10 years after the Oblivion Crisis...

Chapter I: The Beginning

Gold-Heart stared at Desmond, the dunmer knight. Desmond looked at her for a moment and asked, "Gold-Heart, today we must do something...crazy... We fought against the Ice King, and will fight against the sentinels."

Gold-Heart touched him and gently said, "When we said our vows, we swore to stay together, through good or bad."

Gold-Heart chose her words, carefully as she told Desmond, "We can not do this."

Desmond had a glum look on his face as he said to her rudely, "We will do this!"

Gold-Heart bared her fangs and stomped upstairs in their manor, a gift of Chancellor Ocato for fighting the Ice King (Special thanks to Pandaman for the great RP).

Desmond thought for a second, Hmmm, I can persuade her. Desmond walked up the stairs and seen Gold-Heart tear-ridden, which was extremely rare to see for an argonian. Desmond grabbed her tightly in a bear-hug and whispered, "If we don't do this, the empire will fall."

Gold-Heart thought for a second, He is my mate, but I am not a slave...anymore... She then stood up and said, "What about the others?"

Desmond reluctantly said, "The Sentinels, they killed them, the ones we killed the Ice King with, they lie dead, engraved on the chest of each of them is a sword with a dragon above it, and below the sword it has runes of an unknwon language, most likely the language of the sentinels." He then added, "I know this, because I found their corpses and buried them myself, before we decided to stay together."

Gold-Heart stood up and her eyes were focused on Desmond, she hissed a spell and watched a small flare emit from her fingers and burn Desmond. Desmond yelped in agony, and then Gold-Heart said to him, "If you ever hide something, like this from me again, you will never breathe again, frost will encase your throat, while poison goes through your blood, and while flame and lightning burn the flesh off you. Am I understood?"

Desmond nodded, once again he had forgotten how violent and graphic, Gold-Heart could get...

Gold-Heart and Desmond dissapeared with a flash of light and appeared in the Imperial City, the last, safe, place in all of Tamriel, only Chancellor Ocato's most trusted advisors, guards, and family members were allowed, Gold-Heart and Desmond were the exception. Ocato looked at them and asked them both, "Lord Desmond, Lady Gold-Heart, you know of the situation, yes?"

Gold-Heart hissed, "Yes, Ocato."

An imperial legion Knight-Protector grabbed Gold-Heart. Ocato barked, "Release her, before I have you executed." The Knight-Protector let go and didn't let his eyes leave her. Desmond let out a deep, long, sigh as he said, "Emperor, like long ago, when we fought the Ice King, we require something, access to the imperial library."

Ocato raised a brow and nodded in approval. Gold-Heart and Desmond were on their way to the library...

Pretty good, but it could use a little background.

Thats the beauty of the story, Panda, you are thrown into it, the background will come as the story progresses. Do all books always tell you what their about from the start? Nope, and neither does this one.

I like the cliff-hanger opening, and now I want to know what they find in the Libary

Thanks guys, people are actually liking this one...

1st time for everything I guess the library will yield a surprise or two, I promise.

I dont like Jacob being dead :sadvaultboy:

The story really is good though :thumbsup:

Maybe Desmond is a liar, maybe he is telling the truth... Maybe Jacob could be a lich currently or a wraith, in due time we will find out.

Desmond, really?
Wheres Calvert?

I'm joking, I am, its was good.

:poke:

Did you get Ian's permission to use his character?

Yes, he was all onboard for it. I may need your permission later in the story, for I don't want to step on anyone's toes and make people mad (not my style to hurt people's feelings, whether how minute the reason may be).

Chapter II: The Discovery!

When they walked in the door of the Imperial Library, Gold-Heart stood in awe, her jaw dropped as she seen all the books. She then snapped out of it and said to Desmond rudely, "Get me a book called, 'The Time Before Tamriel'". Desmond obeyed and got her the book.

Hours passed as she read through books, she finally fell asleep. Desmond looked at his sleeping wife and took off his cloak and covered her up. He thought for a moment, I love her, but I fear this battle may be our last together... He got out his bedroll and went to sleep, having nightmares... He dreamt of watching a humanoid, a very tall one, clad in daedric armor skinning Gold-Heart alive, she just stared at him, when he tried to help her he noticed he was chained to the floor. He tried to call for help, but his lips were sewn shut. He then heard a deep, raspy, voice say to him, "Tonight you die, Desmond Kinslayer."

