A long time ago I made a fan fic that was written in first person style and many people agreed that it was the best one I ever wrote. I am recreating this fan fic but changing some things about it. I am not going to continue with Kidnapped because I really could not come up with another chapter.

CHAPTER 1: Bigotry

Moriarty’s Saloon.2274
I sat behind the counter of Moriarty’s Saloon and awaited for the next customer to enter the bar, today had been going a lot slower then usual and for some reason that bastard Moriarty was blaming me and Gob. Gob got it a lot worse then I did though, he was beat regularly by Moriarty’s hired Mercenary, and that bastard Moriarty did nothing about it. I swear if that Mercenary where to ever try that [censored] on me he would never hurt another a soul again. The door to the Saloon opened and I instantly got excited, not because we got another customer but because Moriarty would stop yelling at us. Gob decided to take the mans order.

“So what do you want bud?” asked Gob.
“Shut the [censored] up ghoul.” replied the random Wastelander.

After hearing that I got pissed off, Gob was my best friend and bigots pissed me off so I decided to yell at the bastard “Hey [censored] you no bigots allowed!” After yelling at him I could hear Moriarty coming from his office and at that moment I knew I was [censored].

“What the [censored] is going on in here?” yelled Moriarty, his face was bright red it looked funny but it intimidated me. Moriarty practically controlled my life and you DO NOT want to piss the person who controls your life off. I quickly replied to Moriarty.

“This guy just comes in here and tells Gob to shut the [censored] up because he is a Ghoul! That’s [censored]! This is not a place for discrimination.”
“You idiot! I say what this place is not you! If the paying customer wants to get mad at Gob because he is a Ghoul let him! Remember he is the one that pays you!” Moriarty yelled.

At this moment I was really getting angry and Moriarty could see it, he decided to slap me just to see how far this anger would go. I knew he wanted me to hit him so he could get his Mercenary to beat the living [censored] out of me so I had to calm down. I started to take deep breaths and cooled down quickly, Moriarty then called me a coward and returned to his private quarters. Gob put his hand on my shoulder and whispered “thank you” I smiled and nodded. Just another day in the Saloon.

“Shut the [censored] up ghoul.” replied the random Wastelander." is okay, however I think this would be better: "Shut up, Zombie," the Megatonian scowled. It has more description and shows how his bigotry.

"After hearing that I got pissed off, Gob was my best friend and bigots pissed me off so I decided to yell at the bastard “Hey [censored] you no bigots allowed!” After yelling at him I could hear Moriarty coming from his office and at that moment I knew I was [censored]."

Saying I got pissed off is bad practice. I'd recommend that you use something like: After hearing hearing what the bigot said, I was infuriated.

And instead of Bigots pissed me off, perhaps you could use: Bigots were the racists scum of the Earth.

Instead of: I knew I was [censored], ever thought of trying: I knew that old snake would come down on me.

I'd also recommend adding some length Josh, but do continue.

Using words that are not swears! BLASHPHAMY!!!! . It does make it look better by getting rid of those ugly censored bars. I will try and use other words thens swearing. And yes I know the length of this chapter was small but others will be larger. Thanks for the input Kalarn.

Censored bars do look bad in a fan-fic, no offense to any writers who use them in Fallout ones. Just in my opinion, they look unprofessional.

CHAPTER 2: Big Mistake

It was New Years eve, 2275 was just minutes away but it meant nothing to me, just another year of abuse and cheap pay but hey it was a lot better then what most people receive in the wasteland, a bullet to the head. Gob was allowed to have the day off because yesterday I angered Moriarty and he wanted me to do all the work. Not only did I have to serve the drinks and control the counter I had to clean up the puke from all the drunks. Thank god he didn’t make me do Silvers job.

I was beginning to dose off but was interrupted by a pat on the back, I turned around fast to see Moriarty standing there. “Uh hello boss.”

“I am leaving for the night which means I have to leave Grunt in charge.” said Moriarty, I could see in his eyes that he was worried, something bad had happened. I felt like I had to ask where we was going.
“Where are you going?”
“None of your damn business kid.” snapped Moriarty, should of expected that.
“Alright well be safe.” I really meant die.
“Yeah yeah I know you don’t mean it.”
“There ain’t nothing wrong with a white lie.”

