Well, I'm trying to find a good spot to debut the MoB, and I haven't found it yet. And yes, it is a sales gimmick. It is possible that the Master Thief is indeed related to the Thieves Guild, and yes, he is the Grey Fox.

Aha! I knew it! No one can keep secrets from the Duchess of Dementia for very long! (And I didn't even have to torture you to get you to confess!)

I had a really good idea about the last title (The Fourthening) today while I was playing NV, but I've completely forgotten it, so here we are at.... The Countdown to Excitation

As the two men searched frantically for Broken-Scale and Tran the Gan, Lady "I don't have a clue about modesty" Syl was making her naked way to the garbage dump of Bravil. She soon reached the shore, just near the entrance to Bravil. As she climbed out of the water, her shapely form glistening in the moonlight, she thought she heard a grunt of dismay nearby. Of course, I'm going to have to tell you about this grunt of dismay, because that is just how I tell a story.

The grunt belonged to one Lord Thadon, who was the actual Duke of Mania. You know, the happy fun time place. Lord Thadon was an interesting sort of fellow; he had a massive silo of Greenmote, liked to paint, and wore a really cool hat. He was also married to Lady Syl, and was probably investigating her disappearance. You know, cause he loves her and whatnot.

Lord Thadon was grunting because he was currently locked in Mortal Kombat with a Will of the Wisp. Guh, I groaned as I wrote that as well. Seriously, stop disappearing on me, you stupid ball of light! I hate your guts! "Sheeargh!" sheearghed Lord Thadon as the WIll of the Wisp disappeared yet again. "How will I ever defeat this creature?" questioned the non-lame Bosmer.

I'd like to take a moment to speak about Bosmer. Lots of Bosmer are lame. I mean, about 75% of their race... they aren't very good at anything. In fact, I believe that all of the cool ones are forced into the Shivering Isles: Thadon, Syl, Cutter... I'm fairly certain they were all Bosmer, and they were all pretty intense.

Luckily, Lord Thadon was merely slightly mad, and he had a weapon most devious to defeat the Will of the Wisp. As the creature moved in to Drain his Fatigue or something, Lord Thadon drew his Cheese Sword of Cheesiness and plunged it into the annoying beast's heart (or whatever Will of the Wisps have). The beast exploded in a massive fireworks ball of fireworksiness, upon which Lord Thadon danced a little bit, as he was apt to do.

Lady Syl, meanwhile, had easily bribed the gate guard to let her into the massive pile of refuse that was Bravil, and had found Carro Tsandwich wandering the streets. Lady Syl immediately pulled that one Hammer she had out of.... forget it; point was, she had her Hammer at the ready.

The Duchess swung her Hammer with a magnificent groan, muscles shining in the moonlight, towards Carro's head. Suddenly a man appeared, and with a shout, threw himself at the oblivious Carro.

Who could this man be? Will our heroes escape the Rough Hug Bear? And will I ever get around to introducing the Master of Blades? What is happening to ex-Captain Rex and Werewolf N. I.? Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z The Tale of Pepjiit!

I don't even know what to say. It's [censored] HILARIOUS! (and the entire phrase, [censored] HILARIOUS was in all caps, but the whole censoring thing...yada yada...) I've said it before, others have said it before, and I'm going to say it again: This is by far the BEST fan fiction I've ever read.

(And that line about Syl getting out of the water in the moonlight. Yeah, I know where you got that idea. Love it! )

And so, my dear Lord Thadon makes his debut. As far as the Master of Blades possibly making his own debut, I'll believe it when I see it.

Awesome write. (I'd say [censored] awesome write, but as you can see, censoring again...)

To all who are unaware; the "her shapely form glistening in the moonlight" was indeed a line borrowed from the majestic Lady Syl. I felt that it was quite appropriate for the situation, and come on. It is a pretty hot line.

The Continuation of the Countdown to Excitation: From the Perspective of Carro Tsandwich

I glided along the disgusting road of the scum hole that was Bravil. Beautiful tears slid down my equally attractive face, falling to the muddy road. I noticed that, like always, small flowers would spring up where the tears had landed. "Why am I so beautiful?" I sang to the heavens; the pale moonlight of the two moons shone down upon my exquisite form. This highlights my hair nicely, I thought, no! I am crying right now! I continued to cry, and as I did so, a nearby guard jumped into the "river" in sadness, never to surface again. "Why doesn't Tran the Gan love one as beautiful as I? He chose to go with that short person, Syl, rather than me!" I continued to cry.

