[Charlie Sarson]

Last time on the Tale of Pepjiit:

Spoiler

Chapter 1: The Origin of Pepjiit, the Pepsi? Khajiit
Sub-Chapter: Or, How Pepjiit discovers a Tasty Delight

Dramatic Persons, Part I:

The Son - The hero of the tale
Schmut E. Buncis - Good looking Imperial, has a funny accent. Very popular; everyone loves to write him letters.
Broken-Scale - An Argonian, has a thing for spears
N. I. Exclamation Point - A super-intelligent Troll. Wears a decapitated rabbit's head for a hat. Smells bad.
Carro Tsandwich - A beautiful maiden who lives in the forest. Friend to Schmut E. Buncis.
Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus - Captain of the Guard at the Imperial City
Tran the Gan - An Imperial with a meaningless title; if you mention this, he won't be too pleased.
The Duchess - Of Dementia. An un-annoying Bosmer?!?! This is madness!
Master of Blade - A Master of Blades. Very loyal to his friends.

Once upon a time, in the city of Imperial, lived a couple of cat-people. Now, these two cat-people aren't going to make it past Chapter 1, so don't get too attached- I'll tell you this right now. Okay, are you unattached? If so, continue onwards. If not, then you better hurry up about it.

So, these cat-people probably had names; however, since they aren't making it out of this Chapter alive, I don't really care. Come up with your own names- but remember, don't get attached. Anyways, they had a son, who also didn't have a name (not yet, at least). Anyways, this son loved sugary foods- except he was lacking the necessary body parts to void the leftover parts, if you know what I mean (you might not. Check out the anatomy of a human body, then come back to me). This made the son very sad, and his parents attempted to cheer the young Khajiit up with glorious tales of heroes and whatnot.

However, the son wasn unhappy, as he could only drink liquids - most of which weren't sugary at all. As he grew up, he began to feel a growing hostility to his parents- "Why should they be able to eat sugary foods?" he would say, "Damn them to Oblivion, the [censored for viewer discretion]." Upon reaching an advlt age - I'll say twenty - the son had had enough, so he left his parents in a trap most devious. The night before his departure, the son had poisoned the Imperial City's water system with a few trillion gallons of Skooma; he knew that when his parents went to drink from the water, they would immediately be addicted, and wouldn't be able to live without drinking the tainted water.

Oh, what? You think the "few trillion gallons of Skooma" doesn't make sense? Well, did you ever think that the son had connections with Daedra? Specifically the "partying" varient? No? Huh, well I'd just be quiet then, eh?

To continue on, the son left in a hurry; as he exeunted the city, he was confronted by his good friend, Schmut E. Buncis. "Oi! My good friend," cried Schmut, "Crikey! Where're ya gwan at this time a night?"

Now, Schmut E. was a good kind of fellow; he liked the son, even though the son was a bit of a weirdo. They had been friends since at least the end of the Oblivion crisis, when they were both children. Schmut E. had grown up to be an incredibly popular scholar; his witty remarks about life in the city were constantly tracked by a cadre of devout followers.

"Hello, Schmut E. I'm leaving the city for good; perhaps I can find the perfect sugary drink elsewhere." the son replied glumly. "Crikey! Just let me get my 'roo an' I'll go with ya!" The son, desiring companionship on the road, agreed to wait while Schmut E. retrieved his horse, 'Roo.

Intermission- Feel free to post any thoughts. Also, if you want in on the story, as a character or whatnot- Send me a PM. I'll be sure to not corrupt it in anyway, mind.

Macharius- We're only at Part I. Someone is going to have to replace Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus....

Schmut E. soon came back with his horse, 'Roo. The magnificent warhorse was quite the animal; it had eyes the color of something red, and fur? skin? whatever horses have- the color of brown. Look, I'm not a horse expert or anything, so look it up yourselves. It was a good looking horse, is the point. "Crikey, mate! Lets hit the road!" bellowed Schmut E. The son nodded his head in agreement, and the two left the city by way of that one bridge (the one that has the fish underneath it).

Now, lets take a moment to think about another of our Dramatic Persons- specifically, one Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus. He was the Captain of the Imperial Guard- hence, the title "Captain." He was a powerful, far-reaching man- this might have been because of his freakishly-long arms. The whole city respected Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus, but things change (and I need some action in the story). For Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus, a city-wide skooma poisoning was to be the cause of this change, and the effect was going to be a level of social pariahcality that hadn't existed before (possibly because pariahcality isn't a word).

Back to the son (from now on referred to as The Son) and Schmut E. Buncis. Our two heroes had arrived at a forest, just about three lighthours (that is about fifteen miles) away from the city. Inside the forest rested a beautiful maiden, who just happened to be good friends with Schmut E. and The Son. The two men were visiting her because they figured a chick would help on the journey; after all, a feminine touch might be necessary for what they were about to do (more on that later).

So, the two men entered the forest, and found Carro Tsandwich, the maiden, lounging about on a bear, singing to forest creatures or some Disney crap like that. "Oi! My good friend, Carro!" vocalated Schmut E. "How goes it? Also, CRIKEY! Thats a big ursine!" "Ah hahaha, dear Schmut E. You have always been such a cad. This bear would never think of hurting one as pretty as I." she sang, taking a moment to admire herself in a nearby pool of water. If you couldn't tell, Carro Tsandwich was actually quite vain. But in a good way, I'm sure.

"Now, what are you two doing here, in my Forest of Beauty?" asked Carro as she continued to admire herself. Really vain, remember? "I decided to leave the Imperial City, Carro, and Schmut E. decided to tag along with me," replied The Son, "for I would need his aid on my quest to find a sugary beverage." "Hahaha!" The lilting laughter of Miss Tsandwich pealed across the woodland clearing; a few miles away, a scamp heard it, cried in joy, and then exploded from the beauty of it. "The perfect sugary beverage? Why, aren't you just a cad! I'll have to go along with you; sugar is good for the pores, you know!" Carro held out a hand, and Schmut E. helped her upon his horse. The three of them left the clearing; all of the animals immediately fell into a deep depression, because their maiden had left them. All of the buttercups instantly set on fire, for some reason, and the last remaining unicorn died as well. Such is life.

Intermission Part Two

Chapter 1: The Origin of Pepjiit, the Pepsi? Khajiit
Sub-Chapter: Or, How Pepjiit discovers a Tasty Delight

Sub-Sub-Chapter: The Downfall of Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus

Back at the Imperial City, Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus was just waking up from a restful sleep. Not really, though. His sleep wasn't restful because of his "sleepover" with his "friends." To be frank, his "friends" were actually two of the City's most attractive women, and the "sleepover" didn't involve much sleeping at all. Anyways, life was good for Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus. High paying job, love-making with beautiful women, bribes, and shiny armor were all important facets in his life. Sadly, things were about to change- starting with a knock at his bedroom door.

"Knock! Knock!" shouted the door, metaphorically speaking. "By Akatosh," grunted Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus, "I'm so bloody wasted right now. Who in Oblivion is it?" The door swung open, and that one dude, Ocato (I think), strode in with a purpose. "Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus!" shouted that pansy Ocato, "Eww! Are those girls?!?! Gross!" You see, Ocato was really lame, and he didn't like girls. Didn't like men that much either. Also, he was a dandy and/or a fop.

"Shut up, you stupid Elf," grunted Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus, "You're killing the mood in here." Ocato snorted, as he was apt to do, and gestured wildly at the door. A large troupe of Guards walked in; after giving Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus a shameful look, they heaved his naked frame from the bed, and slapped a pair of manacles upon his wrists. "What's going on here, Ocato? I had enough of this sort of stuff last night, and you ain't exactly my type." grunted Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenoomorphicalus.

Ocato pointed at the bed. "Is that because I'm not dead?" Here we are- the crux of Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus's downfall. Brace yourself, dear reader - it is all a direction from here. The two women were dead - someone had poisoned them, by the looks of things, in between the love-making and Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus passing out in a drunken haze.

"Ye gads!" bellowed Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus, "There must be a murderer in our midst!" Ocato was having none of this, however, and hauled the man off to be publicly executed by a pack of wild dogs.

Intermission Part Three

Back to the Heroes

Yeah? Got a problem with it? Well, you'll all just have to wait to see what happens to Captain Regulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus. So hold your pants, because now we return to The Son, Schmut E. Buncis, and Carro Tsandwich.

Our three heroes were sauntering and/or walking up the path, away from Carro Tsandwich's forest, when they encountered a situation most dire. Lying in the middle of the path was one Broken-Scale, an Argonian with a famous love of spears. Known throughout the land as a spear-holder, polisher, and stabber, Broken-Scale was almost famous. Right now, he was almost dead. Alas, the young Argonian had been assaulted by the gang of Todo Horawd, a fearsome bandit who stalked the land of Cyrodiil. You see, Todo Horawd and his gang, Bathesde Softrowks, felt that spears were archaic weapons, and so they hunted down anyone who used them and crippled their dreams of long-range blades.

"Oh, my! A wounded Argonian!" exclaimed Carro, "We must help him!" Schmut E. and The Son agreed; the two men hurried over to the downed lizard-man and did something to wake him up. I dunno, rubbed vapors over his face or something. The effect was that he woke up, okay?

Anyways, Broken-Scale popped awake with a shout. "My spears, dudes!" he shrieked in a mangled voice. "Oh, this is so not mondo! Dudes, where's my spears?" Schmut E. and The Son exchanged a glance. "There are no spears, Argonian," Schmut E. said, placing a hand on the man's shoulder, "They're all gone." The Argonian paused for a second, then began to blubber and nictate his membranes (because Argonians don't have tear ducts). "No... it can't be... I must find my spears...." murmured the Argonian. He stood up, and began to shout in rage. "I WILL HAVE MY SPEARS!" Schmut E., Carro, and The Son all exchanged a concerned glance. "Uh, Argonian-" "My name is Broken-Scale." "Right. How about we team up, mate? We're on a quest, and you seem like an athletic sort, so how's about it, mate?"

Broken-Scale nictated his membranes again, then nodded his head. "Fine. I will go with you; if we find Todo Horawd, then I shall have my tubular revenge." The three, now four, strode purposefully, but not really, down the path.

Intermission Part Four - Coming up next: Captain Regulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus is saved by an unlikely event, and N. I. Exclamation Point poses a challenge to the Heroes.

Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus was in quite a pickle. To be more accurate, the pickle was actually a set of manacles. The execution was about to take place; everyone in the city had turned up for the event, stricken with rage over the Captain's murder of two beautiful women. Also, it was in the Arena, because they were the only place that served drinks at a killing.

As he sat manacled to a post of some sort, Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus pondered his fate. Pondered the hell out of it, I might add. "How did those women end up dead? I would never kill a person I was f-" Just then, the trainer of the wild dogs showed up. Yeah, that is right- they had a trainer, even though they were wild. They were so wild, that they were anti-wild. Anyways, the trainer was a burly man, who was also missing a variety of limbs, so he walked on a cane. Also, he was really old. Like, 102.

So, Dog Trainer Old Man had the wild dogs following blithely along at his heels; they had no idea what was about to happen to them. "Aw, my little poochies must be thirsty," cackled the old man, "here, have a drink of water, straight from the Imperial City's water supply." Wanting to please their master, the wild dogs quickly drank from the Imperial City's water supply. They immediately keeled over, and began to twitch in a drug-induced super coma. "What could this be about?" cackled the old man, "hmm. I'd better drink this water as well." The old man began to fall down as well; luckily, he was in arms-reach of Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus, who caught the man before he fell. "Oh, wait. You were about to kill me with those wild dogs." Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus knocked the old man to the ground, picked up his cane, and landed a well-placed blow upon the sickly old geezer's noggin, instantly killing the buffoon.

"ROAR!" said Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus as he tore free of the manacles. "Time to free myself!" he cried, vaulting into the stands of the Arena, "I shall find the one who murdered those comely wenches, and clear my name! Also, I might find out who poisoned the water supply on the way!" Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus quickly broke a nearby civilian's neck, then used the body to cushion his landing outside of the Arena's walls.

"By Azura! By Azura! By Azura! Aren't you Cap-" began a nearby Bosmer; Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus threw his cane at the Elf, impaling the Bosmer in his crotch. The cane shot straight through the pelvic region of the Elf, causing a giant shower of blood to spray out of the area.

"A freak like you doesn't deserve to procreate," grimaced Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus as he ran towards the one bridge that led to the exit of the city.

Intermission Five - The debut of N. I. Exclamation Point soon to come

Back to our Heroes

The Son, Schmut E., Carro, and Broken-Scale were all walking down the path, quite friendly like, when they encountered another bridge. "Dudes, we'd better chillax. There's totally a bandit who tries to rob me everytime I cross here, bros!" exclaimed Broken-Scale. "Oi! I can always dissaude the [censored], if he tries to pilfer our goods! I'm a famous orator, after all!" Schmut E. verbally countered. "And I can always sing to the forest creatures to protect us," melodiated Carro, "besides, no bandit would dare mar my beautiful form!"

The men all took a moment to stare at Carro; indeed, she was quite the attractive woman. "Uh, anyways," stuttered The Son, "lets go on; what happens, happens." So, our heroes crossed the bridge, completely unaware of what was to occur in a sentence's time. First, though, I'd just like to mention one little fact: this bridge was populated by one Bridge Troll, who could speak and whatnot. Now that you're finished wrapping your mind around that, we'll continue.

"Nyahaha! Methynks Y have afounded a prey, crossyng myne brydge!" shouted a voice from under the bridge. As the party walked across the bridge, single file, a small but ferocious Bridge Troll appeared in front of them. "Oi! Crikey!" shouted Schmut E., who was leading the party across the bridge, "lookit the size of this thing!" The Troll held out a hand, in the universal sign for stop. "You shalln't cross thys brydge," screamed the Troll, "or my name ysn't N. I. Exclamation Point, the odorical brydge troll."

"Crikey, another bloody [censored]," verbosed Schmut E. "But wayt! Y shall pose to thee a challenge three; yf you succeed, you shall pass!" screamed N. I. Exclamation Point. "And if we like, fail?" questioned Broken-Scale. "Then Y shall take the lady to be my wyfe!" shrieked the Troll. "Wait, I'm sorry," interrupted The Son, "but is this Troll using 'y' for all 'i's? I can't understand him. What kind of speech impediment is that?"

The group all stopped to ponder this; really, though, it is only because I need time to think of the challenges three.

Intermission

To Continue the Tale

The group finished pondering N. I. Exclamation Point's speech impediment; also, I thought of three challenges. "Oi! Why're you talking like that, mate?" shouted Schmut E. (for a scholar, he was loud). "Because, that ys a Trollysh accent!" shrieked N. I. Exclamation Point; just then, however, the group began to inhale an awful stench. "Dudes, can you smell that radical nostril destroyer going down?" Broken-Scale verboulated. The group all looked at N. I. Exclamation Point.

You see, bridges are actually very odorious; also, Trolls are ascared of water, so you know. Suffice to say, he smelled, bad. Oh, and the dead animal head- that didn't help matters any. Also, Trolls exude fecal material through their skin. Yeah, he was pretty disgusting.

"Challenge the fyrst!" N. I. shrieked, ignoring the baleful gazes of the assembled people, "What has four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three in the evening?" "Crikey, this one doesn't have me stonkered, so I'll give it a burl." Schmut E. crowed, "It's a human person!"

N. I. slapped his hands against the bridge top, leaving an ugly brown stain. "Nyahahaha! You may pass!" Schmut E. quickly ran about the smelly Troll, and arrived at the other end of the bridge. "Challenge the second!" shrieked the fecalous Troll. "What do I have in my pockets?!?!"

Alright, lets take a moment here. N. I. may have been a smart Troll, but a smart Troll is like a dumb Tree. As such, N. I. didn't realize that he was lacking pockets. "Dude, you totally don't have any pockets," Broken-Scale verbated, "so, like, nothing." N. I. stopped for a moment, then looked down and saw that he was indeed lacking in the pockets department. "Fyne, you may pass!"

Broken-Scale walked past N. I. Exclamation Point, and ran over to where Schmut E. stood. "Dude, did you see me answer that question! That's totally hectic!" Broken-Scale exclaimed. He and Schmut E. did a chest bump, then a bro-hug, then another chest-bump. They were quite happy, I suppose.

Intermission Part Six or Seven - Afterwards, THE FINAL CHALLENGE. And Carro Tsandwich gets a nasty surprise.

"And so, we arryve at the fynal challenge?!?!?!" questioned N. I. Exclamation Point. Remember, dumb tree = can't count. "You know what, Troll?" said The Son, "I'm sick of this nonsense. Honestly, there are five of us, and only one of you. Your only weapon is the fact that none of us want to touch you. Why are we answering your stupid riddles?"