Moriarty didn’t respond he just left the Casino, I let out a deep sigh of relief and right after was hit in the back of the head. I collapsed to the ground hitting the bar counter on the way down, it caused me to get a gash in the right part of my forehead, I didn’t even know what was going on. I was lifted up from the ground and thrown into a wall and then I saw who was doing it, Moriarty’s mercenary Grunt. I couldn’t fight back, I was to out of it to do anything. Grunt held me against the wall and punched me in the face, it hurt more than anything Moriarty had ever done to me. I barely knew what was going on, all I knew was that Grunt was beating the living [censored] out of me but why?

Every time I would try to speak I was hit in the face again. Blood trickled down my face from the gash on my forehead and the bastard continued to punch me. I was starting to lost conscious but I saw Gob run at Grunt from behind, he pushed Grunt and it caused him to let go of me Gob then started to punch Grunts back, at this moment I collapsed to the ground from the pain I had just received. Grunt had turned around and grabbed Gob by his collar and threw him into a wall, Gob let out a yell of pain Grunt then started to do the same thing he did to me moments ago, I was infuriated. I ignored the pain and quickly got up from the ground and grabbed a bottle of beer from the counter and smashed it over the back of Grunts head, he turned around quickly and I stabbed him in the arm with the shattered bottle, he let out a cry of pain and I grabbed the broom and started to swing it at his head, every time he would try and fight back he received another hit to the face from the broom.

Grunt decided to tackle me instead of punch and to tell you the truth, it worked. He tackled me onto the bar table, it felt like a behemoth had stepped on me. But before Grunt could do anything he let out a bloodcurdling cry of pain and fell of the bar counter, a knife was sticking out of the back of his head and Gob stood over his corpse.

‘Gob. You killed him.” I said shocked.
“I didn’t know what to do!” he said scared out of his mind, I could see that he thought he was going to die.
“Gob lets go, lets leave Megaton now forever!”
“I can’t! Moriarty has connections! He paid a lot for me! If I where to run away he would send Mercenaries after me.”
“Well Gob, it was nice knowing you but I can’t deal with Moriarty and his [censored] anymore. You tell him I killed him, these drunks are well to drunk to remember anything and Silver is with a customer right now so no one will ever truly know who did it.”
“Thank you Drake. You were always a good friend to me.”

I nodded and smiled at Gob, he would have to continue with Moriarty’s [censored] but at least he wouldn’t die, I left the bar and sped out of Megaton making my way to Springvale, I found a cellar door and went in it and made myself at home for the night. 2275 here I come.

Alrighty, not a bad start. You mixed up some words like where was supposed to be were. Dont mix up your to/too/twos. Censored bars aren't bad in the right amount, and you have the right amount. In life people will cuss and swear and if you didn't have it your story wouldn't be realistic, even in terms of fallout. It seems like your character is speaking as it the story was in the past, when you say 2275 here I come you switch the present tense and in that case it's jarring, It probably would have stayed better with the tense if you had it like, 2275 was just around the corner. Just my two cents.

Stupid English language! Why must you have multiple spellings of words! .
Also yeah that was bad wording on my part. Drake is telling the story of his past.

CHAPTER 3: What now?

My eyes slowly opened as a began to wake up, the ground of the cellar had not made for a comfortable bed. I got out of the cellar and was clueless on what to do, Megaton was out of the question and I really didn’t know where else to go. Rivet City was the idea that made most sense but getting there without a weapon would be nearly impossible. At this moment I realized I was as good as dead. I decided to just try to make my way to Rivet City I mean what other option was there? I began walking towards Rivet City and along the way I ran into a settlement called Grayditch. It had an average amount of Wastelanders living in it so that mean at least one was selling a gun. I started to ask around for anyone who sold guns and an elderly woman pointed me to a metal shack, I thanked her and made my way to the shack.

As soon as I entered the place I got a nice whiff of alcohol, it reminded me of Moriarty’s, the man sitting behind the counter had a bottle of whiskey in his left hand and a Hunting Rifle in his right, I asked him how much the rifle was.

“How much is that rifle your holding?”

The drunken man replied saying “Fifty caps.”

“Well let me count how much I have.” I replied.

I reached into my pocket to pull out the sack that I kept my caps in, I poured them on the counter and started to count one by one, unfortunately I only counted thirty-five.

“I’m fifteen caps short. Is there anything else I can offer you?”

He replied with “What else ya got?”

