Chapter V: The Travel to Vivec

Desmond awoke to the soft, gentle, singing of Raven, once he opened his eyes she asked out loud, "So, you know the situations with the provinces right?"

He shook his head no and told her, "No, afraid not."

She explained, "The Summerset Isles are lost, some people say they have been destroyed, others say they are hidden."

Desmond nodded and told her to continue.

She added, "Valenwood's bosmer have started hunting all non-bosmer in their territory believing them to be, sentinels. Elseweyer's khajiits are in hiding, those who enter the desert of Elsewyer are bound to see none, only desert. The Black Marsh is in a civil war, between two groups of argonians, who call themselves The Marsh-Walkers and the Swamp Warriors, the Marsh-Walkers want peace in the Black Marsh and to hide, while the Swamp Warriors want to fight, the main cause is the Swamp Warriors if they win will send every, last, argonian to fight the sentinels. Cyrodiil, as you have already seen is a warzone, the only safe-haven in all of Cyrodiil is the Imperial City, which only Ocato, his most trusted advisors, family, and most trusted guards are allowed to be in. The Illiac Bay region is doing well for itself, but many small hamlets have fallen to sentinels. Skyrim's nords are under siege almost constantly, thankfully the legion is there to help, however it just leads to more deaths. And now Morrowind, has sealed itself off from the rest of the Empire and declared itself free of imperial rule."

Desmond raised a brow and said, "Ah, I really missed a lot, while I was in the city."

Raven nodded in agreement.

Desmond finally said, "We need to get to Vivec, to speak to Vivec himself."

Raven sighed and said, "Vivec is under quarantine, only those cleared by Tholer Saryoni can enter."

Desmond had a look of minor irritation and said, "Fine, lets go to where this Saryoni fellow is."

Raven started walking to the Silt Strider and barked, "Com' on, we're going on a silt strider."

He asked, "Whats a Silt Strider?"

She chuckled and said, "A giant bug."

Desmond thought, "This is going to be a very, very, very long journey."

Good, but I don't think it was necessary to explain what happened all at once, and Desmond's expression of the way he recieved it was.. Not what I expected. I thought he would be frightened to hear all this happening, but all he said was 'Ah, I really missed alot'? ...... :banghead:

Keep it up man! Your doing a good job .

Desmond fought a very, very, very powerful wizard that took down imperial legionairres like flies. Fear is not something he is afraid of... Desmond has seen and fought armies of frost atronaches, hunted down a demi-god, survived the Oblivion Crisis in the Legion, he is not afraid, to him, this just the Oblivion Crisis all over again.

Chapter VI: The City of Golden Guards and Boatmen

Raven handed the Silt-strider master a few golden coins and said to her, "We're going to Vivec."

The Silt-Strider master grinned and told her, "Beautiful city it is."

Raven and Desmond crawled into the empty shell of the silt strider. Desmond groaned at the thought of being in a silt strider and nervously asked, "Umm, Raven, can I tell you something?"

Raven politely said, "Yes, Desmond, we're friends, aren't we?"

Desmond whispered, "I am uncomftable in these things, I get noxious, and a little depressed hearing their cries."

Raven nodded and told him, "It's ok, Desmond."

He thought, "Hardly, I used to be in the legion, and I am afraid of an overgrown bug."

The time passed as the two spoke about trivial things about who would win in a fight between a Vvardenfell Nix-Hound and a Cyrodiil wolf.

Finally, they heard a stop and the silt-strider master shouted, "All off, we're here at Vivec."

Raven crawled out rather quickly and helped Desmond out. Desmond happily told her, "Thanks."

She grinned and said, "Don't worry, Sera."

Desmond had never been to Vvardenfell, he was born in Cyrodiil and asked her, "Whats Sera mean, Raven?"

She chuckled as she said, "Its a term of respect amongst the dunmer people."

He nodded and told her, "Lets go, Sera."

Raven chuckled and told him, "Lets go, watch your back, Desmond, the ordinators have no problem slitting your throat if you 'misbehave'".

Desmond nodded as they walked and then he seen guards dressed in golden armor with blue pants on, he couldn't help but ask the guard, "Are you an ordinator?"

The guard replied, "Yes, I am an ordinator, now get lost, Outlander."

Desmond wanted to tell the ordinator what a pathetic, worthless, and horrible rat he was, but Raven covered his mouth.

The two kept walking and seen a gondolier, Raven told the gondolier, "To the temple, please."

The gondolier explained, "Fine, four drakes."

Desmond asked, "Whats a drake?"