As you can see, The Son lacked patience. Also, I couldn't think of a third challenge. He wanted to be on his quest to find a perfect sugary beverage; also, he was sort of angry that this Troll could probably eat solid foods, whereas he couldn't. I dunno if you catch my drift on that one; check out the first entry. Like, come on? Do I have to explain every single thing for you people?

N. I. was perplexed at this sudden turn of events; he had never been in a confrontation like this before. "Nyahaha! My feelyngs, they are hurt!" The Bridge Troll began to exude more fecal material from his tear ducts; this was his way of crying. Anyways, he did something drastic, like jump off the bridge or something. Suffice to say, the heroes were on their way once again.

They soon arrived at the township of Bravil. Really though, Bravil wasn't that great a place; more like a shantytownship. Ba-zing! I've heard that some people like it. So, Bravil was sort of muddy, and sort of smelled really bad; of course, the odor was nothing when compared with N. I. Exclamation Point, who shalln't be referred to for another couple of chapters. "Like, look at that rad tavern, dudes! Maybe they have something tubular inside... like food or something. I'm getting pretty hungry! Cowabunga!" Broken-Scale slithered off to the tavern (you know the one right next to the gates). Carro agreed, and she followed the Argonian; her beauty immediately attracted the attention of a nearby on-looker, who doesn't have a name yet, but is someone from the list of characters on the first page. Schmut E. wandered off to the local Mage's Guild, looking to buy some parchment for letter writing, and The Son began to wander the town in search of a perfect sugary drink.

Intermission - Up Next, Either Carro Tsandwich's Surprise, or the Events that occur to the Other Three. Reader Choice!

Special Surprise - You get both!

Carro Tsandwich's Surprise

Carro entered the tavern from the last entry. "My goodness! What a beautiful maiden!" verboculated a High Elf. "Gurr, she is da purty!" grunted a nearby Orc. Being better than both of these fools, Carro pealed out another laugh; both of the men suddenly dropped dead, probably from a heart attack or brain explosion. One man, however, remained standing. I know, right? Wasn't expecting that one, eh? And yes, I used "wasn't" instead of "weren't." Wait, is that even right? Weren't expecting that one? It sounds really stupid. Anyways, it was an unexpected situation, because I didn't mention a third man; also, up to this point, Carro has been killing things left and right with her beautiful laughter.

Naturally, Carro was quite shocked. Up until this point, the only men who had been able to resist her feminine charms were our heroes. Who was this stranger? Why was he so handsome? Where did he come from? How did he get his hair so good looking, especially in a world without conditioner? Well, dear reader(s), this man's name was Tran the Gan. Yes, that is the answer to all of those questions. Oh, also; think of Tran the Gan as one of those incredibly handsome prince knights; you know, the loud kind, but in a good way.

"Oh, my," fainted Carro; luckily, Tran the Gan did a cool looking slide, and caught her before she fell and impaled her unmarred beauty upon a nearby meatfork. "Milady," exclaimed Tran the Gan, "are you alright?" "I've never been better," murmured Carro. Suffice to say, Carro's surprise ended up being pretty good after all.

What Happened to the Other Three

Schmut E. Buncis was in quite the pickle. You see, Schmut E. was quite popular with the feminine (and sometimes masculine) mages of the Mages Guild. Problem was, Schmut E. didn't particularly care for the mages; he felt that they were quite obnoxious and stupid. Like, come on? Who makes you go into a well to pick up a 150 something ring? And so many fetch quests....

So, Schmut E. found himself beplagued by the idiocy of the Mages Guild; also, it was Bravil, which is like a modern day hobo village, but worse. The mages were stupid, that is all. Although, there was some pretty fine tail there, if you know what I mean. Like that "Enemies Explode" chick? Yeah, there is definitely an explosion going on when I see her.

"Like, Schmut E., you're so cool," shrieked one of them, "like, lets kiss by the river." "Crikey, this isn't ace at all," Schmut E. shouted, "it is a bloody sewer system!" Schmut E. slapped the woman across her face; she quickly ran off, happy that the grand Schmut E. had touched her in any way. Anyhow, Schmut E. left the Guild with his paper and quills; also, he picked up a Ring of Trickery, and a Staff of Swelling.

Meanwhile, Broken-Scale was investigating the spear situation going on here; apparently, Todo Horawd had replaced all of the "Stabby" type of spear with a "Pokey to make Magic" type of spear. Broken-Scale wasn't pleased with this at all. "Dudes, this isn't rad at all. Where're my tubular spears?" Broken-Scale nictated his membranes in sadness.

But wait! A shocking turn of events? "Hehehehe, I have a spear for you right here," said a freakish little Bosmer, "would you like to give it a try?" Broken-Scale, being a man of intelligence, knew that the Bosmer didn't actually have a spear; in fact, he wasn't a Bosmer at all. He was, indeed, Sheogorath; Broken-Scale knew this because only Sheogorath had facial hair, a trait outlawed by the Emperor in the great Beard and Moustache Banning of 3E 432. "Dude, you aren't a Bosmer. Cowabunga!" Broken-Scale knew Sheogorath's one weakness was order, so he quickly arranged a nearby table setting into its proper formation. "Sheeah! My one weakness, order. Because you have defeated me, you can have this! The Spear of Chaos!" Sheogorath disappeared in a puff of smoke. "Ra-di-cal!" crowed Broken-Scale; finally, he had a spear!

As these events took place, The Son was examining a local merchant's wares. "Good merchant, what is this?" questioned The Son as he held up a small packet of beans. "Well, m'boy, those are cocoa beans. You can put 'em in water, heat it up, and then you have a bitter drink that wakes you right up." "Hmmm," pondered The Son. "How much for a barrel of beans?" "Fifteen hundred Septims," answered the merchantical man. You know what? No, The Son gets the beans for free. No stupid "Oh, I need to find the money, but I'll end up saving the merchant's family from honey badgers with swords for teeth, and then he'll give me the beans and his daughter's hand in marriage for free." That is such contrived plot device, so The Son gets the beans for free.

Intermission I lost count - Up Next, A mysterious Prophesee!

I'll post some the Prophesee later on tonight.

@Ni! - I was referring to an explosion in my pants.

@Broken-Scale - That line was originally going to be "Hehehe, I have a spear right here. Want to give it a rub?" But I thought that was far too pilfery from The Lusty Argonian Maid, so...

Thanks for all the feedback, everyone.

@Rex - Quiet, you! I have a plan for your death sequence. Also, probably two hot elves. That's how you roll.

The Prophesee - But Not Really, because I couldn't think of one. So, a love scene between two characters! Actually, not even that.... but we're getting there!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch inn, Carro Tsandwich had just acquired a sense of love, but surprisingly, it was not for herself. Rather, it was for the gallant Tran the Gan. "Oh, my," moaned Carro, for she had never seen a person as physically beautiful as herself. "Dearest lady, are thou in finestry, or are thou in need of a medicinical man?" Tran the Gan questioned with a good and plenty of concern. Speaking of which, Good and Plenty is one of the worst Halloween treats ever. Seriously, I'd rather have an apple with a razor in it. Even worse, I'd rather have a toothbrush.

I'd like to take this time to remind you, dear reader(s), that good oral hygiene is incredibly important. Remember, brush twice a day, and floss once a day. Also, don't brush right after a meal; the acids from your food soften your tooth enamel, and brushing it makes it wear off. The more you know!

Anyways, Carro had fainted; thusly, Tran the Gan figured that perhaps she needed some vapors, so he slung her over his shoulder (because he was just that strong), and left the inn in search of the aformentioned vapors. Vapors fixed everything, you see. So, Tran the Gan was looking around; sadly, Bravil didn't have any vapors, so things weren't going too well.

Just then, our three heroes re-converged on Tran the Gan; they were immediately struck by his beauty, but noticed a fainted Carro across his shoulder. "Dude, like, give us back our mondo babe!" roared Broken-Scale, leveling his Spear of Chaos at the handsomest man on the face of Tamriel. "Crikey! That cad has Carro!" said Schmut E., a tad too late. Seriously, dude, Broken-Scale already said something about it. Come on. I know you are better than that.

The Son, not wanting to be left out of the conversation, told it like it is. "Hey, that guy is seriously the most handsome man I've ever seen. Is anyone else seeing this, or is it just me?" Broken-Scale and Schmut E. both nodded their heads. "Yeah, like, this dude could be Mr. Tamriel 4E (Whatever year it is; did I already say a year? I can't remember. Sorry bout that, lets continue)." "Crikey! If I wasn't already betrothed..."

"Wait, you're to be married?" asked The Son. "Bloody oath, I am. Can't rightly remember her, though." Schmut E. answered.

"Excuse me, good sires, but this madam is in dire need of some vapors. It appears that my striking beauty has unconsciousfied her greatly, and I wouldn't be able to stand seeing a lady in danger," Tran the Gan drew his blade, "so you'd better move, or I shall be forced to cut you down like the scum you are!"

Sort of an overreaction, I know, but Tran the Gan had chivalry to the max. "Dudes, I think this guy is totally right; Carro is in danger. We should go find some vapors to rub on her face. That ought to be hectic enough to awaken her!" shouted Broken-Scale.

Oh, I forgot to mention; Broken-Scale had found an orange bandanna, and was now using that as an eye-mask. Just so you all know. The effect was very imposing. Visualizing it now? Good, lets continue:

"This mask-ed Argonian speaketh the truth; now, let us be off! I've heard tell of an island in the middle of the lake, filled with foul magics and insane people; and yet, it also has very good medical coverage, for a variety of accidents. Let us be off!" exclamated Tran the Gan.

And so, our heroes left the hobo-ville for that one island in the middle of the lake, in search of better medical coverage, and perhaps a good 401(k) plan while they were at it.

Next, the debut of one Duchess of Dementia

The Debut de la Duchess du Dementia; Yes, I speak French

So, our heroes found themselves at a nearby boating house. Broken-Scale had already left the group to get hammered on some waves; yes, that is surfer lingo, I even looked it up to give his character more depth, okay? Broken-Scale was already at the island; he was a naturally fast swimmer, what with the webs and all. Anyways, he was hanging off the rocks in the back of the island; more on that later.

As Broken-Scale clung to those rocks like a wet t-shirt clings to a... nevermind, that is off-topic and inappropriate for these forums. As Broken-Scale clung to those rocks like Carro was clinging onto Tran the Gan, the rest of the group was securing a ferry to the island. "Oi, you bloody [censored]," Schmut E. demanded, "I demand a boat, crikey!" The boatman wasn't a helpful sort of fellow; he was one of those guys that jerks you around with "No, you should call this number," so you call the number, and oh, wait, "You need to call this number," and so on and so forth.

So this guy was totally screwing about with our heroes, and Tran the Gan was getting quite angered. "Listeneth here, you cowardly rouge," he eloquently elaborated, "If I, Tran the Gan, do not acquire a boat within five seconds, your head shall be my foot rest for this evening." That was a threat, by the way. "Bwahahaha! What sort of name is Tran the Ga-" began the boatman, who was subsequently interrupted by Tran the Gan's magnificent blade, The Shiniest Blade of all the Lands, as it began to drink from his throat. Also, the blade was a vampire, somehow.

"Make haste, good sires! For milady is in dire need of these vapors!" Tran the Gan vocabulated! And so, the men piloted the boat out to the island; five loading screens later, they arrived. As they clim-ed up the path, they heard a sensual voice emanate from the glowing blue gate that marked the entrance to the Shivering Isles.

Honestly, it isn't even cold there. Like, half of the place is sunny, so it must be warm, and the other half is a swamp, so it must be humid. What the hell, Sheogorath? I know you're insane, but a liar? And you have a beard, so you must be hot all the time. You know it is true, damn it!

Anyways, the Sensual Voice called out to the three men and one unconscious woman. "Hello, my little hot-cakes! Lookin' for a good time!" The group arrived at the top of the path; however, no one was to be found. "What trickery is this? My ears have forsaken me!" shouted Tran the Gan, as he lovingly set Carro upon a nearby sacrificial platform. Suddenly, an incredibly attractive group of women appeared in front of the group; just about 90 percent of them had darkish skin, whereas one of them was a Bosmer, but not in a "Crotch-Exploding" kind of way. Actually, yes, she was. And I was referencing Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus with that last line, perverts, and how he had killed that one Bosmer outside of the arena by exploding his crotch.

So, the Bosmer woman appeared to be like some sort of beautiful work of art, whereas the other women weren't that bad looking either. Tran the Gan drew his blade, The Shiniest Blade of all the Lands, and pointed it directly at the Bosmer who had just appeared. "Schwing!" cried the mighty sword; also, the Bosmer woman's guards drew their blades as well, but with less sound effects. "My Mazken! Kill the interlopers!" shouted the Bosmer woman.

Let me take a minute to explain something here. It appears that this Bosmer woman had gone from being incredibly hot and wanting to speak very amicably with our heroes, to being incredibly hot and wanting to kill out heroes. This is because she was majorly paranoid about everything. Like, really, really paranoid. But at least she looked damn fine while doing it!

Now we come to the fight scene! The Son, who had been standing about, also drew his weapon; it was basically a chain-sickle, but with more chains and knives. Schmut E. leveled his Staff of Swelling; also, this story is getting really, really dirty, really, really fast, so I'm going to say that the Staff was actually a Staff of Fireballs. The Mazken, with a ferocious/arousing roar, lept into battle with the three men, as the Bosmer woman cowered behind a nearby rock.

"Oi! Take this on for size, bruv!" shrieked Schmut E. as he threw his staff into the air; the two Mazken he had entered combat with followed the Staff's path. Schmut E. proceeded to backhand both of them across their pretty faces, which, of course, sent them into an immediate fatal attraction with the good-looking scholar.

The Son, meanwhile, had viciously killed sixteen of the Mazken with his chain sickle. Also, that was all of the Mazken. You know what? It was a short fight because I am saving the really good fight for when the Master of Blades shows up in the next entry. So just hold your pants, okay? You got Schmut E. slapping a couple of Mazken, and that is pretty freaking good, if you ask me.

The Bosmer woman had the unconscious Carro at hammerpoint. "Don't move, or this beautiful one gets a faceful of hammer!" she sensually moaned; yes, she can do that, because that is how she rolls. Naturally, the men didn't want Carro to be injured, so they didn't move one bit. Except, of course, for rock-clinging Broken-Scale.

"Cowabunga, bros!" shrieked Broken-Scale as he flung himself through the air. Raising his Spear of Chaos, Broken-Scale pointed it at the Bosmer woman's hammer, which instantly turned into a fluffy rabbit, who shall be named Mr. Fluffy Rabbitsons the Third. Tran the Gan leapt to his feet, and detained the Bosmer woman with one hand (she was very slim about the waist).

"Now, dear lady, give me these two things: some vapors and thy name!" Tran the Gan exclaimed. "Hahahaha," laughed the woman, "my name is Lady Syl, and I don't have any vapors... but I do have something better, for one as handsome as you..." Lady Syl reached into her bodice....

What could she have? Find out in the next entry! Also, The Master of Blades makes his debut!

Alright, so the three things that are going to arrive shortly (later today, since it is just about 1 AM on the East Coast), are the debut of the Master of Blades, a love-scene between three of the characters, and Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus' encounter with N. I. Exclamation Point.

Soon, we'll be arriving at the birth of Pepjiit; so far, only one of the necessary components has been collected. Then, I can see trouble brewing. A war, perhaps?

Alright, so here is a more detailed look of what you people can expect from tonight's entries:

1. Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus crosses a bridge, makes a friend, and ends up getting a curse placed on him by a witch or some magic [censored] like that.

2. Lady Syl pulls something useful out of her bodice, and becomes "friends" with a member of the Group of Heroes.

3. The Son gets the next component in his quest to find the perfect sugary beverage, and a newcomer threatens the Group.

4. The Master of Blades confronts two of the characters; a fight ensues.

Really, though, the first entry will be about 1 and 4, second entry will be about 2 and 3. I'll have them up later tonight, probably same time (8-11 PM on the East Coast), and I might even get to the romance scene between three of the characters, in the third entry. How about this: whomever guesses correctly as to the three characters gets to write a guest line for one of the characters in the romance.

Macharius, I see you down there. You're going to replace Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus. Also, both Ni! and Carrot answered correctly, and at the exact same time, so they both get to write a line. Trannigan also answered correctly, and before both of you, so he gets a line as well. Pick a character, write a funny/romance line, then PM it to me. I'll write up the romance section as soon as I have all three of them.


