So I realy like fallout and I decided I might as well kill some time of mine and wright a Fan fiction to the best of my abiltys.

Note: I svck at puncuation
Note: I svck at spelling
Note: I aim for mediocrity.
Note: I never was good in English class.
Note: I wont say who is talking after every time someone talks so use your imagination.
Note: Critique is welcome because I want to learn from this attempt at a FF and become a better writer.

Ok now that thats out of the way time for my story. (3rd person or " God's view as I call it)


The year is 2277 march 28th 7:AM

The sun was just coming up over the horizon, and the group of travelers was hunkering down in a power station for the night.

"Get the hell up!" yelled Ben Miles to the group of wastelanders, including Sarah Crooklain, Jerry Forlorn, Bill Rockfert and Anthony Drives.

"What time is it?" said Sarah in a yawn.

"Its time to get moving, if we stay in one position to early we are asking for trouble" said Ben

" You better listen Sarah, we dont want to see Ben have another freakout" said Anthony Drives jockingly.

"Yeah and we dont want to see Anothny's arm get broking neither!" said Ben in his usual commanding voice.

" Bill, how are our supplies?" asked Ben.

"We have 8 bottles of purified water thanks to that trader we met on the way here, 5 pieces of mole rat meat, some iguana bits, a bit of the salvage that we dident lose on the way here and as always the skin on our backs" responded Bill Rockfert.

" and the guns?" said Ben

"Ready to blow [censored] up" snickered Anthony

"Right....Well we have our 4 hunting rifles, that sledgehammer I found in here and about 30 rounds each." Said Ben checking in his bag for anything he might have missed.

" Wheres my knife?" said Jerry Forlorn in his deep, stern voice.

" Right here!" Said Sarah pulling it out of her pouch. "I picked it out of a mutants neck when we had to run away from the mutie reinforcements, here catch"

" Thanks" said Jerry.

"All right guys lets move out" said Ben

"Where to?" Asked anthony

"There is supposed to be some small settlement up north of here named the Republic of Dave" said Ben

"Republic of Dave?" laughed Anthony.

"Thats right [censored], now get your gear, were moving out in 5 minutes."

So thats part 1 of my half first FF ever.

Do whatever you have to do just please tell me how I can improve anything story structure wise. For the combat parts later I will make them paragraphs but for speach I will break them up unless told otherwise. Also for the censored parts, use your imagination...again


Part 2:


The group was walking together on a ruined road heading north. There positions where

--------0- Ben------ 0-anthony

------------0- Sarah---BRAHMIN---0- Bill

----------------- 0- Jerry
. Ben led the group forward with anthony at his side, weither he admited it or not Ben had grown attached to Anthony, almost seeing him as his little brother. Anthony was young, about 22 years old(the youngest of the group) and was always in a mood for a good joke even in combat situations, and he had a damn good eagle eye. Bill held most of the supplies next to the brahmin in the center, he was a serious man who took his duty as "quartermaster" with severe importance. Sarah had a lookout role on the left, she was 24, she was no pushover in a fight but she was the weakest of the 5. Jerry had the rear watching the back, he always serious and would disapear in the midst of combat to sneak behind enemy lines but he was not without his light side, occasionly joing in on the jokes of Anthony.

The group move on ready for a ambush.

"Psst, hey Ben"whispered Anthony

" What now?" replied Ben

"Whats with that Jerry guy? He seems to be a shady character, why do you guys trust him?" " whispered Anthony in a curious manner

" Ask yourself this Anthony, he is a shady character and your a complete dumb ass,I often wonder why I bother with either of you." Smiled Ben

" Oh and Ben..." stamered Anthony

"Yeah kid?" said Ben nonchalently

"I just want to say thanks for ..."

"INCOMING!!" Yelled Jerry.

The group jumped out of the road to find cover near the rocks as theyre Brahmin played dead, as they had taught it. The bullets raced over there heads and focused on the postions of Sarah and Bill who had taken cover opposite side of a overlooking ridge about 15 feet tall to the left.