“Not much really. You need something done around town that I could do?” I asked.

“Come to think of it yeah there is something you can do.” he said.

I asked the man what that was and he said “You can leave my store ya broke ass.”

It wasn’t the exact response I was hoping for but what else can you expect from people of the Wastes. I left the shop slightly depressed and all I could think was, what now?

Nat too shabbeh.

Good addition.

This fan fic will be on hold until I get my computer screen fixed. Do not worry I am not giving up on it.

I am over at my aunties for the night and have access to the thing known as internet. So another chapter will be posted soon.

Hello, Josh. I see you haven given up on Kidnapped, but I'm glad to see you continuing this, maybe you can this finish this one. I would like to see that. I like to critique, so if you excuse me, I want to point a couple things.




I think you could do a little bit better than just running into some kind of settlment, if this was a journal you might be able to pull it off, but it's not. I would like a little more detail personally, doesn't have to be much but it would be nice to get a genrelization of the town. I would also like to point out that you don't have to tell us about the town in a solid paragraph, it's rather boring. Instead(if you do decide to add more detail) it would be best to show us the town. Describe it as the your protagonist wanders around. For example:

I walked down a narrow dirt path, haphazardly constructed building loomed overhead. Their rusted tin plates looked like they could crumble at any second, the slightest breeze caused them to creak ominously. I stepped over a passed out beggar, his clothes were torn and covered in piss, his hair was long and uncut. I snorted when I saw the bottle of boozer clutched strongly in his weather bitten hand, if I had given him money he would just bought some more of his poison. The streets, though not crowded, did seem to have beggars at ever corner. Not the worst place I've seen, or the largest, but not the best or the smallest either. Just another run of the muck wasteland civilization, trying to scrap by so they can continue to live in their own filth.

Just an example of what I mean, could be better. And besides, what is an average amount of wastelanders anyways? If you do average you need something to compare to.



Pointless and redundant, let the dialogue stand on its own.



You can use a comma in dialogue when denoting who says what. Example

"Well let me count how much I have," I replied.

Well, that's all I have to offer for now. Nice story by the way, I do hope you keep this one up.

Good Luck.

Note: This fan fic will have many changes to the Capital Wasteland. Everything is still in place except the towns are much larger, well the main ones are (Megaton, Rivet City, Underworld etc) Rivet City is the one that is most different. The lowest level in Rivet City is where the Muddy Rudder is. Above that is the lower level, it is the second largest level but is home to the poor people of Rivet City. The right side is all common houses and the left is where the worst houses. Above the lower level is the mid level, on the very right side of it is the Rivet City market place. The rest is the middle class housing and the science lab, hospital, church and museum. Above the middle level is the upper level which is home to the Weatherly Hotel and the upper class housing. You can get on the deck from the upper level. Above the upper level is where the security and council HQ is located.


Chapter 4: New Friend

After being rejected by the merchant I decided to sit right outside of his store, I looked around the town of Grayditch to see a few people moving around but most just sat somewhere liked I did. It was boring but at least I was safe. Hours passed before anything interesting happened, a man running a caravan came to the store I was sitting in front of. The man waked in and several minutes later I heard four gunshots, at that moment I was scared. The man was more than likely going to kick the door open and shoot me where I stood but for some reason he did not. Instead he asked if I was a good shot, I said yes and he threw me a pistol. I still have this pistol today, http://www.google.ca/imgres?imgurl=http://world.guns.ru/userfiles/images/handguns/russia/hg21/1287754765.jpg&imgrefurl=http://world.guns.ru/handguns/hg21-e.htm&usg=__ExtUfND0DimtqXZf287gtLt3EVI=&h=520&w=650&sz=54&hl=en&start=0&sig2=sJ9QlC8sXDA6IyMx4JW-ZQ&zoom=1&tbnid=YzZGxf9FzpAVJM:&tbnh=142&tbnw=178&ei=zCVvTdG_FMOBlAeQxJQ7&prev=/images%3Fq%3DMakarov%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26safe%3Doff%26biw%3D1066%26bih%3D590%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=145&vpy=120&dur=355&hovh=154&hovw=193&tx=151&ty=55&oei=zCVvTdG_FMOBlAeQxJQ7&page=1&ndsp=15&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0. After getting handed the pistol I had the thought to shoot the man where he was but I remembered that he had the chance to do the same to me and he did not. We ran out-of-town and what surprised us both was the fact no one at all tried to stop us. We didn’t even have to run but we still did. Within time the man had brought me to Rivet City, he said he was here to sell everything he had acquired on his caravan and to move into Rivet City. He told me he had gotten all of his loot from a months journey west of the Capital Wasteland.