The gondolier exclaimed, "You outlanders call them septims."

Raven whispered a few words under her breath and the gondolier said politely, "Actually, you can go for free."

Raven and Desmond got on the boat.

He thought in awe, "Wow, Raven is a great mage, for an apprentice that is."

I tried to make the dialogue more, believeable...

The only criticism I have for you Zalphon is that the dialog is...how can I word this...some lines it is just speech then speech without any action from the characters. Everyone is doing an action while they talk...I hope someone else can come by and explain this better because I just can't think of the words right now.

I will give an example though:

"Raven and Desmond crawled into the empty shell of the silt strider. Desmond groaned at the thought of being in a silt strider and nervously asked, "Umm, Raven, can I tell you something?"" Here you describe the actions of Desmond what he was taking a seat.

Raven politely said, "Yes, Desmond, we're friends, aren't we?" Here Raven just replies. Adding more action to what they are doing would make it feel more real.

Ok, that is my 2 cents. As a whole though the story is keeping me interested and I want to know what happens next, so keep up the good work.

I really don't have much to say that others already haven't.

You seem to be doing pretty well for yourself here. You're progressing the plot nicely, and it's difficult to guess what will happen next, which does wonders for the suspense. I would have preferred to know a bit more about the circumstances and characters earlier, having no experience with the RP... but that was a deliberate choice on your part, so I'll let it be.

You're still moving very quickly. Slow down your pace by using sensory descriptions. Use a lot of description especially in the important parts: descriptions help us linger in the moment, and that's what pulls us into the story.

What Bmont is referring to is the fact that not every line needs the dialogue tag ("Desmond said," "Gold-Heart replied," "Ocato told him," etc) if it's obvious who's talking. This is something you should be building a sense of, if you read a lot (you do pick up a book every once in a while, right? :stare: )

It's awesome to see you still writing, and I'm once again surprised by how openly you welcome criticism. It's refreshing. You're also obviously doing your best to put the advice into action. I can see where you put in vivid descriptions and tried to smooth out your dialogue. Make no mistake; there is improvement. Keep practicing, and soon we'll all have nothing to complain about. :celebration:

There is one thing that others have said, however, that bears repeating (and apparently beating, like the proverbial dead horse).

From what I've seen of you, your weakness is by far your dialogue. This is something that will require some sort of paradigm shift to get a grasp on, and I'm not sure how to help you wrap your head around what, exactly, is wrong with it. Take this excerpt, for example.



(I'm not going to comment on the comma over-use, because others already have. )

Do you see how stiff and over-dramatic this dialogue is? Think of a cheesy 60s sci-fi movie or something. If characters deliver lines like this with flat faces... they tend to evoke laughs.

The fact that Desmond feels the need to reiterate that their friends are dead is repetative and heavy-handed. Name dropping the Ice King is unnatural, since that isn't how a sentence of this kind would be structured. Then, he continues to give information that you obviously want us to know, yet seems to come out of left field. Perhaps if Gold-Heart had asked more about the circumstances, it would be believable. But it's simply not realistic in that particular clump.

On that note, the gigantic paragraph of "While you were out..." given by the Dunmer girl is another obvious attempt to give us information through dialogue. While it's better to have it through dialogue than a thick paragraph in the narration, this is still an obvious information dump. You, the author, were obviously talking through her, and that is something that should never be obvious.

Here's something that D.Foxy pointed out to me not long ago: every piece of dialogue should do two things: advance the story and tell us about the character. Your dialogue advances the story just fine... but there's simply no personality behind it. It's dramatic--and that's good--but it's also generic.

I'm not sure how to help you see this. You're trying--I can tell you are--but you still lack that little spark of characterization.

I'm going to once again suggest that you read a couple books... but this time, steer clear of anything epic (like fantasy or science fiction). Dig up a book of literary fiction... something based on characters and not plot. Pay attention to how dialogue works; how it sounds different coming from different people. Everyone has a different voice: different wants, different education, different likes and dislikes, even different slang.

What's more, pay attention to what real people sound like, rather than what characters in an epic fantasy novel sound like. Real people aren't going to clutch one another close and declare their undying love and devotion, much less over and over again as Desmond and Gold-Heart did. Real people aren't going to tell an abridged history of the Provinces without either being interrupted, showing some emotion, or giving some sort of opinion.

The key thing to keep in mind is subtlety. Dialogue is an excellent tool for revealing characters and settings, but only when used with a light touch. If you handle it too heavily, you could accidentally strangle it.

