The Werewolf: A Lycanthrope's tale

Post » Fri Feb 18, 2011 7:20 pm

EDITED.
User avatar
ashleigh bryden
 
Posts: 3446
Joined: Thu Jun 29, 2006 5:43 am

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 3:42 am

Really great writing and storyline - I'll have to come back and finish this, just don't have enough time to read it in one sitting (or I would!)
User avatar
Fluffer
 
Posts: 3489
Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2007 6:29 am

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 12:51 am

Thats awesome, Werewolf&Vampire, an immersing storyline, and it makes me want to read more! I can't think of anything you could improve, but continue writing! More! More! More!
User avatar
Kayleigh Williams
 
Posts: 3397
Joined: Wed Aug 23, 2006 10:41 am

Post » Fri Feb 18, 2011 10:45 pm

Just remember, as per Elder Scrolls lore (and as seen in Bloodmoon), Lycanthropes are deeply tied to the will of Hircine. They are his servants, his minions, and thus it would make sense for Hircine to have some grasp and control over Veronika's life, and would perhaps make for some very interesting scenarios. Those, however, are yours to draw, as this is your story.

As for your writing, you've certainly peaked my interest, just be careful with dialogue-heavy stories to ensure everything stays connected, as I did notice a particular point in the story where the dialogue disconnected with who was saying what:

“I would like to speak to you of a particular condition, I am quite sure you are familiar with” Hissed Veronika to her. Shavaasha’s eyes widened, fear struck her deep inside, sure that the secret was revealed. Veronika sat inches away from Shavaasha.

“What sort of condition?”

“Lycanthropy”

"I was told that you had experience with it."

"Who told you that?" Asked the maid with a quizzical look all over her face.


The structure here suggests this flow of dialogue (based on the idea of a character switch for each line break):

Veronika
Shavaasha
Veronika
Shavaasha
Veronika

But the last line is being spoken by Shavaasha, so the actual flow is this:

Veronika
Shavaasha
Veronika
Veronika
Shavaasha

It confused me a bit when I ran into that section, and I had to look back and re-check who was saying what, which broke the flow of the story, so keep an eye on your line breaks and try to keep a single character's dialogue on one line as much as possible. But hey, you know what, your style is solid and I really liked the direction this tale is taking. I say keep going! :goodjob:
User avatar
JERMAINE VIDAURRI
 
Posts: 3382
Joined: Tue Dec 04, 2007 9:06 am

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 1:03 am

Just remember, as per Elder Scrolls lore (and as seen in Bloodmoon), Lycanthropes are deeply tied to the will of Hircine. They are his servants, his minions, and thus it would make sense for Hircine to have some grasp and control over Veronika's life, and would perhaps make for some very interesting scenarios. Those, however, are yours to draw, as this is your story.

As for your writing, you've certainly peaked my interest, just be careful with dialogue-heavy stories to ensure everything stays connected, as I did notice a particular point in the story where the dialogue disconnected with who was saying what:

“I would like to speak to you of a particular condition, I am quite sure you are familiar with” Hissed Veronika to her. Shavaasha’s eyes widened, fear struck her deep inside, sure that the secret was revealed. Veronika sat inches away from Shavaasha.

“What sort of condition?”

“Lycanthropy”

"I was told that you had experience with it."

"Who told you that?" Asked the maid with a quizzical look all over her face.


The structure here suggests this flow of dialogue (based on the idea of a character switch for each line break):

Veronika
Shavaasha
Veronika
Shavaasha
Veronika

But the last line is being spoken by Shavaasha, so the actual flow is this:

Veronika
Shavaasha
Veronika
Veronika
Shavaasha

It confused me a bit when I ran into that section, and I had to look back and re-check who was saying what, which broke the flow of the story, so keep an eye on your line breaks and try to keep a single character's dialogue on one line as much as possible. But hey, you know what, your style is solid and I really liked the direction this tale is taking. I say keep going! :goodjob:


Thanks guys. And I will be careful next time. Oh and Hircine does have a special grasp in her life, glad you mentioned him. Let's just say shes there for a particular reason, to serve Hircine and herself, we all know what happened during the Bloodmoon events and this takes place nine months after it. It has to do with Bloodmoon as well. But I cannot say what will happen soon, only when the idea gets closer to presenting itself, hehe.
User avatar
Alisia Lisha
 
Posts: 3480
Joined: Tue Dec 05, 2006 8:52 pm

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 3:03 am

Cool, I like it so far :goodjob: A bit long, yes, but at least it wasn't a block of writing (hur!Hur!).

