Six months before the Nerevarine arrived in Vvardenfell...

Zalphon awoke in his home, the hour was early morning, but the sun had arisen. He smelled the scent of kwarma egg cooking, thanks to his slave, Quick-Strike. He shouted with his, raspy, dunmeri, voice, "Quick-Strike, that smells good, maybe tonight you can have some scrib jelly on your bread."

The argonian had no response, as he heard Zalphon walk down the stairs. Zalphon sat down at his dining table and sipped his flin, courtesy of the Temple. Quick-Strike pulled the egg out of the fire, and put it on one of Zalphon's greenware plates and said, "Enjoy, Master."

Zalphon nodded, with a grin, as he cracked open the egg and started to scoop out the yolk. He thought while he ate, "Not bad for an argonian."
He went upstairs and suited up in his polished steel armor, and told Quick-Strike, "Have this house spotless by time I get back at dusk, or you'll rue the day you disobey me!"

Quick-Strike nodded hastily. Zalphon walked out the door to Balmora, and started walking to the Temple for his morning prayers. As he walked he began to wonder, "The dreams I have been having the past few weeks, of the Tribunal slaughtering St. Nerevar, if this is true, then I must speak with Vivec immediately."

Finally he reached the door and entered, he was quickly greeted by one of the layman and he told them politely, "Please, excuse me, Layman, I am a House Brother of House Redoran and Curate of the Temple, and must get to a shrine of the Tribunal to pray on this morning."

The Layman nodded and told him, "Sorry, I didn't mean to be a bother, I just wanted to greet you, Brother Dunmer."

Zalphon grinned and said to the young layman, "It is not a problem, Sera."

He finally managed to reach the triangular shrines of the Temple and began to pray. However, during his prayers he had a vision once more.

Lord Voryn Dagoth said to Lord Nerevar Indoril, "Brother, stop, you made me swear to defend this!"

Nerevar drew his flaming blade and slashed at Dagoth, he then barked, "You will die, Fetcher!"

Nerevar plunged his blade into Voryn's chest and turned around, to find his mistress, Almalexia, his advisor, Sotha Sil, and his companion, Vivec, waiting with weapons drawn.

Vivec hissed, "We shall be gods, as you fall!"

Suddenly Vivec, Sotha Sil, and Almalexia attacked, then the vision ended...

Zalphon stood up and walked out of the temple. [i]He wiped the sweat off his forehead and thought, "I must travel to Vivec, to speak to Archcanon Saryoni."

I like it so far Zalphon. I can see a huge improvement in you writing as well. The one line dialog is gone, and I can form a picture of what the characters are doing.

Is the dialogue believeable?

I feel like the dialogue with Zalphon and his slave are the best

Now that I am back in school (High School), my brain just need a jumpstart, so in the middle of the summer, if anyone has some jumper cables I can hook up to my brain, that'd be great

First off, your dialogue is much, much better. Whatever you're doing, keep doing it. :goodjob:

You've also been fairly good so far with conveying character more subtly. The mention of a kwama egg (not kwarma... make sure to double check these things!) tells us this is set in Morrowind, and the mention of a slave makes us conclude that he is a Dunmer, probably noble. This is an excellent manner of introduction. And even when you did give us the character's full name and title, you did it in dialogue, in a realistic circumstance. Brava! :foodndrink:

I have a couple issues with your mechanics. For example, you string your dialogue sentences together for some reason, making every snatch of dialogue into a run-on sentence, bereft of periods or pacing. This is something you didn't do before, so why did you start? Also, for thoughts, convention states that the attached tag should not be highlighted. So this...



...should be this...



You also make a bit of excessive use with your commas... but I think this is something that has been brought up before. Hopefully, the return to school will help you brush up on your grammar and punctuation; pay attention in English class, and don't be afraid to ask your teacher to look over a sample of your writing! I'm sure he or she would be happy to help.

