The Wasteland Empire

Post » Thu May 27, 2010 4:09 pm

The Prologue



I stared out the window as I seen the power-armored soldiers walk around in this place we call Megaton. The year was 2257, and we of the Capital Wasteland had been conquered by the Wasteland Empire. I walked out the door and asked the stormtrooper, "Hey, when am I going to get my visa to get out of here?"

The Stormtrooper looked at me, I couldn't tell his expression, as his helmet hid it, but he said, "Talk to Captain Bethany Peters, she is in charge of this settlement."

I nodded and walked around the settlement of Megaton, heading to what used to be Moriarty's Saloon. The city had gotten worse since they guys took over, in their shiny T-45B Power Armor, they conquered us, and killed Lucas Simms. I crept into the rusty, iron, door of Moriaty's Saloon, I mean the Imperial Office. Captain Bethany wore a gray uniform, sitting at her desk, she typed into her terminal when she asked, "What do you want, Local?"

I told her, "I need my visa, so I can go to The Cit-- Imperial City."

She raised a brow, and said, "Ah yes; you're Karth, correct?"

I nodded an affirmative, and handed her a credit chip, "fifty credits, right?"

"Yes, Karth, we'll have you taken on a verti-bird."

"Yes, Ma'am."

I walked out the door, plotting my rebellion against Emperor Desmond, some insurgents were meeting me in the Imperial City, previously known as the citadel, we were planning to launch some bombs, eliminate some leaders, and take out some soldiers... I boarded the verti-bird and sat down, waiting...
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No Name
 
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Post » Fri May 28, 2010 1:44 am

I like the idea. If you keep putting effort in it it will be great.
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Damned_Queen
 
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Post » Fri May 28, 2010 6:09 am

I see Star Wars and TES in here. Ideas good though
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Killah Bee
 
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Post » Thu May 27, 2010 8:26 pm

Just because it says Empire, doesn't mean its Star Wars... If it does then I guess every emperor in the world must've been a star-wars wannabe

Stormtrooper means elite soldier... Anybody ever heard of Nazi Stormtroopers

Credits can be a form of currency...

Not flaming, just saying... I see no TES, and gray is a common buisness suit color, I think it was the only one in the 50's...
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Ysabelle
 
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Post » Fri May 28, 2010 5:26 am

I...I......Uh.....I can't really, I don't really know what to say, its just kinda confusing....
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lucile davignon
 
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Post » Fri May 28, 2010 7:37 am

Just because it says Empire, doesn't mean its Star Wars... If it does then I guess every emperor in the world must've been a star-wars wannabe

Stormtrooper means elite soldier... Anybody ever heard of Nazi Stormtroopers

Credits can be a form of currency...

Not flaming, just saying... I see no TES, and gray is a common buisness suit color, I think it was the only one in the 50's...



Stormtroopers doesn't mean elite trooper. They're troopers that are trained in assault tactics.
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joseluis perez
 
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Post » Fri May 28, 2010 2:28 am

The Prologue



I stared out the window as I seen the power-armored soldiers walk around in this place we call Megaton. The year was 2257, and we of the Capital Wasteland had been conquered by the Wasteland Empire. I walked out the door and asked the stormtrooper, "Hey, when am I going to get my visa to get out of here?"

The highlighted Red is where you lost me. It's a fragment of sorts. I was being told, where it was, and who was in charge. But suddenly was shot to a "stormtrooper" saying something. You need to make it flow better, and add more description to it.

The Stormtrooper looked at me, I couldn't tell his expression, as his helmet hid it, but he said, "Talk to Captain Bethany Peters, she is in charge of this settlement."

I nodded and walked around the settlement of Megaton, heading to what used to be Moriarty's Saloon. The city had gotten worse since they guys took over, in their shiny T-45B Power Armor, they conquered us, and killed Lucas Simms. I crept into the rusty, iron, door of Moriaty's Saloon, I mean the Imperial Office. Captain Bethany wore a gray uniform, sitting at her desk, she typed into her terminal when she asked, "What do you want, Local?"

Once again, you've kinda broken the flow of things. This should be edited to flow better with telling the background of what happened to Megaton.

I told her, "I need my visa, so I can go to The Cit-- Imperial City."

She raised a brow, and said, "Ah yes; you're Karth, correct?"

I nodded an affirmative, and handed her a credit chip, "fifty credits, right?"

"Yes, Karth, we'll have you taken on a verti-bird."

"Yes, Ma'am."

I walked out the door, plotting my rebellion against Emperor Desmond, some insurgents were meeting me in the Imperial City, previously known as the citadel, we were planning to launch some bombs, eliminate some leaders, and take out some soldiers... I boarded the verti-bird and sat down, waiting...

This whole thing, is one big run on sentence. Maybe add some periods or semi-colons. It would make it flow better. And lastly, add some more description.

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priscillaaa
 
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Post » Thu May 27, 2010 9:49 pm

The Stormtroopers pointed their plasma rifles at me as I stared down at the ground, the desolate, horrible, wasteland... I sat back down and told the Black-Uniformed Captain, "Are we almost there, Sir?"

He glared at me and hissed, "Bethany may like you, but that doesn't mean I do..."

I muttered under my breath, "Bastard..."

Suddenly I felt a shove from one of the stormtroopers, as I fell to what looked like my death.

Hours later...

The soft voice of Ashlynn woke me as she said calmly, "Quite a fall you took."

I responded slowly as I got up off of the cold, metal, table and looked around the steel, gray, labratory, "Yes, imperials dislike me a bit..."

"Imperials, I stay neutral in their little war with the Brotherhood of Steel."

"The Brotherhood is fighting in this war?"

"Yes, but they're losing, tell you what I got some combat armor and an assault rifle, all yours if you want it."

"Thanks, but, one question, why are you helping me, actually two, whats your name?"

"I help the Brotherhood secretly, but don't fight, and want you folks to win, and the name is Ashlynn, Ashlynn Stevens."

"Thanks, I will grab the armor, suit up and be out of your hair."

She smiled as I walked to the back room to grab the old, torn, combat armor, and take the assault rifle that had been gathering cobwebs. I waved farewell, and pressed the elevator button up. Only to find six stormtroopers aiming at me... Life couldn't get any better...
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jesse villaneda
 
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Post » Thu May 27, 2010 5:10 pm

closed by request
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Alyna
 
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