Spoiler
Oo, can't wait to see her become a werewolf!

User avatar
kristy dunn
 
Posts: 3410
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2007 2:08 am

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 8:24 am

~Encounter with a Werebear~

Alerianna was being hunted. The Beast had killed most of her companions, and it's hunger was aimed at her.

What is it to really be hunted by another creature?Werewolves, as exemplary predators, they are secure in their skills and hunting ability. They are a race bred for the hunt, and their wolfhearts exalt in the success and harmony of the kill just as their human-minds rejoice in predator’s pride. Lycanthropes are masters of playing the hunter, stalking prey, and moving in for the kill with fangs and fury and claws. But one thing they do not have that Alerianna did--Self-control. The redguard werewolf hunter found herself running away from the creature that now chased her. It wasn’t a werewolf but a werebear. A type of man-beast that were native to Skyrim. Aside from losing her breath and losing all touch due to the cold. Holding her silver sword before her, she sprinted through the forest. Every sense was at a heightened state, alert to the slightest hint of an ambush. Falling behind her was Marlusiour, a fellow Breton hunter and a close friend. His once-red face now blue with the ice. Ahead was the opening leading out of the forest, nothing but mountains and glaciers were ahead. A desert of ice, a frozen sea of frigid ground. Alerianna could see almost nothing, the snowy wind clouded her vision, the layers of clothing making a futile attempt to warm her skin. The gaping flesh wound on her arm threatened to worsen, the blood oozing from it made trails of red liquid on the snow, making it all to easy for the werebear to follow.

“If we can lead it to the open. We can finish it off,” Alerianna called out to Marlusiour. He was also wounded, but his case was much worse. Flesh dangled from his left leg where he was bitten, he limped off in the snow, his mace at the ready. Despite his unfortunate predicament, he was still strong, his thick beard and brown wavy hair was testament to that--he was still young, only twenty-seven years old. He looked at Alerianna and laughed, ignoring the bite mark on his left leg.

“I think it gave up--” He chuckled loudly, and as if the Beast had heard him, the werebear emerged from the woods. Tackling him down with all of his weight and sheer strength. Alerianna gaped in horror as the brown beast raked Marlusiour’s back with it’s massive claws. And to finish it’s prey, it’s deadly jaws snapped the Breton’s neck instantly. Alerianna kept running, glancing over her shoulders to see the monstrous animal roar loudly, standing similar to what a man stood. It’s breath visible through the cold. It went back to all his four legs and galloped to Alerianna with intense hunger. She had the creature where she wanted it, all she needed was a few more steps.

As she climbed the snowy hill, the wind howled even more, almost causing her to lose her grip. But for the sake of her life, she held on and continued escalating upward. The werebear did the same, it’s heavy frontal paws striking the snow while its back legs pushed him forward. But regardless of his size and unnatural hunger, she still had the advantage over him. She pushed herself even more to the top, reaching the wall and finally climbing over, the werebear’s claws missing her by inches. It was faster than her, but definetly not smarter.

Alerianna heard a frustrated growl emerging from the beast’s throat. Ignoring the beast, she sprinted now, reaching a large icy cliff. The only thing between her and the other side was an enormous chasm below. To her advantage, there was a frozen bridge over the chasm and it was her key to victory. Alerianna ran forward, with the last ounce of breath, she forced herself a burst of speed and fled as fast as she could. The wooden bridge was rocking left and right, the way it cried and cracked made Alerianna a bit uneasy. And to make matter’s worse, the werebear was high on her tail. The powerful jaws opened and closed. The beast bellowed angrily. Then, it roared again, it was terrifying, a scream from some other world. Alerianna collapsed on the other side, watching as the werebear followed the drops of blood that dripped off the arm of his prey. It was eager to get a mouthful of flesh and blood, but she would not allow it. Not tonight, not ever.