Again, this is something that will take practice. Keep reading and writing (both are equally important!), and you'll naturally get a sense for these things.

Urk. I think I was a bit heavy-handed there, myself. :facepalm:

Chapter VII: The Battle...

Desmond and Raven arrived at the temple district. Raven said while getting out of the boat, "Thanks, Gondolier."

Desmond nodded in thanks. Raven said to him as they walked towards Vivec's Palace, "Listen, be polite, if you are rude, we will both be executed."

Desmond sipped a little mazte and told her, "Sure, whatever you shay, now letsh go."

Raven grabbed the bottle and muttered under her breath. She barked, "Stop drinking, I understand your slave is dead, but that doesn't matter, we have more important things to do right now!"

He stopped in his tracks, drew his sword, and put it to her throat and hissed, "Do not speak about her like that again, or this blade will make you as dead as her!"

An ordinator came running over and explained to Desmond, "Alright, we do things a special way around here, Outlander. Attacking somebody is a crime, now come with me or give me forty drakes to pay off the offense."

Desmond thought irritatedly, "Joy, this S'wit is making me pay forty of my hard-earned septims..."

He pulled out forty septims and handed them over, he then added, "Now get lost, N'wah!"

The Ordinator let out a deep sigh and then told Desmond, "Wrong, Outlander, I will arrest you if I see you in the Temple District again, now get out, before I have you arrested for assaulting me."

He spit in the ordinator's face and barked, "Wow, all high and mighty, for a rat..."

The Ordinator shouted in rage as he pulled out his ebony mace, "Thats it, now you're getting it."

Raven stared awe-struck, at Desmond's bravery.

Desmond felt the wind of the ebony mace slide right past him, and he took advantage of the failed attack and slashed at the ordinator.

The Ordinator muttered under his breath and some flame burned Desmond, he yelped, "Oww, now you die!"

Desmond summersalted away from the ordinator. As the ordinator charged, He stuck out his blade sideways. The ordinator charged right into the blade. Raven watched as the ordinator charged in, only to lose his feet to his blade. The ordinator was dying, when Raven walked up and muttered a healing spell, he may have been cripple, but he could still live.

The ordinator tried to shout for help, "Hel-", but Desmond beheaded the ordinator.

She looked at him and said, "You, S'wit, the ordinators are either going to kill us or arrest us!"

Desmond looked around and seen six ordinators running to him, and he thought, "By the nine, this is going to hurt a lot or we're going to be spending a lot of time in prison."

Do I smell an epic battle post??? or is that just my gym clothes..... :gun:

Wait and see...

That Gold-Heart is really pms'ing up there. So how is Desmond going to find this book if he hasn't been to the library before? Have we established that Desmond can read? Did he have the bedroll under his arm when he teleported?

A warrior and a mage of this caliber who can teleport right into Ocato's presence without trouble wouldn't do their own research. There are a hundred scribes and scholars to do it for them. They'll be in an out in ten minutes. If Ocato had heard of the sentinels before, the research would have been done by the time G and D got there.

Not that this idea of the sentinels can't go anywhere, but their origin is a clusterfail of name dropping. They served Azura with names of Amalexia guardsmen, but they were corrupted by Dagon and taught stuff by Mephala. Why go through all that?

The conversation after that is unnatural. What's he whispering for? Who is she telling "We will do this"? Because it seems like Desmond is the only one there, and it was he who just earlier was telling her that they should do this. Whatever this is.

After teleporting to Anvil, you should just have them go without conversation. It's too close to saturday morning cartoon conversation, or star trek.

Spend some time getting us the audience to like the two main characters. They've mostly been manic or depressive so far, and we don't really know them well.

Gold-Heart is dead... Its Desmond and Raven now...

And remember only Ocato's most trusted advisors, guards, and family are allowed in the city currently (Gold-Heart/Desmond being exceptions.)

I've only read sections one and two.

From a quick glance, you're using the characters names too much. It seems like every other sentence starts with "Desmond." Cut down on that, because it gets irritating after a while.

There is only one word I can say to that...

AAAAAAARGHBLECH

That fight scene...God I don't even want to THINK about it...

What? Did you think that you can chop off the feet - BOTH feet - even unarmoured naked flesh feet - of an ordinary human just by his momentum alone? Or even if you added your swing to his momemtum, and swung?

Look - just to get some perspective on this - get a piece of pork leg, go into the kitchen, put it on a chopping block, and try to use a heavy cleaver to chop it off in ONE stroke.

