Nobody ever gave a thought as to what his intentions were. For two weeks now, he had resided at the inn, never leaving the building. Foroch didn't mind: the man seemed nice enough. He regularly tipped on food and drinks, and didn't clash with the other regulars at the inn, which was more than Foroch could say for most customers.

Foroch was scrubbing down the tables on a typical Turdas. The inn was empty except for the strange elf that had been renting for several weeks. Foroch glanced over at the far corner of the inn: there he sat, as he had everyday for the past few weeks. A tattered green cloak covered the majority of his body, with a small patch of dark skin peeking out from under his hood. As Foroch was scrubbing the dirty underside of a table, the cloaked elf let out a small sigh. He pushed himself up from the small chair at which he sat and began a methodical walk towards the inkeeper.

Foroch noticed this, placing the dirty cleaning rag on the table. As he watched this elf approach, small flickers up recognition were lighting up in his head. He had seen this mer before, but he couldn't quite place where. His trail of thought was interupted as the Dunmer cleared his throat and spoke in a thick, gravely voice.

"You have provided me with excellent service in the past few weeks. Here, take this," he reached into a small pouch at his waist, and drew forth a bottle of wine. "Tis a bottle of Tamika Vintage 399, there's no better wine in all of Cyrodil. It's the least I could do."

Foroch turned the bottle over in his hands, marveling at the generosity of the Dunmer man. "It was a pleasure serving ye! Please, tell your friends all about your stay."

The Dunmer curled his lips in a smile. "I'll be sure to inform them of this magnificent inn when I get back." With that, the Dunmer turned on his heels, exiting the inn.

Several hours later, Foroch's limp body crashed to the ground. The bottle of wine followed, shattering upon impact. The tainted wine was spreading across the floor of the inn, puddling up in cracks between the wooden panels. The Dunmer was miles away when he sensed the death had occured. His lips curled up in a familiar smile: Lucien would not be disappointed...

Hello I enjoy critiquing intros, especially short ones, so let's get down to business.

First off, one of the pillars of writing is the "Show, don't tell" rule. You tell us all these things about Foroch and his customers- why not just show us a small scene that exemplifies these details and gets some characterization done in the process? It's a bit more wordy, but people like to read it a lot more (trust me, this was the first thing I had to work on when I started here).

You begin to get more into present time with the next few paragraphs, but it would have been better to start that way. Don't insult the reader's intelligence, we can figure certain things out for ourselves. Another thing to avoid is the "infodump"; now, this is just a small one you've presented, but it is there nonetheless.

Now, your dialogue is a little strange here. Everyone always wants to make their assassins the same: courteous, seemingly kind, but really evil on the inside. The best assassin is one that doesn't stick out at all; staying in an inn for weeks without saying a word and then giving the barkeep a bottle of wine is very conspicuous. Why not just stab him in the back? I'm certain there are better ways of getting someone to drink (perhaps wait until there is a party at the inn and hand the barkeep a glass?) Give him some style, some flair- anything to make him stand out. Nothing is worse for a protagonist than a stereotype; the only thing they're good for is the irony when you break them.

The plot itself is fine: just another assassination to the protagonist. However, it might be a better idea to tell us why the man had to die. There are certain things one can do to let us suspect he is an assassin without directly telling us. Give us some of his thoughts or emotions, perhaps a sly smile, just barely unnoticed by the innkeeper. Something to give us some suspense or foreshadowing- it's easier than it sounds, trust me.

The idea for the intro itself is sound, don't get me wrong, but it could be so much better. Add in suspense, irony, foreshadowing, characterization, vivid details- any kind of literary device is a viable alternative to bleak telling of events. Sure, it sounds cool, but do we know any more of this mysterious assassin? No, and that is not what the intro is supposed to leave us with.

I've said it a thousand times: stories are made of more than just plot and awesome scenes. People don't read for plot. Sure, they'll look back on it and say how good it was, but that's not what makes us read the story. You have to have everything in there in order for it to be a success; you can't make a cake with just icing, no matter how good the icing is.

Otherwise, it is a very good story Thanks for writing, and keep it up :goodjob:

Darkom you remind me of an old friend of mine. It's wierd but for some reason I'd like you to critique all my work now. haha.

Ugh, Show, don't tell. Can't it ever show AND tell?

It can, and both are good in moderation. However, it's hard to balance them out well.

Oh, and quite a good story; I was going to make a review, but Darkom pretty much pointed out everything necessary.

Despite enjoying it, I still felt it was very predictable throughout and some of the description/characters came across as rather dry.

Indeed, you can use both. In fact, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Show,_don%27t_tell. However, if you don't want to read the link (wikipedia owns all knowledge, by the way), then here is a brief summary:

According to James Scott Bell, "Sometimes a writer tells as a shortcut, to move quickly to the meaty part of the story or scene. Showing is essentially about making scenes vivid. If you try to do it constantly, the parts that are supposed to stand out won't, and your readers will get exhausted." Showing requires more words; telling may cover a greater span of time more concisely. A novel that contains only showing would be incredibly long; therefore, a narrative can contain some legitimate telling.

Scenes that are important to the story should be dramatized with showing, but sometimes what happens between scenes can be told so the story can make progress.



And I could not agree more. Telling is what leads many stories to moving too fast, and generally poor flow. However, more experienced writers fall into the "too much showing" trap and no one reads their stuff. A fine line to walk, but that's what being an author means


PS Lord Dren, I'd gladly critique all your Tes stuff, but I think it'd be better if you simply took part in the Feyfolken writing contest

I liked this, I couldnt tell where it was going completly. Well when he handed him the wine i took a guess, but... Yep this was good. I havent seen alot of things about the dark brotherhood.

:blink: Really? You haven't seen the hundreds of Dark Brotherhood uber assassin fan fics out there that everyone writes at one point or another? It takes a very skilled writer to pull one off well (I belive Trey did one, didn't he?). Then again, they have seemed to have gone down in popularity... :shrug: Guess this'll have to do

But really, I'm confident in Cheeseburger's ability to make this pretty good (so you'd better not disappoint ) Keep up the good work :goodjob:

Riveting! Don't stop now!





You are absolutely right about that, D.Foxy gave me a good lesson on that exact thing!

I really havent seen alot of things like these. The stories must be as stealthy as the killers themselves

Sorry I haven't replied to your feedback, but don't think I didn't read it! I understand what you mean by the show, don't tell thing (ie show a scene where the Dunmer tips on a drink instead of just saying it). Due to the feedback, I'm just gonna redo the entire thing, using a somewhat different plot, and than edit this and try to incorporate it later in the story.

In case you're wondering, I'm writing about Lucien Lachance's previous silencer. If you remember, when you become a silencer in OB, Lucien Lachance says that his previous silencer was killed fulfilling a contract: this is what my story will be about.

:facepalm:


That's perfectly fine, just let me know if you need anything clarified. Ask questions now to make your next story better

Certainly, when you've only written one scene you have the freedom to start fresh should you so choose. In fact, since it wasn't that long, it's probably for the best. Have fun, and please plan it out to the smallest detail all the way to the end. It feels kind of painstaking and pointless, but trust me, it is well worth it.

Aww, why did you have to tell us? That ruins the whole story

Anyway, keep doing what you're doing :goodjob: