NOTE:This is an edit. I noticed that the first chap should have been brought here a while ago, but light bulb moments don't come when you want them all the time.

Foreword and Then Some:
Hey all this is pretty much a fanfic for you guys. Firstly, if anyone has any guidelines that I should have to follow please do tell. The most important question is am I allowed to write swears. Also if you guys have a better Title for my entries, lemme know because Wastelander Named Marcus sounds a little bland. Otherwise, enjoy!

Chapter 1: Helluva Intro

She always wants bubble gum... I never did know what it was with girls and bubble gum, but what Jesse wants, she gets. After all shes the only thing I care about. We were on the cafeteria level in the Statesman Hotel and I was just getting comfy when she asked me to buy some bubblegum.
"Sure babe, anything for you."I said. We spent the rest of the day eating and laughing. Its crazy how she always makes me happy, no matter what mood I'm in.
"Well sugar, I've got somewhere to be so do you want a ride home?" She shook her head and smiled. Apparently, she had somewhere to go to so her friends would pick her up.
" Okay then I'm gonna see you tomorrow...I love you."

That's when I really woke up. I opened my eyes and looked around. Blackness. It must be early morning before the sun has risen. I turned on the lamplight and surveyed the scene. I was in an empty truck that was on it's side. All I had in it was some metal boxes, a bed, and some bodies. Super Mutants who found me last night. Well, better get them outta here before they start to stink up my house. But as soon as i sat up I felt a sharp pain in my ribs. That damn sledgehammer did a number on me, I thought. I felt myself and came up with two broken, one fractured. Good thing I got a couple stims. I fished one out from under the bed and injected it. Ahh much better. After removing those green turds I suited up, Hunting Rifle with 4 in the cage and 7 left over from yesterdays scraps. 11 bullets. Plus the sledge hammer from that green bastard.

Left out into the world, as I do everyday, thinking about my life, and more importantly, that dream. It's the same dream every damn night. The day I spent with Jesse, the day before the bombs, the day before she died. The day before I died. Its been 200 years since that day, and I've been having that same dream every night. I guess by now you've figured I'm a Ghoul. Except I'm not. The only reason my skin is still somewhat intact is because of my mother. She was a scientist and I was always more of a test dummy than a son to her. She raised me on chemicals and Rad-X. So I guess you could say I'm a druggie, but not by choice. Anyway, because of the experiments, I became sort of a superhuman. High radiation and damage resistance. I also became slightly stronger and faster then most people, but because of all this. My childhood wasn't easy. I was enrolled in a school, Springvale, but hardly ever came due to more tests. The days I did come, I looked more Ghoul than human. After all that, I don't know weather to thank her or hate her. Either way, I can't change the past. I just stuck here, 200 years after the fact, waiting to finally stop having to live, since there isn't anything to live for.

A loud gutteral screech jolted me outta my thoughts and into action. My experience with enemies told me it was a feral. But in daylight? There must be tunnels nearby I thought as I fired into the ferals leg to slow him down. The bullet entered his leg as he grasped it in pain. Then I popped one in his head while he was doubled over. I was just about to keep moving when I heard a scream. Then I head gunshots, Chinese Assault Rifle bullets. There's someone in there. He's probably gonna die without some help. I waited, deciding. To hell with the person, but I need his weapon... my rifle is almost useless now and with that weapon, I know I have a much better chance against those Super Mutants. But I don't want to go in the dark. I promised myself I won't go in the dark again. Not again.

Another scream. This one more bloodcurdling than the last. Then a thump as the body hit the ground. Followed shortly by pulling and tearing at skin. I walked away. The ferals won. If I had went in, I could have saved him, or even better, took his weapon and ammo, but I couldn't go back into the dark. Not after that night. I will never go back into the dark. I kept walking ahead. Past the sounds, past the tunnels, past the past. The sun was in the sky now, it must be dusk. There would be more to kill, more to take, but helping the man went against the one rule I had.

Never enter the darkness

Day 1 Here it is in a whole nother thread to avoid confusion

Chapter 2

Here we go again...

I looked around. All in all, there were about 4 super mutants, two of which had weapons, and a centaur. I checked my rifle, nine bullets left. The only thing between them and me was a cinder-block on the road.Well, I thought, here goes nothing. I took the first two shots on the greenest one's hand to make him drop his weapon, then three at his head, then reloaded. Four bullets left. One of the centaurs were closing in. I popped up and put one more in the mutants face to put him down and emptied the rest on the other mutants head. He must've been hurt already from a previous battle because he went down. The centaur was only feet away from by now, so u pulled out the sledgehammer and whacked him in the face. The force of the swing thankfully sent him reeling backwards as he fell to the ground. I pounced on the opportunity and finished him off while he was on the ground.