I take it your last story has been dropped then? Alas. Well, let's hope you keep with this one. It is, after all, about the character you named your account after.

EDIT: Oh, and make sure you read up on as much Lore as possible here (The Imperial Library is best). Something about that vision sets my Lore alarm to ringing, as I'm pretty sure the official story involves poisoned implements. This is a time period stooped heavily in Lore, so definitely do your research!

Please comment...

Yes, the person I made it for stopped reading.

Zalphon headed over to his manor. When he entered he looked at Quick-Strike and explained, "Listen, Pondscum, I am letting you go free, as I have some buisness to do, if I see your face again, you will be right back here..."

The argonian nodded and told Zalphon, "Yes, Sera."

Zalphon walked over to the argonian with a key in his hands and inserted it into the keyhole; he then turned the key unlocking the shackles. He then told the argonian, "Get lost, Pondscum!"

Quick-Strike responded, "Alright, Zalphon."

Zalphon opened his netchleather bag and stuffed in basic supplies, drakes, bread, water, flin. He then thought, "I hope Lord Vivec isn't mad..." He walked over to his bed and pulled out a long, black, case. Zalphon pulled open the case and pulled out an ebony dai-katana with the words engraved on the blade, "The Tribunal's Blade".

He put the harnass on his torso and put the dai-katana on his back. Zalphon exitted the manor and stared at the city of Balmora... His home, his land, his memories all were here, but now he had buisness to take care of, with Vivec, Almalexia, and Sotha Sil. He had a glum look on his face as he walked across the bridge over the Odai River. A Hlaalu guard said to him quickly, "What is wrong, Citizen."

Zalphon shook his head and told the guard, "Leave me, Hlaalu..."

The guard said in a deep, raspy voice, much like Zalphon's, "Fine"

Zalphon managed to walk over to the silt-strider master and explained, "I am going to Vivec..."

The silt-strider master responded, "When the moon is present we take off..."

He handed the silt-strider master a bag of fifty drakes and said, "We leave now."

The man replied, "Alright..."

Zalphon crawled into the shell of the Silt Strider and thought irritatedly, "I always hated these beasts, but now I wait..."

I'm pleased to see you have another story going. :goodjob:

I'll leave most of the critique to Sparrow for two reasons.
1. She is so darn good at it.
2. I know nothing of Morrowind (OB only for me).

Most likely as a result of my lack of MW knowledge, the vision involved people that I knew nothing about. I had no clue who any of them were or why they were fighting. Therefore my reaction was not anticipation of learning more or of suspense, but frustration. Again, probably related to no MW knowledge.

Edit: This only applies to your first story. Your second one went up as I was posting.

First of all, it's only been half an hour. Don't be impatient on forums.

Secondly, I first want to point out that yes, you have improved, but I must also be blunt: you still have much improving to do. If I had not seen your earlier works, I would probably be a little more harsh, but as it is I have a better feel for where you stand.

On to the actual critique: I won't bore you with specific details; a cursory revision of your story- with our comments in mind- should be enough. So, I'll point out areas you need to work on, and if you need more detailed help, just drop me a pm

The details have improved; you begin by telling us what he is smelling, and the pace has slowed down considerably (which is good). However, both these deserve a good look; they are two of the most important things in conveying a scene to the reader, and two things you started off very weak in. A small example: instead of saying "The sun had risen", tell us how your character knows. I know it is third person, but something like this can still work "As Zalphon rose from the covers of his bed, he smiled at the sunlight streaming through his open window."

Next, you mentioned the dialogue: yes, it has improved and, compared to your past stories, it is believable. But looking at it without any knowledge of you, I have to be honest, it can still improve quite a bit. I think I can summarize most of my thoughts into a few broad categories, so I'll take those one at a time.

