This is the first part of a short story I am working on: The Poet of Grey Watch. The "Poet" in the story is a bit of an inside joke for TES fans, and will be explained for those who aren't with the conclusion of the story... Just check out his name. Also, this is about half of what I expect it will become. IT IS NOT FINISHED.

Keep is only my SECOND fanfic. I'm new to writing.

Hope you guys like it as much as my last one

If not, I'm open to constructive critique. Just don't be negative or mean. I am here to have fun and share my work, ruthless critisism won't help.

So... here it is.

The Poet of Grey-Watch-- Part one

It was twilight in East Skyrim- the moon but a silver sliver in the firmament, sheathed in opalescent sheen. Here lay Grey Watch and its tavern, half buried in a mound of snow, splinters, and sundry woodland detritus. Here blew winds like subtle glissades, the caress of lithe succubae. Here whirled petrified particles of dirt; miniscule crystals of ice; needles and seeds. To here came an itinerant poet, a troubadour, an emissary of verse, to tell the town's inhabitants tales from beyond the borders of Tamriel?

Grey Watch was a small settlement located in the scarcely inhabitable tundra of eastern Skyrim, and had recently been subjected to a blizzard of monumental proportions. The town, in essence, was snowed in for the foreseeable future.

The area was silent, immobile, unanimated save a snaking mass of smoke billowing from a rectangular aperture in the snow. The smoke carried with it barely audible sounds? eructation, applause, a variety of voices, the occasional explosion of laughter; but above all, the most frequent sound was the voice of a poet?intriguing and placid.

It was a portal to a tavern, to sub terra forma festivities.

The tavern was crafted in the traditional, partially-subterranean style of northern Tamriel. Outside, under nominal circumstances, one would have had considerable difficulty discerning it from the surrounding architecture-- dull as it was. Inside, certain distinctions could be made, mainly in regard to the artistic rendering of its woodwork. Four, quadrangular pillars upheld the roof, carven with intricate arabesques, cryptic calligraphy, and depictions of lycanthropes locked in fervent animation. The walls were hung with wooden masks, obscure totems, and exquisite tapestries of ocher and black. An automated billow sustained a fire in the hearth at optimum intensity. The flames whipped at the darkness like sensing snake tongues.

In a corner, punctuating the circumference of a large, round table, there sat a host of inebriated individuals, enrapt with the account of a cloaked stranger. The stranger spoke in soft, sibilant syllables, pausing only to sip from a tankard of honey mead. Judging from the distinct folds in his hood, the center of attraction was a Khajit- a race of highly intelligent, bipedal felines- though he displayed none of the linguistic idiosyncrasies characteristic of those people.

The occupant's prolonged proximity had resulted in several sophomoric contests, but nothing of consequence or notable severity.

The Bartender, a Nord of inordinate girth, watched the proceedings from afar- unconvinced of the narrative's veracity. He knew the Khajiit? From whence he was uncertain. But his voice, his mannerisms, even his trim anatomy, were all plainly recognizable. The source was fuliginous, however. A haze.

With the completion of his tale, the Khajiit removed his hood, and, utilizing his index finger, indicated a vertical length of scar tissue spanning his left cheek. The Nords leaned in, visibly impressed.

"I was not left without wounds of my own, as you can plainly see. Xivilai lace their claws with a mordant acid prior to battle? "

"A gnarly wound!" One of the Nords commented enthusiastically.

"Indeed!"

"Such courage! Such bravery! Such valor and tact!

"Can I? Touch it?"

The bartender kept yonder Khajiit in his periphery--completely incredulous. He pretended to occupy himself with a fastidious maintenance-- the precise symmetry of chairs and utensils, the placement of candles, knives, napkins, and mugs.

"It is of no significance really. I am a master of the restorative arts. Of course, now that the necromancer was slain, I was free to plunder his dark treasures, and in the end, despite being simultaneously attacked by giant bats, imps, and reanimated skeletons, I made away with some notable articles. Note the obscene configuration of this phylactery." The Khajiit pulled forth, from a rough leather bag dangling loosely at his hip, an amulet of extravagant design.

The Nords ooh'd and ahh'd in unison.

"Note the following aspects of its composition-- the tentacular protuberances (here, here, and here), the corrugated surface (yes, feel all you like; just don't touch the central gemstone), the distinct amalgam of tones?red, purple, black? It is most certainly Daedric in origin."

"A singular acquisition!"

