Comedian, this has gotten to be a semi-comedy fanfiction, and thanks man, for the inspiration.

It's still serious, but I add a little comedy here-and-there to keep you guys happy.

Dont get to funny XD You need it to be a little serious, none the less awesome!

Its still REALLY serious.

I know I mean just don't turn it into a comedy story

Comedy is for the occasional crowd pleaser when they're getting bored, the story is what I am doing.

Lucky thing Kalarn/Kalarna is in SI, if it was Imperial City he would have to worry about Lex, lol. Another great chapter Zalphon!

Kalarn/Kalara is in IC right now.

Oh that's right, a couple chapters ago - sorry Zalphon. I don't know why I thought he was in SI still - bad day I guess. My Oblivion game crashed from some mod mix that went wrong. I have the daylight back on again, but indoors it flickers. Then big giant gray and yellow arrows are on my character and floating in the sky above her.

Ok, I have read the stories since I last commented. Your structure/grammar/spelling continues to improve.

You have a wonderfully clever thing going with the identity changes - and well executed as you slip from one char to another.

I agree with you. Hints of humor are great, but this is a serious story and should remain so.

You have heeded and implemented the advice to find ways to avoid over using your chars' names. Avoiding, for example: Kalara did this, Kalara said that, Kalara felt this....

Your descriptions have improved greatly. Your former tendancy towards a bullet reporting, recounting, police blotter style has likewise improved tremendously. I would continue working on those two things. Reading good examples may help.

Thanks

Hints of humor are the most humor you will find. This is a serious story so. Thanks again I love the criticism

You pmed me (twice ) asking for my opinion. Unfortunately, I don't have the time and willpower needed to give your story justice. Honestly, I only have the attention span right now (long day at work -_- ) to read the first couple installments. I can tell by the comments on the last few pages that things get really interesting later on, though.

Everyone else seems to have you well in hand anyway. It's awesome to see you continually going at it like the proverbial 'engine that could,' and I love seeing how helpful everyone continues to be.

You definitely are improving. Your dialogue still occasionally sounds a little generic and stiff, but it's definitely getting there. Good job, and just keep working at it. You're definitely producing results. :goodjob:

Remember to keep your pace nice and slow, so that you don't leave a reader too far behind. Take the time to set the tone... use the setting, descriptions, and reflection to help steady your pace. Dialogue is an excellent tool for many things, but it's not your only one. (Again, I didn't get through as much as I should, so feel free to call me out if I spoke too soon, there. )

One curious thing I noticed, and I'm not sure if someone's mentioned it... when did you start dropping the punctuation in your dialogue? You're using commas (and a lot of them!) but nothing else in dialogue. This is disconcerting.

Example:



This is obviously grammatically incorrect. It should probably read...



...or...



...or...



...or any other type of punctuation except commas. Commas are awesome and useful, but they can't do everything... and one of the things they can't do is seperate two independent clauses.

Oh, and remember to spell check your passages. I caught a few typos that could have been caught by a simple computer check.

Again, I'm sorry that I don't have the attention span to give you more than that. You've been eternally attentive, receptive to criticism, enthusiastic... just generally the best kind of aspiring writer. Keep at it, and continue to enjoy yourself.

Oh thats the early stuff, Sparrow, the later stuff is good grammarically (mostly)

It's like a breath of fresh reading your current work. It is certainly an improvment.

In that case, I'm sorry for the outdated info. Like I said, I unfortunately only have the energy to get that far. This is why I've pretty much stopped critiqueing... I don't have the creative energy to do it right. :nope:

As to the grammatic correctness of your more recent chapters... maybe not so much. I skimmed a couple of them, and there seems to be some shakiness among dialogue tags.

(For example, the following...



...should be...



...because there are no active dialogue tags in those sentences. Yeah, dialogue grammar is convoluted... but keep researching it and reading it in published books, and you'll get it eventually. )

But, yeah...

A Warm Bed

Kalarn climbed up the ladder, as the young nord woman was all ready standing at the top of it. "Finally, no more dripping water," he thought cheerfully. The nordic woman smiled weakly as he climbed out of the grate. They walked together, ignoring the gawking of the crowds.

"Sir, why are you in women's clothing," a boy asked innocently. He let out a deep sigh. The boy looked to be a breton, he was dressed in fine clothing and seemed to be very young.

"I was a coward in the battle field of my homeland," Kalarn lied.

