Somewhere deep in the dungeons of Arkgntahd a terrible curse lay sleeping, waiting to be awakened to conquer, devour, destroy the upper world. It was roused by the bare feet of a young Bosmer girl named Dianna. She was about seventeen, she came from Seyda Neen, tired of the small town life, and looking for adventure. Once in Balmora, she was quickly signed up for an archaeological expedition to Arkgnthad by a rather slow fellow whom she knew in her childhood. She was now in the lower section of the dungeon. She was walking around pointlessly when something caught her hazel eyes. "What the hell?" She said. The object that caught her eye was a small box. At closer examination the box was made from glass with a ebony frame. On its top were two snakes made of gold. Even though the box was not of Dwemer design, Dianna knew this too well. "Wow." she breathed. She then proceeded to open the box. Suddenly, a red mist shot with a hiss out of the box, and into the heart of this fortress. Dianna screamed, then fainted. To be continued.........

P.S Sorry for the typo's. I hope you'll like this version better.

Read the first few sentences and couldn't continue. Either cut the text into articles, or be prepared to recieve mostly negative, if any, comments.

Is this better?

I can't speak for Saimon (obviously) but when I read your original post, I felt that it needed clearer formatting - and I suspect that's what Saimon meant too. Breaks between paragraphs, a new line when a new person speaks etc etc, rather than just a solid block of text.

Also, I wouldn't really use a phrase like this to describe something,

"Suddenly, a haze of red things went out of the box"

Using an expression like "red things" is far too vague, it doesn't show us anything. Whatever the image you'd had in mind, describe it to us

Looks promsing as an idea but what you have there is too little and vague. Also try breaking it up into paragraphs instead of a large block of text and maybe add some more detail to get across what you want.

I apologize if I caused any confusion, by saying "cut the text into articles" I meant break the text into paragraphs, not shorten the text as a whole.

Having read it completely this time, I have the feeling that we were thrown into the action too fast. At one point we are introduced to Dianna and a few moments later, she is stunned by a "haze of red things" (?). Things are simply happening too fast. In fact, it can be fairly confusing for the reader, because some important details are skipped. How did she get into Arkgntahd? Why did she spend a whole week in the dungeons?

If these issues would be solved, I see promise in this. I shall keep an eye on this.

I'm gonna change it up a little more today. I'll publish the continuation later. Probably in 2009.

Make the subsequent parts longer.