Good story, but there were a number a grammatical errors and oddities I noticed throughout the story. I'll quickly run through the first few paragraphs of the most recent chapter, and point out some of the errors.

The opening sentence of the most recent chapter runs on for a little too long, and should be split into two distinct chapters, with the first ending after "asleep". At the end of that sentance, "into" should be simply "in", and the word "slightest" should be removed. Also, there is no full stop at the end of that paragraph.

The second paragraph is grammatically better, but still not perfect. "Asked to" should just be "asked" in the first sentence. There should be a comma instead of a period at the end of the dialogue line "It was horrible at first" - this is done because "He started." does not work as a sentence on its own.

The third chapter has no significant errors, although I'd advise against entire paragraphs of dialogue when possible.

Once again, there should be a comma and not a period after dialogue which bridges into any variation of "he said" - you've done this several times in the fourth paragraph. Also, there should probably be a comma after "he answered" - it improves the flow of the sentence. Same deal after "Marc shouted" - add a comma.



I hope that might help you improve your writing in some way

SWEET

cant wait for the next chapter