First, don't specify every little detail. Yes, description is good-- in narration. In dialogue, you have to keep things flowing like one would say them. For example, you can get rid of the crossed out words without creating confusion: "Please, excuse me, Layman, I am a House Brother of House Redoran and Curate of the Temple, and must get to a shrine of the Tribunal to pray on this morning." In fact, you can probably take out even more without causing problems. Trust me, there are much better ways to introduce his status, and if this guy works there, shouldn't he know the Curate?

Second is something I always have trouble with, giving your characters unique speaking patterns. Not everyone talks the same; not even members of the same race. Your slave didn't get much dialogue, but if he did, Argonians are probably the most fun to play with their dialogue. You don't see it so much anymore, but really good RPers would (when they played Argonian or Khajiit characters) change the words around and whatnot to give them that unique speech the game does. For example, khajiit tend to use the word "prey" frequently; much to the surprise of uninformed men and mer. However, it can also be more subtle: strong and stupid guys can change your to yer, smart guys can use really big and fancy words, and- something you already used- certain races have words unique to them (Muthsera).

The last thing is more of a personal qualm: I view the Tribunal as awesome gods, and if you portray them any less amazing then I see them I instantly have a problem with your story. For a lot of people, awesome tends to translate into being vague, aloof, intelligent, and generally infallible. This also means that their dialogue has to have a certain flowery, poetic nature to it, with just enough vague insinuations that we hardly even know what they said. "We shall be gods as you fall!" somehow doesn't sound poetic or vague. We all know what happened with Vivec and them, you don't have to reiterate it to us. Simply having them be silent, or something along the lines of "Goodbye Nerevar..."

Alright, I have said a lot already, so I'm almost done. One last thing: mechanics. Both in your word choice and punctuation you sound a little awkward. It doesn't read like it should, the plot idea is just too good to sound like that All I can say for this is to pay attention in Lit and read a lot of good novels. Other than that, just keep practicing.

Even though you have a ways to go, you have really come far already. Don't ever give up writing, and you will inevitably become an excellent author someday. Thanks for sticking with it, and keep up the good work :goodjob:




:o Never write a story for someone else! Write only for you, because you wanted to write. Blasphemy!

Yes Acadian, that is your beef Dagoth I can understand not knowing, but you have to know how Vivec and his crew killed Lord Nerevar and then used the HoL to achieve godhood. That is just something you learn upon registering here

I concur wholeheartedly with Sparrow's critique- as seems to be her wont. Listen to her about mechanics before me, most definitely.

EDIT: Ah, you posted again Oh well, back to work. I did broad topics last time, so this time I'll go for more specific things.

Why let the slave go? I don't get your logic; it's not like he would run away if left alone. Ah, the Argonian still has frustratingly unconvincing dialogue. Shouldn't he be happy, in disbelief, or something? Just a "Yes, sir." seems kind of low key for a freed slave. Besides, no one frees slaves. If you are doing it to make us like the guy more, don't bother. We all know Dunmer have slaves, we won't criticize your character for it.

As I suspected, your characters are still far too uber. Uber is boring; weak characters are better ninety percent of the time. How can one go through conflict while being a high ranking Tribunal and Redoran walking around with a Dai Katana?

Two more things, then I go to bed: describe facial expressions and body language more, and slow down. The point of a story is not to finish the plot in as few words as possible, but to connect your readers to the protagonist and keep them entertained with suspense, descriptions, and even humor. Don't worry about the story- that will come in time- focus on the now. The best way to do that is to be descriptive of the scene, your characters, and in thoughts and dialogue. Be careful though, there is a point where descriptions can be over used.

Thanks again :goodjob:

Darkom, our Oblivionites, don't know much about the tribunal. And I too, view them as amazing gods, but they CAN be killed, and I will not portray them as the following "A god of infinite power that cannot die ever, no matter what..." I will portray them as living gods, like they are, and they will not have ANY combat scenes, I assure you. They will be strictly dialogue, as I have no desire to introduce 3 rambos into my story.