"Haha Looks like we got another caraven boys!" Cackeled a raider as the fire fight continued.


Sarah and Bill returned fire to the raders above. Bullets whisped all around them hitting rocks and dust. One bullet hit Sarah in the shoulder but her tight leather armor stopped the bullet. Two raiders ran down the sides of the overlook armed with nail boards. By this time the raiders had taught the Brahmihn how to play dead...forever.

" Time to make the babies DI....."

Jerry's knife went through the throat of one only to be pulled out in a second to charge at the other raider. The two engadged in a complete brawl just below the overlook preventing any fire support from the raiders above.

" I count 7! yelled Anthony to the group"

Ben and Anthony ran as fast as they could to the left side of the hill trying to flank them but where intercepted and forced to take cover behind a large boulder.

"TIME TO DIE YOU MOTHER FUC.." yelled a raider just before Bill's hunting rifle round went through his skull.

"You bastards ill [censored] kill you!" Yelled a raider. He then jumped of the overlook onto Sarah and began pounding her with his fists and his 10m pistol. Bill ran towards to help but was hit in the leg by a bullet from the 2 raiders still on top. Bill crawled away from Sarah trying to protect himself from the fire above. He found refuge in a patch of grass he thought would conceal him, the lucky bastard was right.

"You [censored], I rip your heart out!" Yelled the raider mauling Sarah. Sarah scrambeled to find a rock with her left hand. She grabed one and hit the raider in the head knocking him off her. She then lept onto him only to recieve several rounds in her chest and left arm. She fell to the ground, dead. Sarah! Yelled Anthony! He charged out abandaning cover shooting down the raider who had killed her.

"Anthony! Ben through a grenade towards the 3 raider still on the lookout point and ran towards him trying to pull him back to cover. It was to late. Anthony was shot in the head and died before crumbling to the ground.

The constant fire then stopped at the 3 remaining raider surrounded Ben. There leader, a tall dark skinned caucasion with a bright red mohawk walked towards him and said, I am going to enjoy torturing you sorry ass.
"and im going to enjoy GOING DOWN FIGHTING! Jerry now!" announced Ben...nothing happened. The raider laughed mocklingly. Looks like the rads got to your head meat, time to come to the torture room!" Two raiders then tackled Ben forcing him down to the ground prying the rifle from his hands. " How much ammo you have on ya scab? asked the raider leader demaningly. " I spent it all killing your buddies" said Ben just before spitting in the face of the raider leader " You are so dead" added the leader. He pulled out a long, sharp rod. " time for me to practice my surgery skills!" said the raider with a evil smirk on his face.

" Time for me to practice my aiming skills" whispered Jerry to himself. svck it raiders!" Yelled Jerry as he opened fire with a assault rifle he took from the body of a raider.

He killed all three and hit Ben in the foot. " Everyone is dead, I failed" Ben fell to the ground. Sarah, Bill, Anthony...ALL DEAD! All because I [censored] up! Lamented Ben

"There was nothing that could of saved us Ben, there were too many." Said Jerry trying to comfort Ben.

" and where the hell where you!? Yelled ben with tears in his eyes."

"You ran off in the middle of the fight in left us to die you selfish [censored]!"

" When you through your grenade, you forgot to pull the pin, I was the one who caused the explosion with my own." said Jerry in his softest voice trying to confort Ben..again.


...There dead and were [censored].... The brahmins dead and we are almost out of ammo. We cant hope to survive out here in such a small group! Yelled Ben holding his injured shoulder and foot

" Shut it" whispered Jerry...you hear that?


PART 3

Heavy footsteps hit the ground, bump..bump...bump. Jerry's right hand slid over the mouth of Ben hushing him. Bump...Bump...Bump.. the sounds began to draw closer...

"More raiders" whispered Ben.