A few things before the next entry (Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus meets the Bridge Troll (also known as the Entry from Hell, because I am tired of writing their names out....)). I'm thinking that this will be entry two, and the love scene will be entry one. After that, I'll have anyone else reading this besides Ni!, Carrot, and Trannigan participate in the next contest, which will be "Guess who wrote which line." I'm thinking the prize will be a few lines for your character. So, onto the love scene.

Sur le Island - Yes, that is even more French, which sort of fits, because it is the language of love

So, where/when we last left off, Lady Syl was rummaging around in her bodice - is that the proper term? I can't even remember... Whatevs, that is besides the point. It was very attractive, the way she was doing it - and, currently, she had pulled out a bottle of what else, but vapors!

Honestly, I detest contrived plot devices like this, and you probably realize how contrived it actually is, so that is why I am going to distract you now with a graphic mild depiction of a romance scene.

Lady Syl uncorked the bottle suggestively with her teeth, then put the cork in her mouth, moved her tongue around, and spit out a tied cherry stem. Yeah, that is how skilled she is. Turned cork into a cherry stem. Naturally, the men were quite hot and bothered, aside from Schmut E., who was busy fending off the advances of the two Mazken he had slapped across the face. "Oi, Broken-Scale, get these dames offa me!" he shrieked like a little girl as the two clawed at his rippling physique. "Dude, like, I'll totally help with that," said Broken-Scale, who immediately began to help with that. The Son, meanwhile, was investigating a nearby fountain of some white powder.

Anyways, Tran the Gan was still concerned about the still-unconscious Carro. "Lady Syl, can you use those vapors to help this poor damsel in distress?" questioned Tran the Gan as he blatantly eyed Syl's bodice, if you know what I mean. Look, a man has needs, and Tran the Gan was still a virgin, okay? Now he was confronted with two incredibly beautiful women, and that was getting him all hot and bothered.

"Anything for you, hot stuff," responded Syl as she sensually poured the vapors onto Carro's face or something. I don't know how vapors work, so why don't you just imagine it yourself, you little pervert. I know what you are thinking. Bad! Bad! To continue, Carro immediately awokened, and almost fainted again, what with the beauty of the two people surrounding her. "So," Syl propositioned, "while those three are busy, how about we get busy ourselves?"

First line, served up hot and spicy: Impressed at her offer, Lord Gan oiled back his already oiled hair, which now contained more oil than Saudi Arabia, but he made sure to save some for his Gentlemen's area. Second line, equally hot and spicy: "Tell me fairest maidens, have either of you ever yearned to take a gaze upon white gold tower?" he asked with a suggestive grin.

The two maidens blushed, and both started to titter, whatever the hell that means. Seriously, why can't you just say "laughed" or "giggled" or "another synonym for laughed." Crikey, that isn't tubular at all. And yes, I just used surfer and Aussie slang there. Remember, I did, not the two men who were currently fending off the advances of the Mazken.

So, the two lovely ladies and Tran the Gan got down to business, probably in a hidden cove somewhere. It was all going very smoothly (thanks to Tran the Gan's oil), but then something ran amiss. Also, that something was the third line. "Short people don't have feelings!" said Carro, directing her insult at the currently de-robed Syl, who had mentioned something about having feelings. "Why you little harlet!" shrieked Syl, at the fully clothed Carro. "Ladies, ladies," said Tran the Gan as he oiled back his hair.

"I'm leaving!" cried out Carro; she had never been called a "little harlet" before, so her feelings were quite hurt. Anyways, Syl and Tran the Gan continued on with their business.

Meanwhile, Carro had returned to the slumhole of Bravil, where she found a mysterious stranger awaiting for her. BUT WHO COULD IT BE???

Did you guess the writers of the three lines? Post now for a chance to win a fabulous prize! Warning: fabulous prize isn't that fabulous at all. Fees apply to all non-US residents.

Neither of you got it right, but out of the pity of my innards, you both get to have something happen to your characters.

Broken-Scale, I grant you the wish of a love interest. Rex, you can have something good happen to Rexulius, within reason. Okay, here is the good stuff happening to BS and CRYX. Also, I'm trying my damnedest to figure out how to make Rex a corrupt cop without breaking any of the forum's rules. It ain't easy, dear readers...

The Good Stuff

Broken-Scale had subdued one of the Mazken (the other was busy holding Schmut E.'s hand as they watched the sunset together (Aww, isn't that just adorable? Love is such a magical thing...)) when he noticed how beautiful she truly was. "Dudette, you're like, totally hectic..." he said to her. "Simple mortal! You are below my station," she replied, "and yet... I feel the same way." The two began to realize that love knows no boundaries, and even a hideous reptile freak can fall in love for an immortal blue-skinned demon.

"Hold me close," she whispered, "life is so difficult sometimes." "Shh, dudette, you're alright now," he whispered back, as he caressed her hair, "you've got me..." So, the two of them had instantly fallen in love; Schmut E., on the other hand, was simply using his Mazken because he is a cold, heartless bastard.

The thing about Schmut E. was that he could never truly feel love; rather, all he felt in his blackened, twisted, shriveled pile of garbage of a heart was contempt for his fellow man. In fact, the only people he actually liked were our group of heroes, but he was quickly wearing thin, even about that.

What, you think it was going to be all butterflies and unicorns? No, that isn't how life works, kiddos. Sad to say, but it is true. But lets just imagine Broken-Scale and his Mazken falling in love.... so magical. Oh, I'm so lonely... even a semi-fictional character can find true love... Why do you mock me, cruel world?

Anyways, enough of that.

Meanwhile, Back at the Bridge (also known as, the post from hell/where I have lost my patience, cursed past Master Thief for what he has done, and stop using Rex's full name)

Meanwhile, Rex was no longer Captain blah blah blah whatever-icalus. He was now just plain Rex, for he no longer had a title. Sad to say, but that is what you get for being a patsy in Ocato's scheme.

Oh, crap, did I just ruin the overarching story plot I was going to have with Rex? Uh, um, I meant that there was no plot at all. Yeah, that is it.... no plot at all.

So, Rex had arrived at the bridge that our heroes had crossed a few weeks earlier; poor Rex's life wasn't that good at all. He'd lost his job, armor, ladies... but he still had his strength and intelligence. "Who could have slain those maidens in my bedchambers as I was lying there wasted?" he pondered to the world aloud, "and who could have poisoned the city's water supply with Skooma.... hmmmmm....."

All of a suddenly, a small but ferocious Troll appeared out of nowhere. "Y pose to you a challenges three-" Rex kicked the Troll in its head. "Shut up, stupid beast, or I shall flay the very flesh from your hide!" The Troll began to cry. "Oh, Y was just tryyng to make fryends... nobody lykes me... ys yt because of my speech ympedyment? Or ys yt because Y dydn't have any parents growyng up?" blubbered the hapless Troll, "or ys yt because of the curse place upon my corporeal form?"

"Quiet, beast," Rex soothingly said, "for I too never had any parents, and had an awful lisp as I grew up. You shall tell me of this curse upon your bones, because we are kindred spirits. Who cursed you, good Troll?" "Yt was a Hygh Elf; he had a magycal styck, and sayd hys name was Ocato." "OCATOOOOOOOOOOO!" shouted Rex, like from that one Star Trek movie. "It all makes sense now; he must have been in on the ploy to kick me out; how else would he have known about the bodies?" Rex smashed his powerful hand into the cobblestones of the bridge. "Quickly, Troll, has anyone passed this way? I'm looking for a powerful man... he is said to be a Master of Blades."

"Yes, yes, Y saw a man just lyke that pass by; he was followyng a group of travelers, yncludyng the most pretty maiden Y'd ever seen yn my entyre lyfe." answered N. I.

"Make haste! We must be off; I shall need the aid of this 'Blademaster,' in order to fight against the schemes of Ocato!" Rex lifted the Troll upon his shoulders and took off down the path with the speed of a panther who is on fire.

Which would be pretty awesome, if you ask me.

Next up: The Master of Blades confronts Carro Tsandwich; Broken-Scale proposes; The Son's quest begins anew

Alright, no new entries tonight; I certainly could have typed some up, but I've decided to wait for a Friday mega-bonus helping of awesomeness. Five whole entries, all about as long as the love scene, is what I'm promising. Of course, I could use some help, and you've proven yourselves as excellent co-authors, so I'm giving you all the chance to send me a line for the debut of the Master of Blades. It can be serious, funny, extravagant... any of them.

Also, to give credit where credit is due: Ni!'s line was the first one; Trannigan's was the second; and Carrot's was the last.
Mmm, we'll see what happens. I'll have post one up in a few\
I dunno what you're talking about, Blademaster. The Master of Blades is actually a twenty seven year old Breton woman, not an eighteen year old legend.

Take that, copyright law!

The First of Five

ex-Captain Rex and N. I. the Poop Troll were running down the path, heading towards freedom or some happy crap like that. Honestly, though, they were heading towards Bravil, Cyrodiil's largest trash heap. Suddenly, something awful happened. And by awful, I mean really awful. Anyways, ex-Captain Rex had suddenly tripped, smashing his head upon the ground with a loud "Whoomph!"

Hey, why are they called marshmallows? Nothing about them is particularly marshy, and I don't even know what a mallow is. Also, did I ever say how much I hate Good and Plenty? I did? Well, they svck, really bad. Seriously, why don't you just punch me right in the Aedradamn mouth, candy-giver? Like, come the hell on.

So, ex-Captain Rex stood to his feet, and helped N. I. the Feces Kobold to his feet. "Y u fall?" asked N. I. the [censored] Giant, who immediately began to pick his nose as he waited for an answer. "It appears that some [censored for viewer discretion]-" You know what? This is going to go on for a while, so lets talk about something else. Lets play a game. Pick one character, and I'll write the next entry in their first person perspective. Won't that be fun?

Fifteen minutes later, ex-Captain Rex finally stopped swearing, and drew in a breath. "-left a pair of calipers on the road. What kind of lying, furry moron would do that?" Just then, a lying, furry moron showed up. "Caliper. M'aiq likes calipers." M'aiq the Liar said, "M'aiq knows all, tells some. M'aiq knows who killed the beauties. Goodbye." M'aiq immediately began to run towards Anvil, for some odd reason. Seriously, who wants to go to Anvil? "Oh, look, we have two boats, a [censored]house that denies you service, and a bunch of weirdos living in the town." Oh, the Countess was pretty fine, though. Hey, Ni! - Pants Explosion. That is all. Wait, no. I'll say it right now- Falanu Hlaalu was one of the finest babes ever. I'd dig up her gravesite, if you know what I mean. (I mean carnal relations).

"Wait, what?" ex-Captain Rex, intrigulated at this Khajiit's words, picked up N. I. (who had found a lump of gold in his nose (Trolls have weird storage habits)) and began to chase after the cat-man.

Before he could catch the sloven (yes, I just used that adjective as a noun, and wrongly while I was at it. And I said "wrongly," which probably isn't a word, either), a brick sailed lazily into the air like an intoxicated butterfly, and smashed ex-Captain Rex in the face. The brick crumbled into a bunch of little pieces, and ex-Captain Rex was completely fine, what with his exaggerated face muscles.

"I'm completely fine," said ex-Captain Rex, "but who dares to throw a Brick at ex-Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus?" Activating VATS Looking around with his eagle eyes, ex-Captain Rex spotted a shriveled up looking scamp hiding in a nearby frond of leaves. Is that even a thing? A frond of leaves? Whatevs, I don't give a damn. Make it a bush, you stickler.

"Teehee," shrieked the scamp, "Me hit big big man in face with cube rock." Both N. I. and ex-Captain Rex paused a moment to look at the moronic beast. "Y thynk that daedra ys touched yn the head," N. I. verbosatated, "how about we kyll hym?" N. I. and ex-Captain Rex began to snap their fingers menacingly at the little Scamp, and slowly danced over to where he was hiding in the bushes.

Just then, a large ball of fire came shooting out of the fronds, headed right fo-

Cliffhanger! Part One!


Two is a Company - Inside the Minds of Broken-Scale and Lady Syl

Broken-Scale's Hectic Proposal

I looked into the Mazken's eyes. "Dudette, you're like, totally beautiful. Lets make love," I said as I eyed her eyes, "like, now, sixy." I slid my slimy, wet tongue out of my mouth; it was at least a radical sixteen inches long. I ran my instrument across her face; this is how Argonians typically show love. The pinkish muscle entered her eardrum, and I began to lay seeds in her ear. The little Hist would soon grow up; normally, the hectic trees would kill their host, but this wouldn't be the case with my busty blue babe, as she was a Daedra. "Oh, yeah," she moaned to me, "how about you take off that bandanna so I can see your eyes?"

"TOTALLY NOT COOL, BABE! I knew you didn't really love me!" I shrieked as I withdrew my proboscizing tongue into my massive orifice, "You'll never know my secrets!" Taking a page from the sixy Schmut E., I blindly flailed out to slap her across the face. As I pulled back my hand, I looked down in horror to see my Spear of Chaos rammed through her face. "Oh, no, no, what have I done? This isn't tubular at all, oh no no no," I began to cry; in my haste to get away from her motionless body, I slipped upon the growing pool of blood, and fell face down onto the rocky island.

"What have I done, what have I done," I muttered, "she loved me, didn't she? No, she was trying to get my mondo secrets, I couldn't let her do that." Needing to remove myself from this scene, I leaped into the lake surrounding the tiny rock, and swam to the bottom of the lake to think. As I sat there, pondering what I had done, a shadow passed over my motionless form. I peered up into the radical darkness to find out what was following me.

The figure approached me, and I immediately began to cry. "Babe!? What... how are you alive?" I shrieked as I leapt into her arms. She carried me up out of the water, and we returned to the island. The ragged wound on her hectic tubular mondo radical face was already healed up, in a matter of fifteen minutes. "Silly, don't you know that Mazken can't be wounded by the ones they love?" she whispered, "Now where were we?" We passionately kissed, and fell into the throes of ecstasy as we made exciting, interspecies love on the hard island. "Babe," I said as we took a break, "I love you. Lets have a civil union." The Mazken's eyes welled up with tears, and we kissed again in the pale moonlight.

Lady Syl - After the Act

I lit the cigarette, then inhaled deeply. As I blew smoke out of my nose, I looked over to the Imperial, Tran the Gan, who I'd just played "Find the Hole" with. "So, Tran the Gan," I said to the shaking man, "looks like your White Gold Tower fits perfectly inside my Imperial City." Tran didn't respond, and for good reason; as a member of the Isles, I'd had more than enough time to perfect my techniques. "Hahaha," I laughed maniacally, "that'll teach Thadon to send one of his paintings to Lord Sheogorath, instead of his beautiful wife." Tran the Gan continued to shake, bouncing up and down on the wet sand of the hidden love cove. I'd had it installed on the mortal world's entrance to the Shivering Isles for a purpose like this; a good Lady is always aware of every given situation, and does anything, or anyone, to get the advantage.

As I sat there, naked in the pale moonlight, I considered the treachery of the Khajiit above. "How did he kill such a large number of my forces? I bet he is conspiring with my enemies to get me...yes, that must be it." I giggled a paranoid laugh, and admired my well-toned, nvde form as I did so. It takes a lot of work to keep a figure this good, I thought. I smiled broadly, and turned back to the Imperial. Wait... he was friends with the Khajiit... and no one can be that attractive, if they aren't me... then again, he is incapacitated at the moment.

I ignored the Imperial as I left the cove. Wait... that girl, Carro... why didn't she want to be in on this? Especially since I was one of the lovers? And no one can be as attractive as me. She must be working for my enemies as well! Forming a plan in my mind, I jumped into the water and began to swim quickly towards the [censored]hole of Bravil. "I'll have to go kill her," I shrieked as I swam through the water, "can't let my enemies know where I am, no I can't!"

@Lady Syl - She is also insanse, so it could have been an imaginary cigarette! The storyteller takes all possibilities into account, you see!
@Trannigan - It is subtly implied that Tran the Gan had a major crotch explosion... he'll never be the same.

Third Times the Charm

-r N. I. the Crap Ogre's face. "Y me?" shrieked N. I. as he dove behind ex-Captain Rex's sturdy frame. "Draaaaagooooooooon Shout!" dragon shouted ex-Captain Rex as he dragon shouted at the oncoming burning ball. Suddenly, time stopped, and ex-Captain Rex picked up the quivering Poo-Poo Troll, moved him five feet to the left, and unstopped time. The orb of fire continued on its burnirating path, and slapped into ex-Captain Rex's powerful, manly body. The fire spread out in a really cool, Matrixy slo-mo way, but ex-Captain Rex ignored this and remained standing.

