The Odyssey.

Post » Sun Jul 11, 2010 1:28 am

I said my last FF would by my last for Fallout, but alas I lied.

Prologue - The Last Two People on Earth?

The desolate valley before us was long, full of danger, full of hidden secrets. Be it the Government's underground facilities, or just Vaults that were buried in rubble caused from the atomic fire. The rarest of occasions was definitely the nuclear bomb that never detonated. The crater around it was massive, and full of radiation. No one dare took a step near the place until time passes on; and the radiation dies down.

But that bomb was far behind us, miles away. We were safe just outside of the renaissance styled Capitol Building. Up the steps, and around the corner led to a ledge that was probably one of the safest places in the city. There weren't that many dangers, though, just those giant green men and their beastly dogs. The only way to the ledge was to walk across a very narrow pathway, and if you were too big you'd just fall right down. None of the big green men were smart enough to get over to us.

Us... My father and I. Like a tragic story from the books of Arlington, we were the last two people on Earth. At least we thought we were, until people started to come out of their hiding places, and the large underground Vaults started to open. A small group of people entered the city for the Summer, thinking the shade of the buildings would keep the intense Atomic heat away. They were all very wrong. The only place safe at those times were deep underground. The facilities were mostly rumor and legend, but my father seemed confident about them. We knew they were real, from before the bombs went off, but we didn't know if they were still real and intact.

My name is Liam McGregor, and I'm 15 years old.

The harsh heat of the Summer kept me and my dad awake most of the time, but we could sometimes manage to get a few hours of sleep. The heat was progressively dying down, but it was still almost to the point where it melted metal. You wouldn't ever believe what the human body can endure, until you've lived in the "Atomic Summer." That was what my dad called it.

All though the moon was up, and the Sun was on the other side of the Earth, we could still feel it's rays pound on our backs. The small, silver tarp we set up as a tent of sorts helped; but it barely helped. Unfortunately, however, it did attract some attention. Not from the Green Giants, but from something we'd never expect. Other human beings.

The tent was small, and my dad slept outside because: "I can take the heat longer than you can, son." He sat around the tent, not able to see the ledge. He was out of sight from the visiting stranger.

The tarp rustled from the outside, and I opened my eyes and jerked upward. I backed against the silver walls, closer to my dad. A small face appeared through the tiny opening of the tarp. The face was smiling largely. The face wasn't my dad's.

"Oh, dear." Said the face, "A poor little boy out alone? Come with me."

The face grew shoulders, then a torso, then legs. The man was standing completely inside. He reached out his arms, and grabbed me my the wrist. I yelled, and tried to hit him away.

Behind him, my dad came up with one fist in his other hand, and his elbow pointed towards the man. He let it down with force, hitting the man directly in the spine. The man rolled over, and moaned.

"Don't touch my son!" Dad yelled loudly, pointing to the fallen man.

The man didn't reply. He was out cold. My dad grabbed his legs, and dragged him outside of the tent and towards the ledge. It was only about ten feet down, but it was still a dangerous fall. He kicked the man over the edge, and heard the surprisingly loud crunch of his body smacking against the marble rubble.

I ran outside, and wrapped my arms around my dad. I said, "I thought there were no more other than us."

"They're coming from their hiding place, son. And it's time to leave ours."
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Felix Walde
 
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Post » Sun Jul 11, 2010 5:07 am

"My name is Liam McGreggor, and I am 15 years old."

That sentence should be written in the past tense. Otherwise, I like it.
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ANaIs GRelot
 
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Post » Sun Jul 11, 2010 6:48 am

I take it this only a few years after the bombs. Yeah, that sounds about right. The super mutants would have only just now appear, and there wouldn't many people left. The Fallout Timeline does say the Earth was unfit for normal human survival for decades, so I gathered that most of the humans from all the games were just descendents of vault dwellers who simply forgot their origins.
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Charlie Sarson
 
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Post » Sat Jul 10, 2010 11:42 pm

An interesting start my friend. You did a great job of setting the mood of the piece. I'm detecting some Cormac McCarthy influences (especially from 'The Road') in this story. Hopefully you can give it your own spin and make it all your own. Good work regardless.
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cheryl wright
 
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Post » Sun Jul 11, 2010 2:06 am

Wow have not posted in this Fallout Section in a looong time, good to be back!

Anways, I like it like all other Fan Fics, but I still wish you never ended that one Fan Fic, the one were his parents are Ghoul.
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Scott
 
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Post » Sun Jul 11, 2010 7:11 am

Amazing. I do a lot of reseach on the aftermath of a Nuclear War, and this is about perfect.

One thing to add. According to the Fallout Timeline, the Black Rain falls a week after the blasts, so later down the road it might be good to mention. I assume this goes along with FOTL, which would place this story about three years after the bombs, which is when the first people started crawling out from their hiding places.

Absolutely nothing wrong with what you have here though, and I love it.
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bonita mathews
 
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Post » Sat Jul 10, 2010 11:53 pm

Thanks, everyone. :) I just hope I can keep it up, and not turn my story in the wrong direction like I seem to have a habit of doing.
@Josh, I might just bring back that story if readers stay with this one.
@Kumite, you're right! :)

Chapter One - The Odyssey

We packed our things in two small backpacks. We were both weak from the heat, and lack of food, and the radiation. The last thing we needed were heavy backpacks that were mostly useless. My dad taught me to only carry around the necessities of life, unless I know I'm strong enough to carry pleasantries.

All the food was left back at our safe ledge, but we took the water with us. There were still animals out there – mostly dogs – that we could hunt and feed off of. And of course there were many places to scavenge. Because of the intense heat, we mostly needed water. Sometimes I look back and think of all the food I wasted before the bombs dropped.

Looking out to the green murky water of the Potomac, I looked at my dad and said: “What if they're trustworthy?”

“Trust? Trust is gone like the trees, gone like the green grass. We can't trust anything, Liam. And that's the first rule of surviving out here.” My dad replied.

“Where are we going?”

“To the Ruins, it's the only place we can go to and be safe.”

“But we don't know if they're still there or not. You said yourself they were probably targeted first.”

“Listen, Liam; it's the only place we have left. I'm sorry, but it's where we are going. I wont promise we'll find anything, because I can't. Do you understand me?”

“Yeah.” I said in a sad tone. I looked to the ground, and started to follow my dad down the river Potomac.

The water looked like green vomit. Streaks of different colors followed the primary dark green; there was brown, gray, yellow, and even blue. Back in school I was taught some of the affects of radiation, in the event of nuclear war. I never figured our governments would be stupid enough to destroy the world, but what did I know? I was just a stupid fifteen year old kid, I guess.

It was hard not to think about the past, back when life was decent. To be perfectly honest, the life now was okay for me. My dad was always my only family, and all of my friends managed to make it to the Vaults. Dad and I never got to the Vaults because it was the two of us, while everyone else in my small town had families. I was alive, my dad was alive, and somewhere my friends were safe. It was how I slept at night.

“We could try and find a Vault.” I said to my dad.

“A Vault? No, they wouldn't let us in even if they knew we were outside banging on the giant doors. Remember the tour we took in the museum? You don't want to spend the rest of your life inside a metal room, do you?”

“Wouldn't it be better than dying out in the desert? And what about the Ruins? They're the same as a Vault, aren't they?”

“Dying is not an option, Liam. We'll do our best to fight, and if one of us goes, the other does too.”

“What are you talking about? Both of us-”

My dad interrupted, “With the Ruins, we can come and go as we please. It will be a safe place to sleep, and full of food and water. Outside, we'll enjoy life. We can live like regular father and son. Agreed?”

I knew, that no matter what my dad wouldn't let me ask about what he said. I also knew that when he made his mind, he never went back. He wanted the best for me, but I even started to think he was taking even that too seriously. I sighed, said: “Agreed.”
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amhain
 
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Post » Sun Jul 11, 2010 6:44 am

Anybody want to comment? :]
I have Swine Flu, and am really sick right now :/ So I probably wont have a chapter up for a bit. Sorry.
Hate to bump without story though D:
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NeverStopThe
 
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Post » Sat Jul 10, 2010 7:58 pm

Anybody want to comment? :]
I have Swine Flu, and am really sick right now :/ So I probably wont have a chapter up for a bit. Sorry.
Hate to bump without story though D:

Still enjoying it. Get better so we can enjoy even more!
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Riky Carrasco
 
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Post » Sat Jul 10, 2010 6:09 pm

Once again, I liked it. Below are parts which could be improved.

Thanks, everyone. :) I just hope I can keep it up, and not turn my story in the wrong direction like I seem to have a habit of doing.
@Josh, I might just bring back that story if readers stay with this one.
@Kumite, you're right! :)

Chapter One - The Odyssey

All the food was left back at our safe ledge, but we took the water with us. There were still animals out there ? mostly dogs ? that we could hunt and feed off of.

