plz note I say my chr so its basicly third person(I plan to change this next chapter)


my chr goes up in the mountains in rumor of powerful armor that never requires repair, after fighting through a couple of undead monsters (ghosts, zombies, lich's, etc.), then there appears to be a huge metal object in the underground lake, there is smoke coming from the object as if it had been heavily damaged, my chr walks up to a big hole in the side of the object, my chr climbs through it and finds himself in a room with 3 cylinders made of glass, 2 are empty, but the other in the middle still has something inside, it appears to be a set of armor, the armor is blue with a helmet with a red gem in the middle, the boots are pretty big and look like they weigh a ton, the gauntlets have white gloves on the end and rather large blue arm bands. in front of the container is a sign reading "POD A, ARMOR DISENGAGED, POD B, ARMOR DISENGAGED, POD C, ARMOR ENGAGED", after much pondering of how to get the armor out decides just to break the glass on the container, after doing so the armor falls in front of my chr, turns out the armor has hinges on the waist and the rest is a solid peice joined together. after a few minutes of struggling my chr finally gets himself inside the suit (and suprisingly as he wiggled his way in he found the suit adjusting to his size, "enchanted size changer" he muttered), a red button is on the right arm band, curious my chr presses it, then his right glove dissapears and so does his hand, after getting his nerves back my chr realises he can still feel his hand and guessed it must just be invisable but then with his invisable hand he finds an invisable trigger, once agian his kahjit curiosity got the better of him and he pulled the trigger, then a huge glowing ball shot from where his hand had dissapeared and blew a hole in the wall opposite him, after realising what just happened, he smirked and realised that this must have been the legandary armor that he had heard about.

He decided he should leave before the undead come back, He found it rather easy to run despite the huge boots and with every step he took he heard a rather metalic thud from under him, he guessed if the armor was heavy it would make a noise like that.

Well, this is more a case of verbal diarrhoea about what your character is doing rather than an actual fanfiction.

Firstly, "my chr". What the hell? There is nothing wrong with writing in third person, but at least use their name!! Also, those kind of acronyms are hardly appropriate for a fanfic.

Secondly, the description is poor, and the entire thing is rushed. Slow down. Write some good description. At the moment it is written in the style of one long huge big sentence and the chr does this and he does that and there is no room to breath and he runs around some more and suddenly OMG look some armour, oh no my hand is invisible, what shall I do?! Not the best style, if you see what I mean

Thirdly, armour that never needs repair. Sounds like ubering. This can of course be a legitimate role play or fanfic character, but bear in mind it may put people off. It's always better if the reader can identify with the character in some way, if they care about what happens to them. If they are invisible, or have the best armour, the story can easily become boring, because they are uber, and you know they will always win.

Finally. Nothing about this fanfiction apart from the undead seems remotely Elderscrolls. In fact, it felt more like Iron Man. If this is the case, you may want to request that it is moved to Community Discussion instead.

I completely agree with esmerelde. You went into to little or no description, there is no back story or explanation, it seems to have nothing to do with elder scrolls besides it's a "kahjiit chr", and please tell me english is your second or preferably fourth language. None of these things are suitable for a fan-fiction.

That was 3 sentences...
And I thought you were talking about your chair.

oh c'mon, its my first shot, no need to say pointless stuff like " OMG TIS TERRIBLE< U SHOULD GO DIE!!!" or "READING THIS MAKES PEOPLE STUPID", its my first fan fic, I said I'd get rid of the "my chr" thing at the top before the story