this is my first fan fic so be nice, the story stakes place in 2279 talon company has grown in numbers arond the wasteland, it revolves arond a merc named Mark darkness a smart and known merc in the capital wasteland one day he walks into talon company hq he was taken to the commander he was given two options be killed or help escort five slaves to paradise falls with 3 other talon co mercs guess witch one he chose




Chapter 1


Our friend mark is half way to paradise falls when one of the talon co mercs hast to take a leak while thats happaning one of the slaves trys to escape
but one of the talon co gets the slave

TCM: get over here!

Slave:Please dont hurt me please!

The 2 mercs nail the slave to a building

Save:AAAAAA please stop

TCM#2: should of stayed were you were

Slave:O NO PLEASE NO NO NOOOOOOOO!

the 2 mercs shoot the slave mark is stuned and all the TCM do is grin and laugh

Child slave:Mommy!

shoot the kid to hes getting on my nerves and tell the commander they got killed by raiders

The talon co mercs amed the guns at the kid mark hade a split second to make a choise

Mark:No you dont

Mark walked over to the mercs and grabed the first on arm and snaped it

TCM:ARRRRRGGGHHHH you prik MY friken arm

He then took a piece of bone from the mercs arm and stabed the other merc in the head killing him instantley

TLC: Crap Marty!

Mark:shut up

mark took a rock from the ground a swung it at the merc makeing a hole in his head then he takes out a ciggret ang light it

Mark:You allrite

Kid:My mommy

Mark:look we need to get away from here we can barry you mother some were along the way, lets go!

Mark then got the dead slave from the wall and told every one to follo him not knowing that the merc that had to take a piss sall the what happened

TMC#3:I got to tell the commander

end of chapter 1

A number of points. Whilst you have the idea of a story and how it starts which is good, it was very difficult to read.

Your grammar does need to improve, especially with the layout of your sentences and you need to look at using capital letters in the right places.

Try your second chapter, perhaps write it first in a word program to ensure there are no spelling mistakes and then read and re-read it several times to iron out any of the wrinkles. I realise this may be your first attempt but there is nothing like practice to become a good writer - keep going.

Now moderator advice: Tone down the amount of violence and description of violence, make it more general. Don't ever think about child killing, it is not permitted here and will get your story closed - OK I know the child wasn't killed but just in case you are thinking about it.

thanks and i will lighten up on the violance

Said it for me, you little cuddly thing, you! *Hugs Rohugh* I love people who do my job for me.

Heh, I don't normally comment but I figured it was best to lead the way before some of the "less tactful" members got here.



Good-o. Looking forward to the next instalment.

Chapter 2

9 days later

-So thats how it started

-Yes yes it is

-so whats the plan

-All i know is the person whos responsable for this dies tonight

9 days earlier

Mark:Heres a good place

mark and the slave stoped and set up a camp with some supplieys

Mark:So lets intraduce each other Im mark darkness a merc

A woman then spoke

Woman:my name is lila fields i was a caravan gaurd when i was knocked out and woke up here

then a man spoke

Man: my name is eddie J i was a repairman scaving for scrap metal when they blindfolded me and took me away

a ghoul then spoke

Ghoul: Im martan willows i was going to underworld when they got me

Then the boy who lost his mother spoke out sobing

Boy: (sniffling) im Riky wolf and my mom was brenda wolf (sobing)

Mark:Well we should go and barry you mom ricky

mark and ricky then went to the top a a hill not to far from there

Back at talon co HQ

Commander: HE WHAT!

TCM#3:Well he killed marty and nick sir (he said nervisly)

Commander i should feed you to the yoi gui but I need you to get him here alive

TCM#3: SIR YESR SIR!

The slaves woke up to aark yelling come come mega ton just 5 miles from here

9 days later

-you took them to megaton first

-yep

-let me guess things went to hell rite

-rite


End of chapter 2

I seriously laughed my way though the whole thing.

I'm not even going to bother reading. Why? Well, let's take a look.

You format like this:

Joe: Hey.
Sam: What's up?
Fred: Hello, when did you get here?