Looking out to the green murky water of the Potomac, I looked at my dad and said: "What if they're trustworthy?"

"Yeah." I said in a sad tone. I looked to the ground, and started to follow my dad down the river Potomac.

The water looked like green vomit. Streaks of different colors followed the primary dark green; there was brown, gray, yellow, and even blue. Back in school I was taught some of the affects of radiation, in the event of nuclear war. I never figured our governments would be stupid enough to destroy the world, but what did I know? I was just a stupid fifteen year old kid, I guess.


1. "off of" is always awkward. Try something along the lines of "that we could hunt and kill for food".

2. What? What if who are trustworthy?

3. Yuck. "Sad" is awfully vague, and the whole sentence is plain and boring. I suggest you use something like ""Yes," I muttered, trying to keep the bitterness/sadness/fear out of my voice." OR ""Yes." I knew that arguing wouldn't accomplish anything."

4. Unbelievable. He's a kid; why is he being so humble? Besides, nobody likes an "emo".




If I could make one overarching comment on the FanFic, it would be to make your writing style more interesting and unique. At the moment it has no real personality to it; try to find your own style, and it will dramatically improve your writing.
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Rachell Katherine
 
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Post » Sun Jul 11, 2010 2:52 am

I'm back again, woo. Got better from the flu, but now I have pneumonia. Haha, it never ends. Anyways... The story is going to start to split between Liam, and Sarah the new antagonist. She'll unfold in the next chapter, which will be dedicated to her.

Also, I noticed my writing style changed and is less gloomy. Tell me if you like it or not.

Chapter Two - Don't Trust Sarah

I never liked sleeping outside where I'm vulnerable. I shivered just at the thought. But thank God that dad managed to catch a small electric plant in the distance. The building was next to some sketchy looking, sliver but rusty electricity boxes. It was also a very small building that looking only to have two rooms. The front door was covered in scratch marks, big ones.

There was a mattress inside, along with a fridge and some chairs. The control panels had little knick-knacks, like a hula-dancing Hawaiian girl, or some small garden gnomes. It was kind of strange, actually. In the corner, there was a chess game set up, and one chair against the stool the game was on. It looked like someone was just playing against themselves. Looking into the other room, I saw the remains of the unfortunate soul.

Curiosity taking control, I walked into the room and looked at the skeleton. The skull had a small hole in it, and the hand was tightly clenched around a .33 revolver. There were some shells scattered on the ground. Biting down, I took the run from the skeleton hand and collected the scattered bullets. It wasn't until then I smelled the stench of rot, and left the room. I shut the door, hoping it would never be opened again. I hid the gun away in my pocket

"He killed himself." I said to myself, but loud enough for my dad to hear.

I heard my dad grunt, then the sound of something being forced open. Looking back, I saw my dad standing in front of an open fridge, looking in. He laughed, and threw up his arms.

"We'll be eating like kings, tonight." He pulled out some canned foods, and what looked like a Salisbury steak box. "You can have the steak, and a can of food. I'll take the other three cans. Sounds fair, doesn't it?"

I smiled, and nodded, and said "I'd much rather take it all, but whatever you want." I stood to take my share of food, when I saw a terminal behind my dad. I said, "Look, there's a terminal back there. Think it works?"

Dad shrugged, "Don't know, and I don't care." He tossed the box and can over to me, "Have fun with it, though. I'll be eating.

I sat down next to the small computer, and looked up at the high rose terminal. I pressed a button, and the keyboard unfolded down to be right in front of me. I pressed the big red button underneath the screen, and heard the beep that meant it was working. The thing powered on, and the amber colored writing hurt my eyes. It was dark in the building, after all.

"They're journal entries." I said to my dad. He grunted in reply. "I'll read the last."

The last entry read:

I couldn't sleep again last night, Sarah. Where are you when I need you? I need your help, I need your company, I need your love. I know you'll come back with food, I never doubt it.

That beast is still hanging around, banging the walls and scratching the door. I know it's hurt, and I know it's huge.

I think, that if that thing ever gets in, I'll have to end it myself. Actually, it never leaves and I'm starting to run out of food. I might just have to end it before the thing gets to me. Whatever happens, I guess the bastard won, eh? Ha ha ha.


