Sorry for so much dialogue, but this is a very important chapter, on why the champion did the things he did, and how this lack of guild leadership is affecting various people, and how he wants the blades reformed. Moon-and-Star may be a lich, but he is a chaotic good lich (Oxymoron in DnD terms, but, is good, he is watching over Tamriel very closely, and anyone who messes with it will have him to deal with)

Edit: Please do criticize, or else I won't get any better...

This is great Zalphon! It is as good as the old Zalphon story you were doing! Great job!

Zalphon, It has been quite some time since I have read your work. The piece I read yesterday for you and this are both dramatically better than your earlier writing. This is nice work! I bolded a couple areas and inserted some code tag comment that I hope will help you with a couple basic things. Again, nice job!

Your work is very intriguing overall, I look forward to more. One or two things take me out a bit, though.

The first is just grammar-Nazism, but flawless grammar will help your story flow better. Words like Dunmer, Khajiit, Altmer and Blades (the organisation) are proper nouns, they need capitalisation. You also seem to have rather a lot of commas - perfectly fine, but think of how you can end or join sentences without them, to vary the pace.

Secondly, your characters seem a little flat. You give them an interesting setting to play in, but the dialogue itself reads more like exposition than natural conversation, there seems to be a lack of emotion and overall flow to it. Put yourself behind their eyes and ask how you would speak. I'm sure this will improve in time, however. Keep up the good work!

I need more comments...

Raminus Polis: Friend or Foe?

Kalarn stood in awe. Staring at all the stone buildings, the walking suits of ebony armor. The many wandering dremora. And in the middle of it all, a giant tower. Kalarn walked over to the tower and read the sign, "The Archmage's Tower." He entered the tower looking for Raminus. Suddenly a scamp ran out from the shadows and asked, "Im Creeper, and I am creeping, who are you?"

The Blade responded, "Kalarn, Kalarn Broodikus."

Creeper smiled, "Up the stairs is where you'll find Raminus, back to creeping."

Inside the tower was gargantuan. The stone walls were so spread out it could be confused for a castle's great hall, but it was really such a small tower. Kalarn walked up the stairs and seen Raminus reading. He ran up, and smelled rotting flesh. He the breathing of a man. Raminus looked down and commanded, "Kill him, Minions,"

Two skeletons came out of nowhere, they were old, dusty, and armed. Kalarn grabbed a sword from a suit of armor and parried the blows of the skeletal warriors. The blades screeched as they collided. The skeletons were relentless, but soon enough Kalarn broke their defense and killed them. The dunmer ran up the steps and seen Raminus standing over a soon-to-be dead altmer female. Raminus had opened her rib cage, her lips were sewn shut, and her eyes screamed, "kill me, please, kill me."

The altmer was young, but she was in anguish. Raminus looked around and asked, "Why are you here, this is my tower?"

Kalarn looked at the altmer and whispered, "Good night, Child, stabbed the altmer's open heart, severing her feeble connection to life. Raminus scowled, "I shall take my leave, and you will follow me most likely, won't you."

The Dunmer nodded an affirmative. The elderly necromancer sighed, "Farewell, mer."

Polis muttered under his breath and suddenly a portal to the Shivering Isles appeared. Kalarn walked in, to the realm of madness, and the place that took the champion's sanity from him.

AHA! I knew Raminus was evil! lol. Good addition Zalphon!

Any more criticism?

The Shivering Isles

Kalarn stood in the isles, with awe on his face. He had read the champion's book on the isles, but it was nothing like it was now. Golden Saints wondered, grim looks on their faces, their golden skin was scarred. The place had a feeling as if it was in great pain. Was he in Mania, or was it Dementia? There was no way to tell, except to walk south.

The weather changed constantly, it was searing hot, then it was dripping wet. Kalarn had a feeling that this place had a dark aura, one that he hadn't felt in a long time. The walk lasted for hours, it was uneventful however. By time he reached New Sheoth, the night sky had come. Kalarn thought, "The one thing that is normal is the stars."

The star patterns weren't of any birthsign he'd ever seen, but of Sheogorath. He thought, "Well, almost normal." He entered the Bliss District and seen a variety of things. People smiling, golden saints scowling, jokes being told. The place had a feel of great wickedness to it, beneath the illusion. The place smelled of guar meat that had just been roasted, a smell Kalarn loved. He walked past the people, and heard a conversation between two citizens.

"The Duke of Dementia is back."

"Holy mudcrabs, I sure am excited, I haven't been this excited since I was a mudcrab."

Kalarn rose a brow, but kept walking. The saints frowned, their eyes showed much anger. Kalarn pushed open the doors to New Sheoth district, and rushed to the palace. There sat Sheogorath, a look on his face as if he was experiencing great joy. Kalarn barked, "Where is Raminus?"

Sheogorath smiled, "Around, dear child, Polis is here, in my palace in fact, or is he?"

Kalarn hissed, "Tell me."