We walked up to the top of a metal building, from up there we could see massive boat that had split into two halves. All we could smell was rust, metal and water, but we both knew that the smell was worth the safety. The bridge extended and we slowly walked across it, I could not take my eyes off of the boat. I could see all of missing metal, the rust, the broken lights, the doors, the people on the deck. It was like no other place in the Capital Wasteland. When we actually got on the boat the security stopped us.

The Security Guard who looked to be of higher command started to talk, “What are your names and what do what is your business in Rivet City.”

I answered his question, “My name is Drake Schultz and I am looking for a safe place to live. If there are any jobs available I will be sure to capitalize on the opportunity.”

We both turned out attention to Mark, he said this “I am Mark Phear and I am here to sell all of the stuff I have acquired in the last month. Then I plan to buy a house and live the rest of my life in peace.”

The Security Guard remained silent for a while longer before finally saying, “Drake if you don’t have caps you can’t buy a house. You can still live here but your going to have to go to the lower level, there are several common rooms down there. I advise taking the one on your first right. It is run by criminals but they keep things in order in their room. Problem is you have to join them. Yes I know this is probably making me look bad now. Security Guard telling a citizen to join a gang, but truth is Council doesn’t care about the lower level. Only time Security goes down there is when we start hearing gunshots.”

“Well I guess it is better than sitting in front of a store.”

The Security Guard smiled and said “Welcome to Rivet City.”

I really like the effort! Just a minor point, you really should go over your chapters again for punctuation with a fine-toothed comb; I think it could greatly improve the presentation aspect of your work.

Thank you for the input Tuninator. A new chapter will be posted tonight

Chapter 5: Time to kill your newest friends!

3 weeks later…..

I had gotten myself settled in Rivet City, I was officially apart of the gang known as The Devils. I was given a uniform which consisted of blue jeans, black boots, a white shirt and a black leather jacket with a devil on the back, it looked very cool. The leader of the Devils, Satan, asked me to kill another one of the rival gangs leader who’s name was Fang. Fang’s gang was called the snakes. It was a dangerous and risky assignment but I had to do in order to remain safe in Rivet City. I was given a switchblade and was told where he lived. I walked through the lower levels and saw the massive amount of people living here, they were all poor and most were beggars. Like you were going to get any caps from other poor people. I made my way outside of the Snakes base and waited for Fang to come out. Once he did I jumped on him and stabbed the switchblade into the back of his neck and then ran as fast as I could away from the place, I took a quick look behind me to see three of the Snakes running after me. I ignored them and continued to run, within time I got in Devil territory and could see my fellow gang members, when the Snakes came around the corner the Devils instantly started to attack them. I went back to Satan and told him that Fang was dead.

“You’re the best rookie ever!” said Satan, he had the biggest smile I ever saw on his face, he extended his arm for a handshake and I shook his hand.
“No problem Satan, anytime you want me to do something I will do it. As long as you can guarantee my everlasting safety.”
“Can’t guarantee anything in the wastes buddy.”
“True.”

After our conversation we both went to bed. I awoke in the middle of the night and saw that everyone was asleep, the key to the safe was also left out instead of it usually being hidden. I grabbed that key and thought if I should of robbed them blind right there. It took me a while to decide what to do, and I went with theft option. I opened the safe in the corner of the room and took the duffel bag that was full of caps. I knew that if I were to leave they would know it was me so I took a knife from the top of the safe and walked up to Satan. I slowly moved the knife towards his neck and then stabbed it into his neck and pulled upwards. A massive amount of blood poured out of the cut and I went to the next member and did the same thing to the remaining members. Yeah what I did was wrong and stupid. I killed the people who would of made me safe for a lot longer, but things worked out in the end….

DELETED POST! Woops posted my fan fic here XD.

NOTE: All dialouge not spoken by Drake will be italicized.

Note: Hey just to make things easier I am going to make the lines of dialogue that aren’t spoken my Drake italic.

