The Virus of Life and Death

Post » Tue Oct 26, 2010 4:10 am

The Virus of Life and Death

Prologue

It was a clear night.
The stars stood sparkling at the sky as if trouble was far to be found.
But things were not as they seemed.
A small house made of old plates of metal and car parts was standing on a highway bridge far above a green river.
In the house three persons sat around a table, all frightened, all breathing heavily.
They were running for their lives.

The house was built sturdy, but it looked like it could fall off the edge any moment.
It was built to keep people outside, which was just the reason why the three persons seek their refuge there.
Inside the house it looked like there hadn’t lived anything but radroaches for years.
It had a simple set up; a refrigerator in the corner, a bed in the opposite corner, a couch next to the entrance and a generator next to the entrance.
The men sat around a small round table in the middle of the room thinking about their options, a light shimmering above their heads.

All three of them were ghouls and all three of them were brothers.
The oldest brother was a large man. He wore sand brown combat armor, and was wearing an old black cap.
His looks were even worse than those of the usual ghoul, his size didn’t help that.
The dimmed light accentuated the scars on his face, which were many.
With his rifle leaning at the side of his chair, the oldest brother started talking.

“We need a plan and we need it fast, or these guys will find us and take us down without mercy.”
None of the two other men said anything.
“John,” The youngest replied. “Why do you always want to run away? We’re good where we are and odds are they’re never going to find us here.”
John looked Marc right in the eyes, disagreeing without saying a word.
Marc’s appearance was, opposite to that of John, quite good for a ghoul.

He wore a black business suit with matching glasses.
On top of his face he had neatly combed blonde hair, which was obviously a wig, as ghouls normally don’t have much hair left.
It was clear that he paid much attention to his appearance.
His head turned over to the third brother, who was looking at an old Nuka Cola truck toy, standing in the middle of the table.

“What do you say, Gerard?” Marc asked him leaning over the table in order to get a glimpse of his eyes.
“Isn’t it strange that, in a world like this everything fades, but yet the red colour of the truck seems to shine as if it were just painted?”
Marc looked at Gerard astounded. The third brother still did not answer the question.
He looked untidy, wearing leather armor that had seen better days.
A tool belt strapped around his waist was so stacked with tools that it had to be reinforced with a pair of suspenders.
He had a few scars and the peeled skin looked worse than that of the other two, but looks didn’t seem to matter to him that much.

John was getting angry now and slammed his fists on the table.
“I said: we need a PLAN!”
Marc and Gerard stood up out of shock, leaving the chairs falling behind them.
“I- I don’t know,” Gerard replied conserved. “Maybe we should stay here for a while.”
Marc nodded agreeably. “See, I told you, we’d be best off just hiding here for a while.”
This had gotten John even angrier.

“If you remember, we’re in a hurry here.”
Gerard looked at the vial held in John’s hands.
It contained the very thing that could wipe the entire Ghoul population off the surface.
“You’re right.” He answered. “The best thing to do now is to leave this house.
It’s too much in the open and if they find us, we’ll be trapped like ants in a Vulcan.”
“Ants in a vulcan?” Marc replied “does that make any sence?”

A sudden knock on the door froze the three brothers instantly.
As the three looked towards the entrance, a low voice sounded from the outside.
“Found you!” a man said laughingly. “Come out and we’ll spare your lives.”
“Wait, scratch that. We’ll make your deaths less painful.”

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Rachell Katherine
 
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Post » Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:25 pm

Deep problems

John, Marc and Gerard looked at each other.
“How many do you think?” John asked with his voice lowered.
“Five, at least.” Marc whispered back.
Gerard was looking as absent as ever.
“We’re trapped in here.” He said with fear in his voice. “We’re going to die and there’s nothing that we can do.”
The voice outside laughed. “I’m giving you fellas one minute, than it’s barbeque time.”

