Hi guys im a long time lurker on these fourms and glad to finally be part of the community. I was inspired about a year ago to keep a journal for my character by the charming Acadian and of course his character Buffy. Unlike most tales thougt his did not begin with any kind of adventure but with journey into madness which shaped him into the character that will be revealed in the pages to come. For too long has the narrator of his tales been nervous to post his tale, but now is the time. This will be a brief chapter as it serves only as a introductory and also partially because the narrators six month old child is currently only napping as is the wife. However, I hope you enjoy this brief chapter and I am always open to suggestions and constructive criticism.

Thanks, Gannon

Chapter 1 - More Than I Bargained For

So this is the tale of Vedari, a Breton mage. There is nothing particularly exciting about him as a whole, he is just of average background and holds a position a the mages guild shuffling papers. He was excited when he got his first job in the field however, to investigate a Strange Door in Niben Bay. The Guild had long dismissed these reports, but as panic grew and the high ranking officials patience wore away the Guild was forced to send in the cannon fodder to investigate. This is where our story begins.....

Vedari frowned as the fisherman showed him the small boat he would be riding to the island in. He hated the water, and riding in a rowboat hardly complimented that. He pressed on though, fueled by his determination to be promoted. He thought back on his life to take his mind off the boat. All his life he had been at the bottom. He graduated last in his class at the Arcane Universtiy, never been good at anything requiring athleticisim of any kind, and had an unsucsessful love life that had him frequently visiting the local brothel. He was shaken back to reality though by the gruff fisherman who was poking him with the end of the oar, demanding gold in exchange for his services. Flipping him a coin and stepping foot on the island his excitement was quickly revived. He was actually doing something worthwhile! Vedari let the sense of gratifaction wash over him for a minute then pressed on. After huffing it up a small incline he turned to see a strange sight. A wild looking khajit jumped out of a portal and ran almost off the side of the island screaming and raving about things beyond Vedari's relatively limited comprehension of magic and of office supplies. A guard at the gate tried to communicate with thel lunatic but it was too no avail. Vedari then had a strange occurence. He heard a voice deep within him say "You know what must be done." He did, and slowly but surely he raised his staff.... only to lightly rest it against a tree, so he could open the pocket on his robe and take a swig of gin. He could almost here a voice within him sigh, presumably at this action. Vedari grimaced and began to walk towards the khajit and guard, wondering why he didn't stick to filing papers.

I would also like to briefly ask you to pardon the spelling and grammatical errors, I will correct them in the morning.

Thanks,Gannon

Well there isn't enough here really to give an effective critique (that is what you're partially looking for right?), so I suppose I'll just have to wait for the next chapter.

The only advice I can give you, and this is purely my opinion: It all seemed a little rushed. I know it's a journal-type story, so obviously huge amounts of detail won't be going into it, but one second he was on a boat thinking about his bad love-life (boy I've been there :laugh: ) and the next thing I new it, he was on the island with a Khajiit coming out of a gate. I actually re-read the sentence three times to make sure I didn't skip a line or two.

Other than that opinion, can't wait to see the next chapter.

@BladeMaster07 I agree the first chapter was rushed and thanks for the comment. I copied it straight from my notebook which may be why that was so. Anyway here is chapter two, and I think it is much better than the first.

Chapter 2 - Tea With Insanity

As Vedari walked toward the odd khajit he finally took notice of his surroundings, which after the events he had witnessed seemed odd. The bark of trees was peeling in odd patterns as if it was affected by a alterior force, and the grass surrounding him almost seemed to fluctuate between different shades of green. The portal was also strange, almost ..... beyond description, for it was as if it represented all of man's insanity and both the reality and imagination that could lead into it, all through a simple display of swirling colors. All Vedari's regrets and sorrows seem to wash over him as he looke into the portal, but through sheer willpower he looked away, with only a shiver down his spine. So distracted was he by his surroundings he almost bumped into the guard desperately trying to communicate with the khajit who was ranting about how he could fly away anytime he wanted to. Vedari took the guard in for a second and noticed how he almost looked as frightened as the khajit, who was now desperately flapping his arms. He also notice the dried blood and cracks on his sword, as well as his armor.

"Vedari Petain, representing the Mages Guild. I am too assist you in the closing of this portal to... where exactly?"

The weary looking guard turned to look at the source of the voice, and as he did whatever small flicker of hope he may have had vanished when he caught sight of the less than sturdy looking Vedari.

"Isn't that your job to figure that out?" He said a irate but relatively friendly voice.

"I uh, yes of course we are definitely investigating that. I was just wondering is you had any further intelligence on the portal." said Vedari who was growing increasingly uncomfortable.

The guard ignored the last question and said "This is the sixth one not of his mind and the rest have not come out."

He had almost forgotten about the voice he had heard in his head earlier. Now he could have sworn he heard it chuckle.

"How many have gone in?" inquired Vedari with a look of growing anxiety.