***

She stood at seven feet tall. Her massive claws extended more than foot. The hood over her head was fused with a mask, and when it was on completely she would look like a giant monster that greatly resembled a bear. The fake fur matched the desert scene, and played a perfect role in camouflaging from her prey. Laying on a hill, she watched her next two victims walk into a very small building. A power plant.

He died there... They toyed with him 'til he ended it... I was gone, I should have been there... Those monsters! Trust nobody, kill everybody. I'm hungry, so hungry. thought Sarah, watching the two men enter the building her husband died in.
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Your Mum
 
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Post » Sat Jul 10, 2010 10:38 pm

So wait, Sarah killed the Yao Guai mentioned in the terminal, and is wearing its fur? So is she like, crazy now?
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Maya Maya
 
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Post » Sat Jul 10, 2010 11:43 pm

All right, no more chapters on Sarah, or her lover. This is the only one, the rest will be from the McGregor's point of view.

Three - What She Has Become

I searched through the terminal, trying to find more entries and information on whoever was dead in the other room. I found a few entries that didn't really interest me, but there some others that involved whatever was stalking the writer, and his wife Sarah. I even found a hidden entry, and the date on it made it seem like the real last one. Terminals are amazing things, but it seems pointless to hide files.


Entry #3
This amber text is starting to drive me crazy, and I have no idea to change it. I miss green, or blue, or maybe even white.

Entry #6
That monster is still banging at the door, scratching and what not. That thing might just get in soon.

Entry #8
Sarah, where are you? I'm starting to run low on food, or maybe I'm just paranoid about it. I'm better now, and I've been better as soon as you left for medicine. I need you, honey, where are you? I know you would know how to handle that monster out there.

Entry #10
It's back, I'm gonna go see what it is. Let it be known, if anyone find my remains, that that monster didn't win. I just slipped from the roof.

Well I made it back. The thing looked like a bear. Or, what was once a bear. It was missing a lot of skin and fur, and it looked like it had a Mohawk. The thing definitely needs a stylist.

While I was up on the roof, I popped a cap in it. It didn't seem that affected by it; just angry.

Entry #12 – Last Journal Write
Sarah, I love you...



Sarah slowly trudged closer to the power plant, dressed in her bullet proof armor. The bear suit was reinforced with scrap metal, making it stronger, and making the wearer two feet taller and much larger looking. It was for close encounters, because the long claws made it impossible to hold a gun.

Even though the entire body was fur from a bear, the face mask was human skin; giving the appearance of a male face. The entire head was folded down, so it appeared Sarah was just in a fur coat.

Sarah had a dirty, rough looking face. Her hair was cut short, and there were patches of emptiness on her scalp. The bear suit gave her the appearance of a very muscular man.

She reached the power plant where the two men resided, and lifted her hand. She started to scratch the pale blue door, and kick as hard as she could. Sarah was feeling hungry and murderous.

Like other people before Liam and his dad, Sarah would attract her victims toward her, and she'd cut them open with her massive claws. The only difference, was that she was planning to kill the two men just like the same bear that killed her husband.

What have I become? Thought Sarah, I'm no different than an animal... But I'm hungry... So hungry...


Entry #12 – Last Journal Write
...It's in the other room. I don't know how I managed, but I got it to follow me in there and I ran out. I'm writing on this terminal to tell you how much I love you, Sarah.

The Goddamned thing is banging on the door in here, I think it's going to get out soon. I can't run. Out there I'll never outrun it, and I know I can't [censored] kill it. It's just a damn field out there, there's no place to hide.

Well, this is it for me, Sarah. I wont let it kill me. It won already. I love you more than anything in the world, you are my world. You... were my world.

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Matthew Barrows
 
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Post » Sat Jul 10, 2010 11:20 pm

Maybe its just me, but I always like a story that tell both sides. It leaves less questions unanswered. I don't know the route you are taking with this story, but I like where it has gone so far.

Just try to imagine if you hadn't put in that little point of view by Sarah. We'd all be asking "WTF?", but since its in there, we can tell she's quite mad. I imagine surviving through the end of the world would do that to most people.

Don't be discouraged by others either, its your story and you just gotta write where it take you. Keep up the awesome job!
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Ian White
 
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Post » Sat Jul 10, 2010 11:03 pm

Thanks, TZRock.

I wanted a complete crazy as the villain, but with their own uniqueness. And there will be more on Sarah, so she'll still develop as a character. My one big hint on why she's a crazy is; she's going to change, a lot.
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NeverStopThe
 
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