I've been wanting to write this for a while. If I get enough positive feedback, I'll write more.

Thanks for reading. I'll elaborate on the characters looks more next time when I have a better idea, if there is a next time.

Chapter 1: The Meeting

It was dark, not pitch black though. There was still some light to see by coming from a crack in the door that the figure had just stepped through, and closed behind itself, with not so much as a creak.
The Super Duper Mart was reportedly abandoned but DeMontfort knew better, he plucked the cigaret from his lips, dropped it to the ground and stepped on it. He ran his hands through his greasy, bedraggled black hair and grinned. A fridge had been placed in clear view of the entrance, opened slightly ajar. Some items could just be made out in the darkness.
He strolled across to the fridge, waited 3 seconds and whirled round, and struck the attacker in the face, who collapsed. DeMontfort quickly pulled back his arm and unholstered his .44 and pointed it
at the assailant, who was on their hands and knees. DeMontfort could not tell if this assaulter was male or female, but it was clearly a raider.
"Aw, [censored]!" Yelled the now confirmed female raider.
"Dont make any sudden moves or these walls get a new paint job" Said DeMontfort "how many friends do you have here?" He Queried
The raider spat some blood and looked up "4, stupid [censored], ya don' stand a chance!"
Ah, this was good, thought DeMontfort. "Interesting, thank you".
He could just see a shelf to his left out of his peripheral vision, he had to move from the fridge, otherwise he would be trapped.
"Oy, see ya in he-" The raider's sentence was cut short by a bullet to the brain, and promptly fell.
DeMontfort jumped to his left behind the shelf under a hail of gunfire. He reached to his chest and grabbed a grenade from one of the bands across it. He smiled, this was going to be fun.

A man stepped through the door and into the sunlight, he shielded his eyes from the rays, his eyes hurt. He still couldn't get used to the transfer from dark to light, damn vault.
As he walked forward he bumped into something.
"Hey! Watch where you're going!"
The vault-dweller's eyes cleared "Sorry friend, I didn't see you". He gave the big angry looking man a grin.
"Yeah, well... Don't... Do it again". There was something about the little mans smile and general look of sincerer regret and kindness that made it impossible to not forgive him.
The Vault dweller glanced at the butt of a gun, slung across the man's back.
"Nice gun you got there"
"You know much about armaments?" DeMontfort took the gun off his back and held it by the grip behind the muzzle.
"I know that its Chinese in Origin, fires 5.56 rounds. The reason they exist here is because they were smuggled in by Chinese operatives during the war".
"How do you-?"
"Dont you worry about that, care for a drink?" He gestured to the bar across the rickety walkway.
"Umm... Yeah, sure why not. Whats your name?"
"Dean Red, yours?"
"DeMontfort".
"Alright Monty"
"DeMon-"
"Well, lets go then, drinks are on me!" He took out a large pouch and shook it, it rattled loudly and attracted a few looks.
Monty beamed. This was brilliant.

All right, so far so good. It could use a little work though.

It was dark, not pitch black though. There was still some light to see by coming from a crack in the door that the figure had just stepped through, and closed behind itself, with not so much as a creak.

I would drop the word 'though' in the first sentence. Also, the second sentence is a run on, it would be much easier to read if you broke it up into two sentences. (There was still some light to see by coming from a crack in the door. The figure had just stepped through,allowing the door to close behind him without so much as a creak.)

The transition between first and second "beginnings' are jarring. You need to establish the time and space right away in the second 'beginning' because it will tell the reader the whole scene has changed. We last saw DeMontfort about to throw a grenade, now he's suddenly outside, talking to the vault dweller. It's just a little confusing. At the very least, begin the second paragraph with the generic phrase, "Some time later..."

I'll let someone else tell you all about misspellings, spaces between dialogue and paragraphs, and anything else I missed. It's still a good read, so DON'T give up on it. :mohawk:

Umm, I wasn't sure about that transitiom between some random guy and DeMontfort. So you skipped the fight scene altogether? Then fast forwarded to when he met some random guy (I still don't understand who he is)? PLease make things clearer for me. Otherwise, good job.

I'm afraid that I rushed quite a bit of this, I'll spend loads more time on the next instalment. I didn't have time to proof-read it, I shall do so next time. Thanks for the input, i'll definitely take all that into account. I guess that my grammar isn't as good as I thought it was. If my Dad read this, I doubt he'd be too happy .




Good point! I wasn't sure about that either.

Cheers guys. The next one will be better, I promise!