"No, those are two heavy footsteps...either a Super Mutant...or god forbid....(Jerry put his right hand to his a large scar on the side of his face) a Deathclaw." whispered Jerry

Bump...Bump...Bump..Bump... The two men heard the steps stop and then a sniff. Whatever is what it was close. Ben grabbed his hunting rifle and prepared for whatever it was. Jerry gripped his new assault rifle tightly.
The steps then started to sound again and even worse they felt like there where right on top of the them. Ben turned to Jerry and gave the signal to not make a sound, Jerry nodded.

"Mooooo"...

" What the [censored]!" yelled Ben! "It was a [censored] Brahmin!" he then began to laugh. Jerry walked to him and said, "how the hell was it making that sound?"

"Looks like the raiders raiders nailed its four legs together and forced it to hop." said Ben

Then in a second Ben relized what just had happend. " Anthony! Bill! Sarah! Theyre dead! " Ben said in a calmer yet troubled voice.

" It wont do us any good to stay here, the gunfire has surely attracted some more monst...what the hell are you doing.?" said Jerry

Ben had picken up a nail board and began mauling the brahmin in his blind rage.

" ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! DIE YOU PEACE OF MOTHER ( --------CENSORED---------)"
Ben then stopped when one of the Braminhs heads squashed and blood flew into his eyes.

"Calm the [censored] down Ben!" said Jerry in his normal voice.

Ben began to yell in deep anger
"You want me to calm down!? THREE PEOPLE WHO DEPENDED ON ME ARE DEAD AND NOW I AM STUCK WITH SOME WANNABE BAD@SS WHO CANT DO [censored]!" You sat there acting all Cool and mocho hoping that someone would notice you!" You think your some ultimate warrior who can kill all sorts of things and at the same time have six with every women in the world! You think that this group needed you! This group was doomed from the beggening! You think because your parents tried to kill you that you have some "dramatic" story that makes you special! You arent special! Your a piece of [censored]!

Jerry just stood there staring into Ben's eyes.

" Thats right, I know about your family..your childhood! I read your notebook while you slept. I know that you where a raider...I wouldent be suprised if you planned to kill us all in our sleep and run off with our goods! I never did trust your sorry ass! You no good piece of dog[censored]!

Jerry then looked up at Ben. " Another group has failed....another chance of redemption failed, another group of wasters unwilling to hardend themselves to the task at hand and forgo there human instincts of judgementalness."

Game over Ben.

Jerry then raised his assault rifle to Ben's head and fired. Blood poored from the large gusher that was a head. Jerry knelt down beside his corpse, pulled out his knife and cut another hill from his mohawak.
He then collected all the supplies he could from the buddies of what was his group and moved on. As his walked past the battle field and up the hill

"Jerry....please...help" a faint voice said. Jerry turned to Bill hiding in the bush nursing his wounds.

" What happened to Ben?" What was that last gunshot for?" questioned Bill caustiously. Jerry turned to Bill and said "Forgive me".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So thats part 3. It was a little stale I know but I am going to include more fighting seens in the future and including more "important" characters in the story and work towards developing the characters to a final resolution.


PART 4
A trader was sitting down in his shack with his dog nely listning to GNR. He was singing along counting his caps on a makeshift wooden table. He was about 23 with a rough beared and a pippy tone. He then turned to get another bottle of water from his crate when he saw a faint figure in the distance walking towards him. The sun was behind the figure so he couldent look long before averting his eyes. He grabbed his hunting rifle and took cover behind the metal walls of the shack. Whatever it was he wasent taking chances.

The figure was coming closer..slowly walking. It was about 30 feat away when he could see it was not a raider despite the mohawk.

"[censored] man, you nearly made me shoot you." yelled the trader to the figure in a relieved tone

The figure came to the trader and said. " I have 4 hunting rifles, 25 .32 rounds and some salavage to trade."

" Looks like we can help one another my friend" said the trader before he walked back into his shack to his storege boxes. "whats your name my man?" asked the trader.

" My name? When has a name ever saved anyone? When has a name saved a man's soul? responded the figure.

