Chapter 1: The Origin of Pepjiit, the Pepsi? Khajiit
Sub-Chapter: Or, How Pepjiit discovers a Tasty Delight

Dramatic Persons, Part I:

The Son - The hero of the tale
Schmut E. Buncis - Good looking Imperial, has a funny accent. Very popular; everyone loves to write him letters.
Broken-Scale - An Argonian, has a thing for spears
N. I. Exclamation Point - A super-intelligent Troll. Wears a decapitated rabbit's head for a hat. Smells bad.
Carro Tsandwich - A beautiful maiden who lives in the forest. Friend to Schmut E. Buncis.
Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus - Captain of the Guard at the Imperial City
Tran the Gan - An Imperial with a meaningless title; if you mention this, he won't be too pleased.
The Duchess - Of Dementia. An un-annoying Bosmer?!?! This is madness!
Master of Blade - A Master of Blades. Very loyal to his friends.

Once upon a time, in the city of Imperial, lived a couple of cat-people. Now, these two cat-people aren't going to make it past Chapter 1, so don't get too attached- I'll tell you this right now. Okay, are you unattached? If so, continue onwards. If not, then you better hurry up about it.

So, these cat-people probably had names; however, since they aren't making it out of this Chapter alive, I don't really care. Come up with your own names- but remember, don't get attached. Anyways, they had a son, who also didn't have a name (not yet, at least). Anyways, this son loved sugary foods- except he was lacking the necessary body parts to void the leftover parts, if you know what I mean (you might not. Check out the anatomy of a human body, then come back to me). This made the son very sad, and his parents attempted to cheer the young Khajiit up with glorious tales of heroes and whatnot.

However, the son wasn unhappy, as he could only drink liquids - most of which weren't sugary at all. As he grew up, he began to feel a growing hostility to his parents- "Why should they be able to eat sugary foods?" he would say, "Damn them to Oblivion, the [censored for viewer discretion]." Upon reaching an advlt age - I'll say twenty - the son had had enough, so he left his parents in a trap most devious. The night before his departure, the son had poisoned the Imperial City's water system with a few trillion gallons of Skooma; he knew that when his parents went to drink from the water, they would immediately be addicted, and wouldn't be able to live without drinking the tainted water.

Oh, what? You think the "few trillion gallons of Skooma" doesn't make sense? Well, did you ever think that the son had connections with Daedra? Specifically the "partying" varient? No? Huh, well I'd just be quiet then, eh?

To continue on, the son left in a hurry; as he exeunted the city, he was confronted by his good friend, Schmut E. Buncis. "Oi! My good friend," cried Schmut, "Crikey! Where're ya gwan at this time a night?"

Now, Schmut E. was a good kind of fellow; he liked the son, even though the son was a bit of a weirdo. They had been friends since at least the end of the Oblivion crisis, when they were both children. Schmut E. had grown up to be an incredibly popular scholar; his witty remarks about life in the city were constantly tracked by a cadre of devout followers.

"Hello, Schmut E. I'm leaving the city for good; perhaps I can find the perfect sugary drink elsewhere." the son replied glumly. "Crikey! Just let me get my 'roo an' I'll go with ya!" The son, desiring companionship on the road, agreed to wait while Schmut E. retrieved his horse, 'Roo.

Intermission- Feel free to post any thoughts. Also, if you want in on the story, as a character or whatnot- Send me a PM. I'll be sure to not corrupt it in anyway, mind.

Can't wait for the next installment I'm looking forward to see this Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus who is obviously isn't based off any one. :mage:

What? No Centurion Macharius of the 13th Legion. D:

I kid, I kid. I'll be keeping my eye on this.

@Macharius- We're only at Part I. Someone is going to have to replace Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus....

Schmut E. soon came back with his horse, 'Roo. The magnificent warhorse was quite the animal; it had eyes the color of something red, and fur? skin? whatever horses have- the color of brown. Look, I'm not a horse expert or anything, so look it up yourselves. It was a good looking horse, is the point. "Crikey, mate! Lets hit the road!" bellowed Schmut E. The son nodded his head in agreement, and the two left the city by way of that one bridge (the one that has the fish underneath it).

Now, lets take a moment to think about another of our Dramatic Persons- specifically, one Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus. He was the Captain of the Imperial Guard- hence, the title "Captain." He was a powerful, far-reaching man- this might have been because of his freakishly-long arms. The whole city respected Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus, but things change (and I need some action in the story). For Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus, a city-wide skooma poisoning was to be the cause of this change, and the effect was going to be a level of social pariahcality that hadn't existed before (possibly because pariahcality isn't a word).