How. Bad. Ass.

Now infuriated, ex-Captain Rex drop-kicked his way into the fronds, as he had done many a-time before (although, generally with the ladies), and grabbed the Scamp as he attempted to scamper (hahahahahahahahahah) away. "You little beast! Time to die!" said ex-Captain Rex; large muscles bulging, ex-Captain Rex twisted the little demon's head right off of its body. After pouring a decent amount of its blood onto his body, he tossed the small daedra to the ground. "Draaaaagooooooooon Laugh!" dragon laughed ex-Captain Rex. Meanwhile, N. I. was eating the still-warm body of the Scamp.

"Uh, Y don't feel so good..." muttered N. I.. Suddenly, the Troll began to shiver and shake; his muscles bulged outwards, then inwards, then left and/or right. Also, he began to howl at the pale moonlight. The hunched Troll straightened out, then some stuff happened and voila! He has turned into a lycanthrope.

"What in the name of That-One-Goddess-Who-Likes-To-Party-If-You-Know-What-I-Mean!" blasphemied ex-Captain Rex, "Little Troll, you have becomed a werewolf!" No longer a Poop Troll, N. I. Exclamation Point has become a Werewolf!

Also, I was beginning to get sick of the whole "Poop Troll" thing, because really, he was bringing the story down. This is a story of awesomeness, not some sad small Troll covered in feces. So, he has turned into a werewolf.

Oh, and another thing about Werewolf Island (Solstheim). I go up there, looking for werewolves, because it is werewolf island, and it took for-ev-er to find them. Seriously, and then they were like, little hairy dogmen. Why are you scared of this, seven-foot-tall Nord with a silver weapon? Come on, dude. Although, they did freak me right the hell out when I went hunting. Still, come on.

"Arooooo!" arooed N. I. "Must... eat... meat...." His laser pointer eyes focused in on ex-Captain Rex's pants. "Give.... me.... your.... meat," growled N. I. Luckily, ex-Captain Rex just happened to carry around a whole mess of sausage (pronounced "so-sa-gee") links in his pockets, so he pulled out a few feet and tossed them over to N. I. "Thanks, bruv," said N. I. He had also lost his "Y" for "I" speech impediment.

So, the man and wolf continued on their way, nearing Bravil with every passing step. Suddenly, a large, spiky log feel towards the two, knocking them unconscious with the speed of chloroform on a dirty rag. A group of scantily clad women leaped out of the trees, and dragged our man and wolf off to a location unk-

Cliffhanger Part Deux! What will happen to our brave heroes, now that they are in the hands of the occult? Find out, next time! Also, maybe the Master of Blades is going to show up!

@Schmuty - Well, what would you rather have? Boring old ladies, or hot young babes?
@Werewolf&Vampire - Thanks very much. Stick around, you might get a spot in the upcoming entries. Always could use a half-wolf half-vamp for a more grim character.
@Broken-Scale - Just giving the people what they asked for.

The Fourthening

Back on the island, Schmut E. was looking into the pale moonlight, that came from the pale moon that hung in the night sky like some all seeing eye. And you could tell the eye was judging you, oh yes. Judging you for all of your sins. Meanwhile, Schmut E. was thinking about how much he hated the Mazken woman who was trying to get his attention. Suddenly, an idea erected in his head. "Oi! Look over there!" shouted Schmut E. as he pointed towards the glowing gate, "that Aureal wants to jump my bones!" Steaming with rage, the Mazken immediately jumped into the portal; Schmut E. had used his Ring of Plot Device Trickery to Trick the Mazken into thinking an Aureal was in the portal. The young scholar breathed a sigh of relief, and noticed The Son by a pool of some white powder. "Crikey! Whaddya doing over there, mate?" Schmut E. enquired as he began to fry up some shrimp on the barbie.

Speaking of which, I read that Aussies say "Prawn," not "Shrimp." How insightful.

"This powder is so sweet," said The Son, "I think I will take the whole poolfull with me." The Son opened up one of those little potion bottles that he just so happened to have, and filled it with the tasty powder. "So, Schmut E.," said The Son as he sat down next to the aforementioned Schmut E., "Where'd everyone go?" The two looked around; indeed, all of their party members were gone, although they could hear loud grunting noises slapping up from a lower level of the island. "Croikey!" asphyxiated Schmut E. "I don't have a clue, bruv!" The two started to leave the island, when they noticed a frightening sight in the pale moonlight. Oh, man, I just rhymulated the hell out of that sentence.

Standing on the shore of the lake was a ferocious looking bear. The creature was wearing a top hat, and had a menacing looking hammer clutched in its jaws. "Crikey! That can't be... the Rough Hug Bear!" shrieked Schmut E. in terror. They both blanched, and hid behind the nearby sacrificial altar. The bear's winking gaze seemed to follow their every movement; when they peered over the top of the altar, there it was, standing silently, waiting for them. "Crikey, this isn't ace at all, bruv! What're we gonna do?"

The Son peeked out from the left side of the altar; the Rough Hug Bear was still watching them, and then this really cool zoom into his eyes thing sort of happened. Inside, you could see nothing but burning misery, tempered with the loving touch of coolocity. "Skyyyriiiiim," his eyes moaned, "Skyyyyyriiiiiiim..... tooooo maaaaaaanyyyy."

"That is the scariest thing I've ever seen in my entire life," said The Son as he returned to his hiding spot. Schmut E., meanwhile, was attempting to activate a scroll of teleportation, hoping to get away from the piercing stare of the Rough Hug Bear. "Wait, Schmut E. Why is this Bear looking at us?" Schmut E. stopped for a moment, and began to speakerate with The Son. "I've heard stories about the Rough Hug Bear; I am a bloody scholar, you know. The Rough Hug Bear uses his Banded Hammer to strike fear into the hearts of those who disobey the law; he has a piercing stare that could stop even the most powerful of men in his tracks. Nothing can stop the Rough Hug Bear, aside from one weapon: the Staff of G."

"Uh-oh," thought The Son, remembering the whole "I poisoned the entire water supply of the Imperial City with Skooma" thing, "So, uhm, when is it going to go away?" The Son looked out at the Bear again; he had removed the Banded Hammer from his mouth, and was now mouthing the words "Post count reached. Thread locked," over and over again. Schmut E. looked at The Son, and responded that the Rough Hug Bear generally has to sleep at night; as the two heroes looked again, the Rough Hug Bear was indeed fast asleep on the shores of the lake.

"Crikey, we need to get everyone and get out of here, fast! As long as we aren't in a fifty mile radius of the Rough Hug Bear, it can't Banded Hammer us!" The two men immediately began the search for their companions.

But will they find them in time? Who knows? But me? Question mark? Find out next time!

She always could be smoking candy cigarretes. You never know with a Lady like Syl. I'll have another couple of entries up today; we might see what happens to Rex, might introduce Master of Blades, and we might even get to see The Master Thief make his debut.

Well, I'm trying to find a good spot to debut the MoB, and I haven't found it yet. And yes, it is a sales gimmick. It is possible that the Master Thief is indeed related to the Thieves Guild, and yes, he is the Grey Fox.

I had a really good idea about the last title (The Fourthening) today while I was playing NV, but I've completely forgotten it, so here we are at.... The Countdown to Excitation

As the two men searched frantically for Broken-Scale and Tran the Gan, Lady "I don't have a clue about modesty" Syl was making her naked way to the garbage dump of Bravil. She soon reached the shore, just near the entrance to Bravil. As she climbed out of the water, her shapely form glistening in the moonlight, she thought she heard a grunt of dismay nearby. Of course, I'm going to have to tell you about this grunt of dismay, because that is just how I tell a story.

The grunt belonged to one Lord Thadon, who was the actual Duke of Mania. You know, the happy fun time place. Lord Thadon was an interesting sort of fellow; he had a massive silo of Greenmote, liked to paint, and wore a really cool hat. He was also married to Lady Syl, and was probably investigating her disappearance. You know, cause he loves her and whatnot.

Lord Thadon was grunting because he was currently locked in Mortal Kombat with a Will of the Wisp. Guh, I groaned as I wrote that as well. Seriously, stop disappearing on me, you stupid ball of light! I hate your guts! "Sheeargh!" sheearghed Lord Thadon as the WIll of the Wisp disappeared yet again. "How will I ever defeat this creature?" questioned the non-lame Bosmer.

I'd like to take a moment to speak about Bosmer. Lots of Bosmer are lame. I mean, about 75% of their race... they aren't very good at anything. In fact, I believe that all of the cool ones are forced into the Shivering Isles: Thadon, Syl, Cutter... I'm fairly certain they were all Bosmer, and they were all pretty intense.

Luckily, Lord Thadon was merely slightly mad, and he had a weapon most devious to defeat the Will of the Wisp. As the creature moved in to Drain his Fatigue or something, Lord Thadon drew his Cheese Sword of Cheesiness and plunged it into the annoying beast's heart (or whatever Will of the Wisps have). The beast exploded in a massive fireworks ball of fireworksiness, upon which Lord Thadon danced a little bit, as he was apt to do.

Lady Syl, meanwhile, had easily bribed the gate guard to let her into the massive pile of refuse that was Bravil, and had found Carro Tsandwich wandering the streets. Lady Syl immediately pulled that one Hammer she had out of.... forget it; point was, she had her Hammer at the ready.

The Duchess swung her Hammer with a magnificent groan, muscles shining in the moonlight, towards Carro's head. Suddenly a man appeared, and with a shout, threw himself at the oblivious Carro.

Who could this man be? Will our heroes escape the Rough Hug Bear? And will I ever get around to introducing the Master of Blades? What is happening to ex-Captain Rex and Werewolf N. I.? Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z The Tale of Pepjiit!

To all who are unaware; the "her shapely form glistening in the moonlight" was indeed a line borrowed from the majestic Lady Syl. I felt that it was quite appropriate for the situation, and come on. It is a pretty hot line.

The Continuation of the Countdown to Excitation: From the Perspective of Carro Tsandwich

I glided along the disgusting road of the scum hole that was Bravil. Beautiful tears slid down my equally attractive face, falling to the muddy road. I noticed that, like always, small flowers would spring up where the tears had landed. "Why am I so beautiful?" I sang to the heavens; the pale moonlight of the two moons shone down upon my exquisite form. This highlights my hair nicely, I thought, no! I am crying right now! I continued to cry, and as I did so, a nearby guard jumped into the "river" in sadness, never to surface again. "Why doesn't Tran the Gan love one as beautiful as I? He chose to go with that short person, Syl, rather than me!" I continued to cry.

Suddenly, I heard groan behind me; as I began to turn about to see who it was, a shout emanated from my left, and a large weight fell into my attractive body. I fell into the mud, and its dirty brownness stained my gorgeous white dress. "How dare you!" I shrieked, turning towards my attacker. Standing in the pale moonlight was a man; his face was covered by a grey mask, although his strong jawline remained free from its tight stranglehold. A few feet away, that diminuitive elf Syl stood naked, a large Hammer held in her hands. The weapon was firmly stuck into the ground. "Syl, you tramp!" I shouted, "you tried to kill me!"

The man, meanwhile, was standing in between my own stunning body and Syl. "Fear not, fair maiden! I shall protect thou from thouest attacker!" As I stood up, pulling myself from the clutching hands of the mud, I took a better look at my potential savior. The grey mask he wore had odd lettering that glistened bright blue in the light of Tamriel's moons, and other than the mask, he wore a suit of leather armor. The man hadn't yet drawn the wicked looking blade that hung from his back; depsite Syl's current weakness, he wasn't moving to attack her. "Kill the [censored]!" I shouted; then I quickly blushed, ashamed that my gorgeous lips could say such an awful word.

Syl, meanwhile, had pulled her Hammer out of the ground, and was readying it for another swing at my striking form. "Halt!" shouted the man in a commanding tone. Syl immediately stopped, and with a confused look on her face, dropped the Hammer to the ground. "Fair Lady, why do you seek to harm this woman?" questioned the man. "The little harlet is clearly working for my enemies!" shrieked Syl, "how else could one other than myself be so beautiful?!?" The man strode over to Syl, and whispered something in her ear. A look of sheer terror passed over her face, and with a light moan, the Bosmer passed out.

Before she fell into the muddy earth, the man caught her, and slung her over his shoulder with ease. "Who are you?" I enquired, "why did you save me?" The man looked at me incredulously, then bellowed out a hearty laugh. "A gentleman like myself couldn't very well let one as beautiful as you be harmed, now could he? Come, fair maiden, for one such as yourself shouldn't be walking the streets of a place like this alone."

Who could this man be? Where is he taking the two best looking people of the story so far? And will our heroes escape the Rough Hug Bear? Find out next time!

Super Extra Special Entry - The Debut of The Master Thief, As Relayed By The Master Thief, told from the perspective of The Master Thief. Also, it is extra special for another reason, but you'll have to ask about that one directly!

I hefted Syl's naked body upon my shoulder. The maiden followed close behind me; apparently, my warnings of murderers and thugs struck true to the fair young lass. "First, I shall have to clothe this Lady Syl," I said to no-one in particular, "then, I shall find us something to eat. You look very hungry, you know." The maiden looked down towards her stomach; the excitement of the day must have distracted her from her physical needs. We left the city by way of the gate; nearby, a small Bosmer was dancing near a glowing ball of colored fire. I ignored the man; he didn't seem to notice me, and we continued on our way. Soon enough, we arrived at my small boat. I gently placed Syl inside of the vessel, and covered her with a small blanket; she was still sleeping qutie soundly. The fair maiden behind me was still silent; I held out my hand to her and helped her into the boat.

"Now, we must travel to the island in the center of the lake to retrieve your friends," I explained to the maiden, "before he-" at which point I motioned to a nearby sleeping bear- "awakens at first light." The maiden's jaw dropped open; before she could shriek, I placed a gloved hand over her mouth. "Be silent, or the Rough Hug Bear will find himself awakened much too early." The maiden nodded, and I pushed the boat into the water.

We quickly arrived at the island in the center of the lake. As we neared the rocky protrusion, I noticed a masked Argonian and a Mazken going at it like a couple of cliffracers near the water's edge. "Turn away thine eyes, dear maiden," I exclaimed, "lest thou see-est a sight most foul." The maiden complied, and I lifted a small piece of cheese from my food pouch. I threw the item directly at the Argonian, who quickly halted his movements and looked up to see the approaching boat. "Dude, like, totally not cool," he complained, "I'm like, busy here."

"Desist your love-making, for now!" I shouted, "for the Rough Hug Bear sleeps upon yonder shore, and we must make haste if we are to remove ourselves from his local in time!" The Argonian looked towards the shore of the lake, and immediately leapt to his feet. The Mazken was pulled along with him and a cry, and the two extricated themselves from each other before letting out a shout of terror. "Dude, that Bear is like, huge! Why is he wearing such a rad top hat?" I pulled the boat up onto the island, and motioned for the two to get dressed while I searched for the others of their party.

Racing up the short path, I encountered an odd scene. Two men, a Khajiit and an Imperial, had their heads jammed into a hole in the center of the island. Muffled shouts emitted from the entrances; to me, it seemed that someone was trapped down there. "Hail, good sirs!" I greeted the two, "who is stuck in that hole?"

The men, surprised at my greeting, quickly pulled out of the hole and drew their weapons. Seeing that I had no ill intentions, they lowered their tools of murder and gave me a puzzled look. "Crikey, mate, you scared the prawns right offa me!" he said, "what are you doing here?" I brushed by the two men to gaze into the hole. Another man was lying down inside of it; he was writhing on the ground, entirely disrobed. I reached into my pack and pulled out a length of rope. "Hold this, if you want to escape the Rough Hug Bear," I said to the men. With a look of fear passing between them, the two quickly took hold of the rope as I lowered myself into the maw of the island.

I landed quietly on the sand of the cavern; the writhing man, taking no notice of me, continued to writhe upon the floor. I picked up his sword and clothing, and threw the items up into the waiting hands of the two men. Moving with the speed of an endangered white mountain lion, I hefted the writhing man up by his shoulders, tied the rope around his waist, then motioned for the two men to pull him up. They did so, and rather than wait for the rope to come back down, I chose to leap out of the cavern with the grace of a leaping ogre.

"Alright," I said, "we must get out of this place before the Rough Hug Bear awakens; we have just about five hours to do so." I helped the two men carry their writhing friend to the boat; as we placed him next to the sleeping Syl, the Argonian said what turned out to be the most awful words of the day. "Dude, look!" he shouted, "that Bosmer is trying to use the Rough Hug Bear's hammer to cobble his shoes!"

