The Burning Shadow

Author's Note:

This is my first fanfiction, involving my character "Jamaal" and his two companions "Renal" and "Rhano". I hope you guys enjoy this.

Chapter 1: Blurry

Light shuddered into the corners, streaks of faint light sliding their way across the floorboards, hiding into the desolate corners. The house looked like any other of the city, but it was more than just that. Everyone thought Claud was just a retired merchant, but what they did not know did not hurt them. The house lead into the usual den-room, turning left, leading to a so-called basemant; It wasn't really a basemant.

The top floor was filled with three rooms, the large space divided in half by a wall, and the left side (from the entrance) being cut in half the opposite way. The house did not show any unusual features, although, there was an escape route leading into the sewers from the bottom, which was always locked by key and barred, along with magical support. It would take something powerful to blow through it. After all, Shaleez stayed there, a former Mages Guild member, who had achieved a ranking of decent height, getting to study mystiscm at the Arcane University. He dropped out when things all went to hell, Mannimarco wreaking havoc. A training room also was branched from the basemant, where the five or more staying at a time would hack away at dummies and shoot at targets. Shaleez really did like the Mages Guild, at least before that Traven started calling the shots. He was dead now, who could care more? The Guild was a damn stall now, rotting like a rose in a thorn bush.

The house looked like a usual thing, cabinets and paintings on the walls, along with certain multi-cultural textures. A desk sat in the main room, to the far back. Where a black-haired Imperial sat, checking papers. He wore a green vest-jacket with ivory strings, which collared in the back. He looked as a merchant; he even sounded like one too, after all, he used to be one. Nowadays, he earned more money doing his new job...which often was recalled as a scholar those days. People respected him, never bothered the man, and that was just the way he wanted it...

A Redguard approached from the basemant, eying the "merchant" suspiciously. A noticeable bladed crossbow hung over his shoulder, its wicked sharp turns urging at any normal man near bye. Most people thought Jamaal was a mercenary. After all, assassins...well...they didn't try to make it obvious.

"Any word from Renal?"

Claud looked back at the assassin. It really hadn't occurred to him. Renal would always go on these little week streaks, where he would go off to do something, which was often to find Rhano. Rhano was Renal's little brother, and the two, along with Jamaal, had been best friends since their early days.

"No, he left last week. I'm sorry for not being here last night for your arrival. You just got in late, and I was already upstairs. This week has been quite a busy one, that new listener filling us with his usual complaining...'

Jamaal eased his brow back, and relaxed his facial muscles. He then responded the Claud, who now held his hand onto his forehead.

"It will be fine, he just has to learn the ropes. He was appointed quite quickly..."

Claud gazed back at Jamaal, now being alarmed with thought. He had been so hazy, now it was as if his energy was kicking in.

"It is good to stay out of Morrowind. You know how the Tong is. You want to stay out of their territory. Renal should be back in a week or two, no worries. You've been sleeping all day, and you traveled all of yesterday. Go to the tavern and relax. Tell Shaleez to go with you. He has been stressed out more than me lately, staying up the longer of the night reading his little books..."

Claud now looked a bit repressive, and Jamaal was relieved. He probably would have gotten a drink himself anyway.

"I'll be there in some time. Take these septims. For now, I have to finish some letters, and send them to Cheydinhall."

The basemant door creaked, and a small Argonian voice came with it. He was a mostly orange scaled figure, with a light green line down his face. His screeching lizard voice came out in a wild fashion. He had just gotten up as well.

"Why Jamaal, good to see you again!"

Then the lizard eyed Claud suspiciously, seeing the table cluttered in different things, the shiny septims atop it.

"Well then, let's go to the tavern. I believe Andrel is already there!"

Jamaal let out a breath of air, eying his old friend. Shaleez often showed urgency after staying up all night reading and sleeping late, but his studies payed off, even passing knowledge to the different members. Often, the members would discuss scholarly things, and would sound like scholars, rather than mercenaries or assassins. In a quick moment, Jamaal nodded his head at Claud, which was a silent "thank you", and the two were off.
As Shaleez and Jamaal made their way into the cold streets, a gathered crowd stood around the doors, which were guarded by legion soldiers. The crowd appeared to be afraid, as the legion men put on their mighty serious looks. Jamaal made his way through the crowd, the inn across the street. There was not usually this much commotion in the district square. Luckily, Claud lived on one of the pathways. Jamaal pushed his way along, and approached the legion soldier.