The massive brown creature stood on his hind legs, as it began to walk in a menacing fashion, seeing his prey in a defeated posture, it rose high and mighty. It crossed the bridge, paying no heed to the danger in his surroundings. Alerianna smiled a wicked grin. One step…

The werebear growled, it’s foaming jaws and black eyes full of mindless violence and hunger--

Two steps…

The Beast continued on, the bridge giving off a noise of warning, that it could not hold for much longer.

Three steps…

Speeding up it’s pace, the accursed animal was now on all four. It’s hind paws accelerating it as it’s front paws tried to claw back extra spaces ahead to reach it’s food. But as he reached the middle of the bridge, the entire structure collapsed. The werebear’s heavy weight overpowered what the bridge could withstand. And with a last ear-deafening roar, the monstrosity fell along with the rope and pieces of broken wood. Disappearing deep down in the void of the dark chasm. The echo reaching her ears as it finally landed on the icy below with a thunderous crash.

She reached over the side of the cliff, peering over the edge. She couldn’t help but smile to herself. Another beast was no more. Not without sacrifice of course, but it was one less plague in the world. A pity she did not decapitate the animal, it’s head would of fetched her a nice sum of gold aside from it’s death.

Alerianna grabbed a healing potion from her pocket, bringing the pinkish bottle to her mouth, she gulped down the liquid with ease, immediately feeling the magical effects of replenished life. The wound felt much better, but it was still there. She kept her arm under her clothes, embracing the cold, she stomped off forward in the blizzard, heading back to Solitude in a much longer route, perhaps there she could find a new crew for her unending crusade.
User avatar
Rodney C
 
Posts: 3520
Joined: Sat Aug 18, 2007 12:54 am

Post » Fri Feb 18, 2011 7:45 pm

So, I would like to know if anyone is reading this, and how I would be able to improve?

Aside from adding an antagonist, which I will in the next chapter.
User avatar
Michelle Chau
 
Posts: 3308
Joined: Sat Aug 26, 2006 4:24 am

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 2:05 am

I'm reading. I'm not much of a writer so I don't really have much to suggest for improving it.. only that Veronika's retelling of her past seemed to lack much emotional attachment. Veronika apparently keeps up the appearence of being a tough girl, so it seemed rather out of place how she started crying without much provocation. Also her attachment to Shavaasha didn't really come across (especially after the first part), making it seem odd how she let her get so close. I also had a difficult time with how Shavaasha apparently accepted Veronika's viewpoint on her lycanthropy, and how she kills innocent people, so easilly.
User avatar
Catherine Harte
 
Posts: 3379
Joined: Sat Aug 26, 2006 12:58 pm

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 6:02 am

I'm reading. I'm not much of a writer so I don't really have much to suggest for improving it.. only that Veronika's retelling of her past seemed to lack much emotional attachment. Veronika apparently keeps up the appearence of being a tough girl, so it seemed rather out of place how she started crying without much provocation. Also her attachment to Shavaasha didn't really come across (especially after the first part), making it seem odd how she let her get so close. I also had a difficult time with how Shavaasha apparently accepted Veronika's viewpoint on her lycanthropy, and how she kills innocent people, so easilly.


She didn't. ;)
User avatar
Angus Poole
 
Posts: 3594
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 9:04 pm

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 11:15 am

She didn't. ;)

Hmm, right. I gave the line a reread:
She had a point in it all but it was still psychotic drivel spoken through the mouth of a[n] insane and ravening lunatic.

and I guess it was the way "she had a point in it all" contrasted with "psychotic drivel" that threw me off.
User avatar
Amanda savory
 
Posts: 3332
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2006 10:37 am

Post » Fri Feb 18, 2011 8:24 pm

Again, brilliant!
Compelling, re-readable and a cliffhanger! I look forward to the next edition! :foodndrink:
User avatar
Ymani Hood
 
Posts: 3514
Joined: Fri Oct 26, 2007 3:22 am

Post » Fri Feb 18, 2011 10:26 pm

EDITED.
User avatar
Ownie Zuliana
 
Posts: 3375
Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2006 4:31 am

Post » Fri Feb 18, 2011 8:00 pm

Almost done with the next chapter. I do ask though, the Bloodmoon events, I know it happens every era and it has happened every era before, but only on Solstheim, or did it happen on other places? It has to do with the next chapter.
User avatar
gandalf
 
Posts: 3400
Joined: Wed Feb 21, 2007 6:57 pm

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 9:26 am

EDITED
User avatar
CSar L
 
Posts: 3404
Joined: Fri Nov 09, 2007 9:36 pm

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 12:41 am

“Oh, I’m sorry. I almost forgot about it” Justified the Dunmer, reaching in the crate near him, opening it and revealing the food inside.