Suddenly, I heard groan behind me; as I began to turn about to see who it was, a shout emanated from my left, and a large weight fell into my attractive body. I fell into the mud, and its dirty brownness stained my gorgeous white dress. "How dare you!" I shrieked, turning towards my attacker. Standing in the pale moonlight was a man; his face was covered by a grey mask, although his strong jawline remained free from its tight stranglehold. A few feet away, that diminuitive elf Syl stood naked, a large Hammer held in her hands. The weapon was firmly stuck into the ground. "Syl, you tramp!" I shouted, "you tried to kill me!"

The man, meanwhile, was standing in between my own stunning body and Syl. "Fear not, fair maiden! I shall protect thou from thouest attacker!" As I stood up, pulling myself from the clutching hands of the mud, I took a better look at my potential savior. The grey mask he wore had odd lettering that glistened bright blue in the light of Tamriel's moons, and other than the mask, he wore a suit of leather armor. The man hadn't yet drawn the wicked looking blade that hung from his back; depsite Syl's current weakness, he wasn't moving to attack her. "Kill the [censored]!" I shouted; then I quickly blushed, ashamed that my gorgeous lips could say such an awful word.

Syl, meanwhile, had pulled her Hammer out of the ground, and was readying it for another swing at my striking form. "Halt!" shouted the man in a commanding tone. Syl immediately stopped, and with a confused look on her face, dropped the Hammer to the ground. "Fair Lady, why do you seek to harm this woman?" questioned the man. "The little harlet is clearly working for my enemies!" shrieked Syl, "how else could one other than myself be so beautiful?!?" The man strode over to Syl, and whispered something in her ear. A look of sheer terror passed over her face, and with a light moan, the Bosmer passed out.

Before she fell into the muddy earth, the man caught her, and slung her over his shoulder with ease. "Who are you?" I enquired, "why did you save me?" The man looked at me incredulously, then bellowed out a hearty laugh. "A gentleman like myself couldn't very well let one as beautiful as you be harmed, now could he? Come, fair maiden, for one such as yourself shouldn't be walking the streets of a place like this alone."

Who could this man be? Where is he taking the two best looking people of the story so far? And will our heroes escape the Rough Hug Bear? Find out next time!

Aww, you didn't have to credit me! But thanks! ^_^ I know, it was pretty hot. I'm a flirt like that. :hubbahubba:

I can't wait for the next episode! It is divine awesomeness. You must be a god or something. You descended from Mount Olympus, right beside Zeus and [random superhero of great fame] and Todd Howard.

LOL those 2 chapters were great MT.

Super Extra Special Entry - The Debut of The Master Thief, As Relayed By The Master Thief, told from the perspective of The Master Thief. Also, it is extra special for another reason, but you'll have to ask about that one directly!

I hefted Syl's naked body upon my shoulder. The maiden followed close behind me; apparently, my warnings of murderers and thugs struck true to the fair young lass. "First, I shall have to clothe this Lady Syl," I said to no-one in particular, "then, I shall find us something to eat. You look very hungry, you know." The maiden looked down towards her stomach; the excitement of the day must have distracted her from her physical needs. We left the city by way of the gate; nearby, a small Bosmer was dancing near a glowing ball of colored fire. I ignored the man; he didn't seem to notice me, and we continued on our way. Soon enough, we arrived at my small boat. I gently placed Syl inside of the vessel, and covered her with a small blanket; she was still sleeping qutie soundly. The fair maiden behind me was still silent; I held out my hand to her and helped her into the boat.

"Now, we must travel to the island in the center of the lake to retrieve your friends," I explained to the maiden, "before he-" at which point I motioned to a nearby sleeping bear- "awakens at first light." The maiden's jaw dropped open; before she could shriek, I placed a gloved hand over her mouth. "Be silent, or the Rough Hug Bear will find himself awakened much too early." The maiden nodded, and I pushed the boat into the water.

We quickly arrived at the island in the center of the lake. As we neared the rocky protrusion, I noticed a masked Argonian and a Mazken going at it like a couple of cliffracers near the water's edge. "Turn away thine eyes, dear maiden," I exclaimed, "lest thou see-est a sight most foul." The maiden complied, and I lifted a small piece of cheese from my food pouch. I threw the item directly at the Argonian, who quickly halted his movements and looked up to see the approaching boat. "Dude, like, totally not cool," he complained, "I'm like, busy here."

"Desist your love-making, for now!" I shouted, "for the Rough Hug Bear sleeps upon yonder shore, and we must make haste if we are to remove ourselves from his local in time!" The Argonian looked towards the shore of the lake, and immediately leapt to his feet. The Mazken was pulled along with him and a cry, and the two extricated themselves from each other before letting out a shout of terror. "Dude, that Bear is like, huge! Why is he wearing such a rad top hat?" I pulled the boat up onto the island, and motioned for the two to get dressed while I searched for the others of their party.

