EDITED.

Yea, I think i'm finished.....

Sorry it's taken so long, but I have only recently returned to this forum. Here’s a critique for you, Werewolf. Please bear in mind that I won’t go into matters of spelling unless you want me to. These comments will only focus on the story itself and the way that you tell it. I apologize for the length of this post. I am going to try and cover everything that I have read so far (which, I am sorry to say, is only Chapter I):

First, I love the name Veronika Darksky! Could there be a better name for a gothic heroine who just happens to be a werewolf?

From the Introduction:


I like the atmosphere you give Darksky Manor. From your description, I envision an Elder Scrolls version of Baskerville Hall. But this passage rings a little awkward. You begin the sentence by describing the ‘naked and dead trees’, but ‘stripped from the life it once had’ seems to refer to the manor rather than the grounds. The sentence that follows it brings us back to the state of the grounds in a way that I found jarring. I would suggest changing ‘the life it once had’ to ‘the life they once had’ in order to keep the focus on the trees. Furthermore, you should end the statement about the trees with a period, picking up with the flowers and the pool in a new sentence.

Also, describing the pool as ‘dirty and full of disgusting insects’ is a little vague. Perhaps if you allow us to see the algae and grime that collects in the stagnant water, let us smell the putrid stench of the swamp in the pool area, and bring to our attention the buzzing of ravenous insects above the water’s surface it will give us a clearer picture.

The history covered in the second paragraph was fascinating. I can see the potential for a number of hooks being formed. If ‘Most were well aware that Carterious had Lycanthropy’, why was he forced to flee? Did Roliandus continue his father’s work extending the house and grounds? What was the ‘mysterious disease’ that killed Roliandus’ first wife? How was Marrara treated as the second wife coming to live at Darksky Manor? (That reminds me; I don’t know if you are familiar with the film http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rebecca_(1940_film), adapted from the novel by Daphne du Maurier. If you aren’t, you should see it. Marrara’s situation sounds eerily like that of the second Lady de Winter.) The answers to all of these questions remain tantalizingly beyond my grasp at the moment. But, after a single introduction, I am intrigued enough to read on to learn the answers!

Chapter I: Savage Return

I have to admit, I am not sure what you were going for with the term ‘Masser’s Alacrity’. Alacrity, as I understand it, means agility, liveliness, or eagerness. I’m not sure how that relates to the red light that is illuminating the pages that Veronika is reading.

The journal entries were spectacular! We get a very real sense of Carterious as an incredibly tortured soul. His dawning realization of the horror that he is capable of in beast form and the fact that he has passed this curse onto his granddaughter are wonderfully described. In the space of a few sentences you manage to create reader empathy with him and, by extension, with Veronika. These entries also serve to answer one of the questions that I had in the introduction. Beautifully done!

The discussion of the nature of lycanthropy and what does and does not define evil was very interesting. I like the fact that Veronika is willing to take Shavaasha into her confidence. When she finds out that Veronika is ‘gifted’ with lycanthropy, the fact that Shavaasha remains silent ‘as if a cat had got her tongue’ is a really nice touch. I would caution you to be careful not to bog the reader down with too much stage direction. Remember, their conversation is important, it drives the scene. Describing every laugh, sigh, and cross of the legs takes away from that. Only show us those moments that we need to see because they somehow communicate the character’s subtext.

Overall I enjoyed this very much, and I look forward to reading more. I won’t promise more in depth comments like these, but I will continue to comment when time permits. I know the lack of comments can be frustrating, but don’t give up yet. Keep plugging away at it, and I will keep reading.

Thank you for the review. But it's more of the lack of ideas rather than comments that have me a bit lost, I rewrote and deleted the rought draft in paper, so I need new plans which is why the story kinda leaped out of the story, but the characters in the second chapter and in the Imperial City will be featured heavily. But i'm getting a few new ideas and some interesting things to add to lead up to where I need the story to go. I will make those changes soon, thank you for pointing them out. About the family history after Carteriouse's death, itwill be revealed in this next chapter. Since Veronika had a quest from Hircine, she needs to take care of the house "chores" before venturing out into the next province. And yes, the Manor is absouletly like Baskerville hall. And based on the Talbot Estate from the new Wolfman movie, I used as an inspiration. I have never seen the movie, Rebecca or read the novel. But I might take a look into it, as I love watching movies. Even the old ones. I am grateful for the review, it means alot and I will take every word you wrote into consideration.