Is you daughter old enough to tell her grandmother No? Having a child lay down the rules can sometimes have a bigger impact than when they come from the parent.

I used to have a big problem with my kids and their grandparents spoiling nature (I swear that is not the same woman who raised me!) However in my case it was because we are the only part of our family living in this state and seeing grandparents was a special occasion. Christmas was real bad when we got these huge boxes full of presents, I tried to reason with them by pointing out how much the shipping was costing and they agreed to smaller packages. Now they hundreds of dollars worth of gift certificates. :headslap:

My son was diagnosed with diabetes at 13 months old, my mom actually drove the 1000+ miles to see him in the hospital. We also made my mother in law, since she is a mere 400 miles away, go to a How To Care for a Diabetic Child class before we would let her be in the same room with my son without us. Stressing the health issues have really reigned in the grandparents; though I wouldn't wish diabetes on anyone, not your kids or mine.

That's irrelevant. If the kid wants to say "no," she can, and there's nothing the grandparents or anyone can do then, outside of forcing her to eat junk food (which would be another problem entirely). She may not be likely to resist the temptation, however, and really can't be trusted to have self control in that area yet. And if there isn't anyone present to supervise how much she can put in her mouth...

I think it sounds fair, to an extent. Of course grandparents spoil their grandkids (I know mine did!), but they should realise when it's getting excessive. It's a shame your Mum won't be reasonable and just cut back a little on the sugar - maybe she was just calling your bluff? Of course maybe the amount of time spent at the grandparents' would make a difference - if she only saw them, say, once a month, then I probably would consider just letting it happen, seeing as she's clearly getting a healthy diet for the rest of the time. Plus, if she's aware that eating all that crap may have made her ill, she might be more likely to say no to some of the treats that come her way round there. But then I'm not a parent (and more to the point, not hers), so it's your choice to make, and you've clearly got her best interests at heart.

as much as someone may not agree with me, you both are at fault.

one, as much as not everyone will agree with me on this, you have to respect your mother simply because she is your parent. and sometimes this respect means doing what she wants even if you don't agree with it. at least until you two figure out why she feels she needs to spoil your daughter so.

two, she has to not tell you how to raise your children. she may give you advice, which is a part of her responsibility as your parent-to teach you to be a good parent-and she may think that this is how you should be and this is the advice is giving you. but advice is not a commandment, and this is your family, not hers.

you are right to be concerned for your daughter's health. and she can't tell you how to raise your child. on the other hand, she is the grandmother and should be allowed to see her granddaughter. so i think visits to her house when you are there with your daughter should be allowed. and grandmothers are supposedly allowed to spoil children, so maybe this is her way of spoiling your daughter and maybe the only one she has at this point and makes up for lack of other ways by emphasizing this one.

as you yourself said, you fight you Mom over how to raise your children. that's the real problem right there, you two are not respecting each other and this mutual disrespect is turning into a conflict. so whatever the bad blood is there between her and you needs to be removed. my advice is: when was the last time you and your mom had a heart to heart about the things that you keep fighting about? if things got this bad, then this h2h is due, i think. she needs to let you say it all and you let her do the same. then resolve whatever is there, both owing up to own mistakes, offences, etc... even if you don't agree you offended her in things she says you did and she does not agree that she offended you in things you say she did. clear the air. i'd suggest you two set aside a considerable amount of time for this, too; h2h can go on for a few hours... either that, or continue fighting.

any conflict is an opportunity; what you two do with that opportunity-let it go on and things will get worse, or take this opportunity to sit down and resolve it [it being whatever the conflict(s) you two have]-is up to the two of you. you and your mom are both advlts, you should be able to keep peace. i can guarantee you that the longer you two wait to do this h2h, the worse it will get. and you two will be fighting more and more, and about more than just how you should raise your children. whatever the initial conflict was, the snowball is growing now, and this sugary treats thing is just a part of that snowball. you and your mom have the responsibility, and an opportunity, to prevent an avalanche... or suffer its consequences of escalating conflict over, eventually, even the smallest things-the longer this drags on, the smaller the things you two fight about will be.