Edit: And Darkom, argonians don't show emotion

Of course, I didn't mean to make them uber I simply meant to make them more mysterious and meeting our expectations of the Tribunal. No matter what one says, they had power (Vivec had CHIM, for crying out loud), especially before the events of Morrowind. However, I do change my mind on one thing: they were not yet gods in that "dream", merely very powerful mortals. Thus, it is acceptable to dim them down a bit (not too much, mind you).

If I had a nickel for everyone on here that knows the Morrowind plot line inside and out, I could buy another copy of Morrowind Very rare is the Oblivion forummite that has never played Morrowind. Apparently the only one so far is Acadian

Eehee... I feel like Darkom is taking over my position as the ridiculously long critiquer.

Also, I noticed that, in my last post, I said "stooped" instead of "steeped," and "highlighted" instead of "italicized." I fail as a person. :ahhh:

I find I rarely need to go in-depth with you, Zalphon, despite what Acadian apparently expects; everyone else always seems to be willing to critique your stuff, and far more harshly than I'm willing to be, considering how new you are to writing. I'm such a girl.

But I will reiterate something that was brought up in your last thread (I believe by Bmont?): dialogue tags.

The following is a full conversation... it's short, as far as conversations go, but complete. I've taken the liberty of bolding all the dialogue-tag-related verb phrases.



Don't get me wrong... dialogue tags are not bad. They're useful at the start of a conversation, or when speakers switch. But when you have a tag on every single line, it makes things clunky and repetative. Below, I've erased the unnecessary tags to help things run more smoothly, and added a couple comments.



And remember to study up on your grammar and punctuation. Right now, your stuff is still pretty difficult for me to get through because of all the errors. I'm not going to go through them all... but I suggest you seriously consider commiting yourself to learning proper punctuation and grammar. Right now, I'm operating off the hope that time will help you iron out all those mechanical errors.

I'll still critique like you wanted me to, Z, but I believe I'll still be outperformed by Dark and Sparrow.

Is there anything you're looking for in particular when it comes to feedback?

:embarass: Wow... BS, you ever thought of being an english teacher? You're brutal on the grammar and punctuation, you'd be great in college...

Also BS, am I at least improving?

Yes, I'd say so, and I think most of us here would agree. You're definitely giving us your best, and that's all we can ever ask.

Learning to write is as much about time and practice as much as it is about raw skill... if not more. It takes months to develop, and years to become truly comfortable with. Heck, I've been writing longer than some of the people on this forum have been alive.

Zalphon waited patiently in the cramped shell. He seen a young, girl, of dunmeri origin as well, probably not older than seventeen years of age. He gently asked her, "Are you okay?"

The girl responded, "Huh, are you speaking to me?"

Zalphon nodded, "Yes."

The girl crawled over, "Listen, I don't have any drakes alright, I am going to a man named Crassius Curio's house, I will serve as a maid for him."

Zalphon asked the girl, "You sure you want to serve that self-rightous, kwama-licking, nix-hound?"

She replied reluctantly, "I don't, but I have nowhere else to go..."

He let out a deep sigh, "I could use a companion."

The girl smiled, "Really, are you sure you want me? I well used to work at Desele's House of Earthly Delights, you have to make money somehow."

Zalphon bobbed his head in a nod and asked the girl after a moment, "What is your name?"

The girl grinned and told him, "Raven"

Zalphon looked around the cramped shell and told her, "Well, Raven, stay with me and we can find you a home."

The girl nodded in approval.

Zalphon stared at the young, girl, she had a torn blouse, an old, patched, skirt, and no shoes, if she was to be seen with him, she'd need some new clothes. He told her with a smile, "We're getting you some new clothes..."

Raven rose a brow, "Oh, new clothes? Are you sure? I can't afford them. Besides once I get to Crassius' Manor, I won't be wearing my clothes, he says thats how all his housekeepers work."