Racing up the short path, I encountered an odd scene. Two men, a Khajiit and an Imperial, had their heads jammed into a hole in the center of the island. Muffled shouts emitted from the entrances; to me, it seemed that someone was trapped down there. "Hail, good sirs!" I greeted the two, "who is stuck in that hole?"

The men, surprised at my greeting, quickly pulled out of the hole and drew their weapons. Seeing that I had no ill intentions, they lowered their tools of murder and gave me a puzzled look. "Crikey, mate, you scared the prawns right offa me!" he said, "what are you doing here?" I brushed by the two men to gaze into the hole. Another man was lying down inside of it; he was writhing on the ground, entirely disrobed. I reached into my pack and pulled out a length of rope. "Hold this, if you want to escape the Rough Hug Bear," I said to the men. With a look of fear passing between them, the two quickly took hold of the rope as I lowered myself into the maw of the island.

I landed quietly on the sand of the cavern; the writhing man, taking no notice of me, continued to writhe upon the floor. I picked up his sword and clothing, and threw the items up into the waiting hands of the two men. Moving with the speed of an endangered white mountain lion, I hefted the writhing man up by his shoulders, tied the rope around his waist, then motioned for the two men to pull him up. They did so, and rather than wait for the rope to come back down, I chose to leap out of the cavern with the grace of a leaping ogre.

"Alright," I said, "we must get out of this place before the Rough Hug Bear awakens; we have just about five hours to do so." I helped the two men carry their writhing friend to the boat; as we placed him next to the sleeping Syl, the Argonian said what turned out to be the most awful words of the day. "Dude, look!" he shouted, "that Bosmer is trying to use the Rough Hug Bear's hammer to cobble his shoes!"

I turned slowly about to look upon the scene; indeed, the dancing Bosmer from before had lifted up the massive Banded Hammer and was attempting to hit the soles of his velvety shoes with them. "By the Gods," I said, "quickly, we must leave now! The Rough Hug Bear is going to wake up!" The Mazken, Khajiit, and Imperial were the first to leap into the boat; they were soon followed by the Argonian and myself. As we began to paddle out towards the sea, the sleeping Syl awoke with a cry. As she looked about in confusion, she noticed the Bosmer on the shore, hitting his shoes with the Banded Hammer. "My Thadon!" she cried, "we have to save him from that large rabbit!"

The men ignored her, and continued to paddle the boat out to sea. One of them, the Imperial in a scholar's robes, even slapped her across the face. I reached out and purloined the paddles from their hands; they soon noticed this and began to ponder as to where the paddles had disappeared to. "I must go save the Bosmer from the Rough Hug Bear," I explained, "you will all be safe from the Bear out here." Before I jumped out of the boat, I planted a kiss upon the massive ring that adorned the Lady's hand. "By my word as a gentleman, I shall retrieve this Thadon to safety. Wait here, dear lady, as I save your beloved from the Rough Hug Bear." I dived into the water, and began to swim with the speed of a gazelle towards the sleeping place of the Bear.

Will The Master Thief save Thadon in time? Will Syl ever put some damn clothes on? What about Pepjiit? Will the perfect sugary beverage ever be made?

Ah the most funny story I've ever read.

All that characters here are like our alter egos. Or at least some.

"Turn away thine eyes, dear maiden," I exclaimed, "lest thou see-est a sight most foul." :rofl:

God, I love this story. ^^

(music of Evanescence) "I'm dying...praying...bleeding...screaming..."

...for more Tale of Pepjiit!

I might update tonight, depending on how long my francais homework takes me.

When you have the time, dear. I'm in love with this story (hmm, Thadon might get jealous...), but don't feel pressured to post just because we're all hungry for more!!! :woot:

Do I really sound like Broken-Scale does in this?

Aren't you one of the ninja-turtles? :turtle:

The Next Entry

Our heroes looked on with unbridled fear as the Master Thief swammed towards the beachy shoreline in an attempt to save Lord Thadon from certain doom. As he was swumming, Syl had Summoned a set of Finery from somewhere; apparently, she was tired of being so naked all of the time. Meanwhile, Lord Thadon had dropped the Banded Hammer, and was attempting to kickbox with a mudcrab. "Sheeargh! Foul beast!" shrieked Thadon; the mudcrab had pulled out a spear, and was currently in the process of impaling Thadon in the knees. The Rough Hug Bear was starting to roll around; clearly, he was about to wake up.

