Since my old thread is ultimatley old I just thought I would post a new one.

Chapter 1.

Gob was dead and I was trapped in a house everything was going so smooth yeah [censored] right.

I continued to say [censored] over and over for atleast a few minutes the room that I was in, it housed only one door but I had no idea what was waiting for me behind it, who knows it could be Jericho with his Chiniese Sword and if it was that would mean my death. I decided to strip Gob of his Combat Armor and put it on myself and I also grabbed his bat if there was anybody behind that door I would not be going out without a fight.

After grabbing the equipment, I slowly crept up to the door and placed my hand on the handle. Slowly turning it to the right and pushing forwards, the door opened slowly. There was just the right amount open to see the outside room. Nobody was there, thankfully. Maybe I wouldn't die just yet.

Immediatly I left the room and ran down the hall full speed, soon I came to the top of a flight of stairs and vaulted over the railing and fell to the ground it was not that high so it did not hurt me much the door was right infront of me and I sprinted towards it and jumped towards it, the old rotten wood broke like a twig finnaly I was out but there was a problem there was no way I go back to Megaton because Gob told Lucas that I killed Moriarty so that meant that I needed to go somewere else and the only other place that I knew of was Rivet City and that was in D.C. I knew that I would have to go there but the risk might not be worth it.


I know this was short and I am sorry for that but.....
Oh and BTW I am now a Disciple!!!!

Too many "I's"

I edited it thanks Zalphon

I'm really not one for picking at punctuation, still getting the hang of it myself. but, this sentence really needs to have some. You are saying way too much here and need to break this up with commas and periods. What I would put,

After grabbing the equipment, I slowly crept up to the door and placed my hand on the handle. Slowly turning it to the right and pushing forwards, the door opened slowly. There was just the right amount open to see the outside room. Nobody was there, thankfully. Maybe I wouldn't die just yet.

I doon't know if this is perfect puncuation that I have used, but it looks right to me. When you write something, read it out loud to yourself, like you are telling the story to yourself. the places you pause, are generally where you put the commas in.

If anybody wants to fix the punctuation errors I have made, that would be nice.

Thanks Nazgul

Chapter 2 - Dukov

((Sorry for the long wait, yes I am actually sticking with this ))


I ran and ran and was already on the other side of the river opposite side to Super Duper Mart. Quickly I ran down faster then before, I ran past a small group of Scavengers all probably hunting Mire Lurks. I was tired and I came to a house with a sign in the front that said "Holster your weapons or get shot!". Thank god I had no weapons. I aproached his door and knocked and was greeted by two women wearing only underwear.

"Hey hun what brings you to these parts?" The Woman asked me.
"Umm I am here to umm why are you only wearing underwear?" I asked.
"Dukov. He does not belive that woman should wear more then a pair of underwear and he keeps us safe here so we go along with it, we do not like it but we go along with it" The Woman said.
"Well thats........different" I replied.
"Yeah well deal with it" She said in an angry tone.
"Wow. Calm down [censored]!" I said back to her in the same tone.

The girl slapped me in the face and because of the mood I was in right now I swung my right fist and punched her in the face she fell on the ground with a bleeding nose and the other girl ran screaming out of the house, she swung the door open and I could see her outside and a Mire Lurk was right outside it almost seemed as it was waiting for her, the Mire Lurk opened its claw and clammped down on the girls neck, her head was decapitated and the Mire Lurk ran for the door.

I quickly shut the door and moved the small desk infront of it and then I went for the other exit and got out but before my exit I heard a man yell "I am coming for you". I ran behind a peice of giant rubble and awaited this man I was in for a fight.

Im going to say, don't give up. I will also say that your third paragraph is on big run on sentence. You need to break up ideas, with periods instead of using "and" The times you did use commas, they should have been periods. I also think that maybe you should try to go back to writing in third person.

Mods can close this down I am delaying it because I have a new Fan Fiction in the makes... I have been actually working on it for a long....long...time if you do belive me but yeah... it is called the Never Files and it will be in third person veiw which is how I write best so yah get ready.