Unbalanced Scales

Post » Thu Nov 11, 2010 3:31 am

Unbalanced Scales

It had been four years since the death of her husband, a whole four years! The solitude which had embodied itself in the widow slowly ate away at any happiness or cheer which she might possess, and left her nothing but a hollow shell. The only part of her husband that the widow had left was little Maria. She was only five, still learning this and that of the world, and oh how cruel it was!

The widow, on a cold winter day, decided to traverse the dark, empty labyrinth of streets that made up the affluent city of Skingrad. Upon her shoulders was a gloomy cloak, and her hair was hidden beneath a gray cap. As aforementioned, the widow was devoid of passion and love, but it was her little Maria that kept her on the brink of Sanity! The child was so much like her father, cheerful and nonchalant.

As the two walked through the snow-filled streets, the child played along, gathering snow and throwing it at the various birds who dared get in the vicinity of the little girl. The widow watched the child, and it seemed like the child was the antithesis of herself, and she questioned her.

“Child, from whom are thou?” The widow asked the child, who played in the snow.

“Silly mother, I am thy little Maria!” The young girl shouted back, her hands in the air. The words would of triggered the emotion of passion, but as I said before, the widow was long devoid of it. She gave off a false smile, to pacify the child of further inquiry of her somberness, and continued to walk alongside her daughter.

The city seemed like a dense forest, and the clouds was it’s canopy. Their blocking of the sun created the illusion that the sun did not shine on that day, but it seeped down, here and there, kissing the snow, creating twinkles of frozen crystals on the streets. The child ran toward the light, making acquaintance, and enticed the sunlight to play a game with her.

Maria was a smart child, and paid close attention to her surroundings.

“Mother, thy sunlight flocks from thou! Watch as I catch it, as it runs from you!” The child yelled, smiling at her mother. A partial ray of sunlight bathed the child, and the mother gave an empty smile.

“Maria, the sunlight does not flock from me! Thou art false, silly girl.” The mother said back, reaching out to the ray of sunlight that lapsed upon the girl’s shoulders. She reached for a handful of light, but as Maria had predicted, the light disappeared as if the clouds refused to give asylum to the widow.

Inquisitively, the little girl pointed to the roof of a domicile. The widow turned her head, to see what the little impish girl was pointing at. A shadowy figure sat upon the roof, almost invisible from the snow that had accumulated in the air.

The widow felt a stinging pain, and fell over. She looked upon her bosom: an arrow had implanted itself inside her heart. She did not expect it to bleed: for her heart had died out long ago…

She did not know for what cruel reason this happened, or why the gods frowned upon the her, but they did. And the little Maria, whom did not understand what happened, called out hopefully:

“Mom?”
User avatar
Lynette Wilson
 
Posts: 3424
Joined: Fri Jul 14, 2006 4:20 pm

Post » Thu Nov 11, 2010 5:08 am

Holy Cow! I may PM you on this story, but here I want to say what an Awesome job you did writing that. I could feel everything the character felt through your detail and descriptions. Wonderful job you did writing this!
User avatar
Vivien
 
Posts: 3530
Joined: Fri Apr 13, 2007 2:47 pm

Post » Thu Nov 11, 2010 11:39 am

Impressive Elite! It was written differently than anything I've read here. Do you enjoy/write poetry? If not I think you should. This story reminded me of Ambrose Bierce. "Bitter Bierce"
Although certainly not as humorous and comedic. Good read!

The only thing I caught was a slight grammar error:

"The city seemed liked a dense forest, and the clouds was it's canopy."

I'm sure you debated with yourself on how to write this sentence out as I have similar problems every now again.
And to add more brooding discomfort let's give it a metaphor.

"The city seemed liked a dense forest and the clouds were it's canopy."

A combination with the word 'and' in this case eliminates the need for a comma. The word 'was' in this useage should be replaced with 'were'.

I really enjoyed this story Elite. You should try more fanfics with this same poetic touch.
User avatar
stacy hamilton
 
Posts: 3354
Joined: Fri Aug 25, 2006 10:03 am

Post » Thu Nov 11, 2010 10:04 am

The only thing I caught was a slight grammar error:

"The city seemed liked a dense forest, and the clouds was it's canopy."

I'm sure you debated with yourself on how to write this sentence out as I have similar problems every now again.
And to add more brooding discomfort let's give it a metaphor.

"The city seemed liked a dense forest and the clouds were it's canopy."

A combination with the word 'and' in this case eliminates the need for a comma. The word 'was' in this useage should be replaced with 'were'.


You are correct. I read that sentence over and over trying to figure out the best way to do it. Thanks for the review.
User avatar
Jesus Duran
 
Posts: 3444
Joined: Wed Aug 15, 2007 12:16 am

Post » Thu Nov 11, 2010 12:22 pm

I'm truly inspired to write something poetic like this. I use to be a forum regular, submitting mostly poetry and daily puns. I think I'll get back into that for the sake of Poe and Frost. (If you catch my drift.)
User avatar
Laura Mclean
 
Posts: 3471
Joined: Mon Oct 30, 2006 12:15 pm


Return to The Elder Scrolls Series Discussion