The voices now roared with laughter and John walked up to Gerard to slap him in the face.
“You hear that?” he whispered. “You got some serious problems, you know that?
Maybe even bigger problems than your little brother here.”
Gerard looked up and tried to respond but John had him beaten.
“Maybe I need to make clear once more that we need a p-l-a-n.”

Marc walked around to the back of the cottage. “Well, we’ve got the back door.”
He dragged the fridge out of the way to reveal an old small exit behind it.
“What?” John replied astounded. “Why didn’t you tell this?”
“Well, it was a perfect exit when the highway was still intact.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s kind of a long way down from here.” Marc responded.

John stuck his head out of the small doorway and looked directly thirty metres down.
You could still see pieces of highway on the bottom of the river below.
“How deep is it?” John asked.
Marc looked at him. “You’re not thinking of jumping are you?”
“What other options do we have?” responded slowly.

“Times up!” The man outside suddenly interrupted.
The brothers all turned to the door in an instant, weapons at the ready.
“Yes,” The enclave man said. “Yes, we could just slam the door in and start firing away.
But that could cost me the lives of some damn good soldiers.
So I think I’ll just burn the cottage down and save me a lot of trouble.”

John looked at his brothers. “No other options now.” He said.
“You guys jump and I’ll follow.”
The brothers followed Johns lead and crawled to the back exit.
An enclave soldier lit his flamethrower and started to set the front of the cottage in fire, whistling a tune during the job.
“I heard you zombies burn good.” He song. “Just like zombies should!”

Marc jumped first, grabbing his legs as he fell down to the river.
The sound of the flamethrower muffled his hard hit on the water.
The flames were already coming trough the wall as Gerard made ready to jump.
He hesitated a little but John pushed him out without a warning.
The sounds of the enclave soldiers were harsh to say the least.

“I wonder how zombie tastes.” A soldier said.
“I bet it’s crispy!” another roared.
John didn’t pay attention to the comments, but waited until the flamethrower soldier stood directly towards the old generator.
He aimed his rifle at the generator, pulled the trigger and let himself fall down into the river.

The blast of the generator covered John’s fall and distracted the soldiers.
The water hit hard but also made him feel alive more than ever.
Gerard and Marc were already on the side of the river, trying to get John’s attention.
As John got to the side, he checked his pocket. The vial was still intact.
Morning almost came and the brothers ran as fast as they could from the scene of the crime.

Looking back, they could still see the small cottage going up in flames.
“I’ve lived there for five years.” Marc said with difficulty.
Gerard looked at him and threw his arm around Marc’s shoulders.
“Like I said: Like ants in a vulcan.”

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Kim Bradley
 
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Post » Tue Oct 26, 2010 6:19 am

Really nice chapter man. I cant wait for the next one. But one question. Was the Enclave squad that burned down their house like cannibals or something?
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Greg Swan
 
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Post » Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:33 pm

Another good FanFic Lavanoth. I look forward to the rest of it. And I know what you mean about the comments thing, I hate not getting any, it makes me feel as if no one's reading it. And I really want criticism to be honest, :P.

I doubt they were cannibals, Joseph, I just assume it's taunting, although it does seem that way, lol.
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Alyesha Neufeld
 
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Post » Tue Oct 26, 2010 9:24 am

Somewhat interesting, try fleshing out the brothers differences more. Also in the prologue I couldn't tell if it was past or present tense. Oh yeah and how did the house burn if it was made of metal scraps and car parts?
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Jessie
 
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Post » Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:31 pm

I enjoyed it, like all of your stories!
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Richard Thompson
 
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Post » Tue Oct 26, 2010 9:12 am

Thanks guys! This encourages me to write more and most importantly: better :)

Really nice chapter man. I cant wait for the next one. But one question. Was the Enclave squad that burned down their house like cannibals or something?

No, they were just beeing sarcastic [censored]es

Somewhat interesting, try fleshing out the brothers differences more. Also in the prologue I couldn't tell if it was past or present tense. Oh yeah and how did the house burn if it was made of metal scraps and car parts?