Zalphon could barely contain his temper, "Don't worry about that rat anymore..."

Suddenly the silt-strider came to a stop. Zalphon crawled out of the shell of the silt-strider and was filled with joy to see the city of Vivec. Raven crawled out slowly and seen the massive city of Vivec, she stood with her jaw dropped for several moments until Zalphon said, "Lets go."

They started to walk into the giant, metropolis, called Vivec...

edit: Sorry for mostly dialogue, in a silt-strider I can either skip it or use it to add a character that will be added now or later...

Outperformed by me Impossible; though I am flattered :touched:


That one made me laugh; you know she's an English major, right?



Definitely longer than me, but I haven't improved much since I first started. (I'm trying really hard to stay modest here My tiredness is making me lose all self control as to the dignity of what I type)


Well, I always suggest editing your last chapter before writing a new one, but that works too. Well, I'll skip over those dastardly mechanics and little things for my betters, and instead focus on your plot now. Everything I said in my last post still applies to this story, but you can't expect to fix all that in one day.

So far, all we know is that Zalphon has been having visions relating to Nerevar and possibly the Nerevarine. He is an avid follower of Vivec, and based on what we know of the Morrowind plotline, we can safely assume that the whole idea is to avoid the Nerevarine situation all together. He departs from his city of Balmora for the nearby Vivec, freeing his slave as he goes. He then meets a young girl on the silt strider who he so gregariously allows to be his companion. Those are the events so far and, I must say, they are not bad in theory. However, what is lacking is a sense of coincidence. Every story I read of yours, the main character seems to magically always be in the right place at the right time. I can almost predict what will happen next based on cliches and the overarching goal of the story.

Plot can be a tricky business, but remember the main focus: charecterization. Conflict's goal is to change the protagonist in a way that helps him face his ultimate antagonist, and at the same time reveals him to us as a person. My favorite example is the first new Batman movie (Batman Begins; the one with Scarecrow). He starts out as a normal rich kid; the blank slate that we know nothing about. Then, he gets a weakness in his falling down that well; that made us connect to Bruce. His parents are killed, giving him a overall goal- fighting crime. He then goes off to some remote place and gets thrown in jail, another flaw; no one likes a perfect character. He then meets a better in the form of that old ninja guy, and grows as a character while we connect to him more. Then when he goes home he is humanized from the ninja warrior he became, meeting a girl and his famous butler and being nice. He then gets his batsuit and the main conflict begins.

Right now, Zalphon (your character) hasn't gotten his batsuit yet. In fact, he should just now be heading out to the ninja camp, his visions a kind of old ninja guy to guide him. However, your character is not the same in that he is a little uber so far (not as bad as before though). You can still have a good story without all these elements, or in a different order, but the principle for good storytelling is the same. Start with a weak character that has an overall purpose (usually not finding out what the end conflic will be until about half way through, though), then continously humanize him while preparing him and making him stronger with conflict. Add more characters and keep developing his personality and then you can start the real story. Then, and only then, can Scarecrow come into the story as a bad guy.

But enough about that, plot is an unexact science as it is without me fogging up the lenses. A consistent theme with your writing seems to be unrealistic or rapidly changing characters. What I mean is that Quick-Strik reacts with zero emotion and Raven reacts with too much of the wrong emotion. Slaves aren't stoic when you let them go; the general idea is that they are either bitter at their master or crying tears of joy to finally be free. Random homeless girls aren't overjoyed to find a random Dunmer in a silt strider that will take them in; I would probably be kind of suspicious of a stranger that looks like the type of person that has oppressed me all my life. In fact, I would probably be cold and angry with him, and my lot in life. I'm not going to go gallavanting off with him just because the alternative is being a pseudo-[censored]. From what I hear she is used to that, and people don't tend to like changes in their lifestyle, even if we see it as one for the better.