"What's going on here, sir?"

The legion soldier stood up tall, his face grasped in seriousness. He tightened his chin up, the words hitting into the air like artillery fire.

"An Altmer was murdered a few hours ago. No detail has been said. A few saw a blue robed man come in and hug him?after that, he just walked out the door. Seconds later, the Altmer coughed up blood, and fell to the floor. People ran outside, trying to catch the man, but the damn university is touring the districts, auctioning for artifacts. They all wore blue robes. We couldn't catch him."

The dead Altmer was their companion. Andrel had always been their friend, and he was very knowledgeable about situations. It just hadn't been that close had it? Was death really always around the corner? Jamaal should have known that something would happen, he just didn't know when. What was in the city with them? Why was Andrel targeted? Was it the Tong? If it was, then why were they in the Imperial City? Cyrodil was the Brotherhood's territory after all. Was Renal dead too?
Shaleez, now looking into the sky, shouted, shoving Jamaal into the crowd. An arrow ducked beneath his head.

"Shaleez, run!"

Your writing is perfect, your story so interesting I was rapt and hated to see it end! More More !!!!

Well, well - that was very good indeed, wooly.

Your descriptions are mostly good, setting a good scene. However, at times I think you were 'telling' a little more than 'showing', limiting my ability to paint my own picture in my head.

Obviously, we don't know much about the characters yet, but I like the idea of the assassins hiding together in a regular house - and believe the relationships could prove quite interesting. Though, as I explained to you over MSN, I didn't like how you bluntly told us what each character was like; instead I would have preferred it if you let us get to know the characters by reading more of the story. But then again, that is likely a personal thing.

There were a few spelling and punctuation errors that I spotted - but I'm not going to pick out every single one of them, because I feel it's a rather trivial matter. I've pointed some out over MSN, too.

In my opinion, I thought the ending was fantastic. The amount of people who could have murdered the Altmer could make for a fun story - trying to find out who did it sounds quite exciting, I think. Plus, you ended it with perfect timing, and I'm eager to read on and see what happens next - which shows you're an effective writer.

So yes, overall I definitely enjoyed it. I look forward to the next chapter - keep it up! :goodjob:

Well well, good of you to join us. I'll see if Malx's praise is appropriate then, eh? Please note that everything I say is in the best interests of helping you out, and I am not trying to insult you or put you down. All of this is intended to be constructive criticism, to be taken, absorbed, and learned from. And if it ever seems like I'm being overly harsh, it's because I want you to improve, as a friend. Thank you.

Hmm, to start off your very first sentence you overused the words corners and light. Also, despite it being a very fun word, I fail to see how light can shudder

I can't disagree with throwing your protagonist's name in so early, but I do disagree that merely mentioning him is the way to go. This is a very style based matter, but I always try and show my characters first, give you a feel for who they are without revealing much at all, and then give their name in dialogue or the like, rather than just plain narration.

"It" really shouldn't be capitalized, and just telling us this is fairly bland. What Chriso means by telling is just using general words to tell us what something is, when what writers try to do is show people what it is with their descriptions. Showing paints a picture, while telling merely gives a summary.

Describing the layout of the house is all well and good, but it really is unnecessary and pretty boring, something you want to avoid at all costs. My general rule of thumb is to never tell the reader any more than they need to know for the story. Giving them a cool hideout and telling us about it is one thing, but we really don't need to know that right now, if at all. It is a form of infodumping, and, as I said, it distracts the reader and scrambles his focus. Stories are supposed to be character driven (some of them), and if you aren't giving us details relevant to our understanding of the character (I judge the blueprint of his house not necessary to like the protagonist), you are just wasting space, to be perfectly blunt.

You do fairly well alluding to what his new profession is, but you mix the parts that are hidden from the public and the parts that are normal in a wanton way. You start by telling us it is a normal house, and describe some of the normal rooms, but then you get to the hidden basemant and it ruins any suspense. Then you switch back to normal when you tell us about his cabinets and his dress. Start normal, and then either stay normal and only reveal the shocking "hidden from the public" stuff later, or go into it by degrees, and make it a transition.

Statements like "And that is just the way he wanted it" can be inferred by the readers, and seem tacky and pointless when you tell them to us yourself. Obviously if he is hiding something he would want to be hiding it, or else he would not be doing so. Never underestimate the reader, that's a rule almost as important as "Show, don't tell".