"Well never, but it makes it easier to address someone. The names Pepron if it makes you feel better."

" My name is..Jerry Forlorn, but you can call me Forlorn." said Jerry Forlorn (who will now be refered to as Forlorn).

"Whats wrong dont like the name Jerry?" asked Pepron in his his peppy voice.

"It brings back to many...memories." said Forlorn.

" We all have a past we arent proud of, now let me go get what I am willing to give you."

Pepron walked off and Forlorn said to himself " I have a past that makes me wish I never was born..all the pain ive caused.." Pepron returned hodling a ammo box, 2 nuka colos and a frag mine.

" The box has a 100 rounds of 5.56 ammo, should work with that rifle of yours..." said pepron.

"Thanks, now I will be on my way." Forlorn turned to leave.

" Hey, keep safe out there alright?" stammered Pepron.

"Yeah...yeah you to pep." Forlorn had finish clipping the magazines of ammo to his armor made of a mixture of flak, scavenged metals and leather. He wallked out rifle in hands, 10m pistol with 30 rounds on his right hip, his knfie on his chest, his three frag grenades on his backbelt and the mine in his pouch on his right hip.

" Where are you headed anyway?" asked Pepron

" Before my team of wastelanders had a...accident we where moving north to a place named the republic of Dave to trade." said Forlorn still walking away.

"Oh [censored] man, you cant go there! That place is swarming with raiders! Its suicide" said Pepron quikly. " However you could come with me and Nelly here down south. We are heading down to DC to meat up with some of our old buddies near some friendship station or something." added Pepron.

Forlorn turned around and said. " I have nowhere else to go anways. When are we heading out?"

"I was just about to start the journey before I saw you coming from that hill." said Pepron in a happy manner.

" Why are you so [censored] happy? asked Forlorn.

" I never get to travel with many friendly humans you see, and when I do they try to betray me and take my stuff...but you seem better then the rest." said Pepron with a smile on his face.

Forlorn said nothing but looked out farther into the wastes.

" Lets get moving." Forlorn added

PART 5
Forlon knelt down on the side of the road looking at something on the ground.

" Whats the hold up?" asked Pepron

" Nothing." Said Forlorn. He got up but put the object in his pocket

The two and and Pepron's dog Nelly walked down the long road south to the ruins of DC.

" So Forlorn whats your story" said Pepron in his usual happy tone.

"My story is a one scrude up thing...(he paused)..lets just say I wish I was stonecold drunk most of the time so I couldent remember." said Forlorn in a downcast manner. " Whats yours?" Forlorn added

" My story! Now thats something I havent been asked in a while. I will tell you but first your going to have to help me kill that Yao Gui up there." said Pepron in a unusual calm. Most people would frozen in fear at the very site of one.

Pepron knelt down behind a rock to conceal himself along with his dog Nelly. " You stay here ok girl?" said Pepron

"Your a calm one arent you?" said forlorn as he headed on the opposite side of the road.

" My father taught me all about survival and staying calm." Noted Pepron.

" Here it comes" said Forlorn.

The large beast walked down the road, it had picken up there scent. It turned to face Forlorn. It let out a large roar and attempted to tackle Forlorn. He jumped out of the way avoiding its huge hulking mass of fang and claw.Pepron shot the beast with his modified hunting rifle in the back quickly and Nelly launched herself on its back and began to tear into it. The Yao Gai quickly swung towards Forlorn hitting him in the chest with its large claw and knocked Nelly off quickly. He was knocked onto his back, if it wasent for his armor he would be dead. Pepron continued to shoot the beast in its back/chest.

"Die already!" yelled Pepron.

The Yao Gai turned to face Pepron but received a...suppository. As it turned Forlorn quickly pulled a pin on one of his three grenades and thrust it up the anus of the beast. He yelled" Get the [censored] away from it!" just before he rolled away to his right as quickly as possible to get away from it. Pepron saw a brief show of utter fear and pain in the face of the Yai Gai just before it blew up sending a mass of meat in all directions and sizeable chunk formerly its bowels right into the face of Pepron.