He awoke shortly after the wicked, cruel, figure finished saying Kinslayer, he awoke drenched in sweat. Gold-Heart was still asleep. He then couldn't help, but remember how he watched his family get slaughtered by Ordinators, as they were dissident priests. He shooed the thought away and went outside after he put on a shirt and some boots. It was still night, a dark one, but a clear one as well. He went back inside, kissed Gold-Heart, and went back to sleep.

When he awoke, Gold-Heart was hitting the books once again. For what seemed like an hour passed, and Gold-Heart said loudly, "I have discovered something, about the sentinels. Back before Boethia ate Trinimac, back before, even man walked Nirn, they did. They served Azura, as they were her most loyal servants, commonly called "Her Hands". For thousands of years, they walked Nirn, protecting it from threats, until Tiber Septim came, and conquered Tamriel, they butchered the sentinels. Unlike normal daedra which are reborn within a matter of days, these are reborn after a very, very, very long time, They are back and seek revenge, corrupted by the darkness of Mehrunes Dagon, and taught by Mephala, they have learned the ways of the shadows and strike in them, killing anyone in their way."

Desmond looked at her in awe as he told her, "Know their weakness?"

Gold-Heart responded, "They are immortals, they have no weakness, the only chance we have of stopping them is to kill them all again, and do as the Champion did to Umaril the Unfeathered, destroy their souls."

Desmond looked at her and whispered, "Perhaps they don't have to be completely killed."

Gold-Heart bared her fangs oncemore and hissed, "As little as I care about the inhabitants of this place, I care about you and I, we live here, we will do this."

Desmond nodded and once again, they were both teleported to their manor. Inside, he suited up in his Ebony Armor, and said, "Today we fight, tomorrow we come back, as heroes once again."

Gold-Heart took off her dress and put on her enchanted robes and hood and hissed, "Yes, you are right."

Gold-Heart teleported them to Anvil, Cyrodiil. The place was in ruin, wherever they walked, they stepped over scorched, frozen, or mutilated corpses. Gold-Heart looked around and seen no one, but she heard a noise. She looked behind her and seen a tall, figure, in daedric armor, except it was a dark, black, color and on the front as a crest, was a moon and a sun, on it's cloak was also a moon and a sun. The figure said, in a raspy, deep, voice, "Your life is forfeit, you belong to the Sentinels now."

Desmond turned his head and his eyes were never redder as he said, "You will not touch her, because I will rip your eyes out and feed them to you, if you don't leave."

The Sentinel stated, "Prepare to die..."

In my opinion thanks/thanks for reading stuff goes at the before or after the story but thats just my opinion do as you please.

Not bad, Zalphon. I'm glad to see that you're continuing to write.

I definitely see some major improvement in the way that you're using dialogue in your piece. The way your characters all speak to one another is far more natural than in some of your earlier works. However, I can't help but feel that some of the threats you put in there are a little over the top. For example:



This piece of dialogue feels unnatural. When you're writing lines for your characters, you have to ask yourself: 'Can I see my characters actually saying this?' That is, if you visualize them speaking, can you see your character saying that line? Personally, I just find it too unwieldy, and shortening some of these lines may make them more effective. For example, you could shorten it to something like:



This brings me to my second point: commas. Commas should be used to seperate different ideas in the same sentence, or to indicate a pause when a character is speaking. I noticed that you used some extra commas in places where you didn't need them. I suppose that the best advice I could give is to read over the work of a writer like BSparrow or D.Foxy, and note how they use commas in their text, to get a better intuition of where to use them.

My third point: detail. This is one of the most important aspects of writing; the ability to engage the senses of your reader. Right now, you're telling your audience a good deal about what happened, but you need to include more detail. Maybe the Imperial Library had a musky odour hanging in the air, wafting from the ancient volumes? What about the books themselves? What did they look like? When Desmond awoke from his nightmare, was he gasping for breath? These are the things that really pull in your reader, and make them feel like they're really there.

Finally: background. I know it's been mentioned earlier, but I'll mention it again anyway. You need to include more detail in your early chapters, especially when your protagonists have such a clear idea of what's going on. For example, who or what was the Ice King? Who are these other comrades they spoke of in the first chapter? Even if you briefly touch on these things, the reader should get some sort of glimpse at the way your character thinks about these things. Include their emotions in your writing, and describe what they're feeling.

