Well now, first off let me say welcome to Tes fan fiction, we're always glad to have new writers
I am very glad that you said criticism is welcome, because little brings me more pleasure than giving some meaningful advice to new writers. It's like giving back to the community, a noble deed everyone should try. But enough for sentimental jibber jabber, on to the critique!
Your story shows some of the classic mistakes of fresh authors, things that, for the most part, will pass in time without much difficulty. This is not something to become disheartened by, the earlier you learn from your mistakes the more quickly you get better, no? So, I'll focus on these three areas first: grammar, infodumping, and characterization.
Journals can be difficult to write well, but when they are they can be more chilling than any narrative. They offer the unique position of showing the innermost thoughts of the character, and allow us to see things after the character has reflected on them. There are quite a few tips and tricks with journal writing, but for now I wouldn't focus on those. In fact, after you finish this story I would very much advise you try a third person narrative. The same kind of stories you read in your favorite novels; I think they are far more fun and exciting than journals, but that's just my opinion.
Now then, time for a quick grammar lesson. I won't go through and point out every single mistake, that would quickly get tedious for both of us, but I will show you some examples of the types of mistakes you are making. Grammar is a tricky business, but it's something all writers need to learn if they want anyone to read them. It's just expected with good literature. Of course, with a journal you can write however intelligent your character is supposed to be; a peasant would not know the subtle uses of a comma, for instance.
First example:
I should reach Bruma in another day if the weather favours me, maybe I will maybe I won't.
Within sentences there are sections of words called phrases. The two kinds of phrases you need to worry about are dependent and independent; yu might have heard of these in your English or Language Arts class. Independent phrases are those that can stand alone, a complete thought, as their own sentence. Dependent phrases require an independent phrase to latch on to in order to be a sentence. Combining the two usually requires a conjunction and comma or a semi-colon. Commas can be recognized in speech by brief pauses, and sometimes it's just up to what feels right for writing. There are complicated rules, but I usually just play it by ear (leading quite frequently to an overuse of commas).
Now, in this sentence, the bolded part is the independent phrase, it can stand alone as a sentence. The last bit is a dependent phrase, it wouldn't make sense if you simply said it by itself. You combined the two with a comma well enough, but the problem is that they are separate with each other as well. It's a rather strange saying to write out, but I would think it should be written like so:
I should reach Bruma in another day if the weather favours me; maybe I will, maybe I won't.
I changed your comma into a semi-colon, because although it could have worked, you needed that comma between will and maybe. You could also have put the semi-colon there, but it just doesn't look as good seeing as how those are really one expression together.
So just keep in mind that when you have a pause if you would be speaking it you need a comma when writing it. Commas are tricky, and spellcheckers won't catch them all the time, so it's just something you need to learn over time. Mainly use them when separating two clauses, such as this, or before conjunctions doing the same thing (like that). They can also be used for lists, interjecting a small phrase, such as this, into a sentence, or when using words at the beginning of your sentence (like how I said "Well now, ..." above). If you need further explanation with commas let me know, or even better ask some of the actually qualified people (such as a certain English major I know...)
Anyway, moving on to the next grammar lesson (long and boring, I know. Sorry, it's the best I can do)
I woke at about 6:00 in the morning the wound seems to have clotted thank Stendarr, after a brief drink from the little pool I camped by I took a swim to wake myself up, when I went under a waterfall to wash myself fully I found a enchanted ring.
Here is the enemy of a comma, the run on sentence. It's a difficult thing to avoid sometimes, but if it makes sense I reccomend separating this into two, maybe three different sentences. Most of the rest of your story takes place in simple sentences, it's just this one that really glared out.
Also, in the first part you make another minor phrasing error, which I also fixed in bold.
I think the best way to separate this would be to add in a period here:
I woke at about 6:00 in the morning; the wound seems to have clotted up, thank Stendarr. After a brief drink from the little pool I camped by, I took a swim to wake myself up. But when I went to the waterfall to wash myself fully, to my surprise I found an enchanted ring!