-The differences will be fleshed out more in further chapters, in my opinion, if they were to disagree with everything already, it wouldn't make much for the main chapters. Also: enemies make friends harmonify (is that a real word? ...well it is now ;) )

-Can you point out which parts are written in present tense? I wrote it in past, I'll look for the mistakes.

-Yeah, it wouldn't burn that good, but car parts are also tires and painted metal, which burns and gives terrible bad black smoke. Plus flamethrowers us a type of gas which still keeps burning a bit after firing (like you sometimes see flamethrowers drip flames a bit)
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Emilie Joseph
 
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Post » Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:08 pm

Don't start a new paragraph after every sentence. You're telling me what is happening, I want you to show me. The man in the combat armor, was it dirty, clean, white, tan? How much hair does each brother have? What color is it? How old are they each?
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Cathrine Jack
 
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Post » Tue Oct 26, 2010 1:37 am

Don't start a new paragraph after every sentence. You're telling me what is happening, I want you to show me. The man in the combat armor, was it dirty, clean, white, tan? How much hair does each brother have? What color is it? How old are they each?

I'm sorry Zalphon, but I have to disagree on the paragraph thing, thanks for the criticism though.
The paragraph thing is just my style of writing. In my opinion, it reads better this way on a computer screen.
I always tend to get lost in a story when it's a giant wall of text with only a few open spaces.

I already tried to detail the environment, but sometimes I tend to forget it a bit. I'll try to detail things out some more.
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Tamara Primo
 
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Post » Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:57 pm

I'm sorry Zalphon, but I have to disagree on the paragraph thing, thanks for the criticism though.
The paragraph thing is just my style of writing. In my opinion, it reads better this way on a computer screen.
I always tend to get lost in a story when it's a giant wall of text with only a few open spaces.

I already tried to detail the environment, but sometimes I tend to forget it a bit. I'll try to detail things out some more.


Don't worry, Lav. We all start somewhere.
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Leah
 
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Post » Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:06 pm

Chickens

"So, what do we do now?" Gerard asked while tightening his suspenders.
Marc rubbed his stomach. "I'd do for some Salisbury Steak!"
"?Or a bit of Yao Guai meat!" John shouted while pointing towards a suspiciously hairy looking rock.
"Nah, too tough for me. I'd rather have a bit of fast food." Marc replied without noticing the sleeping Yao Guai.
Gerard and John quickly drawn their guns and started aiming for the beast lying only a few feet from Marc.

"What, what did I say?"
Gerard and John pulled their triggers and emptied their magazines in the Yao Guai, making sure it was dead before it could do anything back.
The beast didn't even make a sound, but wobbled a bit when the bullets entered the body.
Marc didn't know what just happened and gave out a shout while jumping to the side.
"Sometimes I wonder how you could ever be my brother." John said to Marc as he walked towards the Yao Guai, making sure it was dead.

Marc pretended he didn't hear that and walked up to the dead creature.
"Think we can eat that?"
"Not without a fire." John responded. "And I think making one is bit irresponsible at the moment, as those damn enclave bastards are still not to far away."
"Talking about them, isn't it a good idea to get out of here, after making all this racket?" Gerard added.

"Good idea." John said as he cut off the beasts arms.
Marc looked at the scene with widened eyes. "What the hell are you doing?"
"You'd rather have the legs?"
"Well?I?No thank you?"

As Gerard kept an eye at the back, John walked ahead with both Yao Guai arms bungling over his shoulders.
Marc pointed out to a deserted looking shack. "How about there?"
The rocky terrain covered it a bit, but it was still very clear in sight.
John shook his head and passed the lonesome shack without giving it another look.
Marc sighed. "How long before we can find a place that meets your standards? We've been walking for hours!"

John turned around and stopped.
"Unlike you, I didn't spend the last four years hiding away in the middle of nowhere."
Marc startled a bit. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Everything!" John shouted as he threw the Yao Guai arms on the ground.
"Underworld* isn't what it was, Marc. Raiders found out about it and they've been attacking the place week after week."