I turned slowly about to look upon the scene; indeed, the dancing Bosmer from before had lifted up the massive Banded Hammer and was attempting to hit the soles of his velvety shoes with them. "By the Gods," I said, "quickly, we must leave now! The Rough Hug Bear is going to wake up!" The Mazken, Khajiit, and Imperial were the first to leap into the boat; they were soon followed by the Argonian and myself. As we began to paddle out towards the sea, the sleeping Syl awoke with a cry. As she looked about in confusion, she noticed the Bosmer on the shore, hitting his shoes with the Banded Hammer. "My Thadon!" she cried, "we have to save him from that large rabbit!"

The men ignored her, and continued to paddle the boat out to sea. One of them, the Imperial in a scholar's robes, even slapped her across the face. I reached out and purloined the paddles from their hands; they soon noticed this and began to ponder as to where the paddles had disappeared to. "I must go save the Bosmer from the Rough Hug Bear," I explained, "you will all be safe from the Bear out here." Before I jumped out of the boat, I planted a kiss upon the massive ring that adorned the Lady's hand. "By my word as a gentleman, I shall retrieve this Thadon to safety. Wait here, dear lady, as I save your beloved from the Rough Hug Bear." I dived into the water, and began to swim with the speed of a gazelle towards the sleeping place of the Bear.

Will The Master Thief save Thadon in time? Will Syl ever put some damn clothes on? What about Pepjiit? Will the perfect sugary beverage ever be made?

I might update tonight, depending on how long my francais homework takes me.

The Next Entry

Our heroes looked on with unbridled fear as the Master Thief swammed towards the beachy shoreline in an attempt to save Lord Thadon from certain doom. As he was swumming, Syl had Summoned a set of Finery from somewhere; apparently, she was tired of being so naked all of the time. Meanwhile, Lord Thadon had dropped the Banded Hammer, and was attempting to kickbox with a mudcrab. "Sheeargh! Foul beast!" shrieked Thadon; the mudcrab had pulled out a spear, and was currently in the process of impaling Thadon in the knees. The Rough Hug Bear was starting to roll around; clearly, he was about to wake up.

Just as The Master Thief was reaching the shoreline, the Rough Hug Bear awakened. His powerful stare fell upon the Duke of Dementia and the mudcrab like an overpass collapsing upon a schoolbus filled with puppies and rainbows: it wasn't pretty at all, and many women started to cry. In this case, it was one woman, Lady Syl, for she knew that her Lord Thadon was about to be Banded Hammered to the wastes of Oblivion.

Now, you might be saying to me "Hey, The Master Thief, how does that make sense? Thadon comes from Oblivion, so that wouldn't be too bad, right?" Well, shut right the hell up, dear reader, because I'm the author, and quite frankly, I'm sick of you questioning me in these fake conversations. Seriously, back off: I have a plan.

The Banded Hammer, you see, was the Artifact of one Jyggsy, the Daedric God of Order and Pizzas. With the Banded Hammer, the wielder could instantaneously teleport the victim to Jyggsy's Realm of Order, where they would be forced to do incredibly boring things for the rest of their lives. Just as the Rough Hug Bear was about to pulverize the Lord and Mudcrab, an unexpected occurrence occurred. The Master Thief, with his powers of Thieving Mastery, had Thieved the Banded Hammer from the Rough Hug Bear. The Bear, now even more enraged about his being woken up, drew his back up Banded Hammer from literally nowhere.

"Thadon," shouted The Master Thief, "you must get to your beautiful wife, before she loses herself with grief over your disappearance into Order!" Thadon, besnapped out of his trance, jumped into the lake to chase after Lady Syl. However, Thadon, in his haste, had forgotten his one true weakness: that he didn't know how to swim.

"Help me, I don't know how to swim!" cried Lord Thadon, "I am drowning! Glub glub glub!" Actually, Thadon wasn't drowning, but just splashing about while saying "Glub glub glub!" In short, he was making a scene. Luckily, the mudcrab who he had been fighting wasn't one for letting the Rich drown, and so he allowed Thadon to climb upon his shell, and the two swam out to the boat.

"My darling!" cried Syl, "you are safe!" Thadon leapt into her arms, and they kissed passionately. As the group all said "Aww!" (aside from the incredibly jaded Schmut E. Buncis, that is), the mudcrab had crawled up into the boat after Thadon. Broken-Scale, who was watching the happy scene transpire, suddenly felt a poking at his shoulder. Looking down, the Argonian saw the medium sized mudcrab prodding him with a small, mudcrab sized spear. "Dude, that is like, so radical! Look, honey, this mudcrab has a spear!" The Mazken giggled in delight at the happy little mudcrab, who was somehow wearing a large smile on his otherwise crustacean face. Also, he had a top hat.

"I'm, like, going to keep you and name you Happy Crabs, the Happy Crab!" Broken-Scale pulled out a length of rope (which he always carried), and tied the mudcrab onto his back, for ease of travel.

Yeah, that is right. I just gave Broken-Scale a shell. With pincers.

Meanwhile, the Rough Hug Bear and the Master Thief had beguned to fight. "Crikey! Lookit 'em go!" Schmut E. said, given that he was the only one watching the fight. The Bear, with a powerful stare, was swinging his Banded Hammer in slow motion. As it was about to impact with the Master Thief's head, the aforementioned Thief rose his Banded Hammer to meet the challenge. The two artifacts collided, and in a flash of light, both the Rough Hug Bear and the Master Thief disappeared.

"Huh. Looks like they're gone. I didn't like that bloke, anyways," said Schmut E., "so, where to next?" The Son, who had been quiet for quite some time, explained to the group that they were to be off to the South. "I've heard tales of an ancient witch who lived in the deserts," he said, "who knew of a very special brew. Perhaps the drink I've been looking for all this time."

Up next- Whatever happened to ex-Captain Rex

The Master Thief, on 04 May 2011 - 09:48 PM, said:

Well, shut right the hell up, dear reader, because I'm the author, and quite frankly, I'm sick of you questioning me in these fake conversations. Seriously, back off: I have a plan.


I jest, I jest. Don't worry Syl, I have a plan for ToP's Syl and Thadon. In my tale, they are married (literally), and something involving shareholders, death, and blah blah blah will happen. For an intriguing side arc.

New update tonight, probably around eleven. Featuring: ex-Captain Rex, N. I. Exclamation Point, and the occult.



Happy Mother's Day - What Happened to ex-Captain Rex and N. I.

So this is the Mother's Day update. First, I'd like to say Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there. Secon, I find it sort of ironic that the only character with a mother (The Son) hates his mother and she is dead/skooma poisoned. Hahaha, that is so awful.

Now, what happened to ex-Captain Rex and N. I.

ex-Captain Rex awokened with a start. "Guh? Muh? Buh?" he grumbled; however, the sounds issuing from his face hole were muffled, as a large length of rope was shoved into his mouth. The ex-Captain, using his eyepower, observed his surroundings. A group of scantily clad jungle people surrounded the ex-Captain, all chanting and dancing in that stereotypical jungle people way. A giant bonfire raged in the center of the clearing, and weird smokey figures were emerging from its sheer burningness. As ex-Captain Rex was taking a close look at some of the dancing women, he heard a loud shriek from the massive stone temple that was also there.

Seriously, this is just so overdone. Gah, how boring this is. Alright, stick with me, dear reader, and we'll get through this together.

"Groar!" groared ex-Captain Rex, bulging his bulging muscles outwards to bulge the ropes from his body. Oh, yeah, he was also tied up with ropes. The ropes, bulged from his bulging muscles, bulged outwards and bulged with a snap. "You shall pay for what you have done to me!" said ex-Captain Rex, "Also, I must find that little werewolf I was traveling with!" He leaped upon a nearby jungle man, and after incapacitating him, by breaking all of his limbs and neck, removed the weapons from his body. "So much blood!" ex-Captain Rex yelled, for there was more blood than there had ever been before. The ex-Captain swung his sword through the air, and his sheer might caused the air itself to shatter in a startling display of the destruction of all the known laws of physics, or whatever that is in Tamriel.

The jungle people, unable to breath because of the lack of air, had their heads exploderated in an incredibly gory fashion. "Gouarhoeuaflekahoeiflkejf!" groaned the head-exploding jungle-people, right before their heads exploded. ex-Captain Rex, meanwhile, was deeply inhaling the un-air, because he was just that thirsty for not-making much sense.

As the air tentatively flowed back into the clearing, like a puppy who just ate the last piece of bacon (I know it was you, you rotten hypothetical puppy. Don't give me that hypothetical look. No! Bad puppy! That was my bacon, and you just ate it before I could! How dare you! You rotten son of a [censored]! I oughta throw you into a ballpit full of cats! How would you like that one? Little jerk), ex-Captain Rex had already jumped fifteen feet straight up to the top of the temple (not having any mortaring substance other than feces doesn't mean you can build big).

Yes, that is one sentence. Deal with it. Oh, hey, so is this.

The ex-Captain entered the temple, and found himself confronted by a scene most dire. N. I. lay upon the ground, cleaved open from throat to crotch. All of his organs were removed, and they lay scattered across the floor of the temple. Standing in the shadows across the room was a shadowy figure, who was clearly in the shadows because s/he was shadowy. The ex-Captain, moved by the apparent death of his new friend, raised his blade and flew across the room in a rage.

As he swung the blade towards the shadowy figure enshadowed by shadows, the shadowy figure made a move with his/her hands. Suddenly, ex-Captain Rex was suspended in mid-air, his blade almost touching the shadowy figure's neck. "How good of you to join me," whispered the shadowy figure, "now, we'll have to do something about... your condition."

The shadowy figure reached out, and firmly grasped the ex-Captain's belt clasp with his/her hands.

What could this shadowy figure be up to next? Is N. I. really dead? Will I ever kill any of these characters? Yes, I think I will. Voting for whomever gets to die starts.... right now!

Pssh, he'll be fine. I think that once this rolls over to thread two, I'll compile all of the posts into one, make that the new post, then have a second post explaining the meanings behind some of chapter 1's stuff.

ex-Captain Rex's scene will be next up.

Actually, I'm thinking of having a water monster of some sort attack the boat, instantly killing everyone aboard. That, or the cliched "Hey, look! A hurricane! Whoa, we've been separated!"

Blah Blah Blah Title Update - aka I can't remember what the last title was, and I'm not going back a page to look at it.

The shadowy figure of shadows had firmly grasped ex-Captain Rex's belt buckle, and was about to remove the aformentioned belt from the ex-Capta- Hey, pervs! Bet you thought this would be another love making update, huh? Well, guess what? You are dead wrong. One per thread, that is what you get. Mmmm, I just had an exceptionally excellent idea- you can request who you want to see for the next scene! Yes, that will entice a return to this awful, disease ridden novel, with all of the horrible anecdotes I decide to tell you. There we go. I've ensnared you all in my web now. My awesome, awesome laser web, with fireballs and metal spikes and whatnot.

So, the shadowy figure threw ex-Captain Rex back across the room, and plucked his mighty sword out of the air. The sword was instantly destroyed, for some odd reason. Probably blew up, or ignited, or shattered. I dunno, use your imagination.

"No! I am without a weapon!" shouted ex-Captain Rex, "Oh, wait! A convieneiently placed lever! I shall pull it and see what happens!" Rex loved to exclaim things, as you can see. Growing up, he was one of those scrawny little fellows, whom nobody liked, mainly because he aspired to be a Captain of the Guard (he lived in the bad part of town. You know, the one next to that one racist woman? By the Eight and One, I hated her. I literally murdered her husband in his sleep, and she was completely fine with that the next day. What a sick freak. Speaking of sick freaks, I'm looking at you, you damn hypothetical puppy. Why would you eat the last piece of bacon? It was mine, damnit, it was mine....).

"By Mannicarmo, don't pull that lever!" cried out the shadowy figure, "otherwise, my true form will be revealed!" Naturally, ex-Captain Rex yanked hard on the erect lever, and also quite naturally, the lever did some wacky magic, and the shadowy figure's true form was revealed.

But whom could it be? Find out... right now. Nah, you'll see later.

Back on the Boat

As ex-Captain Rex was giving the lever a tug, our group of heroes was/were all on the small boat. Broken-Scale and the Mudcrab were using their combined seaman prowess to manouever the boat in subtle, yet helpful, ways; the Mazken was watching her betrothed as he did so; Lady Syl and Lord Thadon were watching the stars like a couple of happy people (they were both "smoking" "cigarettes" "too"); Schmut E. Buncis was thinking about slapping someone else (preferably a female); Carro Tsandwich was mourning the heroic sacrifice/loss of the Master Thief; Tran the Gan was recovering from his newfound love of carnal relations; and the Son was doing something unimportant.

Funny, that: The Son is the hero of the story, and he hasn't said much at all. Ah, well, he'll have his moment. Someday.

A few months later, the group arrived at the shores of Elsweyr, land of the Khajiiti. Naturally, they were all quite sick of one another, and so they went their separate ways, with a promise to return to this exact same landing spot in three hours. Hey, shut up. They weren't that sick of each other, alright. They just needed to get some things done, okay?

So, let us follow Carro Tsandwich, for now. She had taken off towards the nearest town, Blaidainfawel (which stood for "Town of At or Above Average Beauty"), a small settlement established by the Leyawiinical Conjuring of 3EWhatever Date is Ten Years Before Whatever Date This Is Currently. The Leyawiinical Conjuring wasn't the best group; they liked to beat up those more poverty struicken than themselves. Often times, the Elyaconju, as they were shortened to, were the ones causing the poverty in the first place.

"Stop! Criminal Scum!" exclaimed a Guard as Carro entered the town. Naturally, when Carro took off her hood, the guard paused and blinked, then chopped off his tongue for daring to say such a thing. He quickly realized that slighting on as beautiful as her was an ill omen indeed, so he drove his sword through his head as well. As the blood showered about Carro, drenching the streets with the crimson of his failure, the Maiden spotted a small Palace a short distance away. A large gathering of people had amassed outside of its entrance, eagerly awaiting word from the fairest Queen in I don't remember the Stupid Name I gave this Town.

Carro, attracted by the crowd (of potential admirers), stroded purposefully over to the entrance, and stood silently in the back. A few men noticed her, and quickly began to cry tears of joy as their eyes slowly started to smolder, burning directly out of their heads. It was like staring at a thousand suns, to some; to others, it was like eating the last piece of bacon. Yeah, I'm not dropping it, you rotten hypothetical puppy. It was my piece, damn you to hell!

The Queen exited her palace, and gazed upon her crowd of followers. Her beauty was unsurpassed, until Carro showed up; once the Queen spotted her in the crowd (the pile of corpses was enough to do so), she ordered her guards to seize the young Maiden.

"Awright, lass," said the first guard, "you're coming with us! No-one but a Deamon can be as pretty as Queen _____!" Just as the men were about to seize her, another man, this one more well-dressed, jumped out of the onlookers, and drew his blade. "Fear not! 'Tis I, the Ma-

Who could it be? Hint: Think of the only two people I've mentioned with Ma- in their names, then guess on that. Also, I didn't name the Queen because I, quite frankly, don't care.

The Update of Mortality - Also known as, the shortened version, because I clicked on a [censored] link on the [censored] favorites bar. I'm not even kidding about how pissed I am, the update was gonna be three times the length of this, and it is gone

Meanwhile, Schmut E. "I'm the Best Looking Scholar in the World" Buncis had trekked to the Library of the aformentioned Stupidly Named City. He was reading a musty old tome entitled "Treatise of Pelagius the Mad's 'Naked Nine' and the Subsequent 'Papal Clothed Rebellion,'" a subject which interested him greatly, for he was Martin "I used to Party" Septim's bastard son. Schmut E. never had aspirations for the throne; really, all he wanted to do was slap people and read, so he had never told anyone about his Divine blood.

As Schmut E. read his tome, the Librarian of the Library was busy encapturing his unrequited physical beauty and intelligence with her eyes. Never before had she seen a man as handsome as Schmut E. The Librarian was one of those chicks that looks super hot as soon as she takes off her glasses, ensorcelling men with promises of forbidden knowledge (section D, fifth shelf down). She sixily walked over to Schmut E. and tosed the "Treatise of Pelagius the Mad's 'Naked Nine' and the Subsequent 'Papal Clothed Rebellion'" onto the ground. The ancient book broke into a little million pieces, then exploded in a fiery burst of energy, which in turn set fire to the rest of the Library, with Schmut E. and the Librarian still inside.

