Hi guys!
So i work in a call center (DULL) so inbetween calls i started making my own fan fic hope you guys like it constructive criticism welcome and praise Also honest opinions!
I get bored at work But this will only be updated 5 days a week usually as thats when i work, so dont expect an update untill tuesday thats when im next working! Im busy on my days off exploring new vegas!


As he wiped the dust from his eyes he gazed across the once blossoming barronland. past the dust tracks and dirt hills where even the dying plates of grass struggled to survive in this desolate and life consuming land. Despair soared in the breeze, signs of life were miniscule, and though he knew somewhere out there was a haven of safety and life. He dragged his heavy legs carrying him across dusted deserts and abandoned cities being consumed by undergrowth, it had been nearly 300 years since the harrowing explosion of the great war. His eyes had seen indescribable horrors, his body had endured incredible feats of physical prowess and his mind was tuned into an unbreakable mentality of stubborn will power.
He was dressed in a torn ragged white t-shirt covered with a battle torn flak vest weathered by the attempts of brutal hostility which was worn over by a tattered long cloak. The cloak itself had seen many miles of journey torn and ripped at the bottom by the harsh scape of the barronland, pockets of dark black colour at the top were fading to a brushed grey at the bottom of the journey bound cloak. The sun scorched down relentless sweltering heats across the landscape as he wiped the sweat from his sun baked face, water was scarce and of short supply. His cracked dry lips begged for hydration as he ran his tongue across his scaled lips relieving it from the harsh weather for a few more minuets.
His irritated eyes gazed across the abandoned bombed out town he found himself confronted with. He anolyzed the exterior of the ruins staring deeply into the depths of the horrific scene. The town seemed dark the ruins were endless and his mind encouraged him to venture into there to bypass alternate longer routes. He pondered his imagination of outcomes for a while before summoning his decision to travel into the unknown. He clambered callously down the steeping hill towards his indefinite detour through the town, the dirt and dust filled wind filtered through his hair removing the grime from the air. His boots shuddered in the dust creating a riveting outburst of the sand like substance with each step he took. As he closed the distance between himself and the desolate town he felt a shiver of sudden loneliness quiver up his spine, the sight of a town once sprawling with life was now weak and engulfed in moss, vines and trees beginning to arch out from 4 story building windows and the vines twisted and spiralled their way from the bottom up to the top floor. However it was no hidden metropolis.
The scent of fear and destruction polluted the air and vibes of an eerie sinister atmosphere were emitted from within. The town was deathly silent only the breeze whispered though the air which created a hidden, isolated atmosphere. His heart throbbed at an increasing rate as he approached the perimeter, he anticipated danger but felt no fear. His mind was honed in these situations and events, trained through self dedication. Dedication to survival.
The first building he approached was brittle, weak and unstable to the eye. What secrets its held and dangers that lurked within were unavoidable, pre war buildings had crumbled and blocked the once busy paths and roads around. There was no choice, he had to cross the gateway to what seemed like hell, but he knew this was no mere scratch on the surface of hell, he knew he had to venture on to seek his desired equilibrium.

Huh, not bad, though you're kind of dragging on, it got real boring towards the end. And...well, I hope to see more from you. And if I miss anything, someone else will point it out to you. All in all, that was great for passing the time.

Spacing, you need to use it.

It got really hard to read after a while.

If by spacing you mean paragraphs i write it in microsoft word and C&P it here and it removed it all, and i got lozy and couldnt be bothered to do it again

Pretty good mate. Though I'd agree that the spacing needs changing a little (just to make it easier on the reader's eyes)

Also I'd suggest that you write out your numbers, three hundred instead of 300. It just looks a bit better like that.

Keep at it though mate & I'll read the next installment :thumbsup:

WELCOME TO THE FORUMS CASDIN!

Or rather, fanfic writing.

AS said by Boradam, spacing. It makes it so much easier to read and takes almost no time to do it, it's just a sign of laziness if you don't.

As said by Kettle, write out numbers, though technically the rule only extends to numbers one through ten, I think it looks better when large numbers are also written out(unless it's huge, like 25,000)

Make sure to capitalize words at beginning of sentences.

You probably could have done with a better hook, the first sentence/paragraph of your first chapter needs to draw the reader in. It needs to give the reader a reason to keep reading your story, when I go to choose a book I read the first paragraph, if I can't get into it, I put it down. And have to say, I would've put your book down. Describing the landscape as a hook is very tricky to do, not impossible, and when done right it makes an excellent hook. Like East of Eden by Jon Steinbeck, he describes the land for a couple pages, but it's brilliant stuff. You on the other hand, had a couple good word choices, but it was pretty dry. Not the worst I've seen, not the best, it was Okay.

Time to be put on my grammar Nazi hat.


Capitalize the beginning of sentences.


Improper use of though, it doesn't make sense with the sentence at the moment. Change the "and though" to but or put in a few more words like:





I think you meant to put scalded, which is burning something via hot liquid, opposed to just having scales. Unless radiation cause him to fuse with a gecko. Using lips two times in one sentence might work, but when you use two different adjectives, or even the same in such a short distance between them, it doesn't seem right. If anything you should have just left it as lips.


And that's it for the grammar.


Overall this was rather boring, describing the clothes of a stranger we don't even know in the second paragraph of your story is risky. You didn't manage to make it interesting and so right from the second paragraph it turned dull. Next chapter, read it yourself, have someone read it for you, are you intrigued by it? Anyway, I'm left wondering who this guy is, so Keep it Up

Good Luck.