You are within your parental rights to restrict your daughter to supervised visits with her grandmother.
Your mother's issues equating high glycemic foods with love needs to be discussed, explain that you would prefer her to be affectionate with your daughter, take walks in the park, do activities that both like, instead of indulging in behaviors that can lead to obestity. Mention to Grandmother that you would like her to be around to see her granddaughter graduate college, get married, and see great grandchildren. Her current eating habits are disastrous.
While consumption of sugar/high fructose/sucrose/juices does not cause either diabetes type one or two, excessive consumption of high fat, highly sweetend foods can lead to obesity, which leads to insulin resistance in persons genentically predispositioned to it. Juice is pure ;iquid fructose, minus the fiber, so healthy snacks would be whole grain crackers, fresh fruits, vegetable crudites, a small amount of cheese, and water.

You also need to explain to your daughter what are and are not healthy choices, so she can make them in your abscence.

Your not in the wrong here, your mother is over-spoiling your daughter. It's your child, you control it

You are right to put your foot down about this. It is a serious issue, and even the short term results can be negative -- having to take a day off school due to sickness, for example.

As long as your mother can still see her granddaughter (and vice versa), not allowing her to stay there unsupervised shouldn't have a drastic effect on relationships. But for it to be effective, you need to stick to your guns; talk to your mother, try to resolve to problem, and so forth, but don't just buckle. If you've given an ultimatum (I won't allow ____ until ____) it has to stand until the problem is fixed, or it loses meaning and your word loses power. You can't let it become a battle of wills or anything, but you have to stay committed to it, too.

Also, you probably should make sure your daughter knows at least the basics of good nutrition, since it has come up.

There is nothing as a perfect parent. Be the best parent as you can be, if you think you are doing something wrong it is your job as a father.

Respecting your Mother is one thing, the fact that she could easily contribute to his daughter getting diabetes measn there is no choice here, it is his decision not his Mothers. Just because she is your Mother does not mean she can basically poison your child by feeding here that much sugary food. That many strudels and poptarts, that like well 800 calories per poptart adn toaster strudels are about the same. Assuming your daughter is a teenager she si getting more calories then she should get all day from that, and there is no nutritional value in those things basically. I like to eat sweets but I stop at 2 poptarts just because of how tehy make me feel, which is sick, btu so delicious.

Anyways your in the right.

This

i don't mean respect like she should let her mom continue spoil the child and that she should let that continue, that would be not right, i agree. what i mean by respect, amongst other things, is that she should be waiting until all the possible attempts to resolve these problems are exhausted and all ways possible of problem resolution are attempted, not be so quick to fight with her mother about how to raise her children. or on any issue whatsoever.

you are 100% correct, if diabetes is in your family I would strongly suggest you to keep your daughter from having an excessive ammount of sugar.

What you did was perfectly fine. However, your daughter is getting the bum end of this deal as it looks like she really enjoys going to your parents' house. So, I would suggest making up for it by doing something fun on the days she is supposed to be with her grandparents.

EDIT: Or you know, go over there with her to supervise, or find some other way they can see each other.

Sounds fine to me. :shrug:

Of course my grandparents spoiled me, not with food but with money, haha.

First, let me say to everyone, I appreciate your responses, it does make me feel better about how I've handled the situation. My daughter is 7(almost 8), and she has low will-power when it comes to eating sweets(I guess this comes from us not having them here in our house). She is more or less of the mind that if it's there, she'll eat it, which makes letting her go over there a bad idea, since not only does my mom not restrict what she eats, my mom fully supports it and buys virtually truckloads of junk food. Which is just another reason why I see no way I can back down on this, my mom has to get rid of all that sugary crap, or at least restrict it to one cupboard full, out of Kiara's reach.

I'm guessing her grandparents are not Depression Era My grandmother (the only living grandparent I have) would never stock up on something as frivolous as sweets. It's common tradition that we make cookies together, but that's it, and after everybody's have a few she takes the whole batch, freezes them and locks them deep in the freezer until we're ready to leave and go back home (she gives them back to us then, but not before reading us the looong lecture of making things last and telling us about her childhood in the 1930s and how precious a commodity sugar was for her)

sorry I got derailed there, I think you have every right to make such a rule, you're still your parent's kid, but you're also an advlt who's capable of making rational decisions and realizing what's best for his own daughter. You're daughter will come to terms with that, and so should your parents. Granted I understand your situation, this could potentially damage your relationship with your daughter and your grandparents, give it some time, then call them together and have a nice little sit-down and give the ground-rules on how both your daughter and parents are to act around each other.

you're daughter is lucky to have two living grandparents for one, and both being in such an accessible position. My grandmother lives on the other side of the state and I only see her twice a year. And I'll bet this is ironic as hell, did you ever thing when you were a kid that you'd have to tell your PARENTS to STOP giving candy?

