Unit Info: BoS Lyons Pride "White Berets"

Post » Tue Feb 16, 2010 5:12 am

After the water in the was purifed in the wasteland and the enclave was on the run, the enclave switched to guerriella warfare. launching sporatic attacks on BoS outposts,overunning some.

A Medic in lyons pride named Misao Nacheria who always wore a White Beret with a red cross was at one of these out posts. taken prisoner she was tortured and experimented on. when she somehow busted out of an enclave camp her body was deformed. so deformed that she only had one good hand and could no longer perform her medical duties. so she picked up a .44 magnum, and asked permission to join the frontlines, which was denied. but she secrectly threw together a 10 man assualt team of initates, and started scouting areas,one time on a routine mission she and her squad found a deathclaw base. heavily guarded. the odds were perhaps 10-1. when Misa aimed at the main officer,and took the shot, all hell broke loose,in the confusion the enclave guards scrambled to grab thier weapons and defend. but with gernades,flashbangs,rockets and bullets going everywhere the enclave were so poorly prepared that there was friendly fire. after an hour of fighting with no BoS Casultys The Enclave tried to surrender. but misa showed no mercy and slaughtered them all saying "you show no mercy to those you capture and then expect it?" misa then ordered the deathclaws to be destroyed and returned to the base with information,ammo,weapons and other loot gathered from the raid. Grandmaster Lyons was pleased. he gave her a Paladin rank and a command of the brotherhoods finest, who she all gave White Berets, thus The White Berets were born.

always ready. always deadly. The White Berets of Lyons Pride. Experts at raids and recon.
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David John Hunter
 
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Post » Tue Feb 16, 2010 2:36 am

wow you need to make diffrent paragraphs
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Lady Shocka
 
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Post » Tue Feb 16, 2010 3:51 am

wow you need to make diffrent paragraphs


Um... for something this short, there's no need.


Also, you need to learn when to capitalize at the beginning of every sentence. Add more to it, right now this (sorry to say it) is trash. Your story sounds like a instruction manual or something like that? Use like a word program or something to help you with grammar and spelling. And length is ALWAYS important. It doesn't matter if it's like 8 pages on word, just as long as it has detail, good character development, and another thing. Whenever someone new speaks, it is a new paragraph. The longer the better I say. I suggest totally revamping and reorganizing this story, then come back with more detail, character development and grammar fixed. It seems like it could be a good story, but it needs A LOT of work before it gets to that point.
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Sarah Unwin
 
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