Even in that perfect position, I seriously doubt you can. And that was a perfect position, a downward stroke, the pork leg braced by the table and the block so that it couldn't move and one hundred percent of the energy transferred.

In a horizontal stroke, even with both hands, swinging, and his momentum running into the sword, you would be lucky to get seventy per cent energy transfer. And human legs are a lot thicker than pork legs.

And as for chopping off the ordinator's head in a horizontal stroke...with your character already out of balance as he's half drunk...

:facepalm:

And I don't want to talk about your other writing defects, too, because I think I've said enough for one post.

You have a good point but you've got to understand that Zalphon is still quite new to writing; things like that will come in time. For the moment, let's focus on the basics like dialogue, spelling and description.

With that said, you should still check out D.Foxy's guide, Zalphon- it'll help the combat a lot and make your story much better. Alongside that, the guide will likely prove interesting and you'll learn many new things to do with combat in general.

Its OK. Just remember the advice others have given

Chapter IIX: The Trial

The Leader of the Ordinators shouted, "Stand down, Outlander, or pay the ten-thousand gold fine for murdering an ordinator!"

Raven cowered, and gently whispered to Desmond, "Think of something...fast, these guys will chop us up, and make it so that anyone who even says our name will be beheaded."

Desmond said with great reluctance, "I will go, but don't hurt my friend."

One of the ordinators grabbed Raven and put a blade to her throat and hissed, "Follow us, or this S'wit is going to die!"

Raven felt the burning, hot, warmth of a tear rolling down her face as she cried out, "Please, Desmond!"

Desmond stared at her and and tried to say, "Alright.", but instead he passed out.

After the sun started to set, Desmond awoke and seen Raven. Raven looked at Desmond and finally asked after a few minutes, "Awake?"

Desmond nodded and told her, "Yes, Raven."

She had her hands behind her back and she showed her hands to Desmond, she was in slave bracers. She nervously said, "They put me in these, so I couldn't escape. Tomorrow we stand trial, in front of Tholer Saryoni, Endryn Llethan, Feldrelo Sadri, Tharer Rotholoth, Tuls Valen, and Uvoo Llaren."

He asked curiously, "Who in Akatosh's name are they?"

She put her palm on her face and said, "The leaders of the Tribunal Temple, our church."

He told her, "Let us sleep."

She nodded and slept in the hard, cold, rock called "The Ministry of Truth", as did Desmond."

Desmond and Raven awoke to Ordinators grabbing them. Raven still had her robes on and Desmond still had his armor on. Raven's robe was ripped off and she was thrown clothes made for a pauper. Desmond's armor was taken from him and he was given clothes made for a pauper as well. Finally the chief ordinator barked, "Follow us, your trial will take place below."

Desmond and Raven followed to a door, exitting the Ministry of Truth, and felt a sudden exhaustion, followed by them blacking out. When they awoke, several minutes later, they were in front of the Tribunalites. Tholer asked, "Did you commit the crimes you are accused of, Outlander?"

Desmond replied, "Yes... But it was not my fault."

The ordinators silenced him and Tholer questioned Raven, "Did you commit the crimes you are accused of, Raven, Apprentice of the Mages' Guild?"

Raven responded, "No, Archcanon."

Tholer said to the others, "Let us commune, away from their ears." Tholer and the other tribunalites exitted the room for what felt like several minutes."

The spectators whispered amongst themselves.

Finally, they came out and Tholer said harshly, "Your punishment...is death..."

Desmond and Raven tried to stand up, but were restrained by ordinators.

Tholer continued, "You will be beaten to death, on the morrow."

One of the spectators shouted, "M'aiq thinks this is cruel and unusual punishment!"

The ordinators grabbed the khajiit and dragged him outside. Raven looked at Desmond with pleading eyes and said glumly, "Goodbye, Desmond."

Desmond thought, "I pray to the Nine they save both Raven and myself..."

You did good with the updates, but made a few mistakes. When you say "Desmond seen four ordinators charging", it should be "Desmond saw four ordinators charging". Some of the fight scenes are unrealistic, but that's okay with me. And one more thing, when you refer to Dark Elves as Dunmer, always capitalize the 'D', because it is a specific thing, poper noun, whatever.

I just realized this takes place 5 years after the Ice King... wow im such a dumb ass

Chapter IX: A Quest

What felt like hours had only been minutes, they were both in different cells in the ministry of truth. Desmond thought sadly, "I have damned, both myself and Raven!"