"Allow me to fondle the prime nicety?" suggested one possessed patron.

The Khajiit vehemently drew back his amulet, leaving the Nord groping at mid air.

"Tis enchanted buffoon! Unless you are of a mind to forfeit your faculties, expel the contents of your intestinal tract, and enter a cataleptic fit I suggest you cease! I have tried it myself, and the effects are as stated!"

The Nord sat immediately down, his head declined slightly forward, indicating embarrassment and shame.

"Now," The Khajiit resumed grandiloquently "I have other articles which I would like to share with you? So suppress your barbaric inclinations! I am not of avaricious disposition, but neither am I magnanimous. I have earned these sundry rarities through right of conquest."

The remaining occupants stared irascibly at the offending patron. He commenced to sinuously slide from his seat to under the table, eyes averted in abject embarrassment.

The Khajiit scrounged through his bag, giving a barely audible, subsidiary commentary on its contents, and presently, with a small ejaculation, withdrew that which he had sought.

"Observe!" he cried, flourishing a fat, faceted emerald. It was of aqueous translucency, possessed of an ephemeral effulgence, and green like the verdure of sun dappled tropics. It fulgurated fervently in the hearth-fire.

None could resist the allure of the gemstone. The bartender ceased his restless perambulations. His hands hung limp at his sides, tankard and cloth dangling precariously loose.

"Who among us?" The Khajiit asked, giving pause to excite the imagination of those who stood in awe, "has seen a dragon?"

The patrons were reduced to marmoreal simulacrums of Nords.

"Grandiose load of?" the bartender managed.

"I, Qiam the warrior-poet, second in the line of Jasque, from Elswyr province, have seen a Dragon." Qiam put away the emerald with which he had mesmerized the tavern's occupants, and, by slow degrees, their faces returned to normal. "It was in Akavir that I commited the grandest act of larceny in the history of Nirn. I stole a dragon's gemstone....

"Harken to my tale ye strong-spirited Nords! For there are none like it?"

Okay not bad, not bad at all. The descriptions were very good so I got a good picture in my head, which is obviously a postive thing. However I still do get slightly put off by the abundance of smart words. I understand it is part of your writing style, but I think it would be easier for people to enjoy if they didn't need to look in their dictionarys every ten seconds. Thanfully for myself, I have a quite variety of vocab, so it wasn't too bad for me, but sometimes I got lost. I mean when people read they want to relax, some may not be able to relax reading this.

But that aside, it's perfectly fine. I can tell you work hard on this, so keep it up! :goodjob:

P.S- My reviews may not be great or detailed, but I try to put something through.

Thanks! I still do use alot of "big words" but I'm trying to tone down using archaic ones.

The only ones I think people may have trouble with are

Fulgurated-- Glittered; having to do with lightning flashes

Grandiloquently-- Pompous, bombastic

Phylactrey-- Amulet

Succubae-- Plural of a seductress that comes to you during moments of unconciousness, ALA wet dream

Edit: Effulgence-- Glow

Hehe, yeah those are the ones I stuggled with. If I may make a recommandation? Have like a glossary at the end of each post or something, that way people will enjoy it more, and also be learning at the same time!

First off, nice vocab! Those are some purty hefty words you got there and it really gives a feel to your character. I'm looking forward to the next bit
:goodjob:

As always, your grammar and poetic description is the most striking thing about this, and I find it just as fun as last time. Hopefully there will be less, ah, controversy on this story. It looks like it will be a bit longer as well, no? (Please forgive me for commenting as I read, I feel it adds to knowing exactly what the reader will feel the first time as well)

As I read, the suspense of exactly what the Khajiit poet is saying is building up nicely. I find myself wanting to know, instead of reading simply because I have to. Even I concede that the words do prove a tad tricky, perhaps some better context clues or even (curse me for saying it) more simple ones. I love the words, but they some are meaningless to me, uneducated as I am.

Even his dialogue contains such speech, and I think it would do well (and be humorous) to paint a look of confusion at words like phylactery. Ah, now I see why! Even they are using such vocabulary, Skyrim Nords though they are. A poet might know these words, but I hardly think they would.

Interesting introduction, I love the creativity and unexpectedness of it. Stories told via flashback are always fun for the author and audience alike. The Nord's reactions could have been played up a bit more, it seems kind of flat, but not so much that it would bother me had this story not been so good.

