defenses at the recently taken Cottonwood Cove. The Dam smacked into the water, the last thing I saw was that Slave, she was one of the supply Slaves, who carried swords, food, and water. Her thin body scampering to get to high ground.

"GET DOWWWNNNN!" I screamed as the dam smacked into the water.
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Two Hours Later:

I woke up, in a small cave. I saw bobbing bodies of dead, wounded, and alive Legionaries, NCR, and Great Khan men. I saw the slave girl, she was lying up against a rock on the opposite side of the Colorado. She was Caucasian, but her skin was tan, so to most of us, it was hard to tell. Her black hair was littered with mud. I didn't have the energy in me to swim the distance. I looked around, I saw my sword next to me, my shield lying on its back, floating in the watery cave. I saw my armor, the blood was long gone, replaced by the muck and scratches of my decent. The Dam, it was no more. I could see a tower sticking out above the water, but it was too much. The Colorado had risen feet. I suddenly remembered this cavern. It was 50 feet above the natural level. I was almost startled, but the Mojave works in mysterious ways. It was miles from any town. Fortification Hill was most likely shelled to high hell. Goodsprings was atleast 60 miles away. Las Vegas, was probably 30 miles. But in any case. It was miles from any city. But then, I remembered Boulder City. But even that was a long way. It was 10 Miles away. I knew it was, because I once went there. I could see the lights of New Vegas. It was miles upon miles in length, it was the largest city left in the US, maybe the world. I got up on my feet, I stumbled around, trying to gain balance.

"ANYONE THERE!!!" I called out, I repeated the call many times. Only to be replied with deathly silence. I saw the Slave girl try to get up, that was just as good as a response for me. It was taught for us that Slaves were degenerates like the NCR, I didn't care for it, Slaves were innocent people. I dove into the water, dragging all of the strength and energy in me, I saw to the other side. I had one pouch of Healing Powder, but I also had some other medical supplies. The Slave girl shrieked as I gave her the powder, I saw a deep shadow behind me

"YOU!" Hissed the mass of body

"Who the hell..." I turned around, and saw him in front of me. It was Vulpes Inculta. The monster of the Legion.

"You sick bastard." I said to him, I pulled out a Combat Knife I coined 'Lucky', I could only hope it was Lucky. I jabbed it into Inculta's armor. He only grinned a devilish grin, his wolf cap stained with mud.

"DEATH TO YOU PROFLIGATE!" He hollered. He ran at me with a Machete, I quickly dived away, he jabbed the Machete into the cliff side. I smiled.

"DEATH TO YOU!" I screamed, I drove a knife into his neck.

"Death...will...come...to...you...." He said under his breath, his final words.

I grabbed his lifeless body, and threw it into the river.
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To all Legion Lovers, you WILL not like this Fan Fiction.
I also will include real distances in between cities/villages/towns in this Fan Fiction.

Chapter Two-True to No one.
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Cottonwood Cove-Late Afternoon-July 7,2282
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I swam to the shoreline of Cottonwood Cove, I saw dead bodies of NCR soldiers and civilians alike. The plan Octavian had told us about had worked, the snipers we placed on the other side worked, they were gone now, probably washed away by the flood water. I pulled the girl by her clothes, which could barely be called clothes, to the shoreline. Blood ran down my head, my brown hair ragged from the crash, my tan white skin filled with cuts, bruises, and scraqes. I could see a tattered NCR flag flying in the distance, the old administration building still standing. I saw the old slave pens, now holding supply crates. The rest of the area was filled with NCR barracks, tents, and other things I could have cared less about. I saw bloody holes in the heads of the men in the camp.

"This is war...." I said in a hushed tone, the girl, could only stare.

I found a ACR assault rifle, which was the NCR's main rifle. Service Rifles were given to men with the rank of Private and PFC. I found clips of it on the NCR man's dead body. I found a knife, and gave it to the girl.

"Take this." I said, she looked at me in confusion "I said, take this."

She started to open her mouth, she said finally "But...but what if I'm caught with it?". I could only laugh

"Look, no ones gonna come hunting for you. The Legion is gone, for all I know, we are the sole survivors." I said to her, she nodded and followed closely behind. I walked my way to the old Admin Building. I told her to wait next to the door. I kicked the door open, to be met with NCR soldiers grabbing their guns, finding them out of ammo, they attached bayonets.

"Dirty hound!" yelled a NCR solider

"Kill him!" screamed another

"Crucifix him!" said another

They ran at me, I fired hot lead into them. The first one was killed with a single shot to the head. The second got a hitter by the butt of my gun as he rushed me, I shot him a second time in the heart. The third and last, I grabbed him by his throat, and shot him in the stomach, threw him on the ground, and shot him in the head. I walked out of the building. The girl shook with anxiety.

"Its fine, they are dead." she peered in the door, and shrieked at the dead bodies of the NCR.

I motioned for her, and she came to me. I walked up the steel steps and up to the old Centurion's room. He was killed in the onslaught by the NCR on the position, their artillery blasted in the building he was in. I kicked the door in, the girl waiting behind me. The room was dead, no one was in it, but there, I saw a NCR solider creeping behind a overturned bed. I shot the rest of the ACR clip at the bed. I heard cries of agony. The solider was dead. I walked out of the building, and craned around the camp. I knew the camp was empty, besides the rats, me, and the slave girl. I looked up at the sky, the night of the Mojave was setting in. The slave girl and I exchanged looks, we both knew that walking out in the Mojave at night was a deathwish. So, we set up camp at Cottonwood Cove. I gathered firewood from the last of the supplies in the Quatermaster's room, and lit a fire. The girl started making some sort of meal out of the food the NCR left, which wasn't much. The deathly silence ate away at me until I could bear it no longer

"So...whats your name?" I said as some sort of a 'Ice Breaker'.

"Megan." She replied with a sort of smile.

I extended my hand "Jacques Marchal."

She shook my hand and took a small giggle at my name

"It's okay, laugh. It's a weird name, its 'French'." I replied. She poked at the fire idly, listening to what I had said.

Sorry guys, this is the last chapter, I never meant for this to be a real long Fan Fiction.
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Chapter Three-We will all go together:
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I was awoken by the sound of footsteps, orders being barked, and gunshots. The NCR had found us.

"Shhhh." I hushed the Slave girl as she curled up. The NCR soon found us, they charged us, sending men shooting Service Rifle bullets at us. I shielded the girl.

"RUN!" I hollered, I ran to the dock, dragging her to the raft. I pushed her on it, and untied it. I told her to row it down stream, to get away from the Mojave, to leave. I held the NCR off for as long as possible.

"DIEEE!!!!" Screamed NCR troops as I cut them down. Soon, my ammo ran dry. I shot a few trigger pulls. Nothing. I pulled out my knife, and cut my way at the NCR troops. Soon, I was pushed against the wall. They sent five Bayonets into my stomach. Their commander walked over

"Now how does it feel? Take him away!" he shouted. The NCR tied me up, and took me to a POW camp. Soon, nothing was left, I was a NCR POW, the Legion was gone, I would be forever a Prisoner. Forever entombed in the NCR correctional facility.
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