The boy ran off. Together the nordic couple opened the giant gates to the market district. The guards snickered as they walked past, but they didn't draw their blades just stood there, laughing. The gates were shoved open and the two walked in the district. The signs were many, vendors had tents on the streets, it was crowded. They waded through people as if they were swimming through water. Both rich and poor. The people stood, awestruck at the sight of the cross-dressing nord.

Finally after a quarter of an hour they reached the gates to the Temple District. A wide smile spread across the nord's face as he pushed open the gate and crept into the district. The Temple of the One was taken down after all these years, and the statue stood there, almost like a beacon of hope.

The two walked together to a door with a sign on it, "Skyris Wolfspirit's Home." She smiled gently, "This is my house."

"Ah," Kalarn responded. He opened the door and found a unique home. A rug was at the door, a table in the middle with four chairs, the bookshelves were lined with books, that was not what made it unique. On a stand over one of the bookcases was a sword, a white-silver sword.

The Nord Male asked, "Is that C-C-Chrysamere, the Paladin's Blade?"

She chuckled, "Yes, you could call me the Paladin then I guess, I am a Knight of the Nine, I found this sword not too long ago, must've been the Nine."

He asked, "May I hold the blade?"

Skyris walked over and pulled the great sword off the stand and handed it to him. It was heavy, but not extraordinarily so. He pulled a dagger out and slid it across his arm, only to see it heal. He rose a brow in awe, excited to see Chrysamere. He smiled at Skyris and put it back on the stand. The nord asked, "May I get the food you offered?"

Skyris walked into another room and came back with a plate of boar meat. It was hot, warm, and looked delicious, just what Kalarn needed.

You get better with each chapter Zalphon !!!

Okay, just so you know, I'm a nitpicker, so by asking me to review you're basically asking me to correct your spelling and grammar. With that in mind, all racial names such as Breton and Nord should be capitalized. Battlefield and already are both one word, not two.

This sentence:

Should be:

Other than that, several of your sentences and word usages are redundant, and there are a few that are too short and could be added onto others, while a few others seem to run on. Mechanically, you've improved vastly and have incorporated proper grammar into your writing to a better degree, but you still need to improve on your word usage. You use the same thing too much. Spice it up, give the sentences some variation. Use a thesaurus if necessary, but try not to use the same word twice in the same sentence, at least when referring to objects.

The Blackguard

The sun had began to set as the nord finished his meal. He wiped his face with his cloth and said politely, "Thank you, Skyris."

She gently wrapped her arms around him and squeezed. "It is my honor, Riverwind." Her grip was tight, she had a smile on her face. He kissed her hand, and climbed up the stairs. Seeking a bed, he opened a door and noticed a large bed with bookshelves filled with books and trophies. Kalarn turned to his right and opened another door, it had a bedroll, a few books scattered, and a feathery pillow. He walked in and pulled down the skirt and took off his blouse.

He pulled off the female undergarments, The nord wrapped up in the bedroll comftorably. He tossed and turned throughout the night. Nightmares filled his dreams of Ald'Ruhn being destroyed by the daedra. Kalarn awoke with sweat dripping from his hair, his muscular chest was soaked in sweat, as was the bedroll.

He stood up and called out, "Skyris." No answer came. The Nord grabbed his clothes only to notice his skin was as gray as the ashlands. He felt his chest and noticed he was a male dunmer again, for the first time in a great while. When the Dunmer went downstairs to investigate he found Skyris dead with a dagger with a note in her chest.

The note read, "Sorry, but I'll be the Master of the Guild before you reach that spot.

~The Blackguard."

Kalarn looked on the stand and noticed Chrysamore was still there. He gripped the blade tightly and kissed the dead nord. "I'll avenge you," he whispered.

He grasped the blade tightly and walked into another room. There was a suit of ebony armor on a rack. The dunmer donned the black-gold armor and shouted, "I will become the Dark Paladin and avenge your death, Skyris, I swear it."

The Dark Paladin shoved open the door and walked out of it...

The story is quite interesting, and I applaud you. You continue to handle the six and identity changes well I think. If you develop your characters to a deeper level, that may become a of a larger challenge. That said, you might consider adding a bit of depth to your characters so we have a better idea of what motivates them and why they do what they do.

You misspelled comfortably.

As in the game and UESP, I would capitalize the name of a race. The Nord or Dunmer...

'found Skyris dead with a dagger with a note in her chest.' This is awkward. The picture is clear, but I would try for a more elegant and less redundant way of saying it. Form the picture in your mind, then fiddle with the words until both the picture is clear and the words sing.