P.S. sorry if anything I say here is insensitive to you. I don't mean to be, but I'm a certifiable idiot so it happens.

You are doing the right thing. If you hold your ground, I think your mother will cave in.

Why so serious?

I actually agree with you, while i may not be a parent myself i am an uncle and a very active part of all my nieces and nephew's lives, if your mom wants to spend time with her granddaughter she can follow your rules as far as sugar intake goes.

Sadly, this isn't the first time I've had to revoke grandparent privileges. My mom has a LONG history of interfering with my parental choices, literally doing everything she can to do the exact opposite of what I want to happen. The last time, I kept Kiara from my mom for nearly a month. She didn't break down the last time(well, not entirely, she was upset, but she didn't back down from her viewpoint), and rather then continue to see my daughter upset that she couldn't see her grandmother, I ended up caving in. This time, I absolutely, 100% refuse to back down. If it takes 2 months, 3, 6, a year, so be it. My family has a major history of A: Obesity. There is only 1 uncle, and 2 aunts in my family(My dad comes from a family of 12) that were not overweight. My grandparents were overweight, my dad is overweight. B: Cancer. Both grandparents died from it, and I've had an aunt diagnosed with it as well. C: Heart Disease. On my biological mothers side(Not the one involved in this), Obesity isn't quite as bad, but Heart Disease and Diabetes and strokes are all very common(both grandparents on that side of the family died from Heart related issues). So, in the end, I have to weigh the benefits of keeping the peace and letting Kiara go over there, versus the benefits of keeping my daughter healthy. I choose my daughters health, pure and simple.

Also, to another poster who mentioned that "You SHOULD be able to have a rational discussion about this with your parents". I laughed, so hard. Then I told that to my wife, who also laughed, even harder. Rational, and my mom, don't go together anymore. She will do things purely out of spite, logic be damned. I tried the rational approach last night. I didn't raise my voice, I wasn't outright mean about it, I was respectful. And In turn I get the "So" remark, and then she tried to turn it around me by accusing me of calling her a bad parent, because what she's doing with Kiara is what she did with me. There, I may have messed up, because I basically said "Yes, You did get it wrong with me. I'm a great person on the inside mom, but all my life I was vastly overweight because you bought and fed me oodles of junk food. I'm diabetic now and I take insulin for it(I'm no longer overweight though, and haven't been for 4 years. Lost 110lbs(293 to 185). She got mad at that, and it broke down after that completely.

Edit: Also, @Manuel. I've tried the heart to heart talk, SEVERAL TIMES in the last 3 years. Every time, My mom agrees to try to withhold all the unwanted opinions on every single thing I do involving my children, and she does...for a week. Then it starts all over again >< Hell, at one point in time, she [censored]ed me out and called me a terrible parent because me and my wife couldn't afford to buy clothes for our daughter for summer time, so we withdrew money that WE OURSELVES put into a bank account for Kiara, and used that to buy her clothes. Yeah...I was pissed on that one. Didn't speak to her for 2 weeks.

No it isn't. If the child was lets say 12 or older, they're able to make their own decisions and should know that, that too much junk food is pretty bad for you.

Seeing that she's 7, now makes it irrelevant.

Your mom sounds ridiculous. If she is the kind of person who is petty enough to refuse something like this out of pure spite I would be watching the kind of stuff your mom is telling your daughter as well. You absolutely did the right thing, and keep it up.

A little spoil here and there is typical grandparent, but that is way beyond spoiling. Right thing to do until your mother sees what she is actually doing...

No, 'fraid it is. It's up to whoever is acting as her parental figure to limit what she can do and eat, regardless of age, and Starwulf's parents are setting no such boundaries.

And children are very capable of making decisions. Serve them a plate of Brussels sprouts, chances are you'll hear a lot of no's.

to make your daughter feel better i'd suggest showing her pictures of children who were spoiled to the point of obesity
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_mWQ72omLwKw/SRw40RMwUlI/AAAAAAAASmY/A63_boG62-Y/s400/maury.bmp

i'd also recommend against having zero sweets in your own home, while it isn't healthy to eat a lot of it, it also isn't good to completely avoid it

Funny example, since that isn't their decision, as it's all up to their genes whether they taste the bitter propylthiouracil. :shifty: