This is a story I made about a group of people trapped in an Old police station, while attempting to escape. All the while, trying to stop ghouls from eating them.


Chapter 1

It had only been a few days, yet it felt like years, as Kyle walked down the red-tinted hallway of the station, on his way to talk to the station's leader. The ghouls had breached the garage entrance and had nearly reached the hall before they were stopped by the rag-tag group of defenders. . They had barricaded the door from the service hall to the rest of the station, but they were running out of places to fall back too. Along his way he decided to check on a few men. The red tint was really bugging him and he would see if he could just cut it off, it didn't help much anyway. John was still watching the main entrance, he had been awake for nearly 48 hours but he insisted on holding his post.

"Hey man, how you holding up?" Kyle said

He didn't say anything and kept looking at his book, Kyle shook him and he jumped, startled.

"[censored] man, I almost pissed myself! I got plugs in my ears, I can't stand the scratching and moaning anymore"

"John, go to the beat room, you need the rest, if you keep like this were gonna have to carry you out"

As Kyle walked away John muttered "Were all stuck here anyway and you know it"

He climbed the steps, passing windows patched up with anything they had. Some of the windows still had the legs of furniture sticking out.

"I'll have to fix that on my way back " he thought and then chuckled.

For some reason that was funny to him, he was tired and everything was weighing down on him. He entered what was left of the chief's office. Most of the furnishings were nailed to the station by know. Just as Nate began to speak, there was a sound of splintering wood and gunshots. The two quickly ran to the stairs.

Chapter 1, Part 2

Kyle and Nate quickly descended the old wooden staircase, the stairs creaking loudly beneath their pounding feet. They nearly pushed Nicole off the old wooden Bannister of the Stairway as they arrived in the lobby. Will was already there, shotgun in hand, with a incoherently babbling John who was waving his handgun around. We quickly told Will to get the handgun away from John, which he did with little trouble. After John was quieted down we finally got him to go to the Beat Officers room, our main living area. After the room was quiet again, we could still hear the faint scratching and moaning of the determined ghouls as they tried to break in, for the last three weeks now. Knowing we couldn't leave the front door unwatched we ask for a volunteer to watch it, and Claire stepped up. She was dead tired, just like the rest of us, but she was still as happy and cheerful as ever.

I took notice of our current group, John had begun to crack after nearly three weeks of non-stop fighting in the city and the station so he had to rest for awhile. Larry's arm was still heavily bandaged and was torn up pretty good, while Tanya had broken a leg when the ghouls broke through the Garage. Isaac had come down with some type of illness mainly from the cold while spending a lot of the time on the Helipad. Two more of us were always station by the makeshift garage barricades, while another two watched the Helipad and the perimeter. this coupled with the exhausted John and Marvin left us with six able-bodied defenders.

Later that day I finally got Nate to agree to have a meeting, about potentially breaking out, tomorrow morning.....

Chapter 1, Part 3


I barely slept during the night even though I had finally cut the dim red emergency lighting. That morning I hoped out of a police cot we had taken from the holding cell. It was fitting, we were prisoners in this place with our undead "guards" just waiting for us to make a break for it. After grabbing some coffee from the beat room, the one abundant resource left in the damn station, I went to the main office. Larry had just finished patching up the station's loudspeaker system, and I planned on testing it out. I thumbed down the transmitter and in a a crackly tone I called everyone down to the press room. Nate and I spread all the information we had over the large oak table we had saved from the fire that had first engulfed the station when we had found it. We had gathered information for the last three weeks from Television and Radio Broadcasts and the Internet, though I was a little wary of the last source.

The first to arrive was Will, a cop who had stayed behind to protect the last group that had taken refuge in this infernal place. Marvin and Jill, the two survivors who had just found us last week before the zombie ring had closed in around us, arrived soon after. Tanya hobbled in, with a carved 2 by 4 for a crutch, supported by Claire. The two had become almost sister like, always happy and talking like nothing was wrong. Jim, our mechanic and sniper arrived followed by Nicole and finally Isaac. Our tired rag-tag group gathered around the edges of burnt table, as I let Nate explain his idea on what we should do. He hoped someone, army or police, would eventually arrive. We couldn't hold out much longer, our ability to scavenge hampered by the amount of Ghouls closing in around us.

After Nate "pitched" his Idea, I went to the map and said "Look where we are, too many people around and that was before the war"

"We have to get out of here, before any more show up" I said, hoping to strike a chord with the survivors tired of sitting around.

"We should go Southwest, skirting the remains of Pittsburgh, and try to reach West Virginia"

Most of the group like this idea, though Nate insisted we hold out. After everyone else agreed we should break out soon, Nate reluctantly agreed. I asked Marvin, the group's unofficial cook to tell us of our food situation.

"Well as you know, we got enough water to flood this whole city" Marvin said, with a slight smirk but his face turned grave when he said "Now food is a different story, we ain't got much of any left, except those damn coffee grounds"

Knowing even if we could scavenge, getting back would be too dangerous, so we decided we would leave tomorrow morning...

Chapter 1, Part 4

I awoke early the next morning because I was excited, though I hated to put it that way. John was still silent as he ate across from Tanya and Claire. I called for everyone to begin to gather every supply they could find and move it to the Garage Hallway. Then I called everyone back together in the Press room and told them how we would get out of the station. We couldn't just walk our way out of here so we needed a ride. I would've preferred trucks but the two squad cars and a police SUV would have to work. Will would take the bulk of our group and firepower and retake the garage without harming the cars after my group had distracted the bulk of the ghouls away from the station. My group would exit into city on the Helipad Stairwell and find a way to start a loud, continuous noise.

We were low on weapons and ammo so my group wouldn't take more then a handgun and a clip. I asked for two volunteers, Jill and Marvin stepped forward. They were fast runners and could fire a gun decently. Jim, sitting on the Helipad armed with a radio and a sniper rifle would be the go-between for the two groups. After I made sure everyone knew what to do, I took my group to the Helipad. As I opened the door, sunlight flooded in for the first time in a few weeks. Jim took up a position to cover us and handed me a pair of Binoculars to search for something to make a [censored]load of noise. In front of a dusty warehouse I spotted a truck, an old peterbilt, and decided that it would work. Half crouched we began to work our way down the stairs, trying to stay hidden for as long as possible. When we reached the inner fence, a few ghouls lurched towards us, I opened the gate and we slipped into the street. This part of the station wasn't very populated by the undead and we easily dispatched the few undead who got too close. When we got to the street, we began a full out run to the truck dodging broken down cars and debris on our way.

The four or so zombies near the truck were quickly brought down, and we got to work. I told Marvin to try to set off the alarm of a nearby white sedan while I got to work on the truck. As I neared the cab I could tell something wasn't right, a rank stench coming from the inside of the cab. I opened the cab, handgun at the ready, and found an awful site. The whole interior was soaked with blood and gore while half an arm sat on the floor. I couldn't look away at this gruesome sight, unable to move as I heard Jim yelling on the radio. I heard a quick rifle shot and felt blood splattered all over my side shaking me from my trance. I turned around ready to fire, almost hoping there was a zombie when I saw the driver, or his remains lying on the broken street with one round through his head....

Chapter 1, Part 5

I got on the radio and thanked Jim for the save, my voice unsure and scared. I though to myself that I couldn't die, especially right now, we needed to get out of here. I opened the cab of the old truck again and clambered up inside, not wanting to be surprised again. I took the horn cable of the truck and tied it down, emitting a continuous noise. I heard a shot and quickly turned around to see Marvin standing over the sedan's trunk, which had been bloodied by a stowaway ghoul. After he taped down the horn and started the horn, I told Jim to get Will to start his attack. As the zombie slowly drifted towards us you could hear the muffled gunshots from the garage. When we heard the large metal garage gate close, we started back. The way we came was now filled with the undead, so we would have to go around before they caught on.

We moved to the right, behind some apartment buildings, and encountered a good amount of the undead. Not wanting to get in a fight I rammed into the rotten door of the apartments and we ran up two flights of stairs. When we got to the top, I told Jill and Marvin
"Ok guys, once we get to the next apartment we will be fine, just watch the doors, it's a tight hallway"

We started off good, Marvin and I clearing each door before we continued, but when we heard the moans of the first ghouls getting to the busted down door Jill freaked. She began to run, full speed, down the hall as we yelled for her to wait. She wasn't almost to the roof when she tripped, as an arm flew out of a door pulling her in. Marvin took of down the hall as I followed right behind. Jill's gun had been flung down the hall, and the arm that pulled here into the room wasn't alive. Marvin arrived too late, he killed the zombie but Jill was a goner. It had taken a good bite out of her leg. She was crying in pain as I told her "Am sorry sweaty but you know whats going to happen"

A few tears trickled down my dirty, sweaty face as Marvin put her out of her misery.

Bravo very good please continue!

A good story, but it's dreadfully hard to read because of many grammar mistakes. I won't sugarcoat it, there are a lot of them. I don't know how old you are, nor do I know what level of education/writing skill you have, so I will simply point out what I think needs to be pointed out.

First off, your dialogue needs a lot of work. You are not using any punctuation correctly with your dialogue, and some times you are putting dialogue tags inside the quotes themselves. I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about:



There are several things wrong with this, but let me start by congratulating you on the use of the censored word, whatever it may be. Some people don't feel curse words should be used in a story, but I am the opposite. There are certain situations where cussing blends in very well with the environment and all of that sort of stuff.

However, there are still several things wrong with what I quoted above. Firstly, you separated that character's speech into two different dialogue pieces. Why? The two middle quotation marks need to go, and replace them with a single exclamation mark that goes in between 'myself' and 'I', where 'I' starts a new sentce. (I say exclamation mark and NOT a period because the former describes the situation better, since the character is cussing and is likely yelling because he was so startled) Secondly, in the second part of the speech that comma isn't used correctly, nor should it be used at all. If I were you I would replace it with 'because'. And lastly, you need a period at the very end in before the quotation mark, because that ends the speech.

Now, after all that has been said, let me give you an example on a correct way to write that quoted speech:

"[censored] man, I almost pissed myself! I got plugs in my ears because I can't stand the scratching and moaning anymore."

Now...you have similar troubles with almost all of your dialogue, but I won't go through every single one. If you have anymore questions on this, just let me know.

And this is something else I saw that caught my attention:



The 'he thought' should be placed outside of the quotation marks. And also, I prefer when thoughts are italicized, that way your reader can easily determine thought from direct speech. You don't HAVE to do that, but I figured I might as well mention it.



Something else that irked me was the end of the chapter. I would presume this Nate is the Chief, correct? I knew from actually reading back a couple of times, but you never specifically say that Nate is the Chief. There are times when some things can be left obvious to where the reader should be able to figure it out, but this was a tad bit awkward to me.

In closing, I thought it was waaaaaay too short. And even though I am biased when it comes to length, this is too short no matter what. Perhaps you could make your following chapters at least three times longer or so? I think that would benefit everyone.

Good story, but work on what I just said. I hope that helped.

lol you sound like you think you know everything................ knobody apreciates your tips bye thinking you know how to fix it, plus you said way to short, he said chap. 1 so expect chap. 2

I thought his input was very helpful....

I second that...
On my read through I didnt even notice the errors.
I was kinda drawn in by the story too much to notice, however these are good pointers.

Its really good I would love to read more chapters.

Perfect Grammar does not make a Good Story.
But without Good Grammar you cannot make a Perfect Story.

I see nothing wrong with redsrock input.

I am not too good at english class and I didn't check this over the best.


My mid-term tomorrow also deals with Dialogue, writing and the such so that will help.

Personally, I think Red did a good job. No point criticising unless you're going to help. It's nice that he took the time to offer a hand.


EDIT; Gave it another read through, here's my view;

This part is mainly personally, but I generally dislike stories that have a lot of seperated talking, E.G.

"Hey man." Said Fred.
"How's it going?" Replied John.

It makes it seem like a play and for me, it stops the flow...But that's my personal opinion.
Fred strolled over to John and lended over to him. "Hey man." Said Fred. John turned his head, looking up to Fred. "How's it going?" Replied John.

I prefer sentences like that, but like I said, personal opinion.

Well, other than that there is some good writing in their. In my opinion, I think you should considering re-reading what you've written out-loud. Trust me, it helps a lot.

Peterbilt asked me to comment on his story, and that is what I did. I don't claim to know everything, nor do I claim what I posted is 100% correct. But for future reference, if you're going to criticize someone, be sure to have a dictionary nearby.

Not that bad. A little difficult to read though.

The Last Answering Archon

I should have Chapter Two up sometime tomorrow. (I'll finish editing Chapter 1 as well)

Heres' a small pic of the Layout of the station. I can never really get the layout from reading a story so.......


http://i376.photobucket.com/albums/oo207/specter02147/PDLAYOUT.jpg

Sweet. That'll help a lot.

Now i'm starting to see why little response on Beast of Burden is a good thing.

:)...seems neg. crit gets the most time, which is good...however, writing is something...you need to learn over many, many years.

Huh?

neg. crit is negative criticism.

EDIT: Bulletscratch- Thats cool and all but if you comment I wouldn't mind if you posted your opinion.

And here we go four months later.... Part 2



Kyle and Nate quickly descended the old wooden staircase, the stairs creaking loudly beneath their pounding feet. They nearly pushed Nicole off the old wooden Bannister of the Stairway as they arrived in the lobby. Will was already there, shotgun in hand, with a incoherently babbling John who was waving his handgun around. We quickly told Will to get the handgun away from John, which he did with little trouble. After John was quieted down we finally got him to go to the Beat Officers room, our main living area. After the room was quiet again, we could still hear the faint scratching and moaning of the determined ghouls as they tried to break in, for the last three weeks now. Knowing we couldn't leave the front door unwatched we ask for a volunteer to watch it, and Claire stepped up. She was dead tired, just like the rest of us, but she was still as happy and cheerful as ever.

I took notice of our current group, John had begun to crack after nearly three weeks of non-stop fighting in the city and the station so he had to rest for awhile. Larry's arm was still heavily bandaged and was torn up pretty good, while Tanya had broken a leg when the ghouls broke through the Garage. Isaac had come down with some type of illness mainly from the cold while spending a lot of the time on the Helipad. Two more of us were always station by the makeshift garage barricades, while another two watched the Helipad and the perimeter. this coupled with the exhausted John and Marvin left us with six able-bodied defenders.

Later that day I finally got Nate to agree to have a meeting, about potentially breaking out, tomorrow morning.....

GREAT premise and beginning. I like the scenario and this story has a lot of potential.

Grammar is something we all can work on but that just takes practice. Your creativity and efforts, however, are very promising. Looking forward to the next installment.

Part 3

I barely slept during the night even though I had finally cut the dim red emergency lighting. That morning I hoped out of a police cot we had taken from the holding cell. It was fitting, we were prisoners in this place with our undead "guards" just waiting for us to make a break for it. After grabbing some coffee from the beat room, the one abundant resource left in the damn station, I went to the main office. Larry had just finished patching up the station's loudspeaker system, and I planned on testing it out. I thumbed down the transmitter and in a a crackly tone I called everyone down to the press room. Nate and I spread all the information we had over the large oak table we had saved from the fire that had first engulfed the station when we had found it. We had gathered information for the last three weeks from Television and Radio Broadcasts and the Internet, though I was a little wary of the last source.

The first to arrive was Will, a cop who had stayed behind to protect the last group that had taken refuge in this infernal place. Marvin and Jill, the two survivors who had just found us last week before the zombie ring had closed in around us, arrived soon after. Tanya hobbled in, with a carved 2 by 4 for a crutch, supported by Claire. The two had become almost sister like, always happy and talking like nothing was wrong. Jim, our mechanic and sniper arrived followed by Nicole, Larry and finally Isaac. Our tired rag-tag group gathered around the edges of burnt table, as I let Nate explain his idea on what we should do. He hoped someone, army or police, would eventually arrive. We couldn't hold out much longer, our ability to scavenge hampered by the amount of Ghouls closing in around us.

After Nate "pitched" his Idea, I went to the map and said "Look where we are, too many people around and that was before the war"

"We have to get out of here, before any more show up" I said, hoping to strike a chord with the survivors tired of sitting around.

"We should go Southwest, skirting the remains of Pittsburgh, and try to reach West Virginia"

Most of the group like this idea, though Nate insisted we hold out. After everyone else agreed we should break out soon, Nate reluctantly agreed. I asked Marvin, the group's unofficial cook to tell us of our food situation.

"Well as you know, we got enough water to flood this whole city" Marvin said, with a slight smirk but his face turned grave when he said "Now food is a different story, we ain't got much of any left, except those damn coffee grounds"

Knowing even if we could scavenge, getting back would be too dangerous, so we decided we would leave tomorrow morning...