"Crikey!" Schmut E. began to demand retribution; as the words left his mouth, something blocked the way. In this case, it was her chest, being shoved into his face. Before Schmut E. could react, the Librarian drew a hidden dagger from her dress and thrusted the weapon toward Schmut E.'s head. Luckily, Schmut E. had extricated himself from bosoms, and caught the blade in his hand. Unluckily, his hand was now impaled by her knife.

Schmut E., being a manly scholar, pulled the dagger right out. Like that body-shaper from Rurouni Kenshin, if you know who I mean. If you don't, go look that panel up, then tell me the body-shaper's name, cause I can't remember it. Oh, and if you don't, I'm not going to update after this. Until I get an answer. Yeah, deal with it. Like that bacon-eating puppy. Little rat bastard.

The blood from Schmut E.'s hand sprayed profusely all over the Library; this coated the Librarian's thin clothing, causing it to stick to her shapely frame. "Crikey! I've never seen a scholar who looks like that," Schmut E. "I'm the Best Looking Scholar in the World" Buncis realized, "you're not a scholar at all!" The Fake Librarian, in an attempt to incapacitate Schmut E., leaped towards him for a slapping blow.

Schmut E. "Master Slapper" Buncis wasn't having any of this; his hand moved faster than light itself, and impacted upon her delicate, feminine face, leaving her with a bloody tattoo (yes, his blood literally went inside her face from the blow) as she flew across the room. Also, her clothes tore off in the process, which in turn revealed her bloated, tentacle legs. Like a Dreugh.

Schmut E., ignoring his damaged hand, walked over to her dead form. Noticing a bulge at the top of her tentacle legs, he reached his good hand into the slimy mass, and pulled out a scroll container. He opened it up, and using his scholarly knowledge, scanned the documents inside. A massive dossier about the group had been assembled, with all files marked "To be assassinated by order of High Chancellor Ocato."

"Crikey! I need to get back to the others and warn them!" Schmut E. said; however, even he wasn't immune to smoke inhalation, and he passed out on the floor as the Library continued to burn.

Who will save Schmut E.? What will happen to the others? Find out, if you figure out the body-shaper from RuroKen's name.

Otherwise, cliffhanger... forever!

You could always google it, you know

Ah, not even close, although I could see why it'd spit out that result. He was sort of a body-shaper, but not the one I'm thinking of. Still, I suppose I could continue the story... I wouldn't want to disappoint my dedicated following. Maybe I'll update again tonight

I feel compelled to write about Ocato's motives now. I might go with the sixual deviant approach for him, but I dunno

He is a bad guy at first, but later hypothetically redeems himself after being stabbed half-to-death. I think he was in the anime, but it might not have gotten as far as the manga. Nope, not Kamatari. Given the two names you found, I'm assuming that the anime didn't get anywhere near as far as the manga, which is where the body-shaper would've been.

Ocato's motives

Ocato sat at the top of White Gold Tower, enjoying the sunset as people are apt to do. "What an enjoyable sunset," he aptly said, "it is days like this that I really enjoy being Chancel-" Before Ocato could finish, a loud gonging noise gonged out of the slummy district of the Imperial City. "Not again!" he complained in that snarky accent of his (for some reason, I remember it as British), and he started to head downstairs towards the Hall Room of Halls.

Entering the room, Ocato took a seat on his Throne, but not before besmirching a nearby statue of Uriel Septim the Dead. "I never liked you, anyways! Always ordering me around!" Ocato complained; just then, a guard ran in, wearing that awesome, but unattainable set of Armor the palace guards have. "Chancellor Ocato! The addicts are breaching the ill-maintained gates again!" You see, a few months ago, someone had nefariously dumped a few trillion gallons of Skooma into the Imperial City's reservoirs; soon after, every non-Guard was consuming drugged water, and the riots broke out a few minutes after that.

Addicts, you see, are very well-organized and deadly opponents.

Ocato closed his eyes and began to rub them with his fingers. "By the Nine, kill as many as you can. Capture the children and bring them back to the Tower for safe-keeping." See, Ocato wasn't all that bad, huh? He was bringing back any un-skoomaed child back to the Palace for safe-keeping, and certainly not for any nefarious ritual.

More to come: Why Ocato wants our heroes and Rex dead!

The Continuation of Ocato's Aspirations of Ruination

The Guard left with a salute, but not before dropping a stack of reports on top of Ocato's unnecessarily large desk. Seriously, who needs a desk that big? Compensating for something, if you know what I mean... funny, how people do that. I'd like to take a moment to talk with you about believing in yourself. Do it; you should always have self-confidence, and not let other people put you down. Because you know what? I think you are beautiful. There, I said it. Betcha feel better now, uh?

Yeah, thought so. Unlike that hypothetical puppy eating my last piece of bacon. I'll show him yet.

"Pshaw! Another report on my enemies!" Ocato complained, as he was a complainer, "Lets see... 'High Chancellor Ocato, we've located the Khajiiti who poisoned our water supply. Fifteen Blades have been dispatched to execute him. He has been traveling with Martin's bastard, so we can only assume that they are vying for power. Two high-ranking nobles from Oblivion were spotted as well; they have warranted a battalion of Battlemages. The Argonian who is trying to bring back spears, the other true threat to your power, has been targeted by Todo Horawd as well. Expect their deaths by next Sun's Dawn.' Mmmm, excellente! I shall have the most power of all soon enough!" Ocato giggled like a weirdo. "I've already taken care of ex-Captain Rex, the Emperor's most trusted guard and my only opponent in the City!" Ocato continued to giggle; his laughter, however, was cut short when he heard a loud crashing sound from the nearby storage closet. "A loud crashing sound from the nearby storage closet!" shrieked Ocato, like a whiny little girl, "I'm gonna have to hide!" Ocato cast a spell, and darkness fell upon the room.

Too bad for him, because darkness was the beast's domain. As Ocato cowered underneath his desk, the handle of the closet began to rattle. "Murder..." it seemed to moan, "Murder..." The metal began to strain from the currently unseen force, but just as it was about to snap, the rattling stopped as suddenly as it had begun. Ocato removed his spell of darkness, and crawled out from under the desk. "By the Nine, what was that?" As his eyes roved nervously about the room, he spotted the closet door, which was slowly sliding open. "Guards! Guard!" shouted Ocato; before he could issue a third cry for help, the beast took its opportunity and lept from the closet, hunger and rage burning brightly in its demonic eyes.

"Noooooouraehioafjeklfgjieofjlekgjl~&" Ocato somehow gurgled as the beast tore into his face, seeking the answers that lay beneath it, enshrouded by his calciumic skull.

What could this beast be? What ever happened to N. I. and ex-Captain Rex? How will our heroes escape the battalion of Battlemages and fifteen Blades?

Friday Update

Man, I don't even remember what happened last time... Ocato got his face ripped off by a mysterious beast? Oh, right. Uhm, lets see... what should I tell you all about now... Uh, alright. I suppose I can talk about Tran the Gan, since he has said less than the Son for about 14 pages.

Uh, okay. So I don't really remember the archetype Tran the Gan was supposed to fulfill; I think he was a gentleman, but he has been ruined by Syl... so yeah, I think I got this. I'll just make him a really cynical bastard. Maybe depressed all of the time. Yeah, that'll work.

Tran the Gan, after spending a few months in what I would like to dub a "sixoma" (six coma), had recovered from a heroic hero to a shabby, broken shell of a man. He was now deeply infatuated with Syl, and at the same time, he hated her guts. Perhaps enough to betray the group and kill her? Maybe. Maybe.

So, Tran the Gan had followed Carro into town, not really looking for anything in particular. He was currently sitting in a tavern, the kind populated solely by thugs and puppies who eat the last piece of bacon. Yeah, that is right; you are as bad as a murderer, you little rat bastard. I'll get you good, one of these days. As soon as you aren't hypothetical.

"Gurr... what you want, Imperial?" grunted the Orcish bartender, because, quite frankly, I don't have any Orcs in this story yet. Tran the Gan, shocked by social contact, immediately burst into tears and started to moan about Syl and how perfect she was in every way. Naturally, this blubbering attracted the wrong crowd. Who just happened to be in the bar. Where Tran the Gan was. Sentence fragment.

"By Azura! By Azura! By Azura, lookit the little baby!" shrieked a nearby Bosmer, "Crying about his mommy!" The Bosmer did a feminine twirl over to Tran the Gan's seat, and kicked it out from under him. Tran the Gan fell to the ground and continued to cry like a pathetic waste of human life. "Bwahahahaha! I taught this loser good!" laughed the Bosmer; his laughter, however, was cut short as a massiveical blade slammed directly through his freakishly small chest.

"Gwah?" the Bosmer uttered, then looked down to see his dying face staring back at him. The blade slid out of his body, and the Bosmer crumpled to the ground in a stupid little heap. Standing behind him was a giant of a man, about fifteen feet tall, or some outrageous number like that.

Wow, I bet you are thinking "Hey, look at this: a new, helpful character that will help our heroes." To which I respond "Hahahahahaha, no, fool. You couldn't be more wrong."

Tall Man McTallersons, as he was known, helped Tran the Gan up and led him out of the tavern. "Tran the Gan, correct? I'm Captain McTallersons, with the Blades of the High Chancellor. I believe that you have knowledge of someone I'm looking for," Captain McGee began, "so how about we have a little chat?" "About who?" Tran the Gan asked.

"Lady Syl and Lord Thadon," vocalabulated Captain McTallersons, "I want them dead." Tran the Gan looked shocked for a moment, then took a deep breath, wiped his nose on his sleeve, and replied "You got it."


Say what? Tran the Gan is going to betray his comrades? Will Schmut E. escape the Library fire unscathed? What about ex-Captain Rex or Broken-Scale?

Broken-Scale gets married

"Dude, like, hurry it up! I wanna get back to love-making with my babe!" Broken-Scale complained, looking mighty fine in a tuxedo. His wife, the Mazken, was also looking mighty fine, but she wasn't wearing a tuxedo. Probably a wedding dress or something. I dunno, I'm not a wedding planner, alright. Broken-Scale's mudcrab was also at the ceremony, and he was also wearing a tuxedo. Wouldn't that be something to see?

The Wedding Officiator, a snobby Dark Elf, snobbily snobbed at Broken-Scale; he was highly racist, especially against Argonians marrying anyone, anytime. "Quiet, n'wah, or I'll have you both arrested for indecent exposure," said the Wedding Officiator as he pointed to the Mazken's revealing dress (see, I did have a plan for it all along). "Dude, that isn't rad at all." The Wedding Officiator gave Broken-Scale a look like "Shut up or I will call the guards, you piece of scaly garbage," and Broken-Scale decided to shut up for a little bit.

The Wedding Officiator began the Ceremony. "Do you, Broken-Scale," he snobbily said, "take... I can't even pronounce that name, so as an Immigration Officiator, I hereby dub you Falanu, a popular Dunmer name, to be your wife?" Broken-Scale fervently nodded in affirmation, and the newly named Falanu squealed in delight, or whatever it is that Dark Seducers squeal in.

You know, I like Dark Seducers much, much more than Golden Saints. The Saints are just so nasty, all of the time... although, if they were from Los Angeles, I'd like them much, much more.

So, the Wedding Officiator continued the Ceremony. "Do you, Falanu," he snobbily said, "take Broken-Scale to be your husband?" She too nodded yes, and then fainted from the excitation of it all. "You may now kiss or slurp or whatever it is that you monsters do to your wives." The Wedding Officiator ran out of the Chapel as quickly as his elven legs could carry him, which was actually not that fast, but still. The thought counts, right?

Broken-Scale lifted up his new Mazken wife and made out with her somehow, passionately. The Mudcrab pulled out a bottle of champagne from his tux's pocket, shook it up, and sprayed it all about the Chapel in delight. "Come on, Muddy Crab and Dudette, lets go tell the others!" Broken-Scale slung the Mud Crab onto his back, and carried his wife into the burning Elsweyrian daylight. As the three exeunted the Chapel, and the hot daylight faded from their eyes, a scene most awful unfolded before them.

A group of at least 90 bandits swarmed the streets, knocking down and killing any civilian that stood in their path. The Wedding Officiator hadn't made it that far out of the Chapel; he was lying on the ground, head rolling around next to him. "Dude, what is going on here?" Broken-Scale muttered; unluckily for him, the head bandit spotted the group standing at the top of the Chapel's steps. "There they are! Kill them, before they escape!"

"You!" Broken-Scale shouted, "You are the one who took my spears! Todo Horawd! I'll kill you!" Broken-Scale set his wife safely inside of the Chapel, closed the doors, and drew his Spear of Chaos. He then leaped down the stairs in a way most bad ass, towards Todo Horawd and victory!

Maybe I'll get back to ex-Captain Rex!

The Death of Someone

When we last left him, ex-Captain Rex had pulled a lever in a mystical stone temple, while N. I. lay dead and eviscerated upon the floor. A shadowy figure had assaulted ex-Captain Rex, forcing him to pull the lever, thusly revealing its true form. Something might've happened, like a gravity field or some [censored] like that. I really can't remember, and I'm not going to go look for it ever... so.... Yeah, maybe this is my first retcon. I dunno.

Lets assume there was a gravity field. Hold on; is it "let's" or "lets?" I know that "'s" sometimes means "is," like "it's," but I can never figure out "lets" and "let's," which really pisses me off. Which is why I rarely use them, if you've ever noticed that. Which you probably haven't, because of all the intense imagery that I'm throwing into your mind at fifteen meters per nanosecond.

So, yeah, gravity field, with all of the stereotypical gravity field effects. Wooshing air, things lifting up the ground, that sort of thing. "By Talos' Hairy Beard!" ex-Captain Rex exclaimed, as he began to fly into the ceiling. N. I.'s large intestine also began to expandulate towards the ceiling, trailing a bloody, fleshy path towards the top. ex-Captain Rex, being a man of Action! Action! Action, not words! grabbed the slimy rope, tied it to his waist, and held on for dear life.

Oh, why was he holding on for dear life? Hum, I guess that the shadowy figure turned into a giant, whirling maw of doom or something, which had many teeth for the purpose of blending a man such as ex-Captain Rex. A Hungry, Hungry Hippo of a Dremora, if you will. Let's/lets call it the Hippo Atronach.

Oh, yeah, and it was stuck of the ceiling, as things are apt to be.

"Neeeeeeeeeer!" grinded the Hippo Atronach, like a blender blending a person's arm, "Neeeeeeer!" ex-Captain Rex knew what that sound meant; it meant certain, unimpending doom for the brilliant/attractive/manly young ex-Captain of the Guard. "Shouar!" shouarted ex-Captain Rex, as he broke his own arm.

Yes, that is right. Broke his own arm, right off. Literally snapped the limb directly off of his body.

The ex-Captain threw his arm into the whirling, spinning face hole of the Hippo Atronach. The beast immediately snapped the tasty morsel up, leaving its multitude of eyes available for penetration as it tore into ex-Captain Rex's meaty arm. "I know your weakness!" yelled ex-Captain Rex, throwing himself at the beast's largest eye.

ex-Captain Rex slammed into the unprotected juicy meat of the eye, and burrowed into it with the ferocity of a hypothetical bacon-eating puppy. The beast screamed in terror as ex-Captain Rex bored into its brain, severing the thing's brain whatevers in a display of violence so graphic, I can't even tell you guys and girls about it. Lets/let's just say that it was very, very awful.

After the Hippo Atronach lay dead, blood and chunks of gore slapping to the floor with meaty, wet slaps, ex-Captain Rex retrieved his arm and sowed/sewed it back onto his body, using his high Restoration skill to get the job done.

Yeah, 75 in Restoration. That is how healingiative he is.

I dunno, I'm thinking that someone is going to die or "die" next time
But whom could it be?
Boom, there we go.

So, while ex-Captain Rex was re-attaching his arm, Carro was being saved by The Master Thief, Broken-Scale was leaping towards certain victory, Schmut E. was burning in a library fire, and The Son was off doing something. Man, I haven't said jack[censored] about him lately. We'll have to get back to him in a bit. Not right now though.

Now, we get to experience the wonderful "death" of some of the characters.

Tran the Gan led the group of fifty Battlemages back towards the boat, in an attempt to kill Lord Thadon, the man who (in Tran the Gan's twisted mind), had taken away his true love. The group clanked about behind him as they neared the water vessel; before they reached the boat, a loud explosion resonated throughout the city.