Once again, your descriptions are kind of awkward, "its wicked sharp turns urging at any normal man nearby." I don't really have a vision of what it is to urge turns at people, thus this only confuses me as a reader. I get what you mean, but it's not as powerful as the alternative. Such as "gleaming in the candlelight menacingly", now that I can envision

Most people thought Jamaal was a mercenary. After all, assassins...well...they didn't try to make it obvious. Besides, he did mercenary work anyway. His uncle had taught him a few tricks, the now old man still staying in Rihad, watching over the Fighter's Guild there. At least the Fighter's guild was still in shape. Shaleez really did like the Mages Guild, at least before that Traven started calling the shots. He was dead now, who could care more? The Guild was a damn stall now, rotting like a rose in a thorn bush.

This entire paragraph seems like a rambling infodump. I don't know who any of these people are, and if this is how you intend to introduce them it will only leave people confused and uninterested. One of the main keys to making an interesting fan fiction is suspense and mystery, the reader shouldn't know what's going on, but they should want to. However, you can't satisfy that want all at once. It's like eating chocolate, if you give them a little they'll ask for more, but if you give them a lot then they'll walk away.

If you really deem all that information necessary than tell it to us in dialogue or thoughts, but not in narration. If you want some tips on how to give this kind of information I can go into further detail, but for now I'd like to move on.

And the part after that you continue to tell instead of show, with infodumps that aren't essential. I might sound harsh in how frequently I say this, but it is absolutely vital that you master these skills, and stamp out these bad habits.

Ellipses can be a powerful tool to show a character's emotions when they are hesitant or gloomy, but overuse them and they lose all their meaning. They are only for trailing off at the end of a statement, as if the speaker regretted saying it, not for ordinary conversation.

I fail to see how the Tong have to do with their current conversation, and if this is some kind of plot point or backstory thing it is only confusing the reader. I am much more interested in this Renal character, or the new Listener they are talking about. I would think a Listener would be in charge, but the way they're talking about him he sounds like a new recruit.

Your dialogue feels a little rusty and unnatural, and lacks flavor. It is a difficult thing to master, most writers still struggle with it, but you want to try and have your conversations flow, with logical and reasonable responses from the characters based on the topic at hand and their personalities. You also want to try and give each character a specific voice, speaking quirks like frequently expressed phrases or accents. My favorite is to interject "ah" and "well", because that is how I write anyway. For example: "Well, I don't know what you mean by that." or "We have been having some, ah, troubles with the recent crime activity." Ah is used mainly to go before some kind of generalization or lie, in which the character is trying to find the right word, biding himself time. It happens frequently in conversations, and should be just as present in writing. These are just a couple examples, there are hundreds of things you can do to give dialogue flavor.

The exclamation points should come as infrequently as ellipses, only used when someone is shouting, calling for someone, or very happy. "I believe Andrel is already there" is really nothing to get excited about, people aren't usually that happy, especially assassins. And you want your characters to be as much like normal people with intricate and complex personalities as possible.

This is the best example of telling so far, "The dead Altmer was their companion." And that's not a good thing. It conveys no emotions, no characterization; nothing but fact. And fact, as interesting as it may be, is boring in a story. Why not show the characters' faces as they react to this news? Why not do something that improves the quality of your story, instead of just pushing it along?

Was death really always around the corner?

Asking questions in narration is a bad habit, and it is a meager excuse many novice writers use to try and convey emotion. It doesn't really tell us what the characters are feeling, it is not even from the point of view of a character. It is the author showing through, expressing their thoughts as though they were the character's, and it is one of the biggest mistakes in characterization.

The action came a little haphazardly, we don't really know what happened; only that an arrow was fired and that they started running. How did he even know it was coming? Did he hear it? Did he see the archer? These are questions you should be answering from the character's point of view, to give us a feel for the scene and the characters. Right now it feels like a summary, some very detailed notes for a story, but not a real narrative. It reads alright, but it isn't the kind of top quality stuff you want to write. Not to mention it is confusing and a tad boring, to be perfectly honest :shrug:

How does an arrow duck anyway?

Anyway, all that harsh critique aside, it wasn't that bad, especially for your first story. I know how used you are to RPs, and writing actual stories can be an awkward and scary transition. It takes a lot of work, and a lot of humility, to become good at it. You have to balance a hundred things at once, keeping in mind a thousand rules, and at the same time try and write a coherent, interesting story. But most importantly, you have to be able to take criticism, and you have to read everything you can. You'll spend hours writing, practicing, and every time someone will come up and point out all the bad things about it. It doesn't feel good to have your failures pointed out like that, but it's the only way we learn. I would love to just say you did a great job and give you a pat on the back, but that doesn't help anything (not trying to insult anyone ) All I can say is to keep it up, and thanks for writing :goodjob:


(Friggin' long critique succesful again )

That is the point, it is a climix of action to the next chapter, so that you will read the next chapter...

