The True Story of Alaska

Post » Fri Apr 16, 2010 3:06 am

Rick huddled around the small fire, trying not to freeze his [censored] off.

"I don't know why these Crimson Dragoons just come kill us at midnight" a rookie said. Rick coulden't tell if he was joking, or if he was worried.

Rick responded saying they must have some respect, but he really didn't know.

Another soldier sat down complaining about the crappy flashlights they have. Rick had never thought about it, but flashlights were the least of his worries in this hell hole.

A bang rang out and Rick jumped up and brought up his gun, looking for the enemy.

A couple of veterns laughed histerically, and Rick knew his mistake. It was a soldier at the firing range, probibly a Power Armor soldier.

"Your gonna be dead in the feild if you can't tell an Assult rifle from that Chinese Crap" Don Nevertin said.

Rick sat down embarresed. His buddy Ridge came up next to him, looking like he almost saw eternal patrol.

" I can't beileve some of these Commie Basterd's." Ridge said looking at Rick.

" All soldiers please return to the barrack's except for the ones on patrol" The loud speaker roared.

Rick and Ridge relucently returned to the barrack's, leaving the warmth of the fire.

Sorry for posting a tad dull post, I just need to start this off. Constructive Critisism is welcomed :)
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Dan Scott
 
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Post » Fri Apr 16, 2010 4:47 am

A bit short, not sure why you've used single sentence paragraphs. All paragraphs are 3 or more sentences in length. More detail would be good, and of course stretch it out.
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Joey Avelar
 
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Post » Fri Apr 16, 2010 1:37 am

A bit short, not sure why you've used single sentence paragraphs. All paragraphs are 3 or more sentences in length. More detail would be good, and of course stretch it out.

Thanks I'll do paragraphs next, and there will be more detail, I just need to get it going.
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joseluis perez
 
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Post » Fri Apr 16, 2010 7:40 am

To short and just dull, perhaps compound it some more. And describe everything.

"Rick huddled around the small fire, trying not to freeze his [censored] off."

Rick huddled tightly around the small dying fire, trying to get as much warmth from the dying embers as he could, it wasnt helping. He kept trying without success not to freeze his fingers off.
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Emily Shackleton
 
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