Gerard tried to hush the two by signalling to keep on moving, but John didn't stop.
"If you'd try to think for a bit, we'd be sitting ducks in that shack, just like we did on that highway."
"I'm just trying to help you know!" Marc replied with emotion. "At least I do something, unlike Gerard."
"Whoa, wait right there," Gerard interrupted. "I've got nothing to do with this in the first place, so keep me out of it."
John rubbed his forehead. "I'm sorry; it's just that I want to keep moving to Underworld. I don't know how long they can hold off without Gerard and me."

"It's all right," Marc replied. "Everyone's a bit tense lately and not without reason.
But we're at no use to Underworld if we get there all exhausted.
So let's find a good place to eat and sleep and we'll be fresh for the fight tomorrow."
But before Gerard and John could agree, shots came from behind the rocky terrain.
John and Gerard both picked up an arm and the three brothers ran in the direction of the fired shots.

Hiding behind a large boulder, they witnessed several raiders firing their guns on a travelling merchant and his dog.
"Marc, chicken routine, now!" John said as fast as he could.
Marc didn't move. "Is this about our argument just now?"
"No, you're the most agile and the worst shot. Now, come on, chicken routine!"

Marc gave a sigh and started running from behind the boulders in the direction of the raiders, clucking like a chicken.
The raiders stopped shooting and for a moment they looked at Marc, amazed about what just happened.
Gerard quickly drew his Sniper rifle and started shooting the raiders.
BANG! "One out!" BANG! "There goes another!"
John ran towards a closer spot as the four remaining raiders didn't know where to aim their guns.

Just before one of the raiders decided to fire at the clucking Marc, John shot him down with his Assault Rifle.
Gerard shot another down as even the merchant got one in the chest.
The last of the raiders panicked and fired his rifle wildly around him before making an attempt to run for it.
Just before he reached the top of the hill, Gerard shot him in the back.
He fell down and rolled over the hill beyond sight.

As John and Gerard walked down in the direction of the merchant who just gave his dog a snack for good behaviour.
Marc came limping and cursing towards them.
"What happened to you?" Gerard asked with an alarmed voice.
"Damn raider shot me in the leg, but its okay."
John looked at him. "Still got that Kevlar suit?"

Marc smiled and knocked his fist on his chest.
"The same old presidential full body armor."
"Amazing." Gerard replied. "You're lucky no-one knows, they'd kill you over it."
"Well, yeah," Marc hushed "So lets keep it that way."
The merchant joined the men and thanked them for saving him.

"I'd never expect help from ghouls." He said.
John looked at him with a frown. "What does that supposed to mean?"
"No... I didn't mean?" The merchant stuttered. "Say, you guys need a place to stay?"
Marc Nodded immediately and the brothers followed the merchant towards an old grocery shop in a small abandoned village.

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Pat RiMsey
 
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Post » Tue Oct 26, 2010 5:44 am

Pretty cool, it looks to be interesting, I couldn't really find anything big wrong with it. The chicken routine though kinda took away the seriousness of it though (not sure if that was what you wanted).
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Madeleine Rose Walsh
 
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Post » Mon Oct 25, 2010 9:30 pm

Don't start a new paragraph after every sentence. You're telling me what is happening, I want you to show me. The man in the combat armor, was it dirty, clean, white, tan? How much hair does each brother have? What color is it? How old are they each?


As he said, its his style of writing. Also, what you said about adding those bits of detail, sure it is nice to be able to picture this kind of detail with the setting and characters. However, it can get to the point where you begin adding pointless bits of detail. If you add too much detail (exact color of the armor and their hair) it takes away from the readers' imagination. When I was reading it, the armor was the regular tan like in the game with a few bullet holes, the brothers' hair was a simple dull brown color, and he also gave us an idea of how much hair they had as well as their age (not exact age but we don't need that info since they're ghouls).
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Kortknee Bell
 
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Post » Mon Oct 25, 2010 6:40 pm

Pretty cool, it looks to be interesting, I couldn't really find anything big wrong with it. The chicken routine though kinda took away the seriousness of it though (not sure if that was what you wanted).

