Now wait a second... I am not abandoning this story, just pausing it for the time being. Which is better, the stuff I am currently writing, or the stuff BSparrow writes? I need some time to study the suggestions. Some time to learn a little better grammar. It is better to wait for something great than to achieve something poor instantly...

Edit: I am sure some of you think, "Wow, that is just dumb!", but I seen it otherwise, because BSparrow, Darkom, etc. view my stories as mediocre at best, due to the poor grammar, so why not take a break to get better with it and the character dialogue as well. Sorry if this upsets anyone, but it is personal choice and it will make my stories better.

You get better by writing continuously.

EDIT: And you DID see my critique, right?

Raven looked around the giant cantons of Vivec with awe in her facial expression. Zalphon chuckled, "So, you like Vivec, do you?"

The girl responded hastily, "It is beautiful, more beautiful than I ever imagined."

Zalphon laughed as they walked in the Foreign Quarter. He said to a nearby Gondolier, "Sera, my young friend and I need escort to St. Olms Canton."

The Gondolier looked at them and stuck his hand out, "five drakes..."

He pulled out five of his golden coins and gave them to the boatman who motioned them to get in. Raven asked curiously, "What is St. Olms Canton?"

Zalphon chuckled and said, "Where commoners live, the temple sponsors it all."

"The temple," Zalphon thought, "I really must speak to Archcanon Saryoni."

Raven looked nervously at her friend, Zalphon, "Umm, will they take me?"

Zalphon nodded, "Are you of noble birth, of riches, or a great mage?"

She shook her head, impying "no" was the answer.

He responded quickly, "Yes, they will be glad. Got any skills?"

Raven said politely, "Yes, Sera, I am an alchemist-in-training."

Zalphon told her, "Well, once you go to Saint Olms Canton, you are on your own, the temple has cheap rent."

Finally the boat stopped and the boat-master said politely, "Enjoy your stay, Sir Zalphon."

The Raven exitted the boat and told Zalphon, "Farewell, Zalphon."

"The girl will be dead within a week most likely," He thought, "Since Crassius will find out, but maybe that old pervert will leave the lass alone, or the guards will protect her."

He told the Gondolier, "Take me to the Temple District..."

P.S.: Yes I did Redrock, and thats why I began this again.

Well, you have improved, but I'm not going to really bother with critiquing you much here, since everyone else seems to have that fully handled. On the issue of dialogue, while it has gotten better, it seems really odd to me for some reason. It's like... It's like you switch sometimes between formal and casual speech, and it kinda trips me up. I'm sure most people wouldn't mind, but I tend to pay attention to that. It doesn't really flow very well to me, and its still short. You need to work on your descriptions, especially with the last bit here.

And... That's about it for me right now.

Ah come on, that's not a good excuse. The more the merrier!!!

Well, Redsrock has once again stated everything that I failed to verbalize correctly But Shades can't have any of my share if he starts too; I earned that money.

Ah, I thought when you said break that you meant a good week or two. I guess a break is only a day in Zalphon time (I did see your little post script message, by the way. I just felt like messing with people)

I don't see why you can't write and read in the same day. I always read a chapter or two in my books (currently Dune and the Emperor series) before I write anything. Though I'm not one to talk about writing continuously

Anyway, I think that chapter was a little better. A subtle, hard to notice kind of way, but still an improvement :goodjob: Keep it up!

Removed

Zalphon stared at the waters in the canols, the beautiful water, it almost reminded him of the Odai River. Finally after what felt like several minutes, the Gondolier barked, "This is your stop."

Zalphon nodded and said politely, "Thank you, Sera."

The Gondolier just shrugged as he left. The golden-armored guards of Vivec were everywhere, guarding the Temple. I walked to the Hall of Wisdom and said to the guard, "I am here to see Archcanon Saryoni."

The Ordinator hissed, "No one sees the Archcanon at this time."

He responded stared at the ordinator, "Now, I am a Temple member, and must speak to the Archcanon, I am not just some commoner."

