I could, but I'm not even going to defend myself. Just know ther'll be improvements.

Chapter 7: Frantic

My gun was so tight in my hand it hurt. I looked down at my bedraggled knuckles. They were to old and jaded to show discoloration, but it felt like my bone would tear out of what's left of my skin any second. I took a deep breath, stalling. I knew that even with all my experience, there was a good chance I would die trying to kill that bastard Dead Eye. Ahead of me there we're men shouting and I heard faint footsteps. It seemed the footsteps were heading in the right direction, heading closer. I laid myself against the wall and readied my weapon. Slowly, I edged my old beady eyes out and looked down the hall, then snapped my head back. There were five or six doors and 3 baddies.

I took a deep breath, but it was shakier than I wanted it to be.

F*** it.

My gun came out first, followed by face. The little group hadn't even noticed me yet until I popped the fist two shots at the closest one's face. After that I shot three into the second one's chest. I pulled back and reloaded. I had figured I'd get done reloading before the last guy got to me. I miscalculated. My hands were fast but when I popped back out his face was in front of my barrel. Before I could overcome my shock he side stepped out of the way of my bullet and slammed my face into the wall hard. I swung an elbow back and I felt my my elbow bone slam into his teeth. In mid-blow, head still ringing, I extended my arm all the way around so my gun would butt in in his temple. Apparently it didn't need to because he fell down, unconscious.

After he was down the pain sunk in. I mean it REALLY sunk in. My head was spinning and my nose felt like someone exploded a cherry bomb in it. After ten or so seconds of recuperation, I ambled on over to the end of the hall, taking care not to look at what's in those rooms. I remembered the way to Dead Eye's den, so it didn't take too long to get there. Soon I reached a double door that was made out of old mahogany. Another deep breath. I braced as I opened the door and the first thing I saw...was a dead eye.

Aww [censored]

interesting device to tell such a tale of ghoulish revenge.

This is good. The action in well written, clear, easy to understand. (Except the next to last paragraph when the main character gets a bone in the mouth. I think some of the possessive pronouns got mixed up but I knew what you meant.) Action's hard to write well because if skip over something, your reader is lost but if you go on too long,the reader gets bored. This has the right mix . I noticed the spelling improvements and closer scrutiny of detail. Can't wait for the showdown with Dead-Eye!

Well, that was much better.

Spitt pretty much has this covered.

But I though I offered my two piece as well.

One thing really pissed me off.



I believe you know what is the problem here.

Other than that, which is mostly a personal problem,

You did good.

Sorry, it slipped. Before these forums all I used was numbers, but I changed it, for you man. Anyway, I'll have the new one up either tonight or tomorrow depending on how rude my dad is. :wink_smile:

Chapter 8: Dead Eyes and Death

ALl I saw was his eye, and after I saw it, I found that I couldn't move my eyes away. For this eye wasn't his eye, and it didn't just belong to any person. The eye that he claimed as his, the eye that is in his socket, belonged to a man as evil as Dead Eye himself. When I looked directly at his eye, I saw death. I saw the antipodal of penance. It was mercilessness. It was the epitome of fear, the peak of madness.

It was clawing at me soul, tarnishing it, corrupting it. How is he doing it? I feel...I feel so....evil. It took all I had to not drop to my knees. I diverted my eyes from his, but the feeling was still there, the knawing to be deviant. The compulsion to be a killer of innocents. Then he began to talk, his voice like black ice grinding against my heart. It was cold.

"I see you have come back. Tsk tsk, why do you disobey me? I had simple rules with plentiful rewards. Such insupbordination was, and is not necessary."

I began to shiver, my heart got cold, my bones began to shiver. I was losing control. Pfft, what control? By this time I was on the ground, yet again helpless and weak. I was crunched up into a ball and I couldn't stop shaking. As long as he kept talking, there was no hope for me.

"...so now, since you can no longer be truste, I must do away with you...I suppose I could skin your face and then use your skull to decorate my walls."

He smiled, baring his too sharp teeth.

" But don't think you get the pleasure of dying first, no...you'll die from the pain...eventually."