Thanks RobCo, it was my intention to lighten it up a bit, or else it would be swallowed in the great void of depression.
They are brothers, they've got a long background history and my guess is, if you life for such a long time, you'll try to keep yourself entertained while surviving.

When I was reading it, the armor was the regular tan like in the game with a few bullet holes, the brothers' hair was a simple dull brown color, and he also gave us an idea of how much hair they had as well as their age (not exact age but we don't need that info since they're ghouls).

That's what I love bout it. I imagine the armor a bit different, but that makes the story your own. (that's why I hate watching movies of books I read. "that's not how I imagined it")
Though I understand Zalphon's criticism. I hope he still enjoys the story.
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Mrs Pooh
 
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Post » Tue Oct 26, 2010 9:16 am

Really enjoyed your writing and am looking forward to reading more.

I have been writing since about 1979 and can tell you that the whole balancing of description, narrative, dialogue and other facets of a story always remains difficult. In truth there is no perfect answers and people tend to be very subjective about their tastes. For example many people love the LORD OF THE RINGS triology but a fair few consider it far too over wordy with far too much description clogging it.

Trick is, and it is a difficult trick (which I forget myself at times) is to flow description in a supportive way with other elements in such a way as not to bog everything else down such as the pace of the story. One way, just a suggestion, is to combine action and description with dialogue such as:

Jim frowned as he reached forward, his dirty brown jacket brushing against the blood stained edges of the table top. He spoke in a drunken slur of an Irish accent. "I have never liked you Arnold but I don't want to see you die horribly, not even you.


As an opening this gives the character name along with some strong indicators of his environment, his clothes and even his ethic background along with his relationship with the person he is speaking with.

When it comes down to it the only real way to gain best writing is to write it, leave it, read it fresh, edit it and rewrite it if needed. Such is the pain of being a writer. We all have our strengths and weaknesses as writers and all have our good and bad writing days.

Just passing on what some very good writers have taught me and now I need to take my own good advise and get a novel published.

Again your writing is enjoyable and has me wanting to read more and thats the best thing anybody can say about writing.
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Paul Rice
 
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Post » Mon Oct 25, 2010 6:57 pm

Thanks RobCo, it was my intention to lighten it up a bit, or else it would be swallowed in the great void of depression.
They are brothers, they've got a long background history and my guess is, if you life for such a long time, you'll try to keep yourself entertained while surviving.


That's what I love bout it. I imagine the armor a bit different, but that makes the story your own. (that's why I hate watching movies of books I read. "that's not how I imagined it")
Though I understand Zalphon's criticism. I hope he still enjoys the story.


I will like it either way. Just try not to make them like this. Both are examples.

He shot the man. The man died. He said, "blahblahblah." She said, "blahblahblah."

And more like this.

He shot the man in the chest, leaving a gaping wound. The man he just shot was breathing hard and suddenly it just stopped. He explained, "blahblahblah." She responded, "blahblahblah."

So if you don't want exact detail, at least try more like the second.
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Eve Booker
 
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Post » Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:59 pm

*snip*

Thanks for those tips! Wise words indeed.
I'll try to realize these tips in the next chapter

*snip*

You're absolutely right about that Zalphon, though it's hard for me to write in this style, and I tend to forget it.
I should restrain myself from posting the chapter right after finishing it and read it trough once more.
Though it's difficult because I don't know the entire English vocabulary out of the back of my head, I use online dictionaries often to try and get variation in it.
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Danielle Brown
 
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Post » Tue Oct 26, 2010 2:22 am

Good Food

The three brothers followed the merchant as the sun went down behind the old and dusty buildings surrounded by a dry moat.
Once inside, John threw the Yao Guai arms next to an extinguished fire in a large looking, home made chimney.
The shop wasn't small, but the way it was arranged narrowed the place by a lot.
Only some shelfs containing interesting objects, like medication and ammo, the rest was just crammed with useless metal, leaf-blowers, vacuum-cleaners and other junk.