The guard moved away from the door, motioning Zalphon in. As he opened the door, he wandered until he found Archcanon Saryoni. He said anxiously, "Archcanon, I have to speak to you."

Saryoni sat at his desk and looked up from his book, "What is it, Brother Dunmer?"

Zalphon explained, "I must speak to the Tribunal themselves, to ask them something."

The Priest sighed, "What is it?"

He got the response, "I have been having dreams about St. Nerevar, and must speak to them, and them only."

The Archcanon handed Zalphon a small key, and he said hastily, "Tell Vivec to summon the others, if I hear any noise, the ordinators and I will have you hung, am I understood?"

"Yes, Archcanon," Zalphon said.

Zalphon left the Hall of Wisdom and walked amongst the temple district, until he found a grand palace, when he looked at it, there was an engraving on the door, "Vivec's Palace". He inserted the key into the keyhole and turned it, opening the door.

Vivec was meditating when he asked, "Curate, what is it?"

He hastily responded, "Summon Almalexia and Sotha Sil, I must talk to the three of you."

Vivec sighed as he muttered under his breath, suddenly the golden-skinned Almalexia stood to his left, and the dark skinned Sotha Sil stood to his right. Vivec asked, "Now what is it, Child?"

Zalphon nervously mumbled, "Well, I had a dream of St. Nerevar, and you three, and Lord Voryn Dagoth. St. Nerevar and Dagoth fought, over treasure from what I think if Dagoth was sane. Then when Dagoth lie dead, you attacked St. Nerevar."

Sotha Sil had a grim look on his face when he said, "A man calling us murderers!"

Almalexia gently said to Sotha Sil, "Patience, the man is just having nightmares, maybe we can cure him of his soul sickness."

He asked, "What is this soul sickness?"

Vivec said, "You have been touched by lies."

Sotha Sil, Almalexia, and Vivec said in unison, "We can cure it if you find an artifact, as you work towards getting the artifact, the closer the soul sickness will be to being cured."

Zalphon stared at the three of them, "What is it?"

Sotha Sil said, "Commisioned by Mehrunes Dagon himself, forged by the greatest dremora blacksmith to ever live, and enchanted by Hermaeus Mora, it has a soul of a valkynaz sorcorer imbued with it. It is called, 'Nightsinger', once you find it, your illness will be cured."

Zalphon nodded as he walked out the doors prepared to get Nightsinger.

Please comment...

Dude, you only made your last update today and you're already begging for attention. People will review your story, just be patient.

My time it was yesterday, at 4...

Still, my point is still valid. People want to help you, and have gone far out of their way to. Respect that and be patient, you'll likely get one soon.

The newest update is only just over 500 words. Now, there's nothing wrong with that, but you cannot expect people to critique every 500 words. A lot of people will offer comments every 2-3 updates, when they have a bit more to dig their teeth into. As it is, there seems to be a few people who are trying to offer comments to you regularly, so just be patient

Anyway, seeing as you've asked for comments:

Plot is starting to move along, which is good. Dialogue is a considerable improvement over your earlier efforts. Two things I'd ask you to think about.

1) Setting. Where are we? What does Zalphon see, hear, smell etc etc. We all experience the world through our senses. If you want to get the reader fully immersed into your story, look to incorporate those senses, otherwise we're always left with a distance from truly getting involved. Show us what they see and taste and smell, and show us what the character thinks of that.

2)


The dialogue should let us know how the characters are feeling. Trust us to make that connection, you don't need to tell us how they say it every single time. Let what they say speak for itself.

You're improving though, no question. And the way you handle criticism and are determined to learn and improve is a quality I greatly admire in you. Keep it up!

Zalphon walked out the door, hearing the laughs, the jokes, the life of Vivec. He saw the gigantic cantons, filled with life. His nostrils were intruded by the many different scents of the city. He had one thought as he looked at the sunset, "Raven can probably let me sleep at her apartment."