Just keep in mind that each and every person in your literary world has a history, a background, and a full complement of emotions, hopes, and fears that go along with it. As it is, each of your character is flat; they don't even fit the agreed upon stereotypes of their social status. Think about what you yourself would do in their situation; put yourself in their shoes. Be it your protagonist: a Dunmer noble, high ranking member of both a Great House and the Temple, and a long time slave owner; or another supporting character: a poor, homeless seventeen year old girl that has worked in a disreputable establishment for a very long time, on her way to work for a creepy perverted old guy who is going to make her work naked. She has obviously come to terms with that, and would now be subconciously set on that. Anything else seems like less to her right now (weird, isn't it? Pshychology can do that to you)

All I'm saying is to pay attention to how real authors do it. Think long and hard about all the events in a novel, and how they all seem to fit so perfectly together. Think about how much you care whether Harry Potter lives or dies, and why you do. Most of all, look back at your writing and see how it is different, what can be changed in it. I read every book I pick up twice; once for the story and feel, and the second to examine it like a frog on a science table. I pick and pull at all the different parts, occasionally looking at my textbook (the internet) for advice. It helps, trust me

Thanks for writing, and keep it up :goodjob:


Oh my, it is 2:20 a.m. I really have to get some sleep :snoring:


EDIT: Oh, something I left out. Meeting new people isn't "Oh, I could use a companion." Walk into school one day and try to pick up a chick like that. It doesn't work, and your character isn't stupid enough to try it. Be subtle; offer her to come along if you like, explain where you are going. Make small talk; let her see that you aren't an evil Dunmer that owns slaves and has a huge katana strapped to his back (by the way, I don't like how you keep making him nicer and nicer. Either start out with a nice guy or make him slowly nicer. Again, whole point of conflict is to change the character, in this case making him less of a stereotypical dunmer and more humanized)

Another thing, write more for each chapter. I know writing five pages per post can get tedious, but the rate you are going now feels unrealistic and kind of boring. We fast forward through scenes without hearing what Zalphon has to say on the matter, without knowing what the place looks like, without hearing Zalphon's worries or doubts, etc. The only thing present, really, is the dialogue with dialogue tags and simple narration. I know dialogue is fun, but stories are only about twenty percent dialogue at most. Describe, describe, describe

(Disclaimer: In no way, shape or form do I consider myself a literary genius. I'm an aspiring English teacher/writer, so take what I say with a grain of salt. It may not be true.)

I'm going to try something new. I'm going to split my critique into sections as following: Flow/Plot, Characters, Dialogue, General. It may not work, but I thought I'd try, since I have a horrible habit of rambling without saying anything useful. If you don't like this form of critique just let me know. I'm just trying to be more organized and precise.

Flow/Plot: I like the premises of the plot. It seems interesting. The Tribunal is an interesting group. Vivec will be a hard character to write, but I'm looking forward to seeing how you develop him in your story. I have a problem with the flow, however. Everything seems to be happening too fast. It's like a dream, really. In a dream, many things happen and they happen very fast. So fast that details are left out. That's how the story reads thus far. Many things happening, but not enough detail.

Characters: The characters have all fallen flat to me, honestly. From the protagonist all the way down to this Raven girl. What disappoints me most is Quick-Strike. You had a brilliant chance to create a magnificent scene with Quick-Strike and Zalphon. Instead, everything reads... somewhat robotic, I think (but I'll get to that later when I talk about dialogue). Zalphon treats Quick-Strike like utter crap... but why? I can infer that he's mean to him because the slave is a slave and slaves are supposed to be treated bad. But that's all generic. I don't care if he treats the Argonian like crap, but at least explain why. Does he have a hatred for lizards in particular? Did Quick-Strike do something really bad? Never assume your readers will assume, because that's bad. Don't rely on cliches and generics telling the tale. You're the author.