Back to the son (from now on referred to as The Son) and Schmut E. Buncis. Our two heroes had arrived at a forest, just about three lighthours (that is about fifteen miles) away from the city. Inside the forest rested a beautiful maiden, who just happened to be good friends with Schmut E. and The Son. The two men were visiting her because they figured a chick would help on the journey; after all, a feminine touch might be necessary for what they were about to do (more on that later).

So, the two men entered the forest, and found Carro Tsandwich, the maiden, lounging about on a bear, singing to forest creatures or some Disney crap like that. "Oi! My good friend, Carro!" vocalated Schmut E. "How goes it? Also, CRIKEY! Thats a big ursine!" "Ah hahaha, dear Schmut E. You have always been such a cad. This bear would never think of hurting one as pretty as I." she sang, taking a moment to admire herself in a nearby pool of water. If you couldn't tell, Carro Tsandwich was actually quite vain. But in a good way, I'm sure.

"Now, what are you two doing here, in my Forest of Beauty?" asked Carro as she continued to admire herself. Really vain, remember? "I decided to leave the Imperial City, Carro, and Schmut E. decided to tag along with me," replied The Son, "for I would need his aid on my quest to find a sugary beverage." "Hahaha!" The lilting laughter of Miss Tsandwich pealed across the woodland clearing; a few miles away, a scamp heard it, cried in joy, and then exploded from the beauty of it. "The perfect sugary beverage? Why, aren't you just a cad! I'll have to go along with you; sugar is good for the pores, you know!" Carro held out a hand, and Schmut E. helped her upon his horse. The three of them left the clearing; all of the animals immediately fell into a deep depression, because their maiden had left them. All of the buttercups instantly set on fire, for some reason, and the last remaining unicorn died as well. Such is life.

Intermission Part Two

Why has this 'Broken-Scale' character not yet shown up? He's obviously what must hold this whole thing together!

:rofl: CRIKEY! You got my stomach hurtin' from laughing

Chapter 1: The Origin of Pepjiit, the Pepsi? Khajiit
Sub-Chapter: Or, How Pepjiit discovers a Tasty Delight

Sub-Sub-Chapter: The Downfall of Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus

Back at the Imperial City, Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus was just waking up from a restful sleep. Not really, though. His sleep wasn't restful because of his "sleepover" with his "friends." To be frank, his "friends" were actually two of the City's most attractive women, and the "sleepover" didn't involve much sleeping at all. Anyways, life was good for Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus. High paying job, love-making with beautiful women, bribes, and shiny armor were all important facets in his life. Sadly, things were about to change- starting with a knock at his bedroom door.

"Knock! Knock!" shouted the door, metaphorically speaking. "By Akatosh," grunted Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus, "I'm so bloody wasted right now. Who in Oblivion is it?" The door swung open, and that one dude, Ocato (I think), strode in with a purpose. "Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus!" shouted that pansy Ocato, "Eww! Are those girls?!?! Gross!" You see, Ocato was really lame, and he didn't like girls. Didn't like men that much either. Also, he was a dandy and/or a fop.

"Shut up, you stupid Elf," grunted Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus, "You're killing the mood in here." Ocato snorted, as he was apt to do, and gestured wildly at the door. A large troupe of Guards walked in; after giving Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus a shameful look, they heaved his naked frame from the bed, and slapped a pair of manacles upon his wrists. "What's going on here, Ocato? I had enough of this sort of stuff last night, and you ain't exactly my type." grunted Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenoomorphicalus.

Ocato pointed at the bed. "Is that because I'm not dead?" Here we are- the crux of Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus's downfall. Brace yourself, dear reader - it is all a direction from here. The two women were dead - someone had poisoned them, by the looks of things, in between the love-making and Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus passing out in a drunken haze.

"Ye gads!" bellowed Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus, "There must be a murderer in our midst!" Ocato was having none of this, however, and hauled the man off to be publicly executed by a pack of wild dogs.

Intermission Part Three

And then Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus is thrown into a den of lions! The King finds out about this and tries to save Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus but to no avail! :ahhh:

Back to the Heroes

Yeah? Got a problem with it? Well, you'll all just have to wait to see what happens to Captain Regulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus. So hold your pants, because now we return to The Son, Schmut E. Buncis, and Carro Tsandwich.

Our three heroes were sauntering and/or walking up the path, away from Carro Tsandwich's forest, when they encountered a situation most dire. Lying in the middle of the path was one Broken-Scale, an Argonian with a famous love of spears. Known throughout the land as a spear-holder, polisher, and stabber, Broken-Scale was almost famous. Right now, he was almost dead. Alas, the young Argonian had been assaulted by the gang of Todo Horawd, a fearsome bandit who stalked the land of Cyrodiil. You see, Todo Horawd and his gang, Bathesde Softrowks, felt that spears were archaic weapons, and so they hunted down anyone who used them and crippled their dreams of long-range blades.