Chickling to himself, he walked away towards an area behind his chair, apparently looking for a knife. While he was rummaging through what looked like a toolbox, I thought about my life, all 217 years of it. Besides the first 17, it was a waste of time. And when you factor in what happened in those 17 years before the bombs, that was [censored] too. Then I thought about her. Jesse. I remembered her smile, and her smooth skin as I remembered what it felt like to caress her cheek. It was so long ago. Then I remebered why I was here. I was here because I am looking for her. However ghoulified she may be over the past 200 years, she might still be there, and I'm not [censored]ing out on her again.

One tear escaped my dry, pale eyes and rolled down the bridge of my nose to the floor. I forgot what a tear felt like. That one tear was all it took to rise up. To gathere the strength I knew I had to have, and kill the son of a [censored].

I rose to my feet, mind set on getting the [censored] outta here, and there he was. He was watching me the whole time. He saw me shed a tear... well now he really has to die.

"That eye of yours is really something. But I can't let you get away with seeing me all....vulnerable."

I grimaced as I said it, tried to look really disgusted with myself.

"So now, I have o kill you instead."

He ried to look dead at me, but I was ready for it this time. Instead I focused on his good eye as he said. "Just try."

He then ran at me with astonishing speed and attempted a swipe for my neck. If I didn't have 200+ years of experience, I would have been done, but I dived out to the ground and fired off three shots. He was moving so fast that the bullets all missed. Hell, it looked like it went right through him. I rolled to my feet once again and blitzed him, shooting while running. He effortlessly sidestepped and then came at me with his own weapon. It got me in the shoulder, behind me collarbone. I flinched as I felt it ease its way past my leather armor and into my flesh. I cried out in pain,and fell to my knees. hoping he would take the bait. I loosened the grip on my gun and tried hard to look helpless.

He took it.

He walked around and faced me, eyes sparkling nowe that he's won the hunt. Without speaking he pulled out the knife and then kicked me to the ground. Then he trodded to my face and squatted to my ear and said. "I win."

Then I took the chance and raised my pistol to his eye. His dead eye. Then I fired. Then his other eye. Then his face. Then again, and again, and again.

Finally I rose to my feet and began to exit the chamber. Dead Eye was dead.

(Sorry if it svcks a lil bit i was rushed into the last bit.)

Is your character one of those people who says "me" instead of "my". Apart from that, it's good .

I likee. I'm a little disappointed that there isn't more, but I know you said you were rushed. One nitpicky point, there's a spot in the story where you put in parenthesis that he is a ghoul. I think you can omit this, its understood that he is a ghoul. Really fun story, I hope there's more to come. :thumbsup:

dang i just had me a chapter and my page backspaced. Now i don't even want to make one. Actually I'm even thinking ditch this for another, but I wan't to be known for finishing what I start. What you guy's think?

Finishing what you started would certainly be awesome. I have never finished a fanfic, dropping them quarter way for some thing I drop quarter way. I personally don't like that and like to encourage others to finish what there doing. But if you don't really have motivation to write a new chapter and you have a couple chapters of a story you want to try out. Go ahead. My only advice is that you don't drop this one until you have written a couple chapters in Word and let it sit for a day or two. Would have saved me a lot of time.

Would you like to pass control of Marcus to me?

Well i'm glad someone sees the potential in my work but I want to be able to say I finished my frst fan-fic. On the other hand I believe that if you can tell It better than you should do it. How about we work out somehthing, maybe chapter by chapter or...you could control a second character that I can tie in to the next chapter. Let me know what your open to.

It's tough when your unmotivated to finish a project. I for one was curious about where you were going to take the story but if your bored with it, it's best to let it go for awhile. Sometimes really good ideas come to me if I put a project down for some time then pick it up. You might want to work this story later. In the meantime, if you have another project in mind and are motivated to work on that ,I say go for what has you excited and interested. Are there rules on these forums about how many stories you can post?

One fanfic and one RP at a time. And once again Ant, you can go ahead and ditch this for another one if your bored with it. I've done that frequently, but I would feel so much better if I had actually finished something.

I have made my desicion to finish this (albeit a little earlier than previously expected). There will probably be three more detailed chapters (one of which will be uploaded tonight) till the end if this fanfic. After which I will introduce a new prelude into this world of forums. I hope you guys are as excited as I am rejuvinated.

NOTE: for the past few days all of my posts and reads have been done on an IPOD; god bless me... And becaue i love you so much I am rewriting the next chalter on this gotdamn touchscreen keypad for your entertainment (also for my personal self-motivation). Thanks everyone.

Chapter 9: Back on Track

I stopped and looked in front of me. At last I was facing the door I once faced, except this time was the last. Without much thought, I opened the door and walked through the dark hall that led to a moonlit ladder. Quickly, I advanced to the ladder, now eager to finally escape this hell. To make it back to the world I know. After a short climb up the ladder I reached the bottom of a manhole. I lifted it and poked my head into the open.

It was a simple city block lined with a buch of meaningless buildings. Like the rest of the city, this block was littered with old, dead cars and old, dead bodies. Skeletons of those who didn't make it to safety in time. I remember before the bombs dropped. Back when the cars moved on their own engines and pedestrians walked the streets in their pre-war outfits. I also remember when the bombs fell. When everyone was scrambling for safety they would never reach. I remember her face when I left her to save my own skin. Now I don't have skin.

The thought of her brought me back to the urgency of the situation. I hauled myself out of the manhole and headed to the end of the block. On the way to the end I ran into a few goons with guns. Before I was even concious of it my weapon was out. Two centuries of fighting made my subconcious always alert. I aimed but I didn't fire my weapon, they might know where the Statesman is. It's a far strech, but so are one-eyed, head hoarding maniacs.

F--k it

My walk sped to a jog as I reached the man leading the line. I figured he was the leaders so I addressed him.

"Where y'all headed?"

"Where headed to a place called Underworld...who's asking?"

"Dont worry 'bout who's asking; do you know how to get to the Statesman?"

He looked at me like he was trying to figure me out. Then he said, now firmly:

"Listen, I've been down that alley, and there's no way to get into the Statesman. The doors aren't exactly...operational. My crew and I are going to Underworldvnow to speak with Reilly."

I've heard that place before, I thought, but I've never been.

"Where is it?" I asked out loud.

"Well it's only the safest place for ghouls on this side of D.C. I'd think someone looking like you would know that."

I just stared at him, not sure if I should punch him or shoot him. This guy was just another bigot. They're scattered all over D.C., but every time I hear an insult I have to remind myself what I look like.

He noticed the anger that was revealing on my face Nd immediately switched tones.

"Hey, hey I didn't mean anything by that guy. I ain't no bigot, I just was using some wasteland humor. "

He pushed back his shoulders and raised his hands over his chest, as if to stress his innocence. Come to think of it the boy looked young. Hell, the whole squad looked young, the oldest there being no older than mid twenties.

"Let me introduce myself, My names Floyd. " he said gesturing to himself. Then he looked behind him at his gruop of men.

"This is my crew...and we're the Wasteland's Finest."

I scoffed. "Is that your name?" this time I was the one suppressing a laugh.

"Look, just let me know where Underworld is."

He looked out into the distance, placing his hand over his brow, trying to focus.

"It's over at the Museum of History, by the Super Mutant bunker."

Well ain't that just peachy...

A few minutes later we managed to sneak past those thick green skulls of theirs. We came up upon a girl who patrolled the outer entrance, except she sure wasn't a girl. This woman looked older than me! Her skin was radiated a red color and it was a miracle her chest even had definition anymore--I'd hate to see what she looked like naked. But hen again, ghouls can't be choosers.

Anyway we made it to her and after a short discussion between her and Floyd, I said a quick, dismissive hello and continued into the museum.

The entrance contained two enormous figures--one being a wooly mammoth, the other being a toppled dinosaur. We made our way throuh the bits and Leicester of it and came to a door surrounded by a stone engraving of a large skull. I didn't need to see he name to know it was Underworld.

As we proceeded into the makeshift city, I had no idea this place would have so much impact on the rest of my life. More importantly, I had no idea I was in the same place as my one true love.

Day 6

I was thinking more along the lines of taking over and keeping the fanfic alive until your interest in the story comes back but this way looks like it'll work better, having one consistent writer and all.

Good for you for wanting to finish what you started. As Yttrium has mentioned, it's hard to do that when another project captures your attention. The effort to complete this story is appreciated.

As for this chapter, I don't have much for you other than it seemed like one of those "set up" chapters where you're trying to get the reader to the next scene. That's neither good or bad, just short and mostly uninteresting, (except imagining Willow or Tulip or whatever her name was naked IS something of a visual. I am reminded of 'the old lady in the bathtub ' scene in "The Shining".) There is a sense of urgency to it, almost as if you're trying to hurry the story along so you can do something else.
Just know that everything, EVERYTHING, will show up in your writing. :whistling:

I want to see more of what you can do, whether it's the completion of this story, or the start of another. :mellow:

You want me to magnify my effort then. You're saying that what you request if for me to go above and beyond par for chapters. I see... :unsure2: :user: :toughninja:

Chapter 10: No Words

The place was pretty elegant for a zombie headquarters.

