Ever since our creation ,men have all had a unique addiction to power.This addiction caused us to evolve and to create at a rate that had never been seen before. Pretty soon man was building small shelters and tribes which turned to wooden shacks and villages which turned to castles and eventually to large industrial cities. But we soon found out that there were other men and animals who wanted to take our power and use it for themselves. And if there was something we loved more than power it was the measures for which to keep it safe and only to ourselves. And so the first wars were fought in the name of everything from land to god and even simple psychotic rage. But all of these battles where nothing compared to the struggle for power. And eventually once man had created the best and most destructive weapons the struggle for power reached its breaking point and man's self created civilization ended in a purging storm of nuclear fire and irradiated ash.But although man managed to destroy its own civilizations he did not manage to destroy himself for in a final act of self preservation he built small underground cities called vaults and managed to safe guard his survival. And although modern civilization was gone mans addiction still remained and so the struggle for power continues.......... I was one of the lucky ones who's family was spared the purging hells of nuclear fire and was allowed to move into vault 101 I am Andre Condemarin and this is my legend.

It seems that you took alot of this from the first cutscene of fallout 3 and you made two threads!

Indeed. There isnt anything there to review.

Ha ha sorry it was not finished :cryvaultboy: that was just the prologue lol ill have the actual part of the story up as soon as i can!

Part 1: Future imperfect

The life that i lived down in vault 101 was no different than any other child my age. Sure it was boring and some of the work i had to do was hard but like my dad always said at least I was safe. Of course like almost everything else in my life all of this changed. It was morning like any other i had decided to wake up later in the evening due to the fact that i had spent all of last night practicing shooting the targets with my old BB gun with my dad a fact which surprised because he usually spent his nights working late and doing experiments with Jonas. As the hours passed on i noticed that my fathers face seemed some how different he looked at me with more compassion than ever before his eye seemed deep and slightly sunken. He had the look of a man who was longing to relieve himself of something that seemed to be stressing him to the breaking point. I must of asked if he thought some thing was wrong with him almost half a dozen times but each time he replied with a grave no. Anyway i was still in bed when all of the sudden i am shaken awake by my frantic friend Amata. She was shaking and her brown eyes were filled with sorrowful tears i don't think that i had ever seen her so scared or depressed in my life. I quickly assured her that everything was going to be alright and than interrogated her on what had happened. To this day i feel like this was a mistake . As she told me her story I was at a complete loss for words. It was just too much for me to believe and if it had not been Amata who had told me it I would of have surely not of have believed it. It was just so hard for to understand that my dad had simply ran off and to make it worse the over seer's guards had killed Jonas!. I felt as if a thousand burning hot needles had been quickly stabbed into my throat for the first time in years all i wanted to do was cry and let some one else handle things. But i could not i knew what i had to do as tearfully took the 10 milliliter pistol from Amata. I was going to escape and i was willing to kill anyone who would hinder my progress.

biggest tip ever: space things out. Try to look at the other fanfics and see how they'd done it.
also:

That's just one sentence!!! try to shorten it, make 2 or three sentences from this one.

little example:

It was a morning like any other and I had decided to sleep trough most of the day.
I had spent all of last night practicing shooting targets with my old BB gun with my dad.
A fact which surprised me because he usually spent his nights working late or doing experiments with Jonas.

Until now, the story is almost exactly the same as the original Fallout 3 story. Try to make it your own by going a whole different direction.

Good luck!

Indeed. The main plot has been FanFic'ed to death already. AND USE SPACING!

Yeah this is my first fan fic and my first real story so i wanted to start with the main plot. But hey I promise to try to add as many twists as i can to make it better. By the way do you guys mind if i add extra stuff such as more realism or more characters?

Oh yeah and thanks for the suggestions guys i really appreciate Oh and if i get around to makng a new fan fic i will since this is more of a learning process than anything else! I'm only 14 so go a little easy please! And if i do get around to making a new fan fic it is going to be alot more origin also please bear with me on this one I am just gonna try to at least get it over with :brokencomputer:

Age means nothing. I'm 14, most of the best writers on this forum are in the 14-16 range. Also, PLEASE add more realim and more charicters. Thats what your supposed to do.

I would give you a fishy stick, but I lost the link.(Dont ask, its a forum tradition thing)

http://www.uesp.net/w/images/images.new/c/c4/Fishystick.jpg

Thanks Fatal.