" Thank god I am wearing goggles are that might have gotten messy" said Pepron in a good humord smile.

" Talk about going out in a bang" said Forlorn in his good humor mood. In the breif moment of laughter Forlorn felt a single moment of peace, a quick escape from all the troubles of the world and his past.

" Nice moves there buddy, and it seems you saved us the trouble of cutting it open for meat. added Pepron.

5 minutes latter the two where on the move once more with little Nelly the ever faithfull canine.

" What where you going to say about your life story Pip?" said Forlorn still in a slighty more cheery manner.

Pip began to tell his story from birth to now as the two traveled down the road. But they where not alone...someone..or something was watching...studying..

(((((((((((((((((REST CHAPTER IN FOLLOWING POSTS, SCROLL DOWN.))))))))))))))))))

Hey,

This could use some formatting and some spell-checking, but as you said, these are your weaknesses. They're very good pieces, and it's a story that I'll keep looking out for.

Friendly suggestion: Get somebody to proofread and edit your work, and your work will be great as opposed to just good.

Thanks for the suggestion. I know a guy who is good at writing FF and ill get some pointers from him. After a bit of help from him I will continue writing sometime tommorrow. Its kind of funny, when you see that first reply to some of your work...magical. I remember my friends first reply about his fan fiction was by some random spammer who simply said, ": [censored] you". It was still magical for him though. laugh

Part 3 is up. As it says I am going to aim for more character development and adding more a of a connecting touch between readers and characters.

Chp 4 updated. If your reading please leave a comment be it good or bad. I want to know how people see my FF as. I know its not great hell I hope that it fits in the "good" zone. As time goes on I hope to improve a bit and make a worthy FF. Commenters get a cookie!

So part 5 is up.

So by now I would realy like some tips from people and some more comments. So far with 90 views I have only 1 reply...its rather heartbreaking.

You know the rule " If you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all"? Well throw that out the window. I just would like to know that someone is actualy reading.

First major tip to you:

Don't update the story in your first post by editing it in... Put it in through different posts, it gives our eyes a break. Your weaknesses are already stated and kind of shown, but the idea is solid and seems to be GOING somewhere at least. Continue and try and spread out your writing through posts to stop peoples eyes popping out.

Awesome thanks Will do.

Chp 6

Pepron and Forlorn were traveling down south the the Friendship Metro station to meat with the group of traders. Along the way the past a ruined sign for a election for some president but his name was nolonger on the Board. The words read " Give me liberty me death."

"Well then thats a funny sign that is" pointed out Pepron.

" Ha, I rememer reading a pre-war book and those words where in it, the man who said it was Patrick Hens or something." stated Forlorn.

" Hey who are those three ahead?" asked Pepron upon noticing two figures about 150ft down the road.

" Maybe some more traders?" suggested Forlorn

"Lets go find out shall we." Said Pepron in his ever happy tone.

The walked to meat the three men. They had stopped by the side of the rode by a destroyed car for a unknown reason.


"Who the hell are you!" Yelled one of the men. Before Pepron or Forlorn could even open there mouths to give a reply the man fired his hunting rifle.

"Ceasefire! [censored]" said Forlorn rasing his gun.

" Ryan! What the hell do you think your doing! Those men arent raiders you moron." yelled another man.

" Trent damnit, you cant be to sure out here!" retaliated the man who had shot at Forlorn and pepron.

" Come on over here guys, maybe we could use your help, my name is Trent by the way and this is Ryan and...OH [censored]! Mutants incoming to the east. yelled Trent noticing one of his compinions head get blown off by a hunting rifle round.

" Time to kill some mutants it seems." said Forlorn as if he enjoyed combat.

" You first" said Pepron with a faint laugh to himself.