"What could that be? My enemies?" Syl frantically asked from inside of the boat, where her and Thadon were currently making sweet, sweet Bosmer love. "Don't worry about it, my dear," said Thadon, "I'm sure it was nothing." The two peeked up from under their cover; a sight most distressing greeted them. "Lady Syl and Lord Thadon, I presume," declared Tall Man McTallersons, "good to see you... well, for myself at least." The fifty Battlemages had surrounded the small boat; all of them had some respective spell or whatnot going on. Tran the Gan, meanwhile, was looking on in chains.

Oh, yeah, he was chained and manacled. What, you think I'm not going to have at least one double double cross in the Tale? By the Eight and One, you don't know me very well, do you, dear readers? I'm disappointed. In you all. Tut tut.

"Well, I'd love to stay and chat," declared Tall Man McTallersons, "but you'll be finding yourselves quite dead. Ta." Before Syl or Thadon could react, a massive fireball set the boat on fire, instantly killing the two in a blaze of sudden disappointment. As the Bosmer screamed in horrible agony, Tran the Gan began to cry. "Noooo!" shrieked Tran the Gan, "you bastard! I loved her!" Tall Man McTallersons walked over to the shackled Tran the Gan, and [censored]slapped him right across his face. "Shut up, little man. I'll do whatever I want." Tran the Gan fell to the ground, and began to cry in a way most pathetic. "Fan out! Find and kill the others!" shouted Tall Man McTallersons.

Meanwhile, back at the Imperial City

The beast prowled the streets of the City, feasting upon the flesh of any who dared cross its path. Weaving its way through the corpse-ridden streets, it soon came to a house, the only one with lights on in a five mile radius. The beast knew lights meant people, and people meant food. Crawling up to the house's window, the beast peered inside, eyes burning with an intense hatred.

Inside of the house, a small group of guards remained, planning on what to do about the death and destruction that ravaged the City. "Listen, we need outside help," Guard said, "we can't deal with this [censored] on our own." Guard gave a look towards Better Dressed Guard, who was clearly in charge. "You're right... we have to get a message to Dive Rock."

"Why Dive Rock?" questioned Guard. "We need.... the Master of Blades." answered Better Dressed Guard.

The beast, ears perking up at the mentions of the Master of Blades, scratched its claws along the window, let out an ear piercing shriek, and smashed into the house, devouring the guards in a frenzied rage.

What could happen next? Why did the beast flip out when it heard "the Master of Blades?" Are Syl and Thadon really dead?

Dramatic Persons, Part II

Our Heroes
The Son: Khajiit. Searching for perfect sugary beverage
Carro Tsandwich: Beautiful forest maiden. None can compare.
N. I. Exclamation Point: Poop Troll turned werewolf. Whereabouts unknown.
ex-Captain Rex: ex-Captain of the Guard, Imperial City. Powerhouse fighter.
Lord Thadon and Lady Syl: Duke/Duchess of Dementia and Mania. Syl is sixy, Thadon, insane. Killed in fiery explosion.
Tran the Gan: Once handsome noble, now hideous, pathetic monster. Betrayed his friends.
Schmut E. Buncis: Popular Scholar. Master Slapper.
Broken-Scale: Argonian, loves spears. Married to Falanu, a Mazken.
Falanu: A Mazken. Hot.
Muddy Crab: A mudcrab. Rides around on Broken-Scale's back.
The Master Thief: A master of thieving. Seeks to defend any in need.

Our Villains

Master of Blades: Superior with a blade. Unmatched. Master of Ocato's Blades.
Ocato: High Chancellor. Tricky son of a [censored].
The Rough Hug Bear: Has a powerful stare. Wields the Banded Hammer. Wears top hat.
Todo Horawd and Bathesde Softrowks: Seek to destroy all of the spears in Tamriel.
Hypothetical Bacon-Eating Puppy: Eats bacon. Is a puppy.

I'll update in a bit. Feel free to discuss the story thus far. In fact, I'd prefer it if you do, cause I really don't want to edit this post/I don't double post.

[Robert Garcia]

If it turns out that I'm Lady Syl's not dead, can I tame she tame the bacon-eating puppy and make it be my Syl's pet (vegetarian) puppy. (I say vegetarian, because he'll be trained not to eat people's bacon!)

Otherwise, I want Syl wants to have a giant pet cat she adopts in Elseweyr, who eats the hypothetical bacon-eating puppy, therefore saving the world's bacon from the greed of said hypothetical bacon-eating puppy.







Yeah, after all of my Syl's demands, the Duchess will likely be gone for good... :violin: At least give me Syl an honorary funeral. :flamed:

[Dina Boudreau]

We'll see what happens, Syl- although, I must say that your ideas had me snickering.

Update the First

Where we last left off, our brave heroes were in quite a plight. Schmut E. Buncis was unconscious in a burning Library; Syl and Thadon were apparently dead; Tran the Gan was manacled after betraying his friends; Carro and The Master Thief were being aggravated by the Queen's guards; N. I. was apparently dead; Broken-Scale was jumping into the fray, hoping to kill Todo Horawd; and ex-Captain Rexulius Yautja Xenomorphicalus was all alone in a stone temple.

Oh, and the Son was in whereabouts unknown. Nothing about him, yet; I will tell you that yes, he was the cause of the large explosion last update. Think on that for a while.

Broken-Scale's Plight

Now, back to Broken-Scale. Last time I checked, he was flying down the staircase towards Todo Horawd, leader of the devious Bathesde Softrowks. "I'm gonna go aggro on you!" bellowed Broken-Scale, lookin' mighty fine in his tux. The Argonian lashed out with the Spear of Chaos, bolts of reddish lightning pulsating from the deadly weapon as it thrust forward. "Ahaha!" exclaimed Todo Horawd, "You really think that you can defeat me? The Todo Horawd?!?"

Broken-Scale, amazed by Todo Horawd's confidence and stunning good looks, had a mild heart attack and fell to the ground in shock. "Dude, you're so stellar! I... can't... fight... back...." Todo Horawd laughed maniacally as he stratted over to Broken-Scale's motionless form. "Aahahaha!" The well-dressed bandit leader kicked the Spear of Chaos into his hands, like people do sometimes, and with barely a strain of his muscles, snapped the lance in half. "No more spears! Only staves!" Todo Horawd continued to laugh as Broken-Scale began to nictate his membranes in sadness.

"Oh, by the way," Todo Horawd kicked Broken-Scale in the ribs, "that was the last spear in all of Tamriel. No more spears! AHAHAHAHAH!" Todo Horawd kicked Broken-Scale a few more times, then swaggered away towards the cheering gang of Bathesde Softrowks. The leader motioned to two men, then Broken-Scale's quivering form. "Kill him."

Tran the Gan's Plight

Tran the Gan currently couldn't see; perhaps that was due to the tears freely flowing from his eyes; perhaps it was the fact that he was in a blood rage; or perhaps it was due to the burlap sack that his head was shoved into. I dunno, maybe all three? Figure it out for your damn self, you lazy reader. Seriously, it isn't that difficult. I'm getting quite exasperated with all of your fictional questions.

Anyways, so Tran the Gan had a secret most foul. "What could it be?" you ask me, a look of intrigue upon your face, "Please, tell me, The Master Thief." "Why, of course I will tell you, my dearest readers. Without you, I wouldn't be on thread II right now, would I? I'd be on thread NOTHING. So, firstly, I shall congratulate you on sticking with this Tale, despite the fact that Pepjiit still hasn't shown up, and this is Thread II. Secondly,"

Tran the Gan's secret was of his origin. Normally, an Imperial takes the last name of their male parent; if they live in Bravil, their surname is generally that of their mother's. Because all of the Bravilian women, to put it lightly, get around. If you know what I mean. Too bad Falanu Hlaalu didn't live there. Man, she is a babe. I'd necromance her, any day. Oh, that is why I named Broken-Scale's Mazken Falanu, by the way. Cause she is of equal attractiveness as Falanu Hlaalu. Keep that in mind.

I think I will describe Tran the Gan's terrid secret, with a graphic scene of graphic violence. Wait, hold on. I need to find what Dio (the vampire, not the singer) shrieked like. Oh, did I just ruin the surprise? Too bad. Yeah, so Tran the Gan was a vampire. But a cool one, like Dio, not the fairy [censored] that is poisoning today's youth.

I'd like to take a moment to talk about vampires. They used to be cool, like Dracula, Alucard (hint: that is Dracula backwards), that French Breton dude from Obliv, Dio Brando, or Blade. Back in the day, vampires (or "vamps") had class. They'd wear cravats or ascots or something, maybe an old-timey suit, sometimes a monocle or a top hat. They had cool powers, or just didn't give a [censored]. Hell, Dio could drop a steamroller on a guy without breaking a sweat.

Nowadays, though... vamps have taken a turn for the worse. Mary Sues have turned vampires into lame-o pretty boys, too busy admiring their Cyclopean (The Scott Summers kind, not the One-Eyed Greek kind) features to give a damn about killin' time. What happened to the killin' time? Why doesn't anyone respect the killin' time? It is a damn shame.

Oh, and what the hell? Vampires can't look in the mirror, damn it all! They don't have souls! How are you admiring your features if you can't see yourself in the mirror?

As such, I'm greatly disappointed with today's vampires. We, as a world society, need to get back to the good old fashioned, "I'm wearing a suit as I kill this dude with a steamroller, then have carnal relations with his wife" type vampire. Then, with our newfound confidence, we can focus on other problems. Like the economy or global warming or something. Quite frankly, I don't care. I just want vampires to be cool again. Like Dracs or Dio or Blade. They knew where it was at.

Oh, and I'd also like to say how much I dislike Cyclops. Stop looking in the mirror and be cool, like Wolverine or Deadpool, you pansy!

So, Tran the Gan was a cool sort of vampire; the kind that respected killin' time, and the kind that wore a suit and whatnot. Oh, yeah, and before you say "Hey, The Master Thief, why didn't Tran the Gan ever use his vampire powers before if he was always a vampire?" I will tell you that his vampire powers were awakened by knockin' boots with Syl. See, there was a reason as to why he went into a sixoma for such a long period of time.

Man, I think of everything, huh? Pretty damn awesome. Go, The Master Thief. I'm patting you on the back, bro!

"WRYYYYYYY-" Tran the Gan bellowed; now, the noise continued on indefinitely, but I can't very well express that here without breaking the servers. So, would you kindly imagine that noise as going on for the rest of this entry? It is pronounced like "whee!" but with an "r" rather than an "h." Tran the Gan's muscles bulged outwards, snapping the steel chains that binded him to the ground. The group of Battlemages that had stayed to watch him, numbering in the one, "Hot Chick" variant, looked on with terror as Tran the Gan literally ripped through the burlap sack with nothing but a shriek.

"By Azu-" she began to say; before she could, however, Tran the Gan had already closed the twenty meter gap between them, leaving an after-image in his wake. His mighty fist flew out, connecting with the Battlemage's delicate face, and shattering it into a trillion tiny pieces. Before the Battlemage hit the ground, Tran the Gan was drinking deeply from her neck, her precious, tasty blood fueling his rage even more.

"-YYYYYYYYYY-" Tran the Gan continued to bellow; as the blood dripped down his fangs, Tran the Gan took a deep, deep breath. So many sources of fuel flickered about the city; Tran the Gan could sense them all. The Imperial Vampire sped off into the city; there existed only five people who could track his movements, three of whom weren't even in the city itself. Soon enough, Tran the Gan had arrived at the Chapel, where the greatest gathering of fuel had coagulated; he ground to a halt, leaving a small trail of fire behind him.

"him." The bandit leader was saying; Tran the Gan took this opportunity to leap at the nearest meatbag, one of the two that had separated themselves from the group. "Sheeargh!" screamed the man in terror as Tran the Gan ripped into his neck flesh; the man was soon silent, as Tran the Gan had drained him of all the blood in his body.

"By the Nine, a monster!" shrieked someone in the back of the group, "Scatter!" The bandit group immediately dispersed, leaving only Broken-Scale, the Muddy Crab, Falanu, and Tran the Gan at the steps of the Chapel. "-YYYYYYY-" Tran the Gan continued to bellow, his mighty voice inspiring fear and pants wetting throughout the city.

Will Broken-Scale, the Muddy Crab, and Falanu survive Tran the Gan's wrath? What about The Master Thief and Carro? Or Schmut E. and the Library fire?

[Britney Lopez]

:lmao: I love this story. So much that I've been copying and pasting it into a MS Word file so I can have it to read through again in the future.

[Kerri Lee]

Dude, this so cool! Another awesome chapter!

[Cayal]

Yeah, after all of my Syl's demands, the Duchess will likely be gone for good... :violin: At least give me Syl an honorary funeral. :flamed:

*Plays http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4NtSqZcT_4/ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-4NFvI5U9w/http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Kkxbw3s2pM/http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsaamq0E964&feature=BFa&list=FLxw17G0MI_E8&index=6/ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MniRndBkCU&feature=BFa&list=FLxw17G0MI_E8&index=15/ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uu_zwdmz0hE&feature=BFa&list=FLxw17G0MI_E8&index=16/http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH2-TGUlwu4&feature=BFa&list=FLxw17G0MI_E8&index=1/http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ96oEwYrE8&feature=fvst (take your pick of the song)* Here today we gather as a loved community of dearest Lady Syl - Yes, that's right, we were loved by her so much we have to go to her funeral. It's a drag, ain't it? I mean, I could've gone bungee jumping today, but no, she just had to die today *woman cries. Pastor walks up to her and pats on back* There, there fat woman, no need the shed such tears. You look pathetic. Did you have to wear the mascara eyeliner makup eye crap? You should be ashamed of yourself - you are self-centred, caring for your dastardly makeup and not this womans life. I'm a bastard and hypocrite now? You cad! Deliever your confessions to Reverand Joe Blob. Now. Scoot! Yeah, that's right, run off teary-eyed! TEARS FOR THE DEAD! Anyways, where were we? Oh, yeah, that's right. Syl was a depressed woman with problems. She was a loner and had a horrid father; the beast that I suspect cared not for his wife's death. SHAME ON YOU ALL! YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE FOR HER! Blasted people! But cry not, by dears, for she is chilling with Jesus. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYEDA3JcQqw&feature=feedlik I bet she hates this song. Or she likes it, I don't care. End of funeral, guys.

[SaVino GοΜ]

Aww, Schmuty, thanks for the funeral. ^_^ But that fat woman was making a fool of herself! Thank you for having Reverend Whats-His-Name (I forgot) chase her away.... She needs to get ahold of herself, I'll tell you that right now. You should have given her one of your signature "hand-shakes" :slap:

Oh, and here's one of my favorite songs, that I think Syl would appreciate: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4_VgBT5Uvc&feature=fvsr

Also--Amazing Grace is my favorite hymn--it reminds me of my great grandma, who loved that song when she was alive...

[barbara belmonte]

Wednesday update/I'm hyped for Honest Hearts, which I've got queued up and am going to download on Friday when I go to my friend's house to steal his connection

So Tran the Gan was a bad ass vampire. Oh, yeah, he is still bellowing throughout this post as well, so imagine that, if you will. Or don't, if you won't. I don't give a damn.

"Fear not, fair maiden!" said The Master Thief, "I shalln't let these blaggarts lay a single finger uponst you!" What was he holding last time? A sword? I can't remember... uh, yeah, I mean he was holding a sword. The blade had a reddish aura to it, almost as if it had been forged in eternal hellfire. "Lookie 'ere, a 'ero! Les teech 'im a lesson, boys!" shouted the Head Guard, who also had a speech impediment, "'ttack!" Three of the guards, following the Ninja Pattern of attack, attacked The Master Thief.

The first Guard danced up towards The Master Thief and flailed out with his rusty iron shortsword, as The Master Thief did absolutely nothing. Before the blade could connect, however, it had disappeared from the Guard's hand. "Wot? Where's my pokey poke?" uttered the Guard, just as The Master Thief's fist stole his consciousness. The next Guard, seeing his friend fall, immediately stepped up to the plate for his turn. He fell in the exact same way as the previous guard.

Two barracks full of guards later, only The Master Thief, Carro Tsandwich, and the Queen remained standing. "Are you fine, milady?" demanded The Master Thief, clanking quite a bit with all of the rusty iron shortswords. "Hahahaha, of course! It is so good to see you again, Mysterious Stranger," Carro lilted; her voice pealed throughout the city, and a few small animals exploded in happiness. Also, a child went blind.

The Queen, having heard Carro's laugh, fell to her knees, tears pouring from her eyes. "By the Nine, that was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard," she said, "I.... I think I'm in love." The Queen slowly stood up, and looked down into the courtyard, searching for her new love; however, both The Master Thief and Carro had already disappeared.

