[Tiff Clark]

A thread for sharing smiles and funny thoughts, happenings, jokes, anything that gets you smiling

I was reminded the other day about a sign in our Tank (Bradley Vehicles) simulator when I was in the Army in the late 80's. I was stationed in Northern Germany (Ft. Garlstad) and the sergeant in charge of the "U-COFT" placed a sign on the control board for the simulator:

"Das blinkenlichtgen ist nicht fur der gerfingerpoken!"

It took me a few minutes to stop laughing when I happened to see that sign. It had a few more similar lines, but I forget them now, almost 20 years later. Of course it's not very Germanic, but the pig-german(?) always struck the right chord for me

Hope that hit some of your funny bones. Share some of your own, as we all need more laughter, right?

[Kellymarie Heppell]

I remember when I was about 13 my 5 year old sister was tormenting my 11 year old sister to the point to where she broke out in tears. To this day day I remember when my mom asked my 5 year old sister why she was tormenting her older sister she replied "but mom, I didn't have anything else to do".


I stil laugh about that to this day.

[noa zarfati]

When I was younger.. probably about 13 or 14, I went to the Toronto Auto Show. I was at the Maybach exhibit in particular. If you know anything about cars, you'll know that Maybach vehicles are some of the most expensive out there.

I remember some father and son, maybe 6 or 7 approach the car.

FATHER: My god... look at the interior. Have you ever seen so much wood in your life?

KID: Yeah. In a forest.

FATHER:

Its probably one of those "you'd have to be there" stories, but it still makes me smile to this day.

[Lifee Mccaslin]

great stories, junkie and Mike!

The phrase, "Idle hands are the Devil's playground" popped into my head for some reason

I did get it, Mike, and wasn't even there

[Roisan Sweeney]

Oh my god. I was laughing so hard I literally had tears in my eyes. My god, that was funny.

[maddison]

Twlok humaans walk into a space bar on an astroid in outer space they walk up to the space bartender and ask hiam about any new space news happening around, the space bartender says noip! So they order space drinks called space scotch so the space bartender grabs them twlok space glasses and pours them their space drinks and says there! twlok scotch's the humaans look at the space bartender and says you got our drinks wrong we ordered space scotch not scotch the space bartender says ya we're out of space scotch!.....

see the moral of this story that I tried to turn into a joke is....I ah..cant tell jokes.

[Emilie M]

Well good news and bad news:

Bad news first: My PS4 died right in the middle of The Division.

Good News: GameStop game gave me $150.00 in store credit for my dead system so I bought a 1TB hard drive for my new PS4 (I ain't buying anymore used systems) when I get it on the first.

[Dorian Cozens]

I′m getting a levergun in .22LR and that makes me happy

[Janeth Valenzuela Castelo]

Good try, Pepe I read it all and kept wondering, "Where is this going?" You did get me smiling

Reaper and Mirocu, I can your smiles way over here! Excellent

[~Sylvia~]

oh made you smile did I? Ok wheres my money?


Mobile link
https://m.youtube.com/?#/watch?v=TruXhuAO4IY


Normal link
https://youtube.com/?#/watch?v=TruXhuAO4IY

[Sammygirl500]

The check is in the mail?

[Tiffany Carter]

I know it says somewhere in the rules that we're not allowed to spam threads, but screw it.. everyone's over on the new forum anyway. No one takes the time to look here anyway anymore.



YA HEAR THAT MODS?? i SAID SCREW IT!!!! i'M GONNA SPAM THE HELL OUTTA THIS THREAD!!! BWAA HAA HAA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!







and now for something completely different




Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings wearing horned helmets. Whenever the word "spam" is repeated, they begin singing and/or chanting. A man and his wife enter. The man is played by Eric Idle, the wife is played by Graham Chapman (in drag), and the waitress is played by Terry Jones, also in drag.

Man: You sit here, dear.

Wife: All right.

Man: Morning!

Waitress: Morning!

Man: Well, what've you got?

Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;

Vikings: Spam spam spam spam...

Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...

Vikings: Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!

Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.

Wife: Have you got anything without spam?

Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.

Wife: I don't want ANY spam!

Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?

Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!

Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?

Vikings: Spam spam spam spam... (Crescendo through next few lines...)

Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?

Waitress: Urgghh!

Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!

Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up!

Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.

Wife: I don't like spam!

Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!

Vikings: Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.

Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?

Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)

Vikings: (Singing elaborately...) Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!

..aaand I'm outta here!!

[Suzie Dalziel]

Andy's post made me smile!

[nath]

I'm on vacation visiting my sister in Kansas. She has this white kitten and boy has it been chasing my Boston Terrier and climbing all over me lol .

[Averielle Garcia]

Lots of the Rings joke:


I was at the Prancing Pony drinking Barlimon's best when I accidentally spilled my ale all over a dwarf. He looked at me and said "I am not happy" to which I replied "oh which one are you then?" And after that the fight was on!

[carla]

Spam!

And I thought you'd post a bunch of separate jokes! Once I saw the Monty Python Roll Call, though, I knew where you where you were going. Thanks for the laugh

Reaper, was that a "have to be there" funny? I can visualize the scene and smile

junkie! Can we cross fantasy worlds like that?!?!

[no_excuse]

Oh yeah, her kitten is a rotten little demon lol, and as we speak she's attacking my keyboard and my hands making typing a challenge.

.

[Dale Johnson]

Amy Pond.

[Jay Baby]

Not a huge Dr. Who fan, though I have watched the show a few times. I had to Google poor Amy and now I'm smiling, too! Thanks

[Melis Hristina]

"Bring out thy Royal hand grenade!"


"Thou shall not count two, nor four, but three!"

[N3T4]

I can imagine https://youtu.be/f9F9KzERK8Y?t=69. Hurrah! Dance and make merry!

[Jynx Anthropic]

For vanquishing the Legendary Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh

http://www.sacred-texts.com/neu/mphg/mphg.htm

  ARTHUR:  Have we got bows?
  KNIGHT:  No.
  LAUNCELOT:  We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
  ARTHUR:  Yes, of course!  The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!  'Tis one
      of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him!  Brother Maynard!
      Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
      [singing]
      How does it, uh... how does it work?
  KNIGHT:  I know not, my liege.
  ARTHUR:  Consult the Book of Armaments!
  MAYNARD:  Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
  BROTHER:  "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,
      'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow
      thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.'  And the Lord did grin, and
      people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies,
      and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"
  MAYNARD:  Skip a bit, Brother.
  BROTHER:  "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the
      Holy Pin.  Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.  Three
      shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting
      shalt be three.  Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two,
      excepting that thou then proceed to three.  Five is right out.  Once
      the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou
      thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty
      in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
  MAYNARD:  Amen.
  ALL:  Amen.
  ARTHUR:  Right!  One... two... five!
  KNIGHT:  Three, sir!
  ARTHUR:  Three!
      [boom]

[Phoenix Draven]

Andy, I did not smile. I broke out into a burst of really loud laughter!

[Lisa]

https://www.reddit.com/r/AntiAntiJokes/

Enjoy

[KIng James]

Oh grate [sic]! A whole reddit for smiling