Trent and Ryan abandoned there salvage and took cover behind the ruined car. Pepron and Forlorn moved around the backs of the 5 mutants all wielding single shot rifles. Forlorn opend fire with his rifle hitting 3 mutants.

" Get the humans!" yelled one mutant as he pulled out a sledgehammer and charged towards Pepron.

" Up close and persanol then aye? Well play ball greenbean" laughed Pepron firing his 10m sub machine gun into the mutant. Ryan and Trent where pinned down behind the car taking pop shots at the mutants.

" Aww crap, poor Timothy's blood got all over my suit!" said Trent

" Wow is that how you feel about all your friends" asked Ryan still returning fire to the mutants.

" Well of course, your the only I care about after all" said Trent with a smirk and in a joking tone.

The mutant charging at Pepron absorbed all the bullets and flung himself upon Pepron knocking him hard to the ground. Forlorn pulled out his combat knife and lept onto the super mutants back repeatidly thrusting his knife into its back aiming for major organs. The mutant pounded Pepron in the face with his large fists nearly crushing his bones. Pepron pulled out a knife from his suit and jabed it into the neck of the Mutant.

The mutant frenzied flinging its arms all around smacking Forlorn off his back. Forlorn then put the the mutant down by a quick strike to the head with his knife.

" Hey guys we are still getting scrude over here!" yelled Ryan to Pepron and Forlorn.

" Kill them quickly!" yelled a mutant to his 4 remaining companions. 1 mutant charged at Trent throwing his rifle at his face glancing his eye. Trent shot the mutant in the chest with his 10m submachine but it was Ryan who shot it through the head that killed it.

" You stole my kill" shouted Trent to Ryan

" Thats for last time when when you stole mine! noted Ryan.

Forlorn fired into the backs of the three mutants killing one by cause of a severed spine. One returned fire hitting Forlorn in the chest in chest by his armor protected him and and just barely stopped the bullet. Pepron then shot the mutant dead via enough bullets to drop a rampaging drugged up fat guy.

" Too many humans! shouted the last mutant as he ran away.

"Ill get him!" smiled Ryan running after it sledgehammer in hand.

"Alright have fun!" shouted Trent then he whispered."idiot"



" So who are you guys" said Forlorn

:fallout: DUDE THAT WAS AN EPIC HALF-DONE NOVEL I LIKED THE PART WHEN THE "FORLORN" GUY JUST ANIALATES HIS PREVIOUS CREW MEMBER REST HIS SOUL AND I THINK THAT TAI WUOLD BE PROUD

Everyone ignore this man! He is a threat to your sanity.He is also my stalker.

Update: Next chapter is in production more comments are always welcome.

Chp 7

"Who are you guys?" asked Trent

" I am a trader on my way to to the friendship station meeting" stated Pepron

"My name is Jerry Forlorn and thats all you need to know" said Forlorn

Trent eyed Forlorn closely for a second then turned to pepron and said" Ryan, that puddle of meat right there( Trent pointed to his former companion) and I are on our way there as we speak. We had to stop because Ryan had a case of diarrea and kept [censored]ting his pants. Then we saw you two and here we are.

" Where the hell did Ryan run off to?" asked Forlorn

" He does that crap all the time" said Trent

"So then, what do you say we team up? suggested Pepron

" I guess we could use another gun or two as long as you supply yourselves." said Trent

Before another word could be said Ryan could be seen bolting back to the group.

" Whats wrong Ryan, see a Deathclaw!" laughed Trent

" RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!!!!!" Yelled Ryan panting heavily

Trent continued to laugh at him but Forlorn and Pepron looked more concerned. Behind the hill Ryan had moments ago ran down a large figure could be seen chasing him. "Ah [censored] a Deathclaw!" said Trent his fear showing

" Shoot that Son of [censored]! yelled Forlorn

The three opened fire on the beast and Ryan ran like holy hell. " [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored]!!!!" panted Ryan as he ran further towards the group. He fell and felt the beast running closer...closer...then he felt a huge brush of air go past him as the deathclaw ran past him and ran to the left avoiding the group.

" That will show it not to [censored] with us!" yelled Trent

" No...it was running away, deathclaws are relentless and will never stop to kill there prey.(He turned to face Trent) If something was able to scare a Deathclaw we better get the hell out of here. " stated Forlorn

" Agreed" said Trent and Pepron nearly at the same time.

" A little help here!" yelled Ryan to the three. Then they jogged over to Ryan and helped him up.

" That diarrea any better or do you need new underwear" snickered Trent

Ryan gave Trent a angry look.

" Here take this (Pepron handed Ryan a needle) it will clear your bowels straight out, like a lubricent."

" Thanks...where do I uhhhh....insert this?" asked Ryan

" Well...you jab it right into your balls." said Pepron knowing it sounded stupid

" Oh come on! Fine." said Ryan with a voice mixed with anger and relief " Just..just give me a minute" he added.


"Well well well, look what we got here" said a voice coming from behind.

The four then turned around to see 4 slavers, 2 armed with assault rifles, one with a hunting rifle and another with a 44. Magnum.

" Now either you put these collars on nice and easy or you die" said the leader of the slavers. He was tall with a large black beard and a bright green mohawk.

" Fine fine dont hurt us" said Trent he then winked at the other three reasurringly. Ryan nodded in understaning. Forlorn and Pepron exchanged glances.

The four slavers then lined the four up and and began to place the collars on there necks.

"Now! shouted Trent

He then thrust his back right leg into the groin of the slaver behind him. He then quickly pulled out his concealed pistol and shot him in the chest multiple times before rolling to his left and taking cover behind a medium sized rock.

Then seconds after Forlorn, pepron and Ryan assaulted the remaining slavers. Ryan grabbed the metal collar and smacked the slaver in the jaw with it incredibly hard breaking bones he followed this up by jumping on him and pounding him with his fists. Pepron dropped to the ground, rolled back between the slavers legs and then uppercut him in the testicles followed by a sharp rock to the back of the kneck. Blood spewed from his neck. By this time Forlorn had used his incredible agility to upercut the slaver behind him followed by a roundhouse kick. Afterwords he pulled out his small knife used for cutting apart animals and thrust it into the kneck of the Slaver leader. Blood went into his eyes sending him into a mad frenzy.

" DIE YOU SLAVER SCUMB [censored]!" He yelled as the knife went in and out of his already decapitated head.

Ryan and Pepron had to pull him off of the slaver to end his madness.

" Looks like someons got some inner demons" Smiled Pepron

this is very awesome story. it could use a little spelling and grammer, but u said those r ur weaknesses. oh, and can i join u guys? im a good writer.

Thank you and a FF is written solo so no. Well because someone else replyd I guess I might as well write some more if for nothing else then the hell of it.

I'd say the biggest issue is in the details. If you're just writting for the forum, no biggie. But as a writter, I can say the best works are one that make the reader feel like they are in the story, rather than ust reading events in a timelime. Good storyline though!

Oh, and don't worry about writting who said what after each quote.

"Hi" Said mike

"Sup?" replied sally

"How you doin?"

"Not bad"

If the quotes after a statement are closed, that person is done speaking that time. In the above example, its implied that Mike asked "How you doin?", since the dialog is only between those two persons.

Sometime adding an action outside the quote can label it as well.

And another addition: Too much dialog makes it more of a script than a story. Some speech can be entered as a descriptor or action, rather than a dialog.

These were just some things I had to get used to when I started writting. The more you write and have people read, the better you will get.

THose are the two main things I have always wandered about! I always thought you where supposed to say who talked everytime but I felt it was clunky but did it anyways. I was also wandering about how much dialog was enough. Thank you very much sir.

Anytime. When I started writting, I had my college-educated sister look at it. After her lecture, I decided to continue. Eventually I got the style down, now I'm working out most of the kinks. Writters block svcks too, and that seems to be my biggest issue.
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