He walked to across the bridge to St. Ohms District, and asked an ordinator, "Where can I find a young mage, a dunmer, she is about seventeen."

The Ordinator responded, "Raven?"

Zalphon nodded.

The Guard pointed at Hlaalu District, "The prosttute is in Curio Manor."

Zalphon stood there for a second, awe-struck.

The man asked, "Are you ok, Sera?"

The young dunmer ran to a gondolier and barked, "Hlaalu District, immediately!"

The gondolier stuck out his hand, "Gold."

Zalphon pulled out twenty golden coins and handed them to the gondolier as he hissed, "Now go!"

Zalphon sat down on the boat as he thought, "That Fetcher! That N'wah! That S'wit! Raven and I are both young, but that doesn't mean I am helpless. Curio will regret the error of his ways."

He heard people talking as the boat drifted towards Hlaalu District. Finally a sudden stop occured as the gondolier said, "Goodbye."

He crawled out of the boat and ran up towards the Hlaalu Plaza, he pulled a vial of scrib jelly out of his pack and drank it, using the energy it gave him he managed to reach the giant double doors labeled, "Hlaalu Plaza." He opened the giant doors and walked in, as he hunted for the Curio Manor, like a nix-hound hunts for a rat.

Zalphon thought, "Finally I found it." as he walked towards Curio Manor. He opened the door only to be greeted by an elderly dark elven woman who asked, "Are you hear to see Crassius."

He nodded yes. The woman motioned him in as she said, "He is right downstairs, first door to the left."

Zalphon walked down the stairs and entered the room Crassius was in. Crassius said, "Uncle Crassius thinks you should go to your quarters, Raven."

The young girl's cries were heard as she managed to pull a robe over herself then she ran past Zalphon with tears running down her face. Zalphon barked, "Listen, Crassius. I am here to purchase the young dark elven girl you recently 'acquired' from Desele's House of Earthly Delights."

Crassius smiled, "Oh, her, I will sell her for, three and a half thousand gold."

His jaw dropped at the outrageous price. He asked, "Please Curio, I am trying to be nice, she is just a girl."

Crassius shouted, "Oh Raven, come here."

She covered her chest, she had just barely managed to put her skirt on, and she asked, "W-w-what do you want, Master?"

Zalphon told her, "You're coming with me, Raven."

Crassius chuckled, "Actually, I will sell her to you, for a deal, your Ebony Katana."

Raven's eyes were wet with tears as she stared at Zalphon. He thought, "I must give up my weapon to help her, whether I want to or not, she could prove to be helpful."

He pulled the katana off his back and handed it to him. Crassius looked at Raven, "Put on some clothes, then you may leave, oh wait, first give me a kiss."

Zalphon sighed and said irritatedly, "That wasn't part of the deal!"

Raven sadly told Zalphon, "I-i-its fine."

She walked over to Crassius and kissed him, a tear burned her face as she kissed him, and she ran to her quarters when it was over. She came out with an old, cloth, shirt and an old, tattered, skirt. She kissed Zalphon as well and whispered, "Thank you, so much."

The two walked out of Curio Manor, now Zalphon had a friend, well an ally at least in his quest.

Yo, Zal, two things. One, try not to update so often. It's hard catching up, even if you post little sections. Two, it'd be nice to at least let everyone know you're reading their critiques. You don't HAVE to listen to what we say, but it'd sure be nice for you to at least acknowledge that you're paying attention.

Well I gotta say, thanks to all the people who have given me advice

Not quite what Reds meant, but thanks for the effort

To acknowledge critiques (something I don't think I've ever seen you do ) is to tell the critic whether you agree or disagree with them in a cordial manner. Tell them what you were trying to accomplish, but also acknowledge that there are some things that they simply know more than you on. Work with them on your story, and always ask questions. There are literally dozens of amazing writers here whose knowledge you can tap into for mutual benifit. I think if we got a few more discussions going here, we could really help speed the learning process.