"Oh, my! A wounded Argonian!" exclaimed Carro, "We must help him!" Schmut E. and The Son agreed; the two men hurried over to the downed lizard-man and did something to wake him up. I dunno, rubbed vapors over his face or something. The effect was that he woke up, okay?

Anyways, Broken-Scale popped awake with a shout. "My spears, dudes!" he shrieked in a mangled voice. "Oh, this is so not mondo! Dudes, where's my spears?" Schmut E. and The Son exchanged a glance. "There are no spears, Argonian," Schmut E. said, placing a hand on the man's shoulder, "They're all gone." The Argonian paused for a second, then began to blubber and nictate his membranes (because Argonians don't have tear ducts). "No... it can't be... I must find my spears...." murmured the Argonian. He stood up, and began to shout in rage. "I WILL HAVE MY SPEARS!" Schmut E., Carro, and The Son all exchanged a concerned glance. "Uh, Argonian-" "My name is Broken-Scale." "Right. How about we team up, mate? We're on a quest, and you seem like an athletic sort, so how's about it, mate?"

Broken-Scale nictated his membranes again, then nodded his head. "Fine. I will go with you; if we find Todo Horawd, then I shall have my tubular revenge." The three, now four, strode purposefully, but not really, down the path.

Intermission Part Four - Coming up next: Captain Regulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus is saved by an unlikely event, and N. I. Exclamation Point poses a challenge to the Heroes.

:lol:

This "challenge" Ni will propose...I forsee unbearable torture in this!

I approve of this portrayal of Broken-Scale/Me. It's so accurate!! In fact ... it's suspiciously accurate ... hmmmm ... :stare:

Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus was in quite a pickle. To be more accurate, the pickle was actually a set of manacles. The execution was about to take place; everyone in the city had turned up for the event, stricken with rage over the Captain's murder of two beautiful women. Also, it was in the Arena, because they were the only place that served drinks at a killing.

As he sat manacled to a post of some sort, Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus pondered his fate. Pondered the hell out of it, I might add. "How did those women end up dead? I would never kill a person I was f-" Just then, the trainer of the wild dogs showed up. Yeah, that is right- they had a trainer, even though they were wild. They were so wild, that they were anti-wild. Anyways, the trainer was a burly man, who was also missing a variety of limbs, so he walked on a cane. Also, he was really old. Like, 102.

So, Dog Trainer Old Man had the wild dogs following blithely along at his heels; they had no idea what was about to happen to them. "Aw, my little poochies must be thirsty," cackled the old man, "here, have a drink of water, straight from the Imperial City's water supply." Wanting to please their master, the wild dogs quickly drank from the Imperial City's water supply. They immediately keeled over, and began to twitch in a drug-induced super coma. "What could this be about?" cackled the old man, "hmm. I'd better drink this water as well." The old man began to fall down as well; luckily, he was in arms-reach of Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus, who caught the man before he fell. "Oh, wait. You were about to kill me with those wild dogs." Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus knocked the old man to the ground, picked up his cane, and landed a well-placed blow upon the sickly old geezer's noggin, instantly killing the buffoon.

"ROAR!" said Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus as he tore free of the manacles. "Time to free myself!" he cried, vaulting into the stands of the Arena, "I shall find the one who murdered those comely wenches, and clear my name! Also, I might find out who poisoned the water supply on the way!" Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus quickly broke a nearby civilian's neck, then used the body to cushion his landing outside of the Arena's walls.

"By Azura! By Azura! By Azura! Aren't you Cap-" began a nearby Bosmer; Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus threw his cane at the Elf, impaling the Bosmer in his crotch. The cane shot straight through the pelvic region of the Elf, causing a giant shower of blood to spray out of the area.

"A freak like you doesn't deserve to procreate," grimaced Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus as he ran towards the one bridge that led to the exit of the city.

Intermission Five - The debut of N. I. Exclamation Point soon to come

Random, nonsensical violence! Me gusta!!

Ouch. . .

Now we awit for NI!

Back to our Heroes

The Son, Schmut E., Carro, and Broken-Scale were all walking down the path, quite friendly like, when they encountered another bridge. "Dudes, we'd better chillax. There's totally a bandit who tries to rob me everytime I cross here, bros!" exclaimed Broken-Scale. "Oi! I can always dissaude the [censored], if he tries to pilfer our goods! I'm a famous orator, after all!" Schmut E. verbally countered. "And I can always sing to the forest creatures to protect us," melodiated Carro, "besides, no bandit would dare mar my beautiful form!"