Like you said, the writer isn't supposed to know what happened, not yet. Also, I like my metaphors. I watch how professional writers write. You know, like a simile?

There is a reason they talk about the Listener like that. I have a lot of things hidden in the plot line, that will come.

I encourage you all to keep reading, because this plot is going to get very, very good.

Bold = Lol, you know I am not qualified to critique, I just read what I like, don't read what I don't. (and I read your story religiously!)



@ Woolymammoth45 - Darkom95 is amongst the best authors on this site, and it is a privilege if he critiques your writing, he only does so to help you improve, and you would be amazed the difference you see in your own writing when you are so privileged to get critiques of this kind from those qualified to give them and learn from them. I always thank them gratefully, because they have helped me tremendously. (and I have never been lucky enough to get a critique from Darkom95, or BSparrow either)

What looks great to me may not always be correct grammatically, I am just a fan of the stories I like, and don't read the ones I don't like. I also read a lot of stories from authors who are better writers than I am in order to learn some of the correct ways to tag a dialogue, show not tell, etc.

I am very excited about where your story is going, and hope to see: More! More!

That is why I write it.

I know Darkom very well, more than many. We go back a long way you might say. Well, chapter 2 is coming soon to a theater near you.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that, but I have known you for about eight months now. That's why I am glad to see you writing stories, and one reason why I took so much time and effort to give you a critique.


However, I was ninjad in responding to your previous statement, so I'll just give my response to that here:


Alright, but that doesn't justify making the "action" so bland. It might seem like it's suspenseful, but it's really just confusing. Suspense is based on the reader caring about what happens to the characters, not confusing them to the point where they don't know what's going on. They should know what is happening, just not why.

Not to mention that chapters need to end at natural points, not just at cliffhangers. You wouldn't randomly stop in the middle of a conversation, or a fight. It leaves the feeling of incompletion, and doesn't leave the reader feeling whole and satisfied. It doesn't make suspense or mystery, it just kind of makes me feel like you just stopped writing. It wasn't a bad way to end, I just meant you should describe what the heck happened. Like I said, they should know what's going on and how it happened, just not why it's happening or who is making it happen. The story is told from the view of the characters (at least I hope so, head hopping far off narration isn't usually succesful), so we should know everything they do. Then you make it interesting by having things that they don't know, like the why.

I am familiar with metaphors, but most of what you wrote is not that. Metaphors are comparing two unlike things in a poetic way, to give the reader a better understanding of the scene. If it didn't give me a better understanding of the scene, it wasn't a very good metaphor. Not to mention I don't even know where in the story you are talking about. If you could point that out I would be much more able to tell you if it was or was not a metaphor.

Yes, I know there is a reason, what I was saying was that it was good suspenseful dialogue, and not infodumping or telling. I don't really care as a critic what the reason is (though I do as a reader), I'm just looking at it purely as whether or not it was good writing.

Okay, plots are all fun and good, but they don't make a story. Ever heard of a character driven story? It's much more important to have your readers care about what happens to your protagonist than it is to have heartpounding action or even beautiful descriptions. Suspense is nothing without characterization, and plot is just an interesting idea.

Do you have any other response to my advice? It's much more helpful if you defend your writing, or ask questions, rather than just trying to justify a couple of things. It's much better to respond to each of my statements individually so I can be sure you fully understand what I am saying. Otherwise you really aren't learning much.

But really, I know I sounded very harsh, I'm only trying to help. Writing is difficult, no one ever said otherwise, but at the same time it should be fun. And you should always be striving to improve. The attitude you need to have is the desire to get better, not that your current work is good enough. I know I always detest what I write, and am always looking for ways to make it better. It sounds weird, but you should probably do the same.

Thanks.

Think about the recent Infernal City novel, it stops in a climix point: to make sure people read the next book. Some people like that, others don't.

Next chapter will come in a few days.

ROFL - the blind leading the blind? ROFL !! No, if something is so blatent that I can see it is wrong, I will point it out, but it almost has to have a giant flashing neon arrow pointing to it before I will see it, lol.