He changes topics a lot, and it feels kind of sharp and unnatural for conversation. Perhaps taking away some of the more extravagant words from the Nords and barkeep, and add a bit of... hmm, I suppose the closest word I can think of is camaraderie, but it does not fully explain what Nords tend to have. You know, a male bonding kind of thing. These Nords sound less like hardened Skyrim villagers and more like teenage girls, giggling over the coolest guy in school. If they are manly men, I would expect them to act more like your teammates after you had just scored a touchdown, rather than your grandmother at a garage sale I doubt I'd be able to do it myself, but I hope you can find a way.

So, the biggest issue for me is still related to your wording, but only in the dialogue. Feel free to have poets use that, but a bartender seems a bit unrealistic. Other than that I loved it, an intro that only starts to reveal plot, just as expositions should, and the story will take us to Akavir! If anyone can describe that place right, it's you

Thanks for writing, and keep up the great work :goodjob:

The whole "Nords speaking in high language" is kind of a nod to Jack Vance, and how all of his characters (regardless of their caste or status) speak like kings. Some people find it funny; some don't. I also gave the Nords pretty immasculate mannerisms for an ironic effect.

For example, the vocabulary here is used for a purely humorous purposes...

"Tis enchanted buffoon! Unless you are of a mind to forfeit your faculties, expel the contents of your intestinal tract, and enter a cataleptic fit I suggest you cease! I have tried it myself, and the effects are as stated!"

And here... I laughed writing this

"Allow me to fondle the prime nicety..."

And some Bierceian (?) physical humor

The remaining occupants stared irascibly at the offending patron. He commenced to sinuously slide from his seat to under the table, eyes averted in abject embarrassment.

So it does have humorous elements... Probobally a bit too vauge though since noone has picked up on it.

I'll have to agree that the diaologue is a bit choppy in some spots... :/
Dialouge has always been my weakest area.

But anyway... thanks for the compliments and critique.

Found this on the interweb, thought it was pretty applicable.

I pretty much agree with Darkom. I like the style you use, and that you have such a great vocabulary, but I simply don't see it as being applicable in the dialogue. As to the bit with Jack Vance, were this an original work, I would have no issue. However, it's a fanfiction, with the cultures coming predefined. I could see an Imperial or an Altmer speaking like that, or perhaps a Breton, but not a Nord. Anyway, that's really my only issue.

I liked it, good work again.

I actually enjoy all the big words, helps me expand my own vocabulary. I can usually guess at the meaning of ones that give me pause based on context even if I don't know already. I find your use of language fascinating, there's definite poetry in here, to me the story just seems to flow like a song.

I should tell you that I guessed the identity of the main character before he'd even been introduced, which may have been due to your little hint at the beginning. Needless to say I like what you've done with the guy and can't wait to read the rest of his "tall tale."

Keep up the good work.

Edit: Oh and I laughed a lot too, this story is pretty hilarious, especially with the Nords acting like school girls as "The Poet" shows off his trinkets.

It wasn't bad but I would recommend toning down the words of a more complex origin. It feels as though your almost trying to add these words to make you seem more intelligent. I'm not criticizing you but that was the feeling I received from this article.
Edit: I also guessed the identity of the character before reading. ^_^

Ah, it seems to have gone over my head I'm a very serious reader, I rarely find jokes unless they are obvious. Well, once again, it's your choice whether you want to make them sound like that to be funny, but please tell us first so we don't think you did it on accident :goodjob:

This. No offence Emperor but it feels the same as your last book, the difference being you made a Poet warrior bard this time almost as if you where looking for an excuse to use very archaic words with him. I wouldnt mind if it was just him, but every character in this book fels like the studied literacy at Oxford.

I think it is part of his writing style, Solidor. I believe he is taking after the author called Jack Vance or something like that. I suppose it isn't very TES like for everyone to speak like kings but I won't make him change his style, maybe just tone down a little. Let's face it, his writing wouldn't be the same without the more complex words.

True that. But I still believe it needs to be toned down in the dialogue, a warrior poet just doesnt feel like anything special when even Tavern owners have he same vocabulary range as him.

:thumbsup:

Though I do agree with BosmeriLegion and Solidor to a slightly lesser degree.

Yeah that's true. I would suggest, EoD, that when you're in dialogue, only leave the complex words to specific characters :goodjob:

Well, look at it this way--

In an Elder Scrolls comedy, would you be opposed to some characters speaking in modern colloquialisms like "This svcks"?

As long as its done right I wouldn't.