Thanks for writing, and keep it up :goodjob:

PS I think we might be able to try something new with critiquing here, if you're up for it. Instead of simply reading your writing and reviewing it, why don't you tell us what you are trying to do- be it charecterization, plot advancement, description, etc.- for each bit of your story. Then, we will know exactly what you are thinking, and thus be able to help you much more efficiently. Think that'd be cool?

Oh, if you are wondering why I am trying to break the norm, it is a mix of boredom of straight up critiques and desire to try new things. Also, I think it is a fairly good idea

Yeah. Pretty much just to get a conversation going. Sometimes I learn LOADS of writing techniques just by having a normal conversation after replying to someone.

Oh, alright!

This is going good Zalphon, but slow it down, your writing way too fast. Fast writing leads to easy mistakes. Also, carefully follow what the others review you on, they do a great job in trying to help you. So do a good job and help them.
Anyway enjoy writing and take your time

Careful, you just dipped into 1st person.

Getting better. Something else I've noticed, though, is that the story uses waaay too many dialogue tags. Here's what I'm talking about:

The bolded part is a dialogue tag. You only need more than a few of them when there are a lot of speakers. That's not the case with your story. Cut down on them, please. Also, mix it up a bit. Your tags always seem to be before the speech. Put some after the speech as well so everything doesn't read so robotic.

You're writing way too fast, which is probably why you're making the errors your making. Don't write so much. And make sure to edit, Edit, EDit, EDIt, EDIT! It's very important. Just as important (if not more important) than the writing process itself.

You are getting better, though. Characters are starting to shape, so that's a good thing.

The two walked out of Curio manor, Raven's blouse was wet from her tears of joy. Zalphon had a sour look on his face, he gave away one of his family heirlooms, Vivec, Almalexia, and Sotha Sil gave it to his great, great, great, great, great grandfather, but now it was gone, he was little more than a knave, at least in his family's opinion. The scents of exotic food, failed alchemical experiments, and burnt parchment were in the air. Raven said kindly, "What you did was a good thing."

Zalphon sighed, "Yes, you are safe, but my family shall disown me, and call me little more than a knave, as far as they are concerned I am no better than a slave."

"Sure you are," Raven added, "At least to me."

Zalphon thought, "Yes, to you at least."

The two walked in silence for several moments to the Hlaalu Weaponsmith. The Blacksmith asked, "What can I do for you, Sir Knight?"

Zalphon responded, "Got a sword?"

The blacksmith went into his back room and came out with a silver sword, "I have this, it is the best sword I own."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

He put a bag of septims on the counter and said, "Hand it to me."

The blade was given to Zalphon, it was lighter than he was used to, but he would adjust. Raven motioned Zalphon to follow, "Come on, Sera."

"Fine," Zalphon growled.

The two exitted the shop and left Hlaalu Plaza, hearing the walking of the people, he quickly headed to a gondolier. Raven questioned, "Where are we going?"

The dunmeri knight responded, "The item is not on this island, or we would know, because the Tribunal would have it in their grasps, we are leaving for the land of Skyrim, a place where our kind fought the vicious nords, perhaps it is there, within the frozen wastelands."

The girl nodded. Finally Zalphon reached the boatman, and he told him, "Take me to the Silt Strider."

The boat moved slowly once Zalphon and Raven got in, the sound of rushing water calmed his thoughts, but he was still worried, it showed on his face.

He thought, "Skyrim is likely, it is a hated place of my people, and if the Temple were to help me cure myself, then I must earn my cure."

The minutes passed and soon they were at the silt strider. Zalphon handed the silt strider master several coins as he said, "We're going to Balmora," and entered the shell, ready to go...

The Boatman stuck out his hand, and placed within it was ten drakes.

Also Redrock, sorry for the dialogue tags, I am still in school, and they haven't taught us dialogue without the tags, so my apologies...

Ah, I see. Not a problem. That's what we're here for.

Notice my comment, Red?