Suddenly, a piercing cry blasted the Queen's ears, knocking her unconscious as she soiled herself.

Meanwhile, back at the Chapel

"-YYYYYYYYYYYY-" Tran the Gan continued to bellow. "Take this, beast!" yelled Captain Tallersons, having snuck up behind the Imperial Vampire, blade at the ready. The weapon lashed out, cleaving the very air in two as it passed; when it reached Tran the Gan, it passed through the Imperial Vampire harmlessly. The Captain yelled in surprise as his blade arm found itself fifteen miles away from his body. "What are you?" cried the Captain, now missing another arm. "-YYYYYYYYY-" bellowed Tran the Gan; this was the last thing the Captain heard, before falling into the deepest sleep of all: death.

I'll update later, about Schmut E. and the Library Fire.

[Alexandra Ryan]

:bunny: I think this story has the most animals exploding in happiness that I've ever seen before... :spotted owl:

[W E I R D]

Hopefully now that Tran the Gan has been re-badassificated he will be done with all of that sobbing nonsense. :twirl:

Looking foward to the next chapter as always. I hope none other of our characters die lol.

[Emma]

Hopefully now that Tran the Gan has been re-badassificated he will be done with all of that sobbing nonsense. :twirl:

Looking foward to the next chapter as always. I hope none other of our characters die lol.

Real men cry. But men like Tran the Gan was before being re-badassificated are pansies!

[Jessica Thomson]

Speed Update

Man, it has been like, a week or something since I've updated. Been busy doing things, but really, I've been thinking about this update for all of that time, and feel confident that this will be the most well-loved of all, especially by Schmuty.

"Crikey! My head!" Schmut E. moaned as regained consciousness. "Oi! My lungs are burning!" Indeed, Schmut E. had inhaled far too much smoke; so much, in fact, that he died on the spot.

Hahahaha can you imagine if I did that? Nah, no way: Schmut E. is one of my favorite characters to write about. Seriously, though, smoke inhalation is nothing to joke about. It is a horrible, horrible way to die. Lets/let's take a moment to think about how terrible house fires are.

Alright, good? Alright. Schmut E. blearily gazed about; the Fake Librarian had toasted to a light, crispy sheen. "Crikey, I could use some tucker." Schmut E. slapped one of her octopi tentacles off, then shoved it in his pack. "Schzeen!" is the noise that Schmut E. made as he whipped around in a circle, giving the fire an intense glare. Schmut E. raised his non-wounded hand, shouted "Special Septim Slap! Final Technique!," some Japanese words, then flung it through the air with a controlled abandon, like how a hypothetical bacon-eating puppy flies through the air towards my last sack of bacon. Damn it all, it was the last sack! I wanted that bacon! For eating!

Schmut E.'s slap generated this bad ass air vortex, which instantly put out the Great Library Fire of the Fourth Era of Tamriel in an instant. However, the force that he put into the blow shattered his hand into a bajillion little pieces, which may or may not be a real number.

"Crikey, that was one chazz-wozzer alr-" Schmut E. began to say; however, he was interrupted by the sword that blew straight through his scholarly chest. Before the popular scholar could ponder the philosophy of being killed, another blade lopped his head directly off of his shoulders, instantly killing the heavily wounded Schmut E. His life blood sprayed out of his neck, covering the two Men in Black in a fine red mist.

Hahahaaha, imagine the look on your face right now! Bet you though I wasn't gonna kill Schmut E. Well, too damn bad, he is dead now.... or is he?

[dav]

Ah, I mean, a minute's silence for the dearly departed (no, seriously, wait a minute, okay? Good.) ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. Yeah, I think that's about a minute. And hey, my hand does hurt, from clapping endlessly at Youth Group for no apparent reason.

[Nikki Lawrence]

While I'm here...

Tran the Gan dropped the body of WhatsHisFaceIDon'tRememberOrCare to the ground. "-YYYYYYYYYY-" he shrieked. Suddenly, his vampire senses tingled, as they were picking up an incredibly large amount of blood. The Imperial Vampire shot off like a humanoid rocket, or something really fast. Once again, he screeched to a halt; this time, he wasn't outside a place of worship, but a place of books. He flickered up the steps, then smashed into the section labeled "Home Repair." Get it, irony? Yeah, you can stop humoring me. Wasn't that funny, you sycophant, you.

The Men in Black, now in a state of alarm because of Tran the Gan's loud wall-wrecking, immediately disappeared in a puff of air. "-YYYYYYYYYY-" Tran the Gan bellowed, having lost his prey; however, another heat source still remained, close by. Tran the Gan flickered over to the dying body; he fell upon the corpse of Schmut E. with an instinctual desire to save his friend. "-NecromancYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-" Tran the Gan shouted, as he activated his spell, Rise of the Fallen. The energy of the Imperial Vampire's spell originated at his eyeballs, and shot out to connect with Schmut E.'s eyes, causing a ripple in the Soul Time Metyphasical Space Quantam Flux Wave Disturbance Frequency Pattern; as time regressed backwards, Schmut E.'s soul was shoved back into his body. His head flew across the room to reconnect with the aforementioned body, and look! Everything was okay again!

Not really, though, as the ripple in the Soul Time Metyphasical Quantam Flux Wave Disturbance Frequency Pattern had done two grievous damages to our heroes.

One, Schmut E.'s body was instantly destroyed; the power of his soul, however, re-assembled it... and Schmut E. was now a DEATH SCHOLAR!

Two, a powerful enemy was alerted to the location of our heroes; with a happy little bark, he exeunted his house in post haste. A murderous, bacon-eating look plastered itself across his tiny, furry face, as he ran towards the city of Bladenfell or whatever at the speed of sound.

Who could this powerful enemy be? What will Schmut E. do now that he is a Death Scholar? Find out Next Time!

[Sista Sila]

Death Scholar? :ahhh: Master Thief, you should give someone the power to impregnate people with their gaze, giving them evil babies with intentions to dominate the world and enslave all. How long has Tran been saying his line for? O_O Cripes. If you have Julia Gillard (Prime Minister of Australia) in this, I will high five you.

[Anna Krzyzanowska]

Dude those were the best 2 updates yet. :celebration:

[Manuela Ribeiro Pereira]

Ah, those were great! A death scholar... a bacon-eating puppy... a vampire... and the Men in Black--this story has everything! *slaps The Master Thief a high-five* You are awesome! :icecream:

[Kaley X]

Past Midnight Update

Who shall next feel the wrath of The Master Thief... hmmm, I was going to talk about the Son just now, but I've decided on a better plot than that, full of intrigue and deception and anticipation and whatnot. So, I'll talk about someone else instead. In this case, I'll talk about ex-Captain Rex, who I haven't talked about in like, twenty updates or something. How about this: whichever one of you finds out how many updates it has been, exactly, I'll give you a special surprise! Wouldn't that be nice? A special surprise? I sure think it would be.

Anyways, ex-Captain Rex had been mourning the loss of his good friend, N. I. Exclamation Point, who appeared to be disemboweled in the middle of the temple. "Mmm, quite a tragedy, really," said a mysterioushly accented voice, "I do say, you look like you could use a scrub, Master Rex." ex-Captain Rex's eyes lit up in happiness. "Why, if it isn't my good manservant! What are you doing here?" The manservant, emerging from the shadows (as they are apt to do), explained to ex-Captain Rex that she had been hot on ex-Captain Rex's trail ever since Ocato tried to murder him. Naturally, she had no goal in life other than to please her Master Rex.

"Well, Master Rex," the manservant began, "I do believe that it is your bath time."

[Scene omitted]

"A fine bath, as always," ex-Captain Rex said as he stroked his manservant's luscious hair, while he smoked a cigar, "now, I think it is time for your bath."

[Scene omitted]

Well, that was quite disgusting, dear readers. I didn't even know chicks had that kind of body part. By the Nine, how can someone bend like that? Is that an anaconda.... oh, man that is awful. Excuse me while I vomit my lungs out.

Back to the Imperial City

"Captain Macharius, Captain Macharius!" shrieked Corporal Shrieker, a man known equally for his shriekiness and his sweatiness, "They are breaking down the door!" Corporal Shrieker was barreling down the halls of White-Gold Tower, towards Captain Macharius of the Guard's office. He quickly arrived, a slickened path of body juices freely flowing behind him. "Captaiiiiin!" he shrieked as he attempted to pound on the door; his hand simply slid off, leaving a wet, odorous line on the wooden orifice. Finally, the Corporal managed to jimmy open the door, by coating the portal in so much sweat that it simply slid off of its hinges.

"Captaiiiiin!" shrieked Corporal Shrieker as he slipped into the office. "What is it, Corporal?" asked the Captain, his back turned on Shrieker as he gazed down into the city. "The addicts, Sir," Shrieker began to explain, "they are breaking down the Front Door; someone told them that we have paints in the basemant, and they want to paint the city rainbow colors."

"Rainbow colors?" Captain Macharius asked. "Yes, Sir, rainbow colo-" Shrieker was interrupted as Captain Macharius' fist slammed down onto his desk, shattering the object, carved from the body of a Spriggan, in two. "Let me make this perfectly clear, Corporal," Captain Macharius explained, "no Ninedamned Skooma Addict is going to paint MY city RAINBOW COLORS!" Captain Macharius took a deep breath, then reached over to a weapons rack and removed his Greatsword, the mighty Swordisher, Sword of Legends. "Now, Corporal," Captain Macharius said, "dry yourself off and get downstairs. We've got some Skooma-heads to kill."

Aaaaand to wrap things up.

"Yip! Yip! Yip!" barked http://www.bungie.net/Forums/posts.aspx?postID=59331529 anyone had ever seen, ever. A group of young men and women surrounded him, feeding him their finest hams, because a puppy that cute deserved nothing less than a full ham. "Aww, he is so cute!" said one of the young women as the puppy rolled around on the ground with a full ham. He then stood up and began reciting "The Dragon Break Prevention Book: Remember to Set Your Hourglass and Other Helpful Tips" in a little barky voice.

As the assembled group of people were watching the Puppy nibble another ham, Carro Tsandwich and The Master Thief were sitting alone together at a local Fine Dining Tavern. "Milady, you seem to have a knack for getting yourself in trouble," said The Master Thief, "however, this isn't a surprise, especially when one considers how beautiful you are." Carro smiled daintily at The Master Thief, then lilted out a precious laugh; this laugh shattered a few bottles behind the bar, and a few miles off, a unicorn exploded. "Well, it seems that whenever trouble is afoot, you are there to save me," at this, Carro paused, "what is your name, good sir?" The Master Thief gave Carro an exasperated look. "I've already introduced myself twenty times. It doesn't matter; this mask of mine will always conceal my identity, even from a maiden as fair as you."

Just then, a small girl ran into the bar, and exclaimed "Cor! The cutest thing in the world!" "Oh, of course I am, dear child," Carro explained slowly; she was under the assumption that the girl was torched in the head. "No, not you, you ugly old hag, I meant the little puppy outside. He just ate fifteen slices of bacon." The Master Thief, who had been drinking a tall glass of Triple Brandy Delight (Ancient Dagoth Ur Brandy, Cyrodiliic Brandy, and Vintage Brandy), did that thing where you spit out your drink in shock. Naturally, this drenched Carro, plastering her fine white dress to her equally fine body; however, she didn't seem to care, as she was currently trying to evaporate the already-departed child with her mind.

"Halt, dear maiden," The Master Thief said as he moved Carro's face to look at him, "fear not; I know this 'puppy' she speaks of, and his wicked, wicked ways. I shall return momentarily; I must take care of something first." The Master Thief gave Carro a large hug for strength, downed the rest of his Triple Brandy Delight, drew his deadly blade, then exeunted the building with a grimace on his dashingly fine face.

What could The Master Thief be up to? Who or what is this Puppy? Will Carro ever find true love, or is she doomed to a shallow, meaningless life of physical perfection? Remember to find the last update with ex-Captain Rex in it for a special prize!

[Jesus Sanchez]

Puppy is a bacon eating cosmic horror ain't he?? I get the feeling The Master Thief may not be coming back from that fight if it happens. :angel:

The last update mentioning captain rex was 5 updates ago. It was actually the last update of the first thread.

[matt]

Well, now we know what really happened to the last unicorn... :violin:

Damn! I was too late to finding the last Rex update! Trannigan, I will return from the grave and haunt you because of this!

[Mr.Broom30]

Well, now we know what really happened to the last unicorn... :violin:

Damn! I was too late to finding the last Rex update! Trannigan, I will return from the grave and haunt you because of this!

Then I'll just stop believing in ghosts.... HA! :teehee:

[Chloé]

Update as soon as Trannigan delivers me his choice of prizes.

[GLOW...]

Then I'll just stop believing in ghosts.... HA! :teehee:

That won't work. Many a non-believer has been haunted by a menacing ghost... Even if you can't see me, I'll be there...lurking...causing disturbing dreams...making your electronic devices malfunction...and worst of all--MAKING YOUR FLOORBOARDS CREAK IN THE NIGHT!!! hmy: Ahhh! Muahahahahaha!!!! You'll never be rid of me! :chaos:

[Cool Man Sam]

Sorry it took a while, didn't get a chance to get on today until now. Sent you my reply MT.

[Sheila Reyes]

Don't worry about it, Trannigan. The answer was well worth the wait.

Broken-Scale's Big Day!

So, as Schmut E. acquired the powers of a Death Scholar,
Ugly drunkards and a Queen leered at Carro,
Captain Rex made love with his manservant,
Killing machine Tran the Gan continued to shriek "-YYYYYYYYYY-,"

It was time for The Master Thief to enter the most deadly fight of his life,
The Son discovered something interesting,

And Broken-Scale awokened from a deep, deep sleep. to find himself surrounded by two corpses. So, not really surrounded, but sort of next to, I guess. You know what? Today is a really good day. I'm happy for once. No homework, just typin' up this update, chillaxin' or whatever my generation calls it these days, listenin' to some Judas Priest, yeah, pretty cool day. Anyways, Broken-Scale was all like "Yo, dudes, are you like, dead?" Naturally, they were dead, so he received no response. "This is like, totally rad! Oh, right, I should check on my wife!" Broken-Scale climbed to the top of the Chapel's stairs, where his wife was sleeping.

"Yo, babe! Its me, Broken-Scale!" Falanu woke up with a start, then puked up a large amount of blood. "Uguh... I've got to go, my scaly Sheogorath-" I'd like to interrupt this heartfelt moment to talk about that compliment. You see, there aren't many attractive men in The Elder Scrolls, at least to my knowledge, as I don't find men particularly attractive in any way. Maybe there are, I dunno. Syl or Carrot could probably tell me. So, I figure that Mazken would find Sheogorath "hot" as it were, so I used that as the compliment.

"- my Lady is calling for me." Falanu disappeared in a puff of sparkles or something girly like that. Ponies? Rainbows? I dunno. Naturally, Broken-Scale was all like "Hey, babe, that blasts my pipe" or something like that. He then remembered his mild heart attack from before, and fell down the Chapel steps, bounced a few times, and landed on his erect spear. "Guhug!" expewed Broken-Scale, for his broken spear (hahaha) had impaled him in the chest, stabbing directly through his fleshy shell to hit Muddy Crab as well.

"WABBAJACK!" exclaimed the Spear of Chaos. The Spear's hidden power, unleashed by Broken-Scale's blood, ripped a small hole in Mundus, and with a wet, slapping noise, threw the dying Argonian and Mud Crab into the vortex.

Fourty-two seconds later, the hole made another wet, slapping noise, and Broken-Scale emerged from the hold, dazed and confused. "Dude, like, what in Oblivion was that? WHY DO I HAVE CRAB HANDS?" Broken-Scale stared in horror at his new limbs, for instead of being scaly Argonian limbs, they were scaly CRAB HANDS. Also, he had a shell. "Sniky Sniky!" said the Crab Hands, "Sniky Sniky!" Fifteen seconds later, his Spear of Chaos reappeared in a flash of light, and along with Muddy Crab, Broken-Scale was returned to normal. "Dude, my Spear is like, really a Wabbajack Spear. That's like, totally awesome!"

Just then, a small child ran past Broken-Scale, shrieking in happiness. "Little chick, like, whats going on?" Broken-Scale asked. "There is this cute little puppy eating hams! I want to go see him!" Broken-Scale, intrigued by this, decided to follow the little girl towards the Puppy.

Our heroes are converging on The Puppy that remains unstopped, eating Hams voraciously! Who will stop him? Also, did you pick up on the hidden message? Prizes in stock for whomever claims them!