The same thing applies to the Nords that speak as if they're highborn.

But I guess its a matter of taste.

Wow, I just read verlox's comment. Didn't expect that from you!

:foodndrink:

And even the super-words aren't that big of a problem, and in some cases actually add quite a bit to the story. It's just that every sentence has them. So, for some, it gets a little bothersome.

I wanna see more.

Yeah same, despite believing in my opinion that the complex words are a little too unrealistic for some characters, I'd still love to see more; the story is entertaining and hell, a Nord speaking like an Imperial king gives me a few giggles

Ok... Here we go. I have alot more, this is just one part. Tell me what you think. The rest of the story is Qiams story, unless so indicated by ******

*ahem*

The Poet of Grey Watch part 2

Amidst the misty mountains of Eastern Akavir, where cirrus drift like ethereal whisks, and naught is to be found save a dreary geometry of crags and crenellations, there walked venerable Qiam, second in the line of Jasque, from the province of Elswyr. An animate mist obscured the upmost acclivities, subtly opaque, impermeable to light, like the depths of cloudy quartz.

Peregrinating at a leisurely pace, Qiam came anon to a stream of undulant sapphire, refracting staggered shards of sun. He put away his lute, upon which he made mellifluous music, and waded through the waist-high water. Just as soon as Qiam emerged, however, uncomfortable and wet, he was confronted by a hulking brute of manifest violent capabilities.

Qiam scrutinized his opposition. He wore no protective garments --no panoply of iron or steel?indeed it would have been superfluous, for his anatomy was like that of an ogre. His skin was but a tenuous sheath outlining the statuesque proportions of his musculature.

He was covered in coarse, inextricably matted hair, and exuded a strong waft of compounded odor. Qiam, with his sensitive nostrils, distinguished its constituent elements?coagulated blood, crystallized tree sap, and petrified excrement.

The barbarian opened his mouth and commenced to speak. His voice was like a thousand bass strings reverberating in a vast chasm, and rearranged so as to mimic articulate vocables. "Halt! What businesses have you in the land of Xzaegith?"

Qiam was struck with immediate puzzlement. Nowhere on his map of the region did the locality "Xzaegith" exist. Nevertheless, he responded in his characteristic fashion, "And who might you be to challenge my presence?"

The man's lips parted in a barbarous smile, revealing a set of finely honed teeth, glinting at their sharp terminus. "An emissary of the high lord Xzaegith. Xzaegith-- master of these mountains, scourge of men and mer? By night he blots out the diamonds of the firmament with his magnificent bulk. By day he beds on jewels. Xzaegith the great! Xzaegith the marvelous! Xzaegith the?"

Qiam pulled forth, from his robes of tarnished grey, a leather bound folio adorned with fanciful arabesques. He calmly recited an incantation proscribed therein, possessed of an archaic nomenclature. It was the infamous destruction spell "The Definitive Oracular Injunction". Upon pronouncing the incantation's syllables, the Barbarian commenced to spin with preposterous, ever-mounting velocity. In his present state he resembled a reeling spindle of varicolored yarn. Much to Qiam's surprise, the barbarian still spoke, but only a handful of phrases could be discerned amidst the frenzied warble. "Xzaegith? Envied? Legions..." Anon his stirred and distorted wails reached a crescendo. He burst into a cloud of crimson spatter, maroon viscera, ropes of intestines, tumescent organs, pulp of fervently palpitating heart-- and these jettisoned with extreme rapidity to every point of the compass.

Qiam smiled, put away his spell book, and leisurely continued southward.


Qiam had come to Akavir to test the validity of a rumor. According to eye-witness reports, a dragon had recently taken its abode amidst the serrate pinnacles and vertiginous ramparts of the East. The veracity of this intelligence was dubious at best, and unanimously met with a surly skepticism by those of the upper castes. But, Qiam, of insatiably adventurous disposition, was intrigued by these reports, and sailed without reservation for those enigmatic lands.

His first impression of Akavir was like that of a bed-ridden child waking to the wonders of nature. The land grew with a multitude of strange and ornate vegetations. Chief among these were the ubiquitous "demon tendrils"-- vines that developed in labyrinthine formations; and, in their final stages, resembled florid arabesques, petrified tangles of smoke, and the elaborate signatures of elfin nobles. The cities, to Qiam's eyes, exhibited architecture of a voluptuous variety?accustomed as he was to the quotidian normality of Cyrodiil. The valleys and streets, highways and byways, even the small, canopied carts of vendors and fabulous multi tiered pagodas, adhered to a set geometry, a strict symmetry of perpendiculars. And all about there eddied and whirled the pink confetti of cherry blossoms.

