Prologue

In the year of 2251, the San Francisco Federation has flourished. 16 years and the SFF has become a Small but well know
nation. The SFF is a confederation of towns under the leadership of the Shi. After the fall of the Enclave, the Shi from San Francisco emerged. With there knowlege, and power, they started to purge the raiders and mutants. Slowly, they got support of the towns that eked out there existence in the hostile area. By 2247, there federation stretched out to Santa Cruz and the San Jose Ruins. They built towns, had a military, and goverment. By 2247, the NCR has taken a eyeing for the SFF. Hearing about there Federation, they sent there diplomats to negotiate with them, to try to annex them peacefully, offering them seats on there Goverment and protection in return to fall under the NCR. Despite though, the SFF denied the request. Even more so, they refused to share there technologies with them. This caused a bit of friction, as NCR wanted there knowlege. From 2247-2257, the SFF and NCR had healthy trading relations going on between there two Nations. Though NCR wanted there territory and knowlege, and soon devised one of the most despicable and outrageous events in NCR history. One that would reign of President Tandi's cabinet. Many say it was a justified while others say it was a conspiracy, a Manifest Destiny.

Tell me what you guys think, I am working on Chapter 1.

Sounds good so far. Can't wait to see more.

OOC: The text format will be original now as courier new is kinda hard to read. This was kinda long but I hope you enjoy. New chapter will be up tomorrow. Along with that, I will be releasing info about the SFF and there military and NCR.

Chapter 1: Assault

June 17, 2257, 12:00 pm

It was a hot afternoon in Camp Loma Mar as 3rd Battalion were suiting up for mission to assault a nearby Red Streakers raider base. The soldiers were suiting up in there various armors and weapons. Most where in (RLA)Reinforced Leather Armor while others where in (CAMK2)Combat Armor MK2 or even restored T-51B which was only available to the shock troopers. The ones wearing RLA were awed, as they saw restored PA, glistening. Soon, the Intercom ding and a voice came out.

"This is Liutenant Colonel Yeoh. All Officers and Non Commisioned Officers report to the Briefing Room immediatley. It soon looped one more time saying the same message.

Soon though the squad leaders walked out of there barracks, walking in there CAMK2 and the Shock Troopers leaders walking in there T-51B. They passed by the Mess Hall, where the 3rd Battalion troopers were eating. They then passed the Medical Hall, where 5 troopers of 3rd Battalion E Company where getting medical attention, after there attack on a Red Streakers outpost went disastrous as most of there company was wiped out by there ambush attack. There, they escaped and made it back to base. Then Captain Nguyen spoke out.

"It's shocking isnt it that E Company was almost wiped out.

"Yes it is. I am amazed they managed to survive as many of them were injured and almost to there last breath's said Captain Jiang.

Then they saw Doctor Nguyen operating on a man who has a spike impaled through his leg.

"Alright Private Williams, this is going to hurt. I have to take this out.

The Nurse gave him a injection of MED-X into his leg. Soon, the Doctor was removing the spike in his leg, as the nurses held him down.

"AAghhhhhhhhhh as Private Williams writhed in pain but it was soon over.

Then Doctor Nguyen puts the spike on the table and goes to Private Williams.

"Your fine Private Williams. Just some stitching, few antibiotics and 2 weeks of rest and you will be fine.

Private Williams spoke out as he was collecting himself.

"How are the others, are they fine?

"Yes they are said Doctor Nguyen"

"Thank you, as Williams close his eyes, to sleep.

Captain Jiang and Yang keep walking, as they see most of the officers entering into the Briefing Room. They take a seat to the nearest chairs and see the 3rd Battalion Commander Yeoh waiting for them, a tall asian women with a ponytail.

"Alright then Officers, listen up. The Red Streakers raider base has been found in Pescadero Creek. Our scouts reports the base is heavily defended and is also on a hill. The Red Streakers have a citadel around there base, with mounted gun emplacement. Our mission is to destroy there base, to effectively netralize operations here. After that, We can simply pick them off, one by one. We will take a stealth approach to there base. Thats means I want all silencers on weapons. When we are near the outskirts of the base, our snipers we pick of the Streakers that are manning the emplacements. Then its all guns blazing. Any questions men?

"Soon Captain Bradbury of A Company spoke out.

"What about the Red Streakers outpost on I-84 said Captain Bradbury.

"The I-84 Red Streakers outpost will be assaulted by F company said Yeoh.