The guard simply pointed to a rock not far to his left as he gently shook the khajit. A disturbing amout of tallies had been scratched into the rock as well as a star. He didnt bother to count them, he knew it was alot.

"What is the star?" He asked not really wanting to know the answer.

Th guard stopped shaking the khajit and stood up.

"A imperial patrol." The guard said with a grimace

"They...."

The guard fell dead at Vedari's feet.

"I'm a vulture!" The khajit said disturbingly unfazed. He had torn the guards throat out with his teeth. He then looked at Vedari expectantly.

Vedari, as if guided by divine force used the only dangerous spell he knew. He lit the khajit on fire using a spell his mom had taught him to cook with. The khajit ran wildly around, ignoring the burning fur that was melting off his body like candlewax. After running around for almost a full minute a creature no longer recognizable as a khajit jumped off the side of the cliff with a final "I can fly!" For a disgusting second Vedari thought of the exotic roasted lion meat he had once tasted, but he shook the thought from his head. He suddenly knew that he had to go into the portal, which now seemed open to him. With a final look around the charred, halucenogenic island, he stepped through the portal. The voice within him snorted and said "About time!" Vedari ignored the voice, for among all the crazy things that had happened that day he had to believe it of all things was a figment of his imagination. He looked around the room, taking in his surroundings. It was well lit but that was hardly the most distinctive feature he noticed. All around him the walls were changing, showing realms beyond even the mortal world and Oblivion, though those were also represente. All were images of people suffering from every type of insanity possible. The voice in his head chimed in with "Nice wallpaper." but otherwise stayed quiet, as if it was also mesmerized by the walls.

"Please, have a seat." said a man who had just seemed to have walked out of the wall.

The man was tall and fair skinned. He was bald as well, suggesting he was aged, but it was hard to tell. The clothing he was wearing stoll the show though it was a long red trenchcoat with what appeared to be a white ring of cloth protruding at least a foot form his neck which looked somewhat akin to a soggy daisy. The voice in Vedari's head seemed to be chuckling again as it said "Hell of a fashion sense." This was so unexpected that Vedari had to surpress a chuckle. After looking the man over however he accepted the mans offer of a seat.

"I will keep this brief, for I have many like you to....process. You are now in the Shivering Isles, domain of our Lord Sheogorath. He seeks a mortal champion to solve his many problems. You are currently in The Fringe however so you must earn your acsses farther into his realm. Thank you for applying as you are such a special case. I am sure you will suceed, and my name is Haskill by the way."

He then walked over to the wall as if preparing to exit the he stopped and smiled.

"Oh, and I do believe my fashion sense, as you call it, is fine." He said and then left through the wall.

He could almost feel the voice was as shocked as he was, but they only had time to share this moment for a minute, as the wall began to melt away. On looking upon the landscape, painfully aware of how cliche it was, Vedari gulped. The voice in his head, after recovering from his shock of being heard by Haskill said "You might want to take another sip of your gin." Vedari happily obliged.

Well, first of all I must apologize for the general lack of reception your story has recieved. I wish I could say it was unusual, but there aren't quite as many readers here as there used to be. Thankfully, I humbly consider myself somewhat of a critic, and would be more than happy to offer my advice on your fine story. But before I get into anything potentially distressing (and I apologize in advance if my criticism is too harsh), let me welcome you to our little corner of the forum, it is wonderful to have you here :foodndrink:

Now then, on to the actual reviewing First of all, I find there is a certain humor in your tale that I find absolutely refreshing. From the ferryman poking our less than intrepid hero with the butt of his oar to the anticlimactic swig of gin after the dramatic staff raise, I found myself chuckling along with your mysterious voice. I hope you shall not lose that subtle humor as the story goes on :thumbsup:

I also must congratulate you on the realism of your character. While most writers have the urge to create shining knights or ruthless assassins, you have managed to create an average joe mage, who seems to belong in a cubicle more than the Isles He is consistent as well as believable, and except for a few minor things, I thoroughly enjoyed him as a character.

However, you didn't write this just to hear about all the stuff I liked in it; I would assume you want to know all the things you can fix as well. And since I now know you aren't one of the many twelve year olds that blow up at the merest hint of criticism that frequent here, I would also assume you do not mind me being entirely honest with my efforts to correct a few things. Some of them are mere clerical errors, no more than typos or grammatical mistakes, while there are a few things that I think you could work on with your writing style. The former are easy to learn and easier to correct, but the latter will only come with practice and repeated critiques.

So, to start with, there are multiple simply grammatical errors within your story, most of which can be found simply by putting it into MS Word and hitting spellcheck. I won't go into every single one, but some simple editing should reveal a few; just read plenty of good books and actively strive to correct mistakes, and grammar will come naturally.