Just as The Master Thief was reaching the shoreline, the Rough Hug Bear awakened. His powerful stare fell upon the Duke of Dementia and the mudcrab like an overpass collapsing upon a schoolbus filled with puppies and rainbows: it wasn't pretty at all, and many women started to cry. In this case, it was one woman, Lady Syl, for she knew that her Lord Thadon was about to be Banded Hammered to the wastes of Oblivion.

Now, you might be saying to me "Hey, The Master Thief, how does that make sense? Thadon comes from Oblivion, so that wouldn't be too bad, right?" Well, shut right the hell up, dear reader, because I'm the author, and quite frankly, I'm sick of you questioning me in these fake conversations. Seriously, back off: I have a plan.

The Banded Hammer, you see, was the Artifact of one Jyggsy, the Daedric God of Order and Pizzas. With the Banded Hammer, the wielder could instantaneously teleport the victim to Jyggsy's Realm of Order, where they would be forced to do incredibly boring things for the rest of their lives. Just as the Rough Hug Bear was about to pulverize the Lord and Mudcrab, an unexpected occurrence occurred. The Master Thief, with his powers of Thieving Mastery, had Thieved the Banded Hammer from the Rough Hug Bear. The Bear, now even more enraged about his being woken up, drew his back up Banded Hammer from literally nowhere.

"Thadon," shouted The Master Thief, "you must get to your beautiful wife, before she loses herself with grief over your disappearance into Order!" Thadon, besnapped out of his trance, jumped into the lake to chase after Lady Syl. However, Thadon, in his haste, had forgotten his one true weakness: that he didn't know how to swim.

"Help me, I don't know how to swim!" cried Lord Thadon, "I am drowning! Glub glub glub!" Actually, Thadon wasn't drowning, but just splashing about while saying "Glub glub glub!" In short, he was making a scene. Luckily, the mudcrab who he had been fighting wasn't one for letting the Rich drown, and so he allowed Thadon to climb upon his shell, and the two swam out to the boat.

"My darling!" cried Syl, "you are safe!" Thadon leapt into her arms, and they kissed passionately. As the group all said "Aww!" (aside from the incredibly jaded Schmut E. Buncis, that is), the mudcrab had crawled up into the boat after Thadon. Broken-Scale, who was watching the happy scene transpire, suddenly felt a poking at his shoulder. Looking down, the Argonian saw the medium sized mudcrab prodding him with a small, mudcrab sized spear. "Dude, that is like, so radical! Look, honey, this mudcrab has a spear!" The Mazken giggled in delight at the happy little mudcrab, who was somehow wearing a large smile on his otherwise crustacean face. Also, he had a top hat.

"I'm, like, going to keep you and name you Happy Crabs, the Happy Crab!" Broken-Scale pulled out a length of rope (which he always carried), and tied the mudcrab onto his back, for ease of travel.

Yeah, that is right. I just gave Broken-Scale a shell. With pincers.

Meanwhile, the Rough Hug Bear and the Master Thief had beguned to fight. "Crikey! Lookit 'em go!" Schmut E. said, given that he was the only one watching the fight. The Bear, with a powerful stare, was swinging his Banded Hammer in slow motion. As it was about to impact with the Master Thief's head, the aforementioned Thief rose his Banded Hammer to meet the challenge. The two artifacts collided, and in a flash of light, both the Rough Hug Bear and the Master Thief disappeared.

"Huh. Looks like they're gone. I didn't like that bloke, anyways," said Schmut E., "so, where to next?" The Son, who had been quiet for quite some time, explained to the group that they were to be off to the South. "I've heard tales of an ancient witch who lived in the deserts," he said, "who knew of a very special brew. Perhaps the drink I've been looking for all this time."

Up next- Whatever happened to ex-Captain Rex?

What is there left to say? It's hilarious! It gets better every time! It brings me great joy whenever I see a new entry! I'm so happy I could just go out and torture someone in the streets! Wait, that's not right... Hmmm.... Maybe there is something wrong with me after all... I'll have to consult the Madgod about this at once!

(I have one eensy teensy little correction to make--while Thadon and Syl are lovers (and also married in a spiritual sense--you'd have to read my fan fic to understand that aspect), he is not the Duke of Dementia, but rather he is the Duke of Mania. She is the Duchess of Dementia, but not the Duchess of Mania. So, once you're done cursing me for pointing this out in such a smart-ass kind of way, you might want to go back and do a teeny tiny edit. Mmkay? )

I'll state it again, one more time--awesome write!!!

I jest, I jest. Don't worry Syl, I have a plan for ToP's Syl and Thadon. In my tale, they are married (literally), and something involving shareholders, death, and blah blah blah will happen. For an intriguing side arc.