Sheogorath chuckled, "Oh, commands, we'll see how that works."

Sheogorath muttered under his breath and Kalarn fell to the ground, asleep. He commanded, "Saints, take him to the champion's quarters, lay him on the bed, let us see how strong his will is and how long he can stay sane in his own nightmares, should he die, he will awake, as mad as the rest of the residents."

One golden saint asked, "Milord, are you sure?"

The prince nodded.

They dragged the sleeping body away out of the throne room...

Other than using the word 'mudcrab' twice in one sentence, this is the best! You did a great job on this chapter!

It was intentional. They're crazy remember. "Holy mudcrabs, I haven't been this excited since I was a mudcrab." was intentional.

Aha!

(Time to open a can of 'mean critic')

If he entered through the portal, wouldn't it be correct to walk NORTH? Assuming that the portal is the one in the Fringe.

And why did the golden saint question Sheogorath? The saints and seducers are in no way entitled to question their masters orders.

And why do they have guar meat in the isles? There are no other creatures from Nirn there, so why guar?

First of all, how do we know he was there (He wasn't, he was in Mania) It was a portal opened by Raminus, not the gateway in Niben Bay. South, north, east, west, all directions, but if he walked south, he knew he'd find dementia if it was in Mania he was at, because dementia is depressing. Guar meat, that is a smell, he didn't see it, and in the game we never got to SMELL anything, so maybe the smell is him just going mad from short-term exposure.

Visions of the Past: Battle of Sutch

"Where am I," Kalarn thought. He was in the Deadlands again, still the horrors of the war raced through his brain. This time he wasn't in the armor of a Cyrodillian Blade, he was in the armor of a Dremora. He heard a voice whisper, "Make them obey, make your daedra obey."

Kalarn obeyed the voice, "Listen up you knaves, stand in attention." The heat was searing in this hellish wasteland, but he knew if he was to get out of here he'd have to win this battle. This was the Battle of Sutch. The dremora markynaz commanded, "The Valkynaz is speaking, stand in attention you pathetic scribs."

The dremora looked at Kalarn. He wondered, "How do they survive in this armor, its so heavy, and this place is so hot." He shouted, "Who will win this battle, when we attack the city they call, 'Sutch'."

The thousands of dremora shouted, "We will."

Kalarn frowned under his helmet and into the citadel, he was one of Dagon's personal bodyguards, and he was going to have to destroy Sutch to get home. The voice faintly whispered, "Their joy for killing, they want you to kill, and what if you don't, then you will enver get back home."

He looked around the giant citadel, this battle was right after Kvatch. Strangely enough no one seemed to care much, not even the Jauffre. Kalarn found his quarters, he thought. He frowned, "If I fail, I'll be reliving my nightmares all over again. Is this Sheogorath's tricks or is this my nightmares taking over."

Kalarn sat there and heard the deep voice of Dagon shout, "My soldiers, enter Sutch, destroy it, leave nothing behind."

The soldiers cheered, and Kalarn walked out, ready to end Sutch...

Now that is the writing I know you can do! Awesome Zalphon!

My word Zalphon! You've improved tremdously over these past few weeks since I first took notice to your writing. I must say, I'm wonderfully impressed! Keep up the good work.

-Dren

Thank you, Milord.

Hey I have to improve otherwise I will never complete my dream of becoming a novel writer, a step up or two from fanfiction, but hey its possible.

Just know everyone here supports aspiring writers and any amount of talent they bring with them. There's always room for improvement as well. Even I need to improve on a few things. But continuing my praise -- I love the story. I'm actually excited for the next installment. You've definitely shaken off the baby fat of the Fallout fanfiction forum.

*Picks up can opener*


If he shouts, you should use exclamation marks instead of punctum.



I don't understand this sentence completely. Is it supposed to be:




Again, a little confusing sentence.



I would separate this sentence with a punctum.






Again, exclamation marks.


But there's not a bad word to say about the story. I really like it
Keep it coming ;D

Sorry I will wait at least 36 hours before I post another chapter.

Zalphon, per your request, I reviewed the entries since last I read this. You continue to improve, but let me offer two general suggestions:
1. Continue reading the fine work of other writers and look for examples to emulate when it comes to improving descriptions and dialogue - almost all of us can improve those areas, myself included.
2. You continue to be prone to a noticeable number of grammar/typo distractions. Let me highlight some below. For as long as I have been reading your work and pointing it out, you still use 'seen' when you should be using 'saw'.

Post #31

"Kalarn walked up the stairs and seen Raminus reading."
Saw

"He the breathing of a man. "
Makes no sense.

"The dunmer ran up the steps and seen Raminus standing over a soon-to-be dead altmer female. "
Saw

Post #34

"Golden Saints wondered, grim looks on their faces, "
I think you mean wandered.