Another minor thing that can be easily corrected is your paragraph structure and spacing. By this I mean you seem to have quite a few thoughts stuffed into single paragraphs, especially in the first chapter. I agree that your second chapter is much better than your first, but this is still a problem. The first paragraph in the second chapter should probably be broken up after the shiver down his spine, and the next big one can probably be broken up either after the "About time!" or the figment of his imagination bit. It makes your writing much more coherent and easier to read, which is a major plus to drawing an audience. Before I read any story, I check to see how big some of the paragraphs are. If they're all a dozen sentences long, or if the sentences have about eight commas, I probably won't even read it.

Next is a bit more of a stylistic thing, involving your method of description. This is something I repeat with every critique I make, and it's something every writer should know: the old phrase, "Show, don't tell." By this I mean that when you describe a setting, character, or action to us, you should actively try to "show" us what you are describing. Showing means painting a picture with words, going into detail that makes us feel like we're there. I know you said it was more of a journal, but unless you have actual journal entries, I would still say you should show more.

Showing differs from telling in that telling is just listing things as they go by. The main difference is in the adjectives and adverbs that you embellish the story with. I could tell you, "Bob was fighting a dragon. The dragon attacked him, but missed. He killed it by cutting of its head."

Or, I could show you, "Bob drew his gleaming sword, ready to face the mighty dragon. The beast's long fangs glistened in its snapping jaws, the blood of old warriors still staining its fearsome maw. The dragon pounced, letting off an earsplitting shriek as Bob dove away from the beast. Crying out the name of his lost love, Bob rose his sword and, with all his strength, brought the blade down on the creature's neck. The dragon cried out one final time as Bob stood, covered in the beast's black blood, raising his sword in triumph."

Now, those are both quite obviously extreme examples, but you get my point. Showing is much more engaging than telling. However, telling obviously takes up less space, and can save the reader from boring details. When you need to kind of skip past something to reach the actual story, tell about it to summarize something the reader doesn't really need to know. When you want to make the reader sit up and say, "Wow," then show them your more important scenes. Anton Chekhov put it best when he said, "Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass."

Also, on a really unrelated note, I was kind of shocked when the guard just dropped dead then and there, with no explanation. At least have the Khajiit kill him or something, don't just say, "He dropped dead." It kind of ruined my suspension of disbelief :confused:

Okay, that was the bulk of what I wanted to say, so let me finish with one last tip: if you take the time to create such a likeable character, don't have him make big decisions without thinking about them, just to satisfy the plot. The biggest flaw I saw in your story was how he just stepped into the gate without thinking it over. He saw what happened to those that went in, and he doesn't really seem like the courageous hero type. I was really expecting some kind of refusal of the call, or at least a bit of an internal debate. If you want to make him the reluctant hero, he has to actually be reluctant I think if you used the Strange Voice a bit more forcibly, persuading him to enter despite his doubts, I would feel a lot more empathy for the character. The whole point of making a likeable character is building sympathy (the reader likes him, and doesn't want to see him die) and empathy (the reader understands what he's going through, and feels for him as a person). Just think about it; I think it would definitely help your story if you made this a bit more of a major decision.

There are a few more things, but I am running out of space and time, so I'll leave you with those things to ponder for now. Remember, paragraph spacing, showing instead of telling, and believable characters. You're doing a really good job so far, but I think if you worked on those three things a bit more, it could really be a memorable Shivering Isles story

Thank you so much for writing, it really was an enjoyable and intriguing tale, please keep up the good work :goodjob:

PS If you want to check out another really good SI tale, take a look at FC4's http://www.gamesas.com/index.php?/topic/854633-manic-dementia/page__hl__manic+dementia. Thanks again, keep it up

I would really like to read more chapters of your story:)

@Darkom95 Thanks for the critque it is greatly appreciated and I definitely agree with the part about reinforcing his non-hero personality.

@Merari Thanks for the read.

Hey guys thanks for all the feedback, sorry I had to take a little break for the holidays, and I have had a long week so my next big update is delayed until tomorrow or Wednesday, but here is a little backstory to the tale. Theses are memories of days not so long ago.

"The boy is strong minded but not special." Said the man in grey.

"Then what good is he to us, we need someone who can truly excel in the role we need." Said a man near the corner who was hidden by shadow.

"That is the exact opposite of we need, this is someone who we can mold to our will." Said the man in grey.

"No Sha'ki, I want someone well, like me." Said the shadow man.

"You always were a cocky bastard." Said Sha'ki.

"Maybe, but I always got the job done and kept him in line." Said the man in the shadows.

"Yet look where we are now." Said Sha'ki.

"I can't help that which time causes, we need new blood and looking at him, I am obviously going to be the brains of the operation." Said the shadow man with a tone implying that he was very frustrated.

"You know I was not referring to your physical form...." Said Sha'ki with a equally argumentative tone.

The man in the shadows cut him off "You know we can not interfere in such a way."

"I know, and it was foolish of me to suggest otherwise. It is just so frustrating." Sha'ki said, his voice quivering with either fear or frustration.

"It is fine, but it is only a few more years wait. We will be ready." The man in the shadows said before walking off into a alleyway with Sha'ki.