(There are so many people qualified to give correct advice, (which I am not, I have neither the education nor the experience) So I just encourage, which is the one thing I am qualified to do - but, I won't lie. So, if I don't like one I read, I slip off the page without leaving a comment.)


@ Wooleymammoth45 - I am glad you already had an understanding of the critiques, that makes a huge difference. I worry some when it is a person's first offering that they will take offense at them. ROCK ON, and I will quit spamming your page!

Qualifiers up front. This is by no means a complete edit or proofread. The opinions and suggestions I express are just that- opinions and suggestions. Just because I believe them to be true does not make them right. Finally, these are my "impressions"- what struck me on first reading. Because you are working to improve your craft as a writer, my goal is to indicate places where you can achieve that improvement. You are, of course, free to incorporate or discard my suggestions as you feel appropriate- it IS your story.

Now to begin at the beginning:



Compare to:



The main thing I see is a need to clear away some unnecessary description. Give the reader just enough information to allow their imagination to paint the rest of the picture. If a color, sound, smell, etc. is not important to the plot, consider leaving it out. Not holding myself up as a great example, but I rarely describe what my characters are wearing- unless it is armor of a certain type or something significant to the story. That is because, in most cases, whether the shirt is pink or purple really doesn't matter- they are wearing clothes- enough said. Another way to avoid excessive description is to use the action to include descriptive material.

"He went up the stairs and entered the first room on the left."

There is also a bit of needless repetition- Paragraph 1- "The house looked like any other of the city, ?." Paragraph 2- "The house did not show any unusual features?.", Paragraph 3- "The house looked like a usual thing?."

Word choice for immersion- you mention "things all went to hell?." That is a perfectly good, descriptive phrase. If you are going for TES-immersion, however, you may want to use TES-specific language "things all went to Oblivion?" I do not insist on it- just be sure you are consistent.



The shift from "people thought Jamaal was a mercenary" to "Shaleez really did like the Mages guild" was confusing. Is the Redguard Jamaal or Shaleez?



Another confusing character shift. If it is Shaleez who notices the danger and shoves Jamaal, why is it Jamaal who yells for Shaleez to run? Also, he might "duck his head as an arrow whipped past," but an arrow would never "duck beneath his head"- unless it hit him in the neck?.

You have the bones of an exciting story here. I am interested in what is happening and why- I wonder who these people are and what they are up to- I am curious to see what happens next.

I too am interested to see where you are taking this. You definitely have a talent for providing atmosphere, and I know you want to maintain a certain mystery in these first few chapters to keep us coming back for more. But I agree with Darkom95 when he cautioned you to avoid 'infodumping'. Be careful you don't give us too much information. Given the action of the first chapter, these sentences:



are better conveyed through the actions and interactions of the characters in subsequent scenes or chapters. Remember, less is more. It's not really necessary for us to know about Shaleez' background yet. Or about the old man still staying in Rihad. Or about the friendship between Rhano, Renal, and Jamaal and etc.

Thanks. I'm happy to take help from all of you and am trying to incorporate it. 2nd chapter should make it up in a few days at the most. I'll try not to info dump as well.

You know, it's a very good way for us to anolyze your improvement when you edit your current chapters. I know whenever I get critique I immediately go back and fix whatever was wrong, so people aren't telling me the same thing over and over. Not only does it make your chapter more appealing to future readers (if your first chapter isn't good, no one will want to read further), but it helps us know what you did and did not understand fully about our critiques.

Thanks.



EDIT:

Ah well, I better start on that then. Ha.

So, when's the next chapter going to be released? I am eager to know what will happen next!

Probably either the night of the 23rd, or the 24th (eastern time). I should be able to finish it soon. I have about 3 pages of word on the second chapter done. I will do two more, and it will good.

Also, I haven't edited the first chapter, I will do that later. I just haven't had the time.

EDIT: I did edit some of the info dumping.

Ah, very good. I look forward to reading it.

The writing is rather good. The story is good so far and surely builds you up. There are a few points where grammar could use some work, but otherwise its a great piece.

Thank you FH.

Looks like the next chapter will be up tomorrow unless I decide to finish it late tonight. It is 11:48 PM now, and if it is done it will be at about 1 AM.

Sorry everyone...

I promise to have it up soon. Unexpected trip came along.

My goodness! Much has been said already, so let me just chime that I look forward to learning a bit more as you continue forward. Nice of you to join us with a fanfic! :goodjob:

*Bump*

Chapter coming on weekend.