New update tonight, probably around eleven. Featuring: ex-Captain Rex, N. I. Exclamation Point, and the occult.

Sweet! Sounds like an excellent episode! (And btw, that line you quoted from the last entry--I forgot to mention that was one of my favorite lines! I love your randomness, and all of it! It's great!) :happy:

Wooo new chapter is up. ^_^ (Just now noticed it lol.)

Can't wait to read the next one.

Happy Mother's Day - What Happened to ex-Captain Rex and N. I.

So this is the Mother's Day update. First, I'd like to say Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there. Secon, I find it sort of ironic that the only character with a mother (The Son) hates his mother and she is dead/skooma poisoned. Hahaha, that is so awful.

Now, what happened to ex-Captain Rex and N. I.

ex-Captain Rex awokened with a start. "Guh? Muh? Buh?" he grumbled; however, the sounds issuing from his face hole were muffled, as a large length of rope was shoved into his mouth. The ex-Captain, using his eyepower, observed his surroundings. A group of scantily clad jungle people surrounded the ex-Captain, all chanting and dancing in that stereotypical jungle people way. A giant bonfire raged in the center of the clearing, and weird smokey figures were emerging from its sheer burningness. As ex-Captain Rex was taking a close look at some of the dancing women, he heard a loud shriek from the massive stone temple that was also there.

Seriously, this is just so overdone. Gah, how boring this is. Alright, stick with me, dear reader, and we'll get through this together.

"Groar!" groared ex-Captain Rex, bulging his bulging muscles outwards to bulge the ropes from his body. Oh, yeah, he was also tied up with ropes. The ropes, bulged from his bulging muscles, bulged outwards and bulged with a snap. "You shall pay for what you have done to me!" said ex-Captain Rex, "Also, I must find that little werewolf I was traveling with!" He leaped upon a nearby jungle man, and after incapacitating him, by breaking all of his limbs and neck, removed the weapons from his body. "So much blood!" ex-Captain Rex yelled, for there was more blood than there had ever been before. The ex-Captain swung his sword through the air, and his sheer might caused the air itself to shatter in a startling display of the destruction of all the known laws of physics, or whatever that is in Tamriel.

The jungle people, unable to breath because of the lack of air, had their heads exploderated in an incredibly gory fashion. "Gouarhoeuaflekahoeiflkejf!" groaned the head-exploding jungle-people, right before their heads exploded. ex-Captain Rex, meanwhile, was deeply inhaling the un-air, because he was just that thirsty for not-making much sense.

As the air tentatively flowed back into the clearing, like a puppy who just ate the last piece of bacon (I know it was you, you rotten hypothetical puppy. Don't give me that hypothetical look. No! Bad puppy! That was my bacon, and you just ate it before I could! How dare you! You rotten son of a [censored]! I oughta throw you into a ballpit full of cats! How would you like that one? Little jerk), ex-Captain Rex had already jumped fifteen feet straight up to the top of the temple (not having any mortaring substance other than feces doesn't mean you can build big).

Yes, that is one sentence. Deal with it. Oh, hey, so is this.

The ex-Captain entered the temple, and found himself confronted by a scene most dire. N. I. lay upon the ground, cleaved open from throat to crotch. All of his organs were removed, and they lay scattered across the floor of the temple. Standing in the shadows across the room was a shadowy figure, who was clearly in the shadows because s/he was shadowy. The ex-Captain, moved by the apparent death of his new friend, raised his blade and flew across the room in a rage.

As he swung the blade towards the shadowy figure enshadowed by shadows, the shadowy figure made a move with his/her hands. Suddenly, ex-Captain Rex was suspended in mid-air, his blade almost touching the shadowy figure's neck. "How good of you to join me," whispered the shadowy figure, "now, we'll have to do something about... your condition."

The shadowy figure reached out, and firmly grasped the ex-Captain's belt clasp with his/her hands.

What could this shadowy figure be up to next? Is N. I. really dead? Will I ever kill any of these characters? Yes, I think I will. Voting for whomever gets to die starts.... right now!

Its been said before, but its worth saying again. BEST. FANFIC. EVER.

D'aww someones gonna die? =/

How can I vote for the death of any of these characters? They're all so great! I don't want any of them to die! Unless, eventually, they all die. Maybe that's how the story will end--with all the main characters in their graves... :violin:

I can't vote. Just please don't kill me off! Pwetty pwetty pweeze? *hypothetical puppy gives you hypothetical sad puppy face--how can you possibly resist such hypothetical cuteness?*