This is my first fan-fic, you know the drill. Be as brutal as you need to in your criticism. Keep in mind i wrote this from the perspective of an old man approaching senility, and the way he talks is very distinctive.


And away we go.....

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So you want to hear about the Tin Man, do you? Well sit down and stop your jabbering so i can think. Now lets see...

I was just a young lad when i first met him. Not much older than you...

http://i570.photobucket.com/albums/ss142/TayRoc_2009/silho3.jpg

I'll never forget the day i first set eyes on him. It was my sixteenth birthday if you could believe it, and i don't much care if you don't.

There i was, sitting at the bar at Gorman Bros. Tavern having just bought myself a pint of the terrible swill old Sparrow brewed up in the converted mill out back, and just before i take a swig of the horrid stuff, in he walks. The door was a section of wood plank fencing held in place on a set of chain-link hinges, and when it swings open, the whole place floods with light seeing as the genius who decided to put it there didnt think about the way the sunlight comes in in the afternoon. Anyways, the place was pretty packed that day, so when the door busts open and in walks this old cowboy just like out of one of them old-time holo-vids, their has to be about a hundred eyes on him. A normal man might feel a little self-conscious about having so many sets of greedy headlights burnin at him, but this guy? No sir. Cool as a cucumber, he is. The light behind him is blinding me and hiding his face but i can see for sure that he's got no fear in him.

Usually its all a man can do but to bust through that door as quick as his legs'll let him and find a seat for his ass and a hook for his hat, but this guy just stands there in the doorway for a second with all these eyes on him and he just takes a good look around and at this point i think that this guy is looking like a real hard deal. And then, casual as you like, he comes walking over and sits himself right down beside me at the counter, drops his hat next to him and he says to me, "Seat taken?" without even looking at me and all i can manage to force out is something like, "I suppose it is now!" and then, because I was never too bright i have myself a little laugh and he turns and looks me right in the eye and i'll tell you right now i damn-near [censored] myself right there in that bar.

So he orders himself a beer (and you know for sure old Sparrow brought him a bottle of the good stuff) and while he sits there drinking it in his own little world I take a good long look at this new character: He looks to be somewhere in his forties because he's got a few wrinkles showing in a few places, and his black hair is going grey at the temples and the way he moves is telling me he ain't no young man but he's still got a lot of life in him. On that jaw of his he's got some pretty long stubble going, and his moustache is combed all nice and curled up ever so gently at the corners and i got to say his clothes have seen a few klicks too by the looks of things. He's wearing a dusty old collared shirt with the sleeves rolled up past the elbows and it looks like he only remembered to button half of the damn thing when he got out of bed this morning and i'd believe it too if i didnt know he was boiling in this heat along with the rest of us. His pants are a pair of equally dusty old jeans that by some miracle have survived without so much as getting their knees ripped up. His shoes surprised me the most of all of him: Instead of wearing a pair of sturdy walking boots or something of that nature he's got on a pair of ancient red hi-top running shoes with stars on the inside of 'em and you can believe they were as red as the day is long. Now as he is sitting to the right of me i can see on the left side of his hip he's got himself a piece tucked away in a leather holster and when he sees me eyeing it he turns to me and i decide that i've surveyed him good and proper so i turn back to my mug quick as you'd like, me not wanting to upset the fellow, but he keeps on staring at me and he starts talking and i don't know where in hell he's gotten all this information but he tells me anyway in that deep voice of his, he says:

"Its a Smith and Wesson model 1911. It fires forty-five caliber rounds from an eight-round magazine and that is more bullets than i need to kill a boy who won't keep his eyes to himself."

And then he takes another drink of his beer and he winks at me and you could say with confidence that nobody ever finished a drink faster than i did that day, because I got my own self out of there faster than a man ever did see.

I like it so far, and want to hear some more about this guy. He has a nice gun :hehe:

I stopped reading here, because of all the grammar mistakes.

Busts = busted
walks = walked
their = there
has = had

and the build of the sentence isn't right. (and it's a bit too long for easy reading.)

alot of more mistakes, but the story sounded allright this far.

The mistakes are supposed to be there, it is how the narrator talks.

Allrighty then.

This way, it doesn't make me want to read it any further, though, maybe I'm the only one.

The narrator specifies that he is using the word "their" when the proper term is "there"?

No, but seriously, it's a good story, I read it all the way, but a lot of grammar and punctuation issues.

Once again, i know about all the grammar and punctuation issues. the narrator himself is none-too-smart.

With that feedback in mind, i will try to stay faithful to the same writing style, but i will tone it down a bit in chapter 2

I don't mean dialect errors, I mean things like the "I"s not being capitalized, periods and commas either not present where they should be, or over-used. That sort of thing.

I am replicating the way he talks, and he talks in a lot of run-on sentences.

I see that you want to continue this path, but you'll have to consider:

Will the reader have a hard time reading this?, because I had to read one sentence multiple times before understanding it.
It takes away the flow of the story, and the urge to read on.

But don't take this as an offence, I'm just trying to give you some pointers.

Like you said:

:)

Nothing wrong with the story and the idea though.

I like it. It sounds like the way dozens of people speak at this bar I frequent with my friends. Most speak in run on sentences, and such. Mostly because they're drunk and don't know what they're talking about.

I understood it and read through fine.
Mind you, this is the first time i have seen him post in the Fallout forums, so leave the poor TES'er alone.

In that case I stand alone, so you can ignore my brabbel.
If you need me, I'll be playing with my shadow in the corner... alone.
just, alone. In the empty, empty voids.

;)

It's okay. And he has posted on fallout fan fiction before. And almost ruined a perfectly good RP.

Good to know i'm not forgotten around here.

I didn't ruin anything. That RP was boring as [censored] so i spiced it up. Leave me alone.

Hey, cool it. OK. :toughninja:

Cooooooool as a cucumber. Chapter 2 coming later today or possibly tomorrow.