He had docked in Tsaesci, the southernmost region of Akavir, whose denizens were curiously hybridized. From the waist down they resembled serpents, from the waist up- men, women- albeit with a vaguely ophidian physiognomy. Their language was obscenely sibilant, and punctuated with the frequent flutter of bifurcated tongues.

Among the manifold provisionists of Tscaeci were the enchanters, with their assorted oddities; the alchemists, with their resins and perfumes; the eateries, with their arrays of sumptuous viands; the harems, with their lithe, silk laden women and draqeries of gossamer lace?but no such things interested Qiam, for he was a simple Khajiit, and possessed of many miraculous assets to which he desired no adjunct.

For example: even though Qiam was incapable of replicating Tsaesci vocalizations, he seduced several of the shapely snake-women during his stay, upon whom he vigorously practiced his famous "36 erotic exercises." The snake women, of course, were endowed with busts of massive proportions.

**********

Qiam paused and took a prolonged swig from his tankard of mead.

"Well," Commented one ruddy-cheeked Nord.

"Indeed" Replied Qiam, wiping his mouth with the edge of his sleeve, leaning slightly back in his chair.

The bartender eyed Qiam suspiciously. "I have heard of Tsaeci, and even of their women, but nothing of the magnitude of their bosoms."

"Ah yes. They are quite large. The women are oft sought after, but highly selective in regard to copulation" Qiam replied somewhat proudly. "Their average proportions and general anatomical outline are proscribed within the..."

The Nords leaned forward in their chairs.

"'19? Akaviri? exotic? pleasurances?'"

"Hmm. Interesting, I have never heard of such a volume" One Nord replied innocently.

"It is extremely rare." Qiam made a dismissive gesture, "I wouldn't bother."

"Ah." The nords were plainly dissapointed.

"Let us continue!"

I liked this part better than the first one. It was a fair bit more entertaining. Though I do have some issues with it.

1. Peregrinating. That word, honestly, makes me want to strangle somebody. I don't know why, but it does. Because of the large amount of big words in your writing, interspersing a few simple verbs (nouns, adjectives, ect) that are more familiar would be something to look into. Essentially, keep the big words, but throw in a few more small ones as well.

2. Akavir. You're treading into very dangerous territory by displaying Akavir. The only thing we really know about Akavirians are their people, and few of their leaders, and that they really do not like people from Tamriel. From a Lore standpoint, there is a good chance Qiam would have been killed upon setting foot on that continent. There is also the trouble of finding a ship that actually gets him there, However, I am able to look past it.

3. Xzaegith. Is that supposed to be the dragon?

Aaaah Emperor... I must admit that was a pleasurable read indeed. It's strange that despite the complex words, I find your story easy to understand, and enjoy reading it a lot. I mean the description is, to be blunt, top-notch. I can feel what's going on and can see it, it is almost as if you're dragging me into your world as if I can see it first hand. So a very large kudos on the description and detailed side of things.

The dialogue was also good. Normally I'd be perplexed as to why the complex words would be used in casual conversations, but you seem to get away with it.

Verlox says that you're treading in dangerous water by displaying Akavir, and he is right. Likely Qiam would of been completely mauled to death as soon as he came to the place, and a 4000 mile ship journey to the place seems quite unrealistic as well in a way. But at the same time I think so what? You get away with it; yes we know little about the races and landscape of Akavir but somebody has got to do a fan-fic on it, and you seem like the right guy for the job, and you're doing good so far. I imagine you have researched on Akavir a lot, yes? So if you keep up things the way they are, then it'll be great!

And about that Xzaegith, I'm not overly sure either, Verlox. But I don't imagine it matters as of yet, and I am assuming that it will make some appearance later in the story, and the question will be answer there.

Anyways, to sum things up easily - Brilliant. Keep it up and I look forward to more :goodjob:

Ah, well, as far as displaying Akavir is concerned, I'm a romantic.



Well, actually, there isn't a whole lot of information on Akavir out there. I basically just read everything the imperial library had on it, and that only took me about an hour and a half. :/

So, right now, the layout of the land, the architecture, and the details of their cultures are pretty much open game for fan fiction.

The location of the countries in relation to oneother isn't known either, so I just used my imagination.