"He entered the Bliss District and seen a variety of things. "
Saw

Post #40

"Kalarn obeyed the voice, "Listen up you knaves, stand in attention." The heat was searing in this hellish wasteland, but he knew if he was to get out of here he'd have to win this battle. This was the Battle of Sutch. The dremora markynaz commanded, "The Valkynaz is speaking, stand in attention you pathetic scribs."
If your intent is to evoke a military feel here, use 'stand at attention' - I'm telling you as one with three decades in the Marine Corps.

"How do they survive in this armor, its so heavy"
Its = possessive / it's = it is - you want the later here.

"Their joy for killing, they want you to kill, and what if you don't, then you will enver get back home."
Never

You are working hard and with tenacity - it is paying off. Just keep on those little things. Good job. :goodjob:

Visions of the Past: Sutch Part II

Kalarn marched in front of the rest of the daedra, the dremora, the clannfear, the xiviali. On his back was a banner, with "Dagon's Army" written in the daedric alphebet on it. The heat was like a nightmare, as if he were in the khajiit homeland again. He was a dunmer and he'd never been this hot, but he continued walking. Into the portal they marched.

When they were out, Kalarn noticed the flames of Kvatch to the east. He shouted, "Look to the east, that is Kvatch, now look to the north, that is Sutch, let us bring ruin to Sutch, like our kyn did to Kvatch!" The intelligent daedra, the dremora cheered. They marched, thankfully it was much cooler here than the Deadlands. As they marched, which lasted for ten minutes, the city guards guarding the gate charged. They had cuirasses on with a bag of overflowing septims over their black background, they also had chainmail and adorned silver long swords. They went into panic and shouted, "Daedra, help, please!"

Kalarn shed a tear under his helmet, he saw this battle, he watched the daedra destroy Sutch, now he was leading them. The Blade grabbed his sword and slashed it against the guards that were slow, it cut through their chainmail like a hot knife through scrib jelly. One pleaded, "Please, stop this madness."

"Madness," Kalarn thought. He sighed and stabbed the blade into the chest of the guard of Sutch. A pool of blood stained the grass, and a short, but loud shout of agony was heard. Kalarn put up his hand in a fist meaning, "Stop." He walked over to gate and tried to push it open. He barked, "Those fools, they locked the gate, xiviali, break down the gate."

The tall dark skinned creatures wearing only a red loincloth and armed with daedric warhammers came out, and beat against the gate. Bam, bam, bam, each time a piece of wood splintering. For several minutes the xiviali pounded the gate, until it burst open under the intese might of the daedra. Children screamed, women cried, men grabbed weapons, this fight was going to be ugly, to say the least.

The daedric forces charged, the guard fell like kwama foragers fighting ogrim. The women ran into their houses, but the xiviali troops bashed open the doors and with a single thrust ended the lives of the women. The children hid, but the clannfear sniffed them out and tore them to shreds. A dremora mage ran up to Kalarn and asked, "Do we start to burn the city?"

Kalarn nodded an affirmative, and the dremora barked, "Burn the city, mages, leave none alive."

Sutch was in flames fast, the houses were becoming part of the ground, the people were being burned if they were still alive, and what remained of the mortals was cremated by the flame. The last thing remaining was the Count's Castle. When they opened the door, the dremora charged, killing off the remaining guards. They charged through with ease, once they reached a door marked, "Count's Quarters" Kalarn stated, "He is mine."

The leader pushed open the door and found the Count standing there. He was a young, dark-haired, tall, imperial. He dressed in black pants, black shoes, a black shirt, and a black and gold jacket. He asked, "Here to kill me, Daedra?"

Kalarn's head bobbed an affirmative. The Count responded, "Then do it."

Kalarn thrust his blade into the Count, hastily, he heard a faint, but short-lived, shriek of anguish, but it was followed by silence. Now he was teleported, to the deadlands oncemore, and this time Dagon said to Kalarn personally, "Valkynaz, your work at Sutch was magnificent, now we will take down Ald'Ruhn, the temple-worshippers have stopped followers from coming. You are to lead an assault on this place, leave no survivors."

The Blade was in awe, he was still here, and he also saw this battle happen, right after the Battle of Bruma, this happened, he came home to meet up with a blade in Vivec, but heard of the madness in Ald'Ruhn. It finally came to his mind, "I am reliving my days of the Crisis, except I must lead the daedra to victory, Sheogorath has found my deepest hatred and forced me to help them, that N'wah."

Kalarn walked out and barked, "Those of you who fought at Sutch with me, well done, but now we will take Ald'Ruhn, you have twenty-four tamrielic hours to prepare..."

I couldn't help it. The story is getting so intense, I just can't wait to share whats next! Besides, anyone noticed that I am doing places that were cut or in rumors? I get to add lore (albeit non-canon), but hey its how I view these places as they got attacked.

In my rather muddled state of mind, there's no way I can give you an in-depth critique, but know that you have improved tremendously since the last time I read your fanfics. Just make the entries a bit longer and you'll really have something going here.