I bailed on my last Fan Fic,it was too much work,as i wasn't taking the backstory off my own character,but now,i can
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The Finals- Chapter one-The Incident

As I looked down into a bottle of Whiskey,Yes Mans replacement,as Yes man,only 2 days after the Victory at Hoover dam,had been fried by Mr.Houses Mainframe,Mr.House always had a replacement....It was his brother,Anthony House.He said from the TV screen "Thank you for your service,Ive been watching you this whole time." "What?" I said "Don't be inept Alan,you know exactly what i mean,you think it was a mere coincidence that you took down the Legate with just a modified fire axe? Or that you managed to solve Sloan's problems with the NCR? Or that you-" i cut him off there "Anthony,i get what your saying,But you came here for a reason? Didn't you?" "Yes,i did,i need you to check on Gommorah." he replied to me "Why should i go to that six infested den of drugs?" "I will tell you why,someone of great importance is there to meet with." He said "OH NO NO NO NO NO,your crazy if im doing that!" I shouted "You must be inept,because,i meant your suppose to meet with my operative,he has been watching the Omertas,i need you to collect the info he has gotten and bring it back to me,understand?" "Yes Sir,i do" i replied "Well don't just sit there,GET GOING!"

I've given my advice before, twice in fact, and most of it still stands...Let me show you how this should look:

As I looked down into a bottle of Whiskey: as Yes man, only two days after the Victory at Hoover dam, had been fried by Mr.Houses Mainframe, Mr.House always had a replacement...It was his brother, Anthony House. He said from the TV screen,"Thank you for your service, I've been watching you this whole time."

"What?" I said

"Don't be inept Alan,you know exactly what I mean, you think it was a mere coincidence that you took down the Legate with just a modified fire axe? Or that you managed to solve Sloan's problems with the NCR? Or that you-"

I cut him off there. "Anthony, I get what your saying, but you came here for a reason? Didn't you?"

"Yes, I did, I need you to check on Gommorah," he replied to me.

"Why should I go to that six infested, den of drugs?"

"I will tell you why, someone of great importance is there to meet with," he said

"OH NO NO NO NO NO, your crazy if you think I'm doing that!" I shouted

"You must be inept, because, I meant your suppose to meet with my operative, he has been watching the Omertas, I need you to collect the info he has gotten and bring it back to me, understand?"

"Yes Sir, I do," I replied

"Well don't just sit there, GET GOING!"

I had to add, take away, and space a lot of things, but it really makes it easier to read. Look back at my advice, I already have gave you to see what I mean.

The story itself is good, courier story but with a twist, which is always needed for courier stories. I didn't see the whole Anthony thing coming, but I would be surprised, wouldn't you? Don't you think your character would show more surprise? Anyway, it actually seems like a typical mission for House, the check on the Omertas one. But I await to see where you take this.

Good Luck.

Yttrium pretty much nailed the advice thing on the head. Spacing it out like that will make it a lot easier to read. Another thing I noticed is that you need to put spaces after commas. You have an interesting concept here, so keep it going.

Chapter two,The meeting

As i walked into Gommorah,The thug at the door asked for my guns,i glared at him,he quickly withdrew his demand,soon,i was in the brimstone,waiting for my oprative.

"Are you Alan O'Neil?" Someone behind me said

"Yes,I am,what does it concern you?" i replied

"I happen to know the information you are looking for." The man said,after he said that,i looked behind me,he had a Trench coat on,the collar up,sun glasses blocking his eyes,and a Suave Pre-War hat that i thought you possibly seduce any woman he looked at

"Good" I replied,"What is it?"

The man gave me a clipboard with 4 papers stuck to it,"My report is all there."

Soon after that,i left Gommorah,i never really liked the place. Shut Down Gommorah i thought in my mind.

Sorry If im dissapointing anyone again,but i am throwing the book at this one,because aparantly i can only have one fan fic,and i got another good idea,which combined with the tips Yttrium and all you other guys have given me,ill make this FINAL one good