Neekum-Kai woke in his room in the West Weald Inn. "It's too hot today" he muttered to himself while longing for a dip in the cool lagoons of his homeland of Argonia. Neekum-Kai equipped his leather armour (along with his custom fitted boots and helm), laid his weapons out on the bed and selected an ebony dagger, 10 silver throwing stars, an elven bow, and a handful of glass arrows. He started out the door before remembering he would possibly need some extra firepower, today of all days. He grabbed Chameleon, Silence and Paralysis scrolls and left the room.

The red-scaled Argonian took a deep breath and walked down the stairs to the bar. He exchanged false pleasantries with with the other patrons, scoffed down a quick breakfast of bread and cheese and walked out the inn door to a gloriously sunny Skingrad morning. As he walked towards the castle, he crossed paths with the local wine grower, Tamika. "Why, hello stranger" she said. "I'm Tamika. I grow the finest wines in all Cyrodiil. Try some" she offered, producing a flask from her pocket. "Perhaps some other time" answered Neekum-Kai with a curt nod. This was no time to drink. There was work to be done.

Neekum-Kai worked for the Order Of the Virtuous Blood in the Imperial City, a society which vowed to rid Cyrodiil of vampires. Today, this young Argonian had been sent on his most important job in his 3 years working for the Order. He couldn't believe it when his master told him. Count Janus Hassildor of Skingrad is a vampire? Though the Order weren't able to prove he has harmed anyone yet, it was only a mattter of time, and to have such an important position was downright dangerous.

As he approached the castle door, Neekum-Kai was stopped by a lone guard. "Whoa there, fella, I'm afraid only guards are permitted to carry weapons inside the castle. You'll have to hand your stuff over". Neekum-Kai looked around, assessed the risk and decided he had to at least try. There was no way he was getting to the Count with no weapons. Neekum-Kai, realising he hadn't answered in 10 seconds, slowly looked at the guard and flashed a toothy grin. "But of course, friend". He handed the guard his bow. The guard turned to place the bow into a chest, and that's when Neekum-Kai struck. His ebony dagger pierced the guard's neck with such swift, brutal efficiency that no-one could possibly have been alerted. He cast an illusion spell on the corpse and moved it well out of the usual walking paths. The chameleon spell was weak, but the guard was well hidden and the spell wouldn't wear off for at least an hour. With a click of his fingers, Neekum-Kai used telekinesis to retrieve his bow from the still-open chest, and cloaked his weapons with the same chameleon spell. He slapped himself on the face, angry at his stupidity. Not even 9 in the morning and already had the blood of a guard on his hands. By the gods, this'll be a long day, he thought...




To be continued...

So, what are your thoughts? I just spent about an hour on this today, and I'd like a little feedback to see am I on the right track.

I'd have to say it shows... I think you need to reword it. Ontop of that the plot isn't well developed and I think it's quite hurried. I'd suggest that you rewrite what you have so far. You need to give us a better idea of what your character is like, maybe more of an introduction as well. From what you've, written so far, Neekum seems to be entirely and unbendingly focused on his task, you need to show his thoughts more because at the moment he feels zombilike.

If this is harsh, sorry but I think you need to rewrite or at least read through this again, critically. If you wouldn't mind returning the favour, could you have a look at my rp? I can never understand why people don't join...

hmm.. I liked it. At the moment I'm writing a story about a Vampire. Might I incorporate you "Order of the Virtuous Blood" into my fan fic? If you want to read it the link's in my signature. Also Evil Pigeon I thought it was a good start for a story. You can easily picture everything and it flowed well. It might be a tad zombilike as Pigeon said but I thought it was good.

I think it was an overall strong start. You're good at describing things and your grammar is genereally good. But I think for an introduction it was a little to rushed, we know next to nothing about the character. You should show to your readers what he is like, how he feels about certain things etc etc. And I gotta agree with Evil_pigeon to slow it down, you kinda just killed a guard without any problems, is that really what someone would do? I think you should leave the whole killing the count thing until later in the story. Going what I said earlier about your characters personality, you should expain and describe how he would feel about having to kill the count. You wouldn't be like ''Yeah sure okay I'll kill a ruler.'' You said that he was shocked, but that was about it.

Like I said the plot is good and if it was stretched out a little and slowed down it could be a big hit, so yeah well done. Just take on the advice of Evil_pigeon and I and you'll do really well.

I think you say it all with the phrase "As he walked towards the castle he walked towards the castle,"

OK, thanks for the feedback



Thank you. Also, the "Order Of The Virtuous Blood" isn't my idea. It's in Oblivion, so I guess you'd have to check with Bethesda there. :lmao:


Oh and Shades, that was a mistake. Sorry 'bout that

Hmm...yes. The intro leaves him detached and uber from the audience, everything from his equipment to his apparent skill in stealth, magic, and combat makes him too strong. All we know about him is that he hates vampires and joined a group likewise, and that he is super strong. Too little for him to already be embarking on a mission that would put a Dark Brotherhood Speaker to shame.

The Order, as potrayed in Oblivion, is incredibly weak and nowhere near having such a strong member be in them, even the UESP page is condescending. And you have done no work towards indicating otherwise in what you have written so far.

However, your writing is overall good, your character does seem personable, he just isn't utilized in that fashion. He feels more like an assassin than a vampire hunter wannabee from the Imperial City.

As to what the others have said, I agree first with Evil, then Shades ( :rofl: ), then Chriso, and Holy, please don't advertise your Fic here Good work so far, you have potential to make a good story, just think about all the things to avoid.

Good work so far, and keep it up :goodjob:

Soooooo..... Is this going to continue? C'mon it has potential, don't let it die out.

I wasn't advertising. I thought the Order of the Virtous Blood was something that he made up.. I was asking if I could use it in my Vampire story.

Dude, still, you don't advertise you story in other threads.

I agree with Darkom, Shades and pigeon.

And at shades...lol.

I think you should rewrite it, give more detail and such, redo the plot a bit. Take more into what they would say.

"It's too hot today." Think of something better.

What the hell? I know you don't advertise, and I wasn't. What don't you understand about that?

Whatever, I am not arguing with you.

If you want to come on here and be like "what the hell", fine with me.

The story could use some work, rewrite it. I don't want to turn this thing into spam, so it is best if we drop this argument all together.