Anyway, that's my rant; hope some of this has been useful. Keep it up.

Gold-Heart is an argonian wizardess, ex-telvanni, so I can picture her saying that. And half the fun is finding out a little background with each passing chapter.

Hmm. I pretty much agree with everything said by DarkNova. Particularly on the bit with background. It's all well and good that you plan on providing additional details as the story moves along, but any reader will tell you that if they don't understand at least the basics of the plot, they won't continue to read. To take something said earlier, elsewhere, if you pick up a book and don't like the beginning, are you going to continue to read? I don't think so. It needs more detail put into it, more backstory.

Your dialogue is rather troublesome, as are your characters. On the one hand, I have no idea who these characters are, or what their history is, so it's hard to determine if they're acting appropriate, but it really just doesn't seem natural, they way they act. Your dialogue, in the same way, is unnatural and stiff at some parts. Every time one of your characters speak a threat or a long line, there's a serious break of flow. It just... It doesn't sound right. Try speaking the lines out loud, and you'll see what I mean. No one is going to talk like that, you know?

All that said, this is a massive improvement over the last thing I remember out of you, so good for you for improving! I don't really have that much else to add here that hasn't already been said.

Chapter III: The Great Loss

The Sentinel stood there, and he calmly said, "You're move, Dunmer fool..."

Desmond sniffed the death and decay in the air and lit up in a rage as he charged at the sentinel. Gold-Heart shrieked, "No!"

She was too late the Sentinel had stabbed Desmond. He lie bleeding on the ground, he was bleeding rapidly, and looked almost light-gray. Gold-Heart felt a burst of flame hit her in the face and she fell unconsious. The Sentinel cast a healing spell on Desmond but hit him with the butt of his sword to knock him out.

They awoke in cages, one right next to each other. Gold-Heart had shackles binding her fists and feet behind her back. As did Desmond. Gold-Heart sighed and looked at Desmond. Desmond thought for a while, about the Ice King, If I remember correctly he was a wizard, and a powerful one of altmer origin. I hope the others are finding peace in death.

Gold-Heart's cage was opened and a collar placed around her neck preventing her from casting magic. She was then dragged out by a sentinel. Desmond screamed, "Take me instead, N'wah!"

The Sentinel looked back and said coldly, "For that insult, your slave will suffer greatly." The Sentinel hissed a spell, shocking Gold-Heart. She yelped in anguish and looked at Desmond. Gold-Heart's ankle-shackles were taken off, but she was dragged by her feet to a wooden door, and pulled inside. Desmond only got a glimpse, but he seen a stone table.

Desmond heard her screams, and was nervous. The Sentinels were killing her, or worse... Gold-Heart was taken out and put in her cage again. Desmond felt his energy fade away as he fell into a deep sleep. He awoke in deep agony, and seen Gold-Heart pulled out of her cage. The Sentinels started to skin her, but she just stared at him. He tried to scream, but nothing happened, his lips were sewn shut. The Sentinel said mercilessly, "She is dead..."

Desmond was teleported out of the room, and back to the White-Gold Tower with Ocato who quickly asked, "What happened?"

Desmond grabbed his sword and tried to slash it at Ocato, but a Knight-Errant took the blow. Desmond barked, "You killed her, you let her die, I will kill you, you sick altmer!" Desmond had tears running down his face as he said those words.

Ocato sighed and said, "She was a good wizard."

Desmond sat down and remembered his friends he fought the ice king with. Each of them... With a grim look on his face, he exitted the Imperial City and shouted, "Kill me you horrid animals, kill me!"

His calls had no response...

Until what felt like hours, a young dunmer came out and meekly said, "Greetings, I am Raven, Apprentice of the Mages' Guild, or what was the Mages' Guild..."

Raven was a dunmer female, barely twenty-seven years of age. Desmond looked at her and said, "Lets leave this place..."

Raven cast a spell and they were both in Balmora, Vvardenfell. Raven was grinned and said cheerfully, "Here, we can help resolve the issues here, far less of those sentinels, more of the diplomatic issues actually."

Desmond said to the girl, "Thanks, where is the closest Tavern."

Raven responded, "Follow me."

Soon enough they reached a sign outside a place called, "Southwall Corner Club", he entered and started drinking his tears away. Things were taking a turn for the worst.

http://www.gamesas.com/bgsforums/index.php?showtopic=1028190&st=0&start=0

http://www.gamesas.com/bgsforums/index.php?showtopic=1032190

There is background... and dialogue for Desmond and Gold-Heart...