CHAPTER 6: An Offer I Can’t Refuse

With the caps that I stole I bought a house in the upper level of Rivet City. It was like a palace compared to the common room, I had my own bathroom and bedroom. After buying the place I stayed hidden away for a few months, I hired one of the local kids to bring me food every day for fifty caps a month. After those months passed I only started to go into the market place, the scavenger from before Mark Phear had bought his own stall in the market place and was running a general store. I decided to go and say hello.


“Hey its you, the Grayditch bum! I haven’t seen you in four and a half months!?” asked Mark.

“I did some stuff that I regret in the lower level. Something possessed me when I did it man.” replied Drake with no emotion.

“Did what?” asked Mark, he had a confused expression that was mixed with a little fear.

“Nothing. Its unimportant. They were criminals.”

“Well alright as long as its not some innocent person. So Drake do you got a job?”

“Nope. I wish.”

“Well if you want to go back out into the wastes I have a perfect job for you.”

“What! The wastes… Damn… I worked so hard to escape it. How much do I get paid and what job is this? Mercenary work? Assassin work?”

“Shh quite down will ya” Barked Mark.

“Yeah I guess that isn’t something that should be spoken about in public. Come to my house its by the docs.”

“Well I am closing in an hour so see ya later.”

“Goodbye Mark it was nice seeing you again.”

I returned to my house and decided to take a quick nap. I laid on the bed and closed my eyes and before I knew it I had fallen asleep. I was awoken by Marks knocking on the door, I got up from the bed and opened the door Mark quickly entered and then closed the door.

“Hello Drake.”

“Hi Mark, so tell me more about the job.”

“Well it’s a mixture of some things you see a slaver group wants you to get rid of there competition which is this group called the Hawk Mercenaries who also dabble in slaving. They said for certain missions you’ll be with a group of there slavers but sometimes your going to have to infiltrate bases.”

“So slavers want me to take down there competition with some help on some missions.”

“Your pay will be 750,000 caps.”

“So where do I sign up?”

(Short chapter sorry)

Chapter 7

I was given the details on the job and told to meet the employer on the bridge later in the day. When I met the man he told me everything I needed to know and gave me a suit of Combat Armor, a backpack and an assault rifle. The backpack was filled with ammo, medical supplies and food. I was set for the mission. He told me my first assignment was to meet up with the slavers down by Springvale School which was one of the Hawks outposts. On the way there I was stopped by a trader.

“Hey you? You looking to buy some supplies?”

“No I have something important to do.”

“Oh and what’s that? Assassin work?”

“Maybe, what’s it to you?”

“Well I am an excellent shot, maybe I could help.”

“Look I prefer to work alone.

“Buddy in the wastes you can’t work alone. Come on just let me help with the mission what’s the worst that will happen.”

I didn’t know what to say at that moment, the trader was well simply a trader and I had no idea if he had any experience in combat at the time. I ultimately decided to give the guy a break and accept his offer.

“Alright fine you can help but if you die its your fault.”

“So where do we go first?”

“Outside of Springvale School. We are meeting up with a group of Slaver and we are going to assault a Mercenary Outpost.”

“Um your working for slavers?”

“Look I don’t care who pays me as long as I am getting paid. Do you want to help or not because you are really [censored] pissing me off right now.”

“Yeah I will still help. Lets go.”

After teaming up with the trader we made our way to the meeting spot, on the way there wasn’t much conversation. When we arrived we were greeted by the slavers and given the plan, the slavers were to enter first and once we heard shooting it was our turn to go in. We waited while the slavers infiltrated the outpost. When he heard shots he ran in. The Slavers were pinned down on one end of a hall by the mercs on the other side. Me and the trader Gary tried to break the stalemate but where unsuccessful. Gary started to keep pressure on the mercs by constantly shooting at them, I used this to my advantage and started to look for a way to get behind them. I went through a few door and before I knew it I was behind them. I shot my assault rife at the crowd of mercs and emptied the clip, not all died by they turned there attention to me allowing the slavers to finish the rest of them off.

“Woot woot! Nice! But that ain’t all of them there is still the lower level.”

“So lets get the job done.”

I can't picture slavers saying "woot woot". Unless it was Gary that said it?

Anyway nice chapter man

Sorry you guys but this fan fic is going on hold for a while. My RP the Capital Wasteland is going to be my main focus now because I see a lot of potential in it. Once the RP is done I will continue with the fan fic.