"What is the enviroment like around there base said Captian Jiang.

"Its deep within a forest, lots of trees and wildlife said Yeoh. Is that all?

The officers yelled out.

"Yes Commander"!

"Alright then men, you have 10 minutes to assemble in the Court............dismissed as Commander Yeoh went out in the back.

The Officers went into the mess hall, and entered in, directing there troopers. Captain Jiang spoke out.

"All right then. All members of A company fall in to the Court. I want all squad leaders accounted for all members.

The other Company Commanders did the same, as the troopers entered out, finishing there food and grabbing there gear.

12:10

The men of 3rd Battalion were all falled in at the court as the Battalion Commander(BC) walked out along with the Command Sergeant Major(CSM).

Liutenant Colonel Yeoh then stopped at the middle turning along with his CSM Mackovich.

"All right then. Company Commanders, are all men accounted for.

"Yes sir as the CO replied"

Jiang, Bradbury, Yang and the other CO were sweating inside from there uniforms. They tried not to move as they were in attention.

"All right men. We are going to assault a Red Streaker base in Pescadero Creek. It is as simple as that. When we are done, the Battalion get a nice warm meal and free time. Do I make my self clear!

The whole battalion replied, and 3rd Battalion walked out of Camp Loma Mar with there weapons out. They passed by the gunners who were manning the machine gun nest outside the Camp and waved good luck to them. 3rd Battalion walked out, who were ready to defeat the Streakers once and for all.

12:45

The men of 3rd Battalion were arriving towards there objective. The Streakers have seemingly set up there base in a old county park. As they got deeper, they saw mutilated bodies of E company hung on spikes as a warning sign for 3rd Battalion. They passed by there bodies, a stench of death soon followed them. As they got into deeper in to the woods, they knew they were getting closer to there base. They were soon out of the woods of dead trees and came across a canyon with the base on a large plateau, overloking a lake. LTC Yeoh observed the base.

"6 machine guns positions, 4 entrances, and a citadel around the base.

"Jiang , Yang, Bradbury, Colbert, form up on me". Barret, Gedon, Mann, Young, Krios, Lee you guys form up with us also.

The CO's formed up around LTC Yeoh and CSM Mackovich.

"Alright, from my observation of there base, there are 3 entrances. They have 2 heavy machine guns at each of the entrances. We will divide up. Captain Jiang have A Company attack the frontal entrance. Captain Yang have B Company attack the East Entrance. Captain Bradbury have C Company Attack the West Entrance. Captain Colbert, have D Company attack the South Entrance. Barret, Gedon, Mann, Calton................you three Snipers provide cover fire from directly above. Young, Krios, Lee, you three heavies are the shields of the Company. Go along with A Company to be the backbone of assault. All right men, you know what to do. I will be Accopanying A Company.

The Snipers of 3rd Battalion got ready from seperate positions and where on standby. The heavy troopers followed Captain Jiang as they moved up the first entrance. B, C, D, Company went there respective ways. Then, Captain Jiang takes out his Assault Rifle, to be specific a AK-112. The other Company do the same as LTC Yeoh and CSM Mackovich stand behind A Company.

"All right Snipers, one shot One Kill. Be fast as the Snipers talk through there helmets.

The Snipers screwed on there silencers to there DKS-501's. They take one shot eliminating the guards.

"All right men, this is Captain Yeoh. Are all guards eliminated as she talk through her helmet.

The other companies chime in.

"Yes BC they are all eliminated.

"Excellent, show these raiders no quarter.................................................eliminate them. No Survivors!

As soon as she spoke those words, they opened the Streakers gates, charging in to the unsuspecting raiders. They were caught off surprise and the Streakers outside the HQ were killed immediatley as they were caught off surprise. The soldiers and men moved up as there Snipers and heavy troopers backed them up. They were near the HQ and came under fire as the remining streakers were behind cover. Both sides were firing there weapons. Despite though one by one, the Streakers outer defense fell. They fell to the barrage of AK-112 being fire by the troopers in there RLA's while the heavy troopers fire there Miniguns straight at the enemy, ignoring bullets as they ricoheted off from them and the Snipers providing cover fire. It was evident as 3rd Battalion was going to win until a Streaker comes running out of the left flank of A Company. Captain Jiang turns to see a Streaker with a red mohawk charging with dynamite and shrapnel grenades towards them. Captain Jiang turns, and shoots him in the chest. The Streaker falls and a large explosion blows shrapnel and dust towards them as they hit various troopers and men. Captain Jiang screams in pain as shrapnel is embedded in his left eye. He screams and screams as the other injured troopers of A Company writhe in pain. Shrapnel, whether in there hands, arms, head, they screamed in pain.