Just a minor mistake.
This part here confused me, because the comma was put right after "Dunmer", making Justified his name, so I changed the sentence around, if you don't mind. All the 'ings' became 'eds' because it needs to be in past tense.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I almost forgot about it.” Justified, the Dunmer reached into the crate near him, opened it and revealed the food inside.

An overall exhilarating, page-turning scroll-downing fan-fiction that keeps you on the edge of your seat. I look forward to the next chapter. :goodjob:
User avatar
Alexandra Louise Taylor
 
Posts: 3449
Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2006 1:48 pm

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 6:45 am

Just a minor mistake.
This part here confused me, because the comma was put right after "Dunmer", making Justified his name, so I changed the sentence around, if you don't mind. All the 'ings' became 'eds' because it needs to be in past tense.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I almost forgot about it.” Justified, the Dunmer reached into the crate near him, opened it and revealed the food inside.

An overall exhilarating, page-turning scroll-downing fan-fiction that keeps you on the edge of your seat. I look forward to the next chapter. :goodjob:

/Sigh, me and those godforsaken spelling errors. Hehe. But thanks though, I will try to be more careful next time. Next chapter is still under writing, I plan to have some action in it as well. Thanks again, glad your enjoying it.
User avatar
Skrapp Stephens
 
Posts: 3350
Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2007 5:04 am

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 6:17 am

EDITED
User avatar
Darren Chandler
 
Posts: 3361
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2007 9:03 am

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 2:54 am

EDITED.
User avatar
NIloufar Emporio
 
Posts: 3366
Joined: Tue Dec 19, 2006 6:18 pm

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 8:37 am

EDITED.
User avatar
Oscar Vazquez
 
Posts: 3418
Joined: Sun Sep 30, 2007 12:08 pm

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 10:23 am

I suppose no one is reading this? I guess I should start a new thread maybe? Rush this a bit?
User avatar
Mizz.Jayy
 
Posts: 3483
Joined: Sat Mar 03, 2007 5:56 pm

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 3:32 am

No, we're readin'. Don't cha' worry ;) And, for some odd reason, I imagine Julietta as Cate Blannchet. Just Saying.
User avatar
xx_Jess_xx
 
Posts: 3371
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 12:01 pm

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 8:22 am

Good to know ;)

Next part of the chapter will be up soon. But I am thinking of adding the second part of the story in Valenwood. What do you guys think? The characters mentioned in the first post, the minor ones will be used heavily in the next few posts, then it will revolve around the major characters. I was thinking of introducing Kraven Desselius in Valenwood....seperate the two stories in one thread. Pretty soon the two characters will meet up soon, placing the two seperate tales into one. But I want it to be easier for readers to understand was is going to happen. Any thoughts? I hate asking questions, makes me very unproffesional, but as I mentioned, this is my first Elder Scrolls Fanfic.
User avatar
Quick Draw III
 
Posts: 3372
Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2007 6:27 am

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 3:32 am

Sorry for the inconvenience, edited for changes.
User avatar
Chloe :)
 
Posts: 3386
Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2006 10:00 am

Post » Sat Feb 19, 2011 9:20 am

Good to know ;)

Next part of the chapter will be up soon. But I am thinking of adding the second part of the story in Valenwood. What do you guys think? The characters mentioned in the first post, the minor ones will be used heavily in the next few posts, then it will revolve around the major characters. I was thinking of introducing Kraven Desselius in Valenwood....seperate the two stories in one thread. Pretty soon the two characters will meet up soon, placing the two seperate tales into one. But I want it to be easier for readers to understand was is going to happen. Any thoughts? I hate asking questions, makes me very unproffesional, but as I mentioned, this is my first Elder Scrolls Fanfic.

Well, if it helps support your story, then I say go ahead. After all, you said they would play a major part, so why not??? Now, next chapter, please!
User avatar
Vickytoria Vasquez
 
Posts: 3456
Joined: Thu Aug 31, 2006 7:06 pm

Next

Return to The Elder Scrolls Series Discussion