An ordinator walked in, with her helmet off and she said calmly after she closed the door, "Listen, Desmond, Raven is a close friend of mine, and I will get you both out, but only this time, if it happens again, then well..."

Desmond stood listening, deathly still.

The ordinator continued and as she paced, "Well Desmond, here is my plan, Tholer Saryoni made me head of the watch a while back, and I can assign guards to places, they will never find you."

Desmond nodded and asked, "What about the fall?"

The ordinator pulled out two potions and explained, "One for you, one for Raven, and I am going to warn you both, if I see you in Vivec again, your head will be on Saryoni's office, nothing I can do about it, as will mine."

He responded, "But we must speak to this Vivec person."

She shook her head and said, "Bad news then, Vivec isn't seeing anyone."

Desmond burst out, "Hell hes not! I will speak to that bastard!"

She pulled out her ebony longsword and barked, "I should rip your tongue out right now, take it back before my blade guts you!"

He nervously replied, "Fine, I take it back..."

The ordinator left and the suns began to set. Suddenly she came bursting in and barked, "Run! They know I am helping you! Saryoni is going to have us fed to kwarma!"

Desmond saw Raven running, and he threw her the vial. She caught it, and yelled, "Thanks, Sera!"

Desmond watched as Raven's friend fell to the maces of the ordinators. He ran and finally drank the vile-tasting liquid and made it to Vivec's palace. Raven grinned and said, "Look what I got, Sera." as she pulled out a large key. They fled to the door, trying to avoid being seen by the ordinators and entered, Vivec's Palace...

Vivec was meditating when they entered, and Desmond asked, "Vivec, why are you abandoning the empire?"

Vivec responded, as he stood up, "They are of no use to my people, Young One."

Raven asked politely, "Sera, could you please, do this for our people?"

Vivec nodded his head and then reluctantly said, "The Nerevarine walked in my palace, many years ago, he held Trueflame, his blade, against Almaexia. Recover Trueflame, and give it to me, and we will rejoin, 'Your Empire'."

Desmond replied, "Will you have the bounty removed?"

Vivec nodded...

Desmond asked, "Where can we find this sword?"

Vivec responded hastily, "Tel Fyr, southwest of Sadrith Mora. I warn you, Divayth Fyr wields it, and a very powerful wizard he is, and he is armed in a full suit of daedric armor..."

Raven told Desmond, "I trained with Lord Fyr, for a while, a great wizard he is, but we must get going, and we must claim Trueflame."

Vivec muttered under his breath, and Raven and Desmond found themselves in Sadrith Mora...

I feel like it flows a lot better, but I feel like Vivic would have been pissed that someone barged into his palace. Especially after the Ordie said he was not accepting visitors. Plus I remember when you went there in Morrowind he was less then forthcoming at first.

He is very old and forgiving

Chapter X: Meeting Fyr

Raven looked around and seen a gondolier. Her and Desmond walked over and said quickly, "We need to get to Tel Fyr."

The Gondolier hissed back rudely, "Not Telvanni? Not my problem, Fetcher!"

Desmond sighed and told Raven, "We're going for a swim..."

Raven looked in the water and told Desmond, "Alright..."

The two luckily managed to swim to Tel Fyr, without any interuptions. When they opened the door to Tel Fyr they seen Alfe Fyr bark, "Get out, Father does not want to see paupers."

Desmond looked at his clothes, remembering it was common wear and he said politely to the girl, "Oh, but we are in disguise you see, we are really great mages, here to present 'Father' with a gift!"

Alfe raised a brow suspiciously and growled, "Levitate then!"

Raven muttered under her breath and the two were levitating. Alfe nodded and said, "Go up to the Hall of Fyr, once there, levitate up to Father!"

Raven nodded and said politely, "Thank you, Miss Fyr."

Desmond and Raven made it to Divayth Fyr's quarters, following Alfe's instructions to the letter. The dark elf in daedric armor turned around, his left eye had a scar, his white hair hung down to his shoulders, and he asked quickly, "Yes?"

She nodded and told Fyr politely, "Trueflame, the blade you carry, we need it."

Fyr asked reluctantly, "Why do you need the blade of Indoril Nerevar?"

Desmond responded hastily, "Vivec requests it..."

Fyr had a stern look on his face as he explained, "Trueflame will be yours, should you prove your worth..."

He replied, "What must we do, Muthsera?"

Divayth paced for a second and said, "Yagrnum Bargnum, my former companion lies dead in the corprusarium, bring his corpse to me, and my blade shall be yours..."

Desmond thought, "Joy, carrying a dwemer should be a neat experience"