Glad to be of service ^^

Sannes, gentle on him. He's new to our forums and not used to how much we like realism here. Give him advice, not just "add more realism." Like good advice would be, "I like how you did so-and-so, but I think you should do so-and-so to Joe."

Give him time, eventually he'll be writing stories that make the TES writers envy him if he tries hard enough. Remember when I started here Sannes, how bad my stuff was (walls of text, bad grammar, unrealistic characters), I only got better, because people gave me more specific criticism. I am not bashing your way of criticizing, but I just think you should try to be more specific. And adding more characters may be a little too much for him at this point in time. Perhaps he should focusing on the Lone Wanderer. Maybe if he decided to add Dogmeat that would be okay, but another human might not.

Hey thanks for the snack! Oh and thanks for everything guys i will try to finish the next chapter and make it more exciting if possible! hope at least one person is still reading this! Oh and why is captain morgan holding a fish stick?

All righty, the main thing I'll say is use paragraphs, they are a handy little writers trick. Hmmm... that was somewhat mean, to put it better, paragraphs don't make it look like a wall of text, try putting blank lines between paragraphs and indenting as well.

Also proofread, I saw some uncapitalized i's. And try to use commas (,) to space things out a bit more, be carefull not to over use them though.

Also, the biggest thing I can say, don't stop writing! Even if you get massive critique posts and what the hell ever, keep writing, thats how you get better.

I know this sounds stupid but how do you double space posts? Sorry im a really lame noob.............. :sadvaultboy:

Part 2: Escape!

As Amata quickly exited the room I started packing anything that may be of any use to me out in the wastes , into both my backpack and my sports bag. I made sure to bring all of the medical supplies that were in my first aid kit, both my buck hunting knife and my Swiss army knife, my lucky baseball bat and most importantly 5 bottles of water and 3 cans of pork and beans. I than left the bedroom only to be greeted by shrill ringing of alarms. It seemed that everything was worse than I could of have possibly thought I quickened my pace only to be stopped dead in my tracks by a very pissed off looking officer Kendall. To my luck a small group of radroaches started attacking him giving me enough time to attack him with my bat. I did not know if he was the one who had killed Jonas but it sure as hell made me feel better to see his broken crumpled up frame on the ground. Slightly disgusted with myself I quickly finished off the radroaches. As i was hurrying along the now completely deserted corridors I was once again delayed by a very frightened Butch.

Butch and his gang the "Tunnel Snakes" had always been some of the nastiest bunch of ass holes this side of the underground fallout shelter. To see him in such a vulnerable state of mind was a sight I thought I would not ever live to see. Butch was a lot of things but easily frightened was not on his list of many many unappealing characteristics. I interrogated him on why he was so scared and to my surprise found out that his mom was being attacked by radroaches and worst of all butch was to deathly afraid of them to do anything about it!

As much as I really despised Butch I was not ready to just stand by and let another innocent person die due to the overseer's madness. I handed him my BB gun and we both went in and hastily killed all the roaches that were endangering his mothers life. In reward he "allowed" me to join the tunnel snakes and gave me his leather jacket I left their apartment as Butch stayed behind and aided his alcoholic mother's radroach bites. As i ran towards my dads medical office to check his computer for any files on what may of have happened to him I was greeted by both Andy the vaults robot butler and Officer Gomez. To my surprise Officer Gomez seemed to be the only security guard in the whole damn vault that had not been brainwashed by the Overseer's [censored]. He let me go and warned that his counter parts may not be as friendly as he was. Luckily for me this just gave me another excuse to kill all of the sons of [censored]es.

As I entered the Vault's Atrium I saw both Tom and Mary Holden arguing over whether to escape the vault. I stood helpless as Tom rashly ran straight into a hail of bullets that the Vault officers guarding the corridor fired at him. Even worse was the fact that Mary ran in right after him only to be put down in the very same way. Enraged by the two murders that i had just witnessed i pulled out the 10 MM pistol and fired at both of the guards yelling out obscenities with every single trigger pull. I relived the guards of their ammo and pistols and hurried forward. I entered the engineering room via a blocked pressure door. Inside I saw the body of the local maintenance worker Floyd Lewis. As I left the room Security chief Lewis tackled me to the ground. As we wrestled on the he pulled out his pistol and was about to finish me off but i luckily pulled out my buck and stabbed him in the head. I nearly passed out as I stabbed the blade into his skull with a sickening crack. I pulled his twitching body mass off of me and continued on my quest.