“Mind if I light the fire up again?” He asked while he threw some wood into the chimney.
The merchant got some musty looking meat off a shelf behind the counter and fed it to his dog who barked happily.
“You can try,” he replied. “But the wood's a bit damp lately, so I don’t think it’ll burn that good.”

John got a small metal lighter out of his pocket and wiggled it between his fingers.
“Oh, I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.” He turned the rotary knob on the back and flicked the front.
The lighter lit a large bright green flame and John had the wood fired up in no time at all.
Gerard and Marc scurried towards the burning chimney and sat down on the dusty floor, warmed themselves up.

“Still got that Raddiefire*?” Gerard asked. “How long have you got the thing?”
“217 years.” John replied proudly. “Saved my life more than once, I can tell ya.”
“Back in ’32 when I got this baby and this one from ’58.” he told as he pointed out a few of the larger scars on his face. “Just open the back and…”
Marc looked at John irritated while combing his blonde hair “Yeah yeah, we heard that one only a thousand times before.”

The merchant joined the ghouls as John started skinning the Yao Guai arms.
“So you’re pre-war ghouls then?” he asked with great interest. “So, how was life before the bombs fell?”
“A lot better.” Marc sarcastically answered without looking the merchant in the face.
Gerard glared into the fire, the flames reflecting in his eyes.
“We all worked in DC back then.” He added.
“I was a car mechanic at Takoma Motor, John was a security guard at the Natural History Museum and Marc worked as a Tour guide in the Capitol.”

“I loved that job.” Marc concluded as he put his comb back into his chest pocket.
“We should head back to the capitol sometime soon; I bet I could get you guys some of these Kevlar suits too.”
“Are you crazy?” Gerard shouted. “That place is overrun by Super mutants these days!”
“So what? I know all the secret passages, slide-able walls and rotating bookcases.”
“It’s still a death wish, if you ask me.” Gerard determined

After a few minutes of silence, John turned to the merchant.
“We haven’t even asked your name!” He said slightly embarrassed.
“And I haven’t even thanked you properly.” The merchant added.
“The name’s Elvis and you can have all the food and water you need if you’d like.”
John accepted as his brothers nodded agreeably. After all, they didn’t have much after their escape from the Highway shack.

Marc got up and walked towards John who was just turning over the Yao Guai arms on the grill rack.
“Those done yet?” he asked bended over the fire, trying to get a closer look at the meat.
“Don’t be impatient, I’ll tell you when…” BANG!
A loud crack interrupted John and he grabbed his rifle without hesitation, turning to the door in an instant.

“Calm down John, that was just the fire crackling.” Marc determined. “The damp wood had probably caused it.”
John lowered his gun and sat down on the floor, rubbing his hand over the front of his head.
“I’m exhausted.” He said. “You were right, I do need rest.”
“Off course you do.” Marc added. “Avoiding the Enclave is a tiresome business.”
Elvis looked up, leaning his back against one of the old grocery racks. “Avoiding the Enclave,” he asked. “for what?”
John signaled Marc to shut up, but Marc didn’t notice. “Because they’re hunting us for something we stole from them.” He explained.

“After we heard they planned to pollute the water with a deathly virus for all ghouls, John and Gerard were sent to intercept it and bring it back to Underworld.”
Elvis startled a bit. “But if you’re being sought by the Enclave, you should get out of here!” He said suddenly.
The brothers stood perplexed. “What? Are you a supporter of the Enclave or something?” John asked.
“No, I’m not. But they do come here every now and then.” Elvis answered. “Mostly looking for things to trade.”
“Isn’t there a basemant?” Marc added, getting a bit suspicious.

Elvis got even more nervous. “Well yeah, but you can’t go in there!”
“Why not?”
“Be… because it’s filled with Mole Rats!”
“We can take care of a few Mole Rats.”
“There are dozens of them, no hundreds!”

John and Marc walked towards the back door, Elvis shouting something in protest, but John opened it without warning.
The basemant was dark and the smell terrible, but the two could see good enough to witness the terror.
There were Freezing boxes spread all over the basemant, illuminated by only a small dimmed light bulb.
When marc looked in one of the boxes, he could hardly keep himself from vomiting.

Dead bodies, all cut up and neatly arranged inside the freezers, some even filled to the top with decapitated heads.
Elvis came walking down followed by Gerard who was holding his Sniper Rifle firm in his hands.
“So that’s why the town was so awfully quiet.” Gerard concluded.

--------

*Raddiefire: Light your cigarettes in a flash!
Raddiefire does not only light small objects, but also larger, if needed.
Raddiefire is absolutely safe and only emits tiny amounts of radiation.
Raddiefire: It’s a Burning Beauty!

--Do not open the back of Raddiefire without the consult of a professional.--


(The Raddiefire was banned in 2068 when tests resulted that the lighter leaked huge amounts of radiation when opening the back.)

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lucile davignon
 
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Post » Tue Oct 26, 2010 6:26 am

Interesting! I had a hunch the guy was a Canibal, here's the mistakes I saw:

John and Gerard were send to intercept it and bring it back to Underworld." - were sent to intercept it and......

But if you're being soughed by the Enclave, you should get out of here - I think you meant sought, not sure though. A safe bet is just saying "If the Enclave is looking for you....

he suddenly stated. - He suddenly stated.

That's all I found, I'd look harder but I have a work I need to do.
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Suzy Santana
 
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Post » Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:08 pm

Nice read :) The paragraph thingy takes a little getting used to, but other than my learning curve for gettingover that, I liked it.

:goodjob:
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Shianne Donato
 
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Post » Tue Oct 26, 2010 12:08 am

*snip*

Thanks Robco, I'll look over it one more time when I have the time, because in all of my enthusiasm and lack of time, I posted it right after finishing.

Nice read :) The paragraph thingy takes a little getting used to, but other than my learning curve for gettingover that, I liked it.

:goodjob:

Good to hear you like it Old Andy. I still haven't had the chance to read yours fully. But I will.

[EDIT] ---rewrote a bit and tried to let it flow more. Also got out some minor mistakes---
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Chelsea Head
 
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Joined: Thu Mar 08, 2007 6:38 am

Post » Tue Oct 26, 2010 5:23 am

From Prison to Prison

As Marc walked back upstairs with a troubled look on his face, the dog was still lying quietly by the fire, slowly falling asleep, not even sensing the slightest danger that his owner was into.
Marc dragged the only chair in the entire shop, downstairs and slammed it directly under the light bulb.
After ordering Elvis to sit on the chair, the three brothers looked him deep in the eyes and started the interrogation

“Care to explain what all these bodies are doing here?” John asked to Elvis, who was nervously tapping his fingers on the side of the chair.
His head was sweating more and more as he moved his eyes fast from left to right.
“It…It was horrible at first.” He started. “I didn’t voluntarily do it you know. It’s just, I was forced.”
Marc shoved his 10mm against his nose, making him even more nervous.

“It’s true! I-I hid here from Super Mutants for weeks. There wasn’t any food left but the remains of the fallen.
I kept hidden in the basemant, but those Super mutants wouldn’t go away.
Waited for as long as I could, I started to get real hungry after a while.
The first time I ate it, it… it was horrible, HORRIBLE! But… but after a while I-I got used to it.
It’s not that bad, if you stop thinking about the part that it’s human.”

“So you just decided to kill people for their flesh!?” Marc roared as he shoved the pistol almost in Elvis nose.
“No! No, these men were already dead.” He answered with sweat now dripping on the shaft of the gun.
“They were killed by the Mutants. When they left, I just took the bodies in and froze them.
It… it would’ve been a waste not to, you know.”
“NO, I DON’T KNOW!” Marc shouted with his eyes wider than ever.

