I went and got a laptop that can handle Skyrim, but when I try to run the game in offline mode, Steam says "unable to connect to Steam network" (Well duh...I just TOLD it to run in offline mode) - Is there some special procedure I need to go through to set this up so it will work?

Open steam in online mode.

go to File -> Go Offline...

And then restart steam as prompted. I dont know if you still have to, but you might need to have your login info stored for it to work (aka, the checkbox under the login that remembers you).

I laugh my butt off every time I choose to start in offline mode ... as soon as I select that button, the next thing I see is the "connecting to Steam acct..." message.

Is there some part of the word "offline" that Steam gets to redefine?

Steam will periodically try to force itself online to check for Steam updates even if you have no network connection, to circumvent this you can copy a file from your Steam folder and replace it later when Steam wants to force a connection. I used this method once before when my internet was less than reliable, however I do not recall the specific file you need, but a quick Google search should find it for you.

When i run steam in offline mode Skyrim no longer exists in my game list, and i cannot run it from the shortcut. However i can run it if steam logs in once then my net goes offline.

"A file?" that's kinda general..which file do you need to copy out and replace?

HERE'S WHY:

If you have an Ethernet cable (or your network adapter is enabled, not sure about laptop instructions) Steam assumes you are online. Disconnect your cable from the PC or disable the network adapter it will then let you run the game in offline mode. It will still say "connecting to account" but you wont get the message "connection not found" or whatever, it will run the game.

Yeah, it's stupid.