OPINIONS, GOOD OR BAD, I WOULD LIKE THEM

Part 4

I awoke early the next morning because I was excited, though I hated to put it that way. John was still silent as he ate across from Tanya and Claire. I called for everyone to begin to gather every supply they could find and move it to the Garage Hallway. Then I called everyone back together in the Press room and told them how we would get out of the station. We couldn't just walk our way out of here so we needed a ride. I would've preferred trucks but the two squad cars and a police SUV would have to work. Will would take the bulk of our group and firepower and retake the garage without harming the cars after my group had distracted the bulk of the ghouls away from the station. My group would exit into city on the Helipad Stairwell and find a way to start a loud, continuous noise.

We were low on weapons and ammo so my group wouldn't take more then a handgun and a clip. I asked for two volunteers, Jill and Marvin stepped forward. They were fast runners and could fire a gun decently. Jim, sitting on the Helipad armed with a radio and a sniper rifle would be the go-between for the two groups. After I made sure everyone knew what to do, I took my group to the Helipad. As I opened the door, sunlight flooded in for the first time in a few weeks. Jim took up a position to cover us and handed me a pair of Binoculars to search for something to make a [censored]load of noise. In front of a dusty warehouse I spotted a truck, an old peterbilt, and decided that it would work. Half crouched we began to work our way down the stairs, trying to stay hidden for as long as possible. When we reached the inner fence, a few ghouls lurched towards us, I opened the gate and we slipped into the street. This part of the station wasn't very populated by the undead and we easily dispatched the few undead who got too close. When we got to the street, we began a full out run to the truck dodging broken down cars and debris on our way.

The four or so zombies near the truck were quickly brought down, and we got to work. I told Marvin to try to set off the alarm of a nearby white sedan while I got to work on the truck. As I neared the cab I could tell something wasn't right, a rank stench coming from the inside of the cab. I opened the cab, handgun at the ready, and found an awful site. The whole interior was soaked with blood and gore while half an arm sat on the floor. I couldn't look away at this gruesome sight, unable to move as I heard Jim yelling on the radio. I heard a quick rifle shot and felt blood splattered all over my side shaking me from my trance. I turned around ready to fire, almost hoping there was a zombie when I saw the driver, or his remains lying on the broken street with one round through his head....

I'll just leave any criticisms in redsrock's most capable hands, just in case he comes back to look at this. I'll only say one thing, really, and that's that this seems rather short. About... Five-hundred words or less per part. Unless all the parts posted most recently are all one chapter, in which case ignore me.

Yeah, all the posts are chapter one, I didn't label the individual posts the best.

Chapter 1, Part 5

I got on the radio and thanked Jim for the save, my voice unsure and scared. I thought to myself that I couldn't die, especially right now, we needed to get out of here. I opened the cab of the old truck again and clambered up inside, not wanting to be surprised again. I took the horn cable of the truck and tied it down, emitting a continuous noise. I heard a shot and quickly turned around to see Marvin standing over the sedan's trunk, which had been bloodied by a stowaway ghoul. After he taped down the horn and started the horn, I told Jim to get Will to start his attack. As the zombie slowly drifted towards us you could hear the muffled gunshots from the garage. When we heard the large metal garage gate close, we started back. The way we came was now filled with the undead, so we would have to go around before they caught on.

We moved to the right, behind some apartment buildings, and encountered a good amount of the undead. Not wanting to get in a fight I rammed into the rotten door of the apartments and we ran up two flights of stairs. When we got to the top, I told Jill and Marvin
"Ok guys, once we get to the next apartment we will be fine, just watch the doors, it's a tight hallway"

We started off good, Marvin and I clearing each door before we continued, but when we heard the moans of the first ghouls getting to the busted down door Jill freaked. She began to run, full speed, down the hall as we yelled for her to wait. She wasn't almost to the roof when she tripped, as an arm flew out of a door pulling her in. Marvin took of down the hall as I followed right behind. Jill's gun had been flung down the hall, and the arm that pulled here into the room wasn't alive. Marvin arrived too late, he killed the zombie but Jill was a goner. It had taken a good bite out of her leg. She was crying in pain as I told her "Am sorry sweety but you know whats going to happen"

A few tears trickled down my dirty, sweaty face as Marvin put her out of her misery.

The first to go...

Good story. This one, Fuzzydooms, and lavanoth are the only ones im reading.

This [censored] is already on page 3, I'll finish up chapter one tonight.

My only question is: Why did you put Chapter 1 in parts. Why not break it up, and make it larger? But that doesn't really bother me, I'm just curious.

Good story by the way. A little confusing at some moments, but its good.