It's a horrible format and shouldn't be used once, or ever. It's unpleasant to the eyes and too short. You also only post like two word dialog sentences. You never finish your sentences, capitalize, spell properly, and it looks like:

the talon co merc captured the slave than serched the mans pocket's for his stuff

TCM: give me all yuor things

slave: AAAA get away from me


That has no emotion, no feeling, no compassion for the character, it's too short, and looks like you don't even care about this fanfic and it looks as if you only took two minutes to write this. It's very unprofessional. Just because this is a forum community, doesn't mean you shouldn't use full grammar skills and try your best at spelling. You need to start putting dialog into a form of:

The Talon Company merc approached the slave and began searching him of his things. He then said, "Give me all your things, meatsack!" The slave struggled to get away, but couldn't. He was held down by the merc. He then replied, saying, "Aaah!! Get away from me!!"


Please take note and edit out the entire story, until then, I refuse to read any bit of this.

Chapter 3

When Mark and the slaves got up it was about 7:30 am the time they reached megaton every one was already up Lucas Simms was the first to greet them

'No not more of you wasteland types", Don't worry all of these people are escaped slaves and ill watch my temper" Mark said. Wait you aren't thinking that I'm going to let them stay here were don't have any room", Eddie then spoke out, "What the hell man that's what we came for" "calm it down Eddie" Mark said " well were going to haft to figure something out I took all the caps the mercs had so ill give you guys a equal share of caps wile I think of something ".

Mark handed all the escaped slaves there caps, "Go crazy", Lila then came to mark , "Thank you for killing those guys and not handing us to the slaves". "Well I had a choice to make I gust hope it was the rite one" When Mark and Lila stopped talking every one went to spend there caps but Ricky was more interested in talking with the other children of megaton , "hey my name is Ricky", "Hi mine is magi and this is harden were did you come from and were is your parents"? "well I was a slave when that guy over there freed me from the people that were taking me to the slaver town and my mom she, she died just before we got here", "wow that must of stunk". "I miss here already"

Wile the kids were talking Mark walked in crater side supply, "hello I am Moria brown owner of crater side supply"
"nice to meet you". "So what are you here for "? " Id like some food and stimpacks". Moria looked in here stock and gave Mark 5 stimpacks, cans of pork and beans, And 4 milurke cakes "Will that be all "? "Mark looked at here weapons stock and found a 44. With some rounds "This to" Mark gave Moria all the caps the supplies cost and went to the nearest salon a ghoul greeted him at the bar "what will you have sir "Just a beer" the ghoul gave him the beer for 5 caps
"The names gob were do you come from". As soon as gob said that the person who looked like the owner spoke out saying "gob shut up and Take care of the drinks you rotting piece of crap"! "yes sir " Mark guest that gob was a slave and didn't like the way gob was treated so he said "look I am talking to him so piss of". "you must have some balls for talking like that to me boy". Mark and the owner stared at each other when he looked like he was reaching his gun mark pulled out his 44. "smart one aren't you". "I don't screw around old man". "the names Collin". "I don't like the way your treating my friend here". "Well you can have him for 1000 caps" . "you know you can get a new bartender in a heart beet he's worth nothing to you ". mark and Collin looked at each other for about 10 seconds then Collin said "your rite you can have him now get the hell out of my bar. "thanks for getting me away from that ass of a man". "no problem would you like to come with me I am escorting a group of escaped slaves to a safe place". "Sure it's the least I could do".

Mark and gob then heard a scream from the crowd of people then they saw 3 talon co mercs and one had Lila
"come out here and fight merc" said the one holding Lila. " you go rite and I will go and talk to them". Mark then went down and talked to the Talon co mercs "I'm rite here". wile Mark was talking he got a knife out of his pocket and gave a signal to gob to shoot the 2 mercs behind the one that has Lila gob shot them when the merc that had Lila turned to try to shoot Gob Mark flung the knife hitting him in the neck "gotcha" killing the merc on impact with all 3 mercs dead Lila ran over to hug Mark "thank s for killing those savages"! "Its all I could do no we should go before anybody else gets hurt" then Mark got all of the slaves together and introduced them to them to Gob "Gob slaves slaves Gob now we should get to a place called rivet city they haft to take you guys". Mark and his followers then left to rivet City


End of chapter 3

Hows that

Better but it's a new line for every new person that speaks.

all rite thanks