You have a good story and some quality writing going on!

Wow, that was great! For some weird reason it just reminded me of a movie I saw once, weird? O.o

Holy Cow Zalphon, you ROCKED this chapter !!!!!

The Dark Paladin

Kalarn walked out of the house, he felt his skull being bashed by his thoughts on how to torture "the Blackguard." A tear rolled down his right eye under the closed ebony helm. He looked back and whispered, "Thank you, Skyris, for everything."

He blinked back the rest of his tears and started walking. As he walked people noticed Chrysamere on his back and people kneeled. The Dark Paladin hissed, "Leave me, fools." The people scattered in fear of the dark-clad man. He frowned, knowing he had inspired fear in innocents.

The Dunmer looked at the Statue of Akatosh and prayed, "Give me strength, Milord, may the Nine give me strength, please, I beg of you."

He heard his ebony boots stomp on the ground as he walked. Kalarn shoved open one of the gates and walked into the Talos Plaza District. He walked past the staring citizens. The Dark Paladin shouted, "Leave me, before I show you all true agony." The citizens once again scattered. A tear ran down his cheek, the burning hot liquid of a tear. He shoved the doors of the Fighters' Guild open.

The Dunmer barked, "Where do I join?"

Azzan walked over with a weak smile, "Right here, would you like to hear the rules?"

Kalarn hissed, "No, just let me join."

The redguard's smile turned to a frown, "Fine, Associate, go get some work from Eydis Fire-Eye, in the basemant."

"Eydis, that wench was still alive, damn, I thought she'd be dead by now," He thought as he crept down the stairs and gently pushed open the door. An elderly nord with long gray hair in a suit of iron plate mail and a longsword was slashing at a training dummy.

The Paladin asked, "Got any work?"

The Nord turned around, she had a large smile and said sweetly, "Yes, I do, go collect a debt from a Amusei in the Water Front District."

He sighed and walked out the door. As he walked through the Imperial City the day was turning to night, but he finally found the Water Front District. It was a depressing place, filled with rats, disease, and beggars. The beggars pleaded for coins, but got the same response as always "no." Kalarn walked in a door labeled "Amusei's Shack." An argonian wearing tan linens and a huntsman's vest stared at him. He had a red scale pattern and asked, "What do you want, Scum?"

The Dark Paladin thrust his blade into the beggar and said, "A debt." He had no tears for this man, he didn't like argonians or khajiits, never had, never would. A weak smile spread across his face in completing a mission and getting one step closer to succeeding in finding the Blackguard. Kalarn walked back to Eydis and told her the news how Amusei tried to kill him, but was easily struck down. He recieved one-hundred septims.

The sun had set, it was getting dark out, and he needed a place to stay. A smile spread across his face as he made his way to Amusei's home, a den, a lair, a base of operations, for now at least...

Try to write the start in a smoother fashion, by breaking the sentence up.

ie.
Kalarn walked out of the house, the brisk wind sending small, brown leaves across his determined step. The pain in his head was still throbbing, and he could feel his skull bashed by his thoughts...

Zalphon, I love that your characters Zalphon and Kalarn are real romantic men, this is one of the things I loved about reading Zalphon before - the relationships you build between the men and women are awesome!

Steadily, your writing is continuing to improve. You are using creative metaphors - sometimes a tiny bit awkwardly, but making great progress.

You are showing glimpses into what Kalarn thinks and even a touch of why. And you are doing it in a way that seems a realistic depiction of the character - gruff and reluctant to reveal himself. Anger or cruelty are easy to display in such a character.
Your techinque of allowing him to reveal softer emotions through unintentional or even involuntary means is appropriate for him. Please continue - you are doing well here.


I am a huge Oblivion player, so I was struck by the location shifts based upon the game - that is, in game of course, Azzan and his guild are in Anvil, yet some of the action took place in the Imperial City. I don't know if, in Kalarn's world, Azzan is in the IC, or whether you want the reader to assume Kalarn's significant trips between the two cities without any transitionary breaks or explanation. Either way, it troubled me - perhaps just me. Also, for some reason, given the generally 'good' nature of the Fighters' Guild, I expected the 'debt' Kalarn was sent to collect to be something other than simply killing a mark. I would have expected mention of some money or something... was the 'debt', simply to kill Amusei? That is kind of the impression I got and it seemed a bit inconsistent for a FG mission. Both these points are simply the perception of one reader - regard or disregard them as you deem. I simply wanted to point them out.