I made a few changes, and I for one think it reads a little smoother. They're just minor things, things that you'll probably notice on a second read through, and if not then you should start noticing them as you write more. There'll be plenty of people to point out your grammar though, trust me, you won't be in any short supply of advice there
Anyway, the boring part aside, I'll move right on in to infodumping. Now, for normal stories the exposition should start with a fairly normal scene to introduce the character and setting, and then by the end of the first chapter introduce the beginnings of the conflict. Journals it's much the same thing, except it's separated into journal entries. For the first few you should just focus on introducing who the character is (not describing his features or anything, but showing us what his personality and whatnot is like) and what he is doing at the time. Now, I am going to assume that his revenge scheme is the main conflict here, and that's where we get to infodumping.
After skinning the wolf I was shaking, the memories of Louise's death came back to me, her screams, those horrible screams of pain! That woman shall pay for Louise's death, she will pay.
When writing a journal, the first thing you need to think about is what the character would write in that situation. You have to think as realisticly as possible, you can't just add something because it advances the story. The story should advance itself naturally, you shouldn't need to come out with something as obvious as this. Be more vague, all we need to know is that he is emotionally crippled by an accident, perhaps a loss. All this detail is not really advancing the story or creating suspense, it's more like summarizing to the reader what your plot is instead of revealing it through clever writing. It's a tad bit more difficult to do in journals, which is why I advise narratives, but there are ways.
Infodumping is pretty much any long description of a character's past or thoughts, and it is more or less branded as such if it is not relevant or flowing with the story. Like I said, this kind of information needs to come across naturally, without the sudden abrupt feel an infodump gives it. Sure it helps the audience understand what's going on, but the number one tool of good writers is confusion. Ambiguity creates mystery, mystery creates suspense, and suspense creates drama. Drama, in short, is what keeps readers interested. It makes them care what happens to the character; without it even the most heartpounding, jump out of your seat exciting scene won't make the reader so much as bat an eye. Revealing the character slowly, with a lot of good juicy buildup, makes for much better characterization.
Alright, I didn't mention this at the top, but you get this for free: a random string of coincidences that happens to advance the story does not make a plot. A plot should start with one major event, and then everything from that point on is caused (directly or indirectly) from that event. The wolf appearing was a random coincidence that happened to bring to mind memories of his dead lover, unfortunately it will always bring the same sense of incompletion to your work. The plot needs to make sense with itself, and to be perfectly honest such coincidences are widely regarded as cheap. It, more than anything else, is what causes people to say that a story has "no plot". I'm not trying to put you or your story down, it's a truth of writing everyone needs to be aware of, and once again, the sooner the better.
Characterization is the development of your character throughout the story, either through direct narration or thoughts, or indirectly through dialogue and actions. How direct or indirectly you reveal bits of the character is the main dividing factor between a close and far person view (though with journals it mucks all the normal stuff up). Once again, you can't give a lot of emotional backstory about the character all at once and hope for us to connect to him. You need to give it piece by piece, with a good bit of mystery, in order for us to really feel for the character. That's the main key of good narratives, well rounded characters that leave the audience wide eyed whenever anything dramatic happens. They're called character driven stories for a reason
(Or, if you haven't heard that term before, a story that focuses more on the protagonist than the plot itself)
I have a bit more to say, but I don't want to make a critique any longer than I already have (as it seems I have once again exceeded the actual piece I was critiquing in length). Hopefully this all makes sense, but if you have any questions at all please do not be afraid to ask. I am always willing to help anyone that doesn't understand something, or at least try my best
So, for now I must bid you adieu, but in the meantime, thank you very much for your writing thus far, and keep up the good work :goodjob:
» Fri May 13, 2011 6:25 am 
After all, he did take the time to post on your thread! It must mean something is good, no? 