Now Grave faced and covered in blood I finally got the chance I was waiting for the whole time. Both the Overseer and officer Mack where in the same room together I drew my pistol only to stop dead in my tracks. They where both interrogating Amata on my where-abouts. I knew the Overseer would never allow harm to come to Amata but Wally Mack was a sadistic little [censored]. I could not risk the chance of losing Amata the same way Jonas had died. I rushed into the room and shot a 10 mm slug directly into the bastard Mack's face.

Although he had just witnessed the death of one of his personal guard's the Overseers voice still had its almost tepid quality about it. Seeing as he was not at all afraid of death threats I put the pistol back into its holster and grabbed Officer Macks police baton. LISTEN TO ME YOU PARANOID SON OF A [censored]! IF YOU DO NOT GIVE ME THE ACCESS CODES AND KEYS TO YOUR ROOM I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KILL AMATA AND MAKE YOU WATCH!!!!!!!! I literally screamed at the top of my lungs.His eyes suddenly changed from confident and slightly impressed to full on terrified and angry. As he finally gained the moral to speak up he finally replied by almost silently giving me his code and keys and making a promise to me that if he ever saw me again he would order one of his guards to put a bullet in my back.

As i finally made my way out i made sure to stop by the guard offices and grab 2 Armored security officers suits ( one for both me and Amata), all the ammo i could carry and a second police baton.Once I entered the next room I nearly fell to my knees in sadness. There in plain view was the body of Jonas. In his hand was one final note from dad I put it inside my pip boy and listened with all my heart. Once I had listened to my fathers recording enough times to have it fully memorized i left to my final destination and the point of no return the Vault door. I met up with Amata and flipped the door command switch not caring about what could of and what would of happened if I had not. As the solid steel and lead doors slowly moved agape two of the overseer's guards suddenly ambushed us.

Their batons at the ready they charged me and Amata but i was ready for them. I pulled out my bat and prepared myself for the battle that was to come. I managed to hit the first guard with a luck swing that knocked him out. The second guard farther enraged by his comrade's apparent death blindly swung at me i dodged his blows and managed to get behind him and choke him with my own weapon. As the last guard fell to the ground his neck broken by my vice i finally felt slightly at peace. I held out my hand to the now slightly traumatized Amata but she refused. It turns out she had to stay behind and "talk some sense" into her over zealous father. Although i was saddened to be on my own understood her dilemma . We had one final embrace good bye and I left carrying both my sports bag, my backpack and the heaviest burden of all a heavy heart. I stepped outside the huge steel doors and waved one last good bye to my child hood friend as the gate to my past life closed behind me. What I would see on the other side was not certain but i knew that i had to find my father no matter how many sacrifices had to be made. Later on I would find this fact easier said than done.

Sorry for the last blob of text at the end lol I am writting this at 3;10 am so there was a slight rush. Oh and i just noticed its 2010!! Happy new years guys and gals!

Andre, if you write a text, the best thing to do is go over it at least one more time before posting. Try taking out all the spelling and grammar mistakes, because it's very hard to read if it's full of mistakes. (look zalphon, i put a smiley face to make it more gentle o! and another)

Oh how things have changed...

Kidding of course!

Alrighty, can't say much for the story (seeing how it's somehow very familiar )but I noticed some mistakes that I can be specific about this time around. Oh yeah and great job compared to the first and second posts, just by using paragraphs you made it a hell of alot easier to read. But anyways, Grammer/Spelling mistakes:

you forgot to capitalize a bunch of singular I's you wrote i, which kinda makes your writing look quick and lazy.

I noticed you sometimes put commas and periods with a space before them, leave them right next to the word.

when you wrote relived the gaurds of their ammo I think you meant releived the gaurds of their ammo

Other than that I didn't notice anything big, oh yeah, when your character is shouting try not to use more than one ! it makes it look better (IMO). Nice job though, I was suprised at how much better it was!

Ha ha thanks Guys I think I might just do one more chapter and than maybe start a new more original story.. ...

No, don't start a new one, keep going! Andre, you're doing good, why start a new story? But hey, would you mind commenting on mine since I read/comment on yours?

I agree with Zalphon, keep writing something simple for a start. Use this story to figure out your style, practice grammar, and just generally get better at writing. Wait untill you feel confident in your abilities before starting an original fan-fic, it's alot easier to worry about grammatical errors alone then grammar AND a good story.