"I need Medics here now!, as LTC Yeoh screams as she holds Captain Jiang on his head. Do not worry, the Medics are here to help you out. Your men will be fine, in a calm voice.

Captain Jiang feels a injection of MED-X and Stimpak into his right leg to calm the pain. He lessens, as he brething rate slows down. He sees the Medic pulling out the Shrapnel in his Left Eye with his hand.......................slowly...........and carefully and applies a eyepatch over his left eye.

"Alright Captain Jiang, stand up, your going to be fine.

"Thank you Private Johnson as he speaks out. I still feel something in my eye, I think you missed some Shrapnel.

"Yes I can see black dots within your eyes........................though they are to deep within your eyes. Your going to need to head to San Francisco for Cybernetic Augmentation for your Left Eye said Private Johnson.

"I am.....................................well at leat so I get to see home again.

Johnson helps Captain Jiang stand up and immediatley heads to the other men of A Company injured.

"Soldiers of 3rd Battalion, we did a good job. No losses in men and we have crippled them. They will be killed off easily in a week. You men did well. Captain Bradbury, burn this wretched place down.

"Yes M'am".

Soon the soldiers started taking out Molotov Cocktails and threw them at the buildings. The Buildings started to burn as the injured started the 15 mile trek back to Camp Loma Mar. The Snipers make one last scan of the perimeter. Seeing how they are some survivors of the Streakers, they shoot them in the head and march back to Camp Loma Mar.

Interesting story premise. I was always wondering about the Shi, where they came from, what they would be doing in the future etc.

I'm wondering though, why don't you ever "close" your dialogue?

Proper dialogue looks like this: You need quotation marks (" ") at the beginning and end of your dialogue, to show your readers where speech starts and ends.


"Alright then men, you have 10 minutes to assemble in the court yard. Dismissed." Commander Yeoh said, before he left through the back door.

Also, ellipses are never more than 3 dots ... not ........... The ellipses you are using are not even necessary, a simple period or comma will do.

Also, please note the following:


EVERY Single THERE should be THEIR. (Look up the difference between There and Their LOL)

I have neve been really good at starting and ending sentences. As for "there" and "their", I always get confused with them. LOL. Anyway thanks for the criticism. I already know my friend "The Enclave" is probably also going to criticize me but thanks.

San Francisco Federation
The San Francisco Federation is a nation composed of many towns under the SFF. After the events of Fallout 2, the Shi emerged from SF, and started to patrol the outer regions. There they found raiders and mutants roaming there surrounding areas. There the Emperor runned calcualtions and theorized that if these threats continue, the Shi will eventually succumb to them. Under the predictions, Ken Lee acted upon this decision and organized small militas to eliminate the threats. Wearing Combat Armor, PA and using miniguns and assault rifles, they started to purge them out. As they started there operartions, they managed to catch the eyes of neighboring towns and villages. What they did not know is that with the Shi Purge squads eliminating the threats, the small towns that eked there existence wished to be part of them. Relaying this info back to the Emperor, he ran another calculation. There, he conlcuded that with the Shi power, they can create a new nation. The Emperor dubbed it the San Francisco Federation. Ken Lee became the first leader of the Federation. For the next 5 years, they slowly purged the raiders and mutants out of the Bay Area, slowly gaining the support of towns. By 2246, they managed to eliminate half of the raiders in the Bay Area and would continue. The Emperor predicted that all raiders and mutants would be purged from the federation by 2260. They eventually came across the second largest city in there are. The San Jose Ruins. After that, life became more safer for the many towns. Though a interesting event unfolded on 2246 as the Enclave were defeated by a joint cooperation with NCR and the BOS. The Enclave then dispersed and intergrated themsleves to the many independent towns and hided there past. Another group went down south and intergrated with the SFF. There, the newly formed SFF accepted them into there society. Many of the Enlcave were skeptical and reluctant because they thought they were Communist but was rebuked as they were federation. Most of them intergrated into there military and there researchers went assigned to the SFF research labs. Despite though, the Enclave have devised a plan to slowly move up in the SFF. Take control of them and create a New America. Along with that, they had plans to do the same with NCR. The SFF did not know of this. Then NCR contacted them around 2247. They promised them protection, peace, and positions in there goverment. The Emperor anolyzed the info and proved the the SFF would be less prosperous under the NCR. Furhtermore, he refused sharing there technoliges as he predicted that they will use our technolgy and conquer us. Despite though, he allowed trade with the NCR though the refusal of NCR citizens into SFF territory. The NCR accepted but would be back later, this time with force and deception. One that the Emperor did not predict. Throughout 2247-2257, trade was relaying between the nations.

San Francisco Federation Goverment
The SFF is a goverment that allows the settlements(Federal Subjects) to retain autonomy, allowing them to do whatever they want, what they please. Each FS has there own economy, leaders, goverment, and own territory, though are under the rulership of the SFF, pays a monthly flat tax, and contribute to the Federation and are protected by the SFFM. Economies vary throughout the Federation and the way they see fit to there goverment. Each FS has there own militia as self defense. As for Republics, they have small armies. There are currently 7 Federal Subjects, 10 territories and 2 Federal Districts and 2 republics. The type of goverment the Shi set up allows flexibility and aoutonomy of the states. Despite though, there are many frictions, as some wish to secede. When the SFF encounter a new settlement or people, they give them choices. Become a federal subject, receiving aid, and military support while still retaining there autonomy. A territory is where you fully wish to become part of the Federation meaning you are ruled under by their rule. A federal district is where they are under direct control of the goverment. There are 2. San Francsisco and San Jose. A Republic allows even more autonomy and flexibilty. They also have there own armies to protect themselves. If hostility arise between 2 autonomous groups, the SFF holds a emrgency meeting to defuse the situation. If all else fails, then SFF military intervention or leave them up to it. The SFF itself has its own Congress and Leader.

San Francisco Federation Military
The SFFM is a large army, in regards to them. 10,000 soldiers in there ranks with equipment from SF and training from the Enclave. You get a well respected fighting force that is able to defend the federation and its subjects from threats. The SFFM use various equipments. Power Armor is reserved for the Shock Troopers and Elites. CAMK2 are reserved for Officers. RLA are for the troopers and NCO. They employ high tech weaponry from small arms to energy weapons, to super sledges. Soldiers are drawn in from the various federal subjects.

Its definitely got some promise in terms of the story itself, but like Agrona said, the major criticism I would have is the grammar and structure of the sentencing. A little bit of error is always okay, but too much starts to detract from the story and it can be hard to follow that way.

The story is interesting and I like your description of the Shi and the overall storyline of what you plan to depict, I would just suggest a good proofread or two before posting. It would help immensely.


Also I would suggest that your story switch to narrative past, as it is you are currently writing in the present tense.

Ex:

Notice how you use the present tense as in "Johnson helps him stand up."

In the narrative past, it should be: Johnson helped Captain Jiang to stand up, and then immediately went to the other men of A Company who were injured.


Or something similar. Think of it as though you are the narrator and are smoking a pipe next to a fire in a comfy chair while reading a book about a tale that happened years ago to your listeners. You would be reading it as if this happened in the past (which for the narrator, from a literary perspective, it did.)

Thanks Andro. I am going to instead start writing the new chapters on MS Word to proofread them. Plus this my first time writing a fanfic. Anyway, I was inspired by the Russian Federation. I searched them up, finding about how the other parts of Russia are independent. It intrgued me as they were autonomous but still answered to them. Also how Republics are within there federation. Another way was that I was a former JROTC Cadet and used my expiernce and know-to knowledge of U.S Military lingo to inspire the SFF Military as they were influenced by the Enclave.

Guys, I will have Chapter 2 up in the next day or so, so keep watching. Thanks for all the suggestions.

Chapter 2: Returning Home

1:10 PM

Camp Loma Mar

It has been 25 minutes ever since the Assault on the Red Streakers base in Pescadero Creek. Captain Jiang was in the Medical Hall, as Doctor Nguyen ran a check up on his left eye.

“[censored] Captain Jiang. Your Left Eye is going to need Cybernetic Surgery at this point said Doctor Nguyen”.

“Well how bad it is doc, as Captain Jiang was curious and nervous”.

“Well Antibiotics can’t save your left eye”.” Antibiotics can halt the spread of this Shrapnel Infection to reduce left eye severity and damage but it will be inevitable”.” I am going to give you these Antibiotics to you”. ”Take them every day until you reach SF”.

Captain Jiang sees 5 hypos in Doctor Nguyen left hand, lying on his palm. Jiang grabs it and puts it in his left pouch in the left leg of his CAMK2.

“Alright Doctor Nguyen, I will be here in about a week said Captain Jiang as he walked out to the Court”.

Jiang sees the soldiers of 3^rd Battalion resting and relaxing. Playing Cards, Pool, or just resting. Then the gates open, with the men F Company entering back in, with no signs of loss. The soldiers of F Company formed with Captain Ashton remarking, addressing them about the victory of finally eliminating the Streakers and avenging E Company.

“Men you did well today as Captain Ashton directs them at attention”. ”We finally defeated these chem-strung bastards and avenged E Company”. “Their loss will not be forgotten. “ We should also congratulate the efforts of 3^rd Battalion, to be specific A,B,C,and D Companies efforts”. “They charged in the Streakers base and killed all of them, including their leaders”. “Only 15 were injured”. “You are dismissed as he said it in a large tone”.

D Company dispersed while the Officers head to LTC Yeoh Office to give there reports. Captain Ashton walks with his Officers and NCO’s until Captain Jiang walks up to Captain Ashton.

“Hello Captain Ashton. I see D Company was also successful in their mission”? “How was the Battle at their I-84 outpost”?

Captain Ashton turns to see a Captain Jiang with a White eyepatch over his eye. He was curious and asked him about his Left Eye.

“What happened to your eye Captain Jiang”?

“My eye was hit by shrapnel when one of the Streakers charged towards my companies flank. “15 of my company were injured though are recovering from their injuries”.” I am heading to San Francisco”. “I am traveling to San Francisco to get my left eye to be replaced Cybernetically”.” Anyway I need to go”. “I am stopping at Highland Federal subject and will be staying at Outpost 119 then continue onwards to SF.” “I will be fine”. “I also see most of your men entering LTC’s office”. “You should get going, LTC does not like people late you know, as Captain Jiang hints with his right eye”.

Captain Jiang waves goodbye as he see Captain Ashton running into LTC’s office frantically. Captain Jiang walks off waving goodbye to his men of A company resting in the Court. The gate opens for Captain Jiang as they were expecting him to leave. The 2 gate machine gunners give a salute as he walks off to the distance.

*3 hours later*

4:00 PM

Captain Jiang has been walking for 3 hours. It started to rain and was crossing into the Federal Subject Highland. He presents his Military ID to the Highland Militia and passes through. He sees many caravans and travelers passing through”. He enters passing a few small villages and winds up in there capital Highland.

Highland is the 2^nd Federal Subject of the SFF. It’s a large state. The people that live here are mainly miners and farmers and are the main supplier of the SFF.
Jiang enters Highland seeing many farmers and miners. He decides not to travel a few miles to get to Outpost 119 as the rain starts pouring. He enters into the motel, going up to the receptionist.

“Hello their Sir. Are there any rooms left Jiang asked”?

“Yes we do Captain, as the receptionist identify his rank on his right chest”. “Where did you recently come from Captain”?

“Camp Loma Mar, as Jiang replied”.

“Oh, Camp Loma Mar as he remembered”. “You’re from 3^rd Battalion aren’t you”? “I heard you guys eliminated the Red Streakers without a loss”. “I commend you guys on your efforts”. “Anyway your room number is 36”. “There is a bar and restaurant on the 1^st floor. That will be 100 caps as he puts the key on the table”.

“Thank you as Captain Jiang gives a slight bow”.

Captain Jiang reaches into his wallet and gets 100 caps, taking the key and heading upstairs to his room.

Captain William Jiang is the representation of an Officer with pride of his people. Born on 2227 in San Francisco, he was the descendant of former Chinese Naval Officers and has long bloodline leading back to the Han Dynasty. On 2244, 18 years and enlisted into the SFFM. He was known as a good soldier and took part in many battles, earning the rank of Captain on 2250. He father was a fisherman and his mother a trader. Around 2077, his great-great-great grandfather were one of the originals on the Shi-Huang-Ti who escaped a few hours before the bombs dropped. His ancestors were part of the first Chinese Marines to land on the Alaska, and the Battle of the Bering Strait where Chinese and U.S Naval Ships clashed. His family was also involved in the development of the Hei-Gui Stealth Suits and fought on until the bitter end where the world was engulfed in nuclear fire. Jiang has always been proud of his family because of his heritage and proud to call the Federation a beacon of humanity and hope.