The part where the Sentinel says "..die Imperial." then stabs and heals Desmond seems a bit awkward. You might want to give that part a second thought. Ordinators don't appear to be the kind of warriors with hallow threats. But, then again, maybe they are in your story.

I have one point of criticism; the characters seemed cold. The reader should feel something when you write your main-character's (I'll asume Desmond is the main-character) wife is tortured and killed. Summerising it in one paragraph seems a bit rushed.

All in all I thought it was much much better than your previous attempts. Keep it up :goodjob:

I agree with whay pretty much everyone said: the dialogue feels stiff and unrealistic, and to me, there seems to be little detail.

Yes the backstory will come around, but if you don't give your readers a bit more earlier they won't bother to read on; so there is no use saying, "the story will come around later." By then, people will be bored.

Also, you're still saying 'seen' instead of 'saw'. Sort that out; people heave already mentioned it countless times ever since you started writing fan-fics and it appears you aren't listening.

Yes! Great story Zalphon, i was hoping you would write this soon.
Yes everyone I'm totally fine with Zalphon using my character, I'm pretty glad actually. Well, I would like to see more

They're not ordinators, they're sentinels... Ordinators work for the temple, sentinels work for the daedra... And I don't mean to say "Seen", it is a very hard habit to kill...

Chapter IV: The Dreams of a Drunk, a Widower, or a Lunatic?

Desmond had been drinking all day, Raven looked at him and said, "Come with me, you've had enough to drink for today."

Desmond turned around and obediently told her, "Alright, letsh go..."

He followed her to her small house. Raven kindly asked, "Would you like the bed?"

Desmond was already stripped to his loincloth and he slipped into the bed. Raven thought for a moment, "Wow, a real, heavy, drinker, never seen anyone drink so much mazte."

Desmond dreamt again, watching Gold-Heart chained to the floor, her eyes were blood red, and she had fangs protruding from her upper jaw. She hissed at Desmond, "Why, why'd you let them do that to me."

A sentinel walked in and said coldly, "Nighty night, Gold-Heart."

A bright, flash, of blinding light came down, and Gold-Heart was on fire, she was crying or laughing hysterically, "Why? Did you let them do this to me?!"

He awoke, breathing hard and sweaty, he sighed and thought, "I am sorry, it is all my fault, I should've never let this happen..."

Raven was asleep on the floor. He sighed and rolled back over going to sleep, knowing tomorrow would be a long day...

So far so good. I look forward to the next update.

The first thing I notice from the first few lines is that you call them by name too often. For a good part of the story when it's just the two of them, it gets repetitious to say their names every line or every other line.

I know you're going to mention the Ice King later, but it doesn't quite feel natural to include someone you aren't going to talk about immediately at such an early time in the story. These two having a strong relationship, perhaps he should bring up a practical reason why they should fight the Sentinels in that situation.

The dialogue after "What about the others?" seems emotionally dry. He's gotta tell her about their dead friends, so less specifics and more feelings. The details on it can come later.

There's a few too many commas where you might have put periods to break up the sentences. You called Ocato both Chancellor and Emperor, his empty threat was a bit much, and teleporting right to him deprives you of a prime description of these honored guests entering the throne room of the mighty emperor.

I think the thing you need is to draw out the opening. Since Desmond hadn't told Gold-Heart about the murders, have him recieve some information abou the Sentinels that causes him to tell his wife about them. Perhaps a scene of a rider coming upon the splendor of their manor to find Desmond in the courtyard who then goes inside to tell Gold-Heart. With a little more time on the issue you can ease us into that tension and draw us in to the lives of the characters.

Perhaps a reflection on the scope of the empire would help the reader as well. Have them make preparations with their house servants before they teleport. The line from Ocato about "Do you know the situation" should be changed to more of a "Why have you come?". As emperor he likely has too much on his plate to consider these sentinels "the situation".

I like the mystery of where this is going, but you're hitting the big names and going through their steps so fast that it belies the seriousness of the situation. I'll read the next part tomorrow.

Anvil is in ruin, I am sure he considers "The Sentinels" the situation...

And next chapter, all your questions will be answered (all being most). What is happening, why it is happening, and the current state of the provinces.