As for the Hlaalu Guard and the layman at the Temple, they failed. They had no roles at all. Just filler, and filler isn't good. Perhaps the layman could have recognized Zalphon and asked him some questions. Perhaps the Guard noticed something suspicious about Zalphon and went to ask him about it. I'm just throwing random, uninteresting plot developments, but you get the point. Those two characters are pretty much a waste. If you ever go back to Balmora, however, the layman character can be saved (as can the Hlaalu guard, really, if that's what you want).

Something I do when writing a story (or, rather, I do on my current project), is I make a character sheet almost identical to an RP Character Sheet. I list their names, what they look like, their occupation, how they act, how they talk, their hobbies, their friends, their enemies, where they live, what makes them tick, what they like, what they don't like, etc, etc. When you do this, it helps create a more unique and interesting character.

I realize that makes the story progress much slower, but hey..... writing is like chili. You have to let it simmer if you want it to be great

Narration:

The grammar and sentence structure was rather weak for the most part. There were too many comma splices (Really, there shouldn't be any at all unless a character rambles on and on and on, and other exceptions as well), grammar mistakes/typos throughout. And the whole narration feels so... lifeless. It's like "character does this, goes there, meets him/her, says this, goes here, does this...." It's all very boring, to be honest with you. Again, you're not giving us any details. There's no life to your voice at all. One of the keys to a successful and interesting story is narration that makes a reader want to read. The narration of the story is very rough, and awfully hard to read sometimes. Is English your first language?

Also, here's an example of a bad sentence:


This is one sentence with two different thoughts (three, really, but just bare with me for a second). "Zalphon awoke in his home" should be one sentence. Then, "The hour was early morning, but the sun had arisen," should be its own sentence (and I would add "already" before "arisen," as it does a better job of explaining why you continued that particular sentence to say the sun had arisen. I know that's not worded very well. I apologize). Also, in the second sentence you don't even really need that comma at all.

The story had more than a few sentences like this. Do you understand what I'm saying?


Dialogue:

The dialogue turned me off. Sorry. It all felt robotic, and with like everything else, there was no life. There wasn't any energy with the characters. They simply said what was to be said and that was it. It read very boring, and there was no way to tell one character from the other. They all sounded the same (with perhaps the exception of Raven... maybe).

You asked someone if the dialogue was believable and they said yes, especially with Zalphon and Quick-Strike. I say no, especially with Zalphon and Quick-Strike. You had a chance to create a truly wonderful and emotional scene when Quick-Strike was freed. I could picture tears, shock, thankfulness, irritation.... all sorts of emotion. But no. You had the lizard say thank you and that was that. It felt very dead to me and it almost made me cry.

General (a little bit of everything I haven't yet covered):


Periods, commas, question marks, etc go inside the quotation mark.


He saw. I won't anolyze every single grammar mistake (because, unfortunately, there are more than a few), but I felt this one needed to be pointed out.


I was going to ask you if you knew that Curio was homosixual, but then I realized he could actually be bisixual instead, so I won't ask you.


As I said, I'm enjoying the plot to the story. It has the potential to be very interesting. You just need to sharpen your skills in other areas, that's all. And unlike the others who are critiquing your work, I don't have a good feel for your past writing, so unfortunately I'm not able to make comparisons and I'm not able to say whether or not you're improving. I will say that the chapters aren't improving. However, you have an opportunity with the arrival of this Raven girl. Take advantage of it.

You told me to be as hard as I wanted to be. If this is too hard, just tell me. Sometimes I have a habit of getting carried away with my critiques. Just ask Sparrow, for she called me out on it (thankfully) one day. I can't help it. It's just my love for editing and helping others.

Holy crap Zalphon, you're getting massive reviews all over the place. Are you paying people? :jammasterjay:

Shhh, you're not supposed to tell anyone.

I am going to pause my fanfiction writing on this forum, for now FYI.

.... What? Then why did you have me critique it? Oh well. Good luck with whatever you do.

You seem a little quick to start and stop stories. Maybe move through them at a slower pace?