As soon as I came in I noticed two enormous granite pillars which bordered symmetrical staircases. In the middle ( the obvious focus point of the city) there was a large obelisk of people climbing to the top. From what I pieced together the people were ghouls and they were trying to climb upwards. Maybe climbing towards civilization, climbing out of the safe underworld that was this now god forsaken museum.

Before I could make a detailed autopsy of the sculpture this ugly ass guy in a jumpsuit came up to us. I always had a peeve about people addressing me before I could get comfortable, but I didn't let it show. I didn't want to burn any bridges yet, even if they were ugly bridges.

"Well, well, well. We've got us some more smoothskin visitors! I wonder what brought you fellas here to this irradiated cesspool. Was it Reilly? After all that would be the only reason a smoothskin would come into this place."

Floyd blushed slightly and gave a rebuttal of his own, but I wasn't here for that [censored]. I just wanted to find Reilly.

"Hey janitor, where's that dude Reilly at?"

The discussion between the two stopped and all eyes were suddenly on me. All faces black except for the ghoul, who's face showed only a tinge of hurt. He quickly recognized his flaw, and played it off with a more heartless expression.

"Over at the back, behind the doors that say 'The Chop Shop'.


Once in the shop the first thing that caught my eye was the vomit colored glow in the back of the room behind a thick wall of glass. It was a glowing one. I've only seen few of these before, but I dismissed it when I realized it presented no threat. There would be more time to marvel about it later. So I continued walking towards the only other ghoul in the room with a working brain. She was over by an infirmary looking at some X-Rays of body parts. I figured she'd know where this Reilly girl is and what she's doing here. I assumed she was a female -- judging by the long tussles of red hair, so I addressed her accordingly:

"Excuse me miss, I'm looking for Reilly?"

"Why, yes she right over--"

That's when she turned and we met each other face to face. And when I saw her face, I froze. I saw past the deteriorated skin and looked her directly into her eyes. She had the same eyes. She was the girl I've been waiting for. The girls who's face I remembered every time I went to sleep. Her eyes...they were always a magnificent sapphire. It made we want to strip naked and go swimming in them forever. But this time, when I looked into her eyes, the water was murky. Tinged by the death and destruction and mercilessness of life. But most of all, her eyes held hurt and despair, it was tainted by heartbreak, and that was enough to bring tears to me eyes.

As I reached for her, her face slowly contorted into disgust. Then she reeled back her left hand and thrust it forward into my face. Not only were my tears wiped clean off, but so was some of my skin. After the arm followed through and my head lost the backwards momentum, I brought it back to her eyes again. No words were needed to bring home how she felt. I already understood why she struck me, and I deserved it; but then as suddenly as it started, her face melted into sadness and she collapsed into my arms. There we stayed...for how long, I'm not sure. It didn't matter...I wanted to hold her forever.

ILY


Not the end of the chapter, and idk if I should have finished there but hey.

One minor problem, behind a thin wall, good to see Marcus may get a happily ever after

its not over

Okay. Not bad. I guess Spitt had Chapter Nine covered, and if you wrote that all on your Ipod, that's pretty impressive.

For this chapter, really minor stuff.


I believe a better word be irradiated. But technically, they both can work



Thick wall of glass. I would believe. But I guess thin works to.



That sounds so weird. I would try head instead of face.

Also I would break the last paragraph into two smaller ones.

So would find the lack of action recently to be a bit of a bore. But I'm okay with it. The fact he found who he was looking for was nice, and I really do not see how you continue on, so I guess your going to surprise me. Keep up the good work.

*Sorry if this svcked. I'm running low on creative juices at the moment.

Nice story mate! Mistakes here and there which have already been pointed out, no chapter is perfect (especially chapter 3 in my FF!). I really like the dialogue in this, I think it's the best part of the FF and then the action. I'm making a promise to all those who have read my FF and gave me tips, that I'll read your FF and give you some tips .

Keep going with the story man! Oh yeah and thanks to Yttrium and Spittoonist for giving all the help you can to nearly every FF!