The men all took a moment to stare at Carro; indeed, she was quite the attractive woman. "Uh, anyways," stuttered The Son, "lets go on; what happens, happens." So, our heroes crossed the bridge, completely unaware of what was to occur in a sentence's time. First, though, I'd just like to mention one little fact: this bridge was populated by one Bridge Troll, who could speak and whatnot. Now that you're finished wrapping your mind around that, we'll continue.

"Nyahaha! Methynks Y have afounded a prey, crossyng myne brydge!" shouted a voice from under the bridge. As the party walked across the bridge, single file, a small but ferocious Bridge Troll appeared in front of them. "Oi! Crikey!" shouted Schmut E., who was leading the party across the bridge, "lookit the size of this thing!" The Troll held out a hand, in the universal sign for stop. "You shalln't cross thys brydge," screamed the Troll, "or my name ysn't N. I. Exclamation Point, the odorical brydge troll."

"Crikey, another bloody [censored]," verbosed Schmut E. "But wayt! Y shall pose to thee a challenge three; yf you succeed, you shall pass!" screamed N. I. Exclamation Point. "And if we like, fail?" questioned Broken-Scale. "Then Y shall take the lady to be my wyfe!" shrieked the Troll. "Wait, I'm sorry," interrupted The Son, "but is this Troll using 'y' for all 'i's? I can't understand him. What kind of speech impediment is that?"

The group all stopped to ponder this; really, though, it is only because I need time to think of the challenges three.

Intermission

:goodjob: The characters are fitting. Just like Ni

:huh: :rofl: :clap:
Fan-fic of the year, obv.
And, Mr. Schmut, that impediment is quite clearly a New Zealand Trolleth accent, especially the one's that come from the area surrounding Castle Aaargh. This is a very accurate portrail of this forum's frequenters, by the way.

If Master Thief throws in some Down Under slang, no one will understand it.

Yeah nah it'll be all chur bay

Bloody oath. Ace fanfic mate. Can't really give it a knock eh? She'll be apples, I say. The Master Thief makes great and funny stories beyond the black stump, hur!

I'm wondering when Broken-Scale/I became one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from the 80's.

BEST. FAN FICTION. EVER.

But I'm not sure whether this portrayal of me is accu- Wait, I can see my reflection in the computer screen!

Really? I can't!

Same here. :sadvaultboy:

To Continue the Tale

The group finished pondering N. I. Exclamation Point's speech impediment; also, I thought of three challenges. "Oi! Why're you talking like that, mate?" shouted Schmut E. (for a scholar, he was loud). "Because, that ys a Trollysh accent!" shrieked N. I. Exclamation Point; just then, however, the group began to inhale an awful stench. "Dudes, can you smell that radical nostril destroyer going down?" Broken-Scale verboulated. The group all looked at N. I. Exclamation Point.

You see, bridges are actually very odorious; also, Trolls are ascared of water, so you know. Suffice to say, he smelled, bad. Oh, and the dead animal head- that didn't help matters any. Also, Trolls exude fecal material through their skin. Yeah, he was pretty disgusting.

"Challenge the fyrst!" N. I. shrieked, ignoring the baleful gazes of the assembled people, "What has four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three in the evening?" "Crikey, this one doesn't have me stonkered, so I'll give it a burl." Schmut E. crowed, "It's a human person!"

N. I. slapped his hands against the bridge top, leaving an ugly brown stain. "Nyahahaha! You may pass!" Schmut E. quickly ran about the smelly Troll, and arrived at the other end of the bridge. "Challenge the second!" shrieked the fecalous Troll. "What do I have in my pockets?!?!"

Alright, lets take a moment here. N. I. may have been a smart Troll, but a smart Troll is like a dumb Tree. As such, N. I. didn't realize that he was lacking pockets. "Dude, you totally don't have any pockets," Broken-Scale verbated, "so, like, nothing." N. I. stopped for a moment, then looked down and saw that he was indeed lacking in the pockets department. "Fyne, you may pass!"

Broken-Scale walked past N. I. Exclamation Point, and ran over to where Schmut E. stood. "Dude, did you see me answer that question! That's totally hectic!" Broken-Scale exclaimed. He and Schmut E. did a chest bump, then a bro-hug, then another chest-bump. They were quite happy, I suppose.

Intermission Part Six or Seven - Afterwards, THE FINAL CHALLENGE. And Carro Tsandwich gets a nasty surprise.