Alright,my first one was just a quick write up of the story,a trailer if you will.Heres where it starts,heres where it begins


Part one

I was born into a tribal family,we lived far north,far from New Vegas,far from civilization.I never could have expected that my tribe would die within a few years after i became a hunter.After the water ran out,I left to go to New Vegas,the city where riches were won...and lost in a blink of an eye.As i traveled,i ran into some unique figures,like a super mutant caravan,the leader was nice,he handed me a duffel bag full of supplies that would last me about a month.When i reached the Mojave,the first thing i saw was a tower,a tower glowing in the distance.As i followed it,i reached a place called Jacobstown,a very mysterious place,run by a man named Marcus,i stayed there for the night,but i soon left.When i made it to the Gates of Freeside,a King stopped me,he told me to hand over all my caps,i grabbed him by his collar and threw him toward his friends,who were too scared to say a word.I continued my way toward The strip's gate,a man with the NCR soon stopped me,he asked me if I would like to join,i told him sure,if the pays good,i thought it was a store or a Caravan,i didn't know at the time that it was a country.When he took me to a place called Camp Golf,i was given a week of BCT.I made it out of there with the rank of CPL. I was then shipped to Camp Forlorn Hope,i made a friend there,Captain Waters,he was my squad leader too,he led us into battles at No-mans land.One day,thought,the Captain didn't return from his trip to No-Mans land,our CO,Major Polatli registered him as MIA,or Missing in Action.Later that same day,we got reports that the legion,who had brokered a deal with the boomers,had gotten their hands on Artillery,about 2 of them the Major said.When we went back to the barracks,we heard artillery firing off,it wasn't headed toward us,but toward the West,to Novac and Helios one.

To be Continued.

Alright, time for a quick review.

Do not post a separate topic for every time you start a new passage in the story, keep your story within the same thread to avoid spamming. If you want each passage to be easily found, then a make a table of contents.

Short. Unless this is a poem of some sorts, I suggest waiting until you have a page length something or at least a few paragraphs. Which brings me to...

Break it up, chunks of writing are a turn off every five sentences or so break up the text, speaking of which...

Capitalize your "i"'s. One of the hugest nuisance in this writing, it just distracts us from the overall story, messes up with the flow. Just like your...

Commas! You use them waaayyyy too much. Plus you need a space after every comma, just look how mushed together that writing is. It makes horrible run on sentences, and just looks ugly, learn when and how to use them properly. Or decently.

Numbers one through ten your write out, nothing more to say to that.

Dictation. Your use of words, do not repeat the same word in a single sentence, ever. It is redundant and boring. If needed bring up a thesaurus to spice up the sentences.

Detail! This story is too dry and plain right now, your trying to go to fast and you just need to slow down. He was from a tribe, wow cool. But wait, he has just gotten a duffel bag? Really? Is that relevant, doesn't matter where in the Mojave now. Ohh, a mysterious place ran by super mutants, that should be interesting. Well too bad, cause we're leaving.

It just happens too fast, don't be afraid to slow down and explain the situation, we want to see what you see. Show us with your words. Understand? I'll offer example if not.

Anyway, it was interesting, with a nice cliffhanger, but you should try to work on the things mentioned above.

Good Luck.