Elvis closed his eyes letting out a squeak in fear when Gerard laid his hand on Marc’s shoulder.
“Come on Marc, this isn’t the solution.” He said with a calm voice, forcing marc to remove his pistol from Elvis’ face.
It was not Elvis, but Marc who started crying. “You don’t know man. You don’t know what I’ve seen…”
He walked away from the men, dropping his gun. “When they killed him and…”
Marc pressed the palm of his hands in his eyes, trying to force away the image.
“…and ATE HIM!” he finished.

Gerard walked towards Marc, trying to comfort him as only brothers could.
“I thought Arefu was safe, man.” Marc went on. “Safe from the horrors at the Mall. But it wasn’t! It was only worse…”
“But we can’t just kill him.” John said as he joined the other two brothers. “He didn’t kill anyone, technically.”
Marc got his hands out of his eyes and walked up the stairs without giving the men another look.
“I don’t care; do with him what you want.”

Marc walked towards the front door to go outside, in need of fresh air.
But when he opened it, there was standing an unwelcome guest in the frame, about to knock.
A man in his mid forty’s, with an officers cap on his head and a large grey moustache hiding his mouth.
“Ah, there you are!” said the Enclave Sergeant. “And this time, I didn’t even have to knock!”
“[censored]!” was the only thing Marc could say before he slammed the door shut.

“Well, that’s just rude!” A muffled voice said on the other side of the door as Marc ran back downstairs.
John and Gerard looked at him confused. “I thought you went outside?” John asked.
“They’re here. The enclave, they’re here!” Marc gasped, picking up his 10mm pistol.
Gerard ran back up and closed the back door, locking himself and his brothers up in the basemant.
“[censored]!” John cursed. “They’ve got us. We’ve got no other choice than fighting now.”

“Not necessarily.” Elvis said, standing up from his chair. “If you’ll let me live, I’ll get you safe outside.”
The dog above started barking as they heard the front door slammed back open.
“Okay, you got a deal!” John said in a hurry. “Just, be quick about it.”
A shot was launched above and the dog gave out a squeak before it went silent.

“Prince!” Elvis shouted in pain, but John grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him around.
“We got to get out of here, NOW!”
The noise of power armoured feet came closer to the basemant door as they probably heard the men shouting.
Elvis got himself together and ran towards a dark corner, revealing a hatch to the outside.

The men quickly climbed outside: first Gerard, then Marc, then Elvis and just when John got outside, the basemant door got kicked open.
“Quickly.” Elvis whispered to the brothers leading them towards the edge of the small town near an old police station.
“In here!” He said as he opened the dark blue door of the station. “They won’t find you in there.”
“You first.” Marc ordered, looking concerned at the brick front, scanning the place for anything suspicious.
“I can’t!” Elvis squealed. “It’s full of ferals, they’d kill me!”
“That’s an encouraging thought for a change.” Marc said as he pushed Elvis inside.
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Sabrina Schwarz
 
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Joined: Fri Jul 14, 2006 10:02 am

Post » Tue Oct 26, 2010 7:13 am

Good read, I didn't expect the enclave guy to be back. Alrighty here's what I found:

You said save instead of safe alot. here's some examples: "If you'll let me live, I'll get you save outside." "I thought Arefu was save, man." etc..

That was the only thing I saw. Good job!
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Inol Wakhid
 
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Joined: Wed Jun 27, 2007 5:47 am

Post » Tue Oct 26, 2010 9:18 am

this is the best FF i have ever read, seconded to your old FF "the defenders of the wastes"
AWESOME
EDIT: cant wait for the next chapter
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Gavin boyce
 
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Joined: Sat Jul 28, 2007 11:19 pm

Post » Tue Oct 26, 2010 6:55 am

I'll write the next chapter asap, but I'm just back from vacation, and busy with alot of things, so it can take a few more days.
Sorry for the delay, I'll write a kickass chapter to make up for it ;)

Thanks for the kudos fan boy, glad you appriciate my work.
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emma sweeney
 
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Joined: Fri Sep 22, 2006 7:02 pm

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