Then I felt waves of pain shoot from my shoulder through my whole left side as I flew to the ground. Huh? What? I said to myself dazed. The Super Mutant! It dawned on me that I gave him enough time to sneak a shot in. Novice mistake. He lifted the axe above his head with both hands, then threw it down with all his might. I rolled out of the way as the bat slammed into the tar. I got up and swung against his lead arm, hoping the force would knock his weapon out of his hand. It didn't. He swung back, this time really pissed. Dodged it, barely. I knew that I wouldn't win this easily. Then I remembered the other two mutants with assault rifles. I ran and picked up the first one I found, then emptied the clip on him, eight bullets. Damn I reached out and grabbed the first clip I could and then got up and loaded it. The big guy was aiming for another swing at me. Finally, I got it cocked and emptied on him.

The good news, he was down, the bad news, on me. A landed on the floor with a thud followed immediately by the 300 pound heap of green meat.

"Ahh [censored]" I said. This would be a task.

A couple minutes and a few swears later, I was up and ready to loot. After I was done, I tallied my score: forty 5.56mm rounds, a few stimpacks, and 24 caps. Not bad for a fella like me. I got up and began walking. Up in the distance I saw a bridge that I could probably pillage. After a bit of trekking, I came upon a rusty old shantytown composed of a few metal made shacks. Wasn't much but seemed efficient enough. I saw a man who seemed to be in charge judging by his gun. I approached him with as pleasant a smile my beaten, grimy face could manage. "Hello, I'm just wondering. Is there a vacant place available?"

"Vacant?" He said. "What the hell kinda word is vacant? What you mean empty? Yeah, we got one in the back. That'll be 50 caps for the night, every night after is 75."

Thank you kindly my good man." I said as I counted his caps out and handed them to him.

The back house wasn't much more than a twin-sized bed with a dresser and fridge, but it would do for the night. I began to lay down on the bed when I saw something poking out the bottom. I reached for it and then realized it was a radio. I haven't had me one of these I a while, I muttered to myself. I played around with the channels until I heard something that peaked my interest. It was a distress message, something about some fellas getting stuck in the Statesman Hotel. As soon as I heard the name, her face came up in my head. Could she possibly be there still, after all these years? Could it be that I could see her face again? Or at least find out what happened to her? I went to sleep that night with a new resolve, with a new purpose.

My life has a purpose.

Day 2

P.S. PLEASE COMMENT. Thanks to Yttrium for the help. Also special thanks to Sannes, Zalphon, and RobCo Empleyee even though you guys haven't commented on mines, i trasure your words just the same.

Don't make a new thread for each chapter, just post the chapter in the same thread, like you were doing. If you really want to avoid confusion(which there really was none) make a table of contents that links to each chapter in that topic. But you really don't have to do that, it's not that confusing. So either continue your in this topic or the last one, but don't make a new topic for each chapter, ok?

oh ok. i did this because after a day nobody replied to the one on the first forum one. wlll thanks anyway and i didnt get any comment on how it read either.

Comments won't come quickly, I don't know if you noticed, but there's not that many people here. And some people may read it, but not want to comment on it. So getting a comment could take days, weeks. Just keep making your chapters and you'll be more likely to receive comments.





Should be four, you could also write out twenty-four.

Another thing is how many head shots your guy is making. It reminds of VATS so leaving it like that will be fine, it makes it more fallout like. But if your going for realism, aiming for the center of the mass is your best bet. Either way it's fine, just thought I should let you know though.

Also, the battle itself was a tad bit confusing. When the guy shot one of mutants in the head three times I thought he was dead, but he wasn't. Try adding more detail to avoid confusion



It would have saved some frustration if it read something like this:

I squeezed two shots off, aiming for hand of a weapon wielding one. The pain made him drop his gun and clutch his wounded hand, howling. I took this opportunity to quickly fire off three more rounds at his head. The bastard still wasn't down, super mutant skulls are notoriously thick. I ducked behind my cover, reloading my weapons, I only had four bullets left. I could hear the flesh slapping on tar sound as a centaur approached.

Of course I'm just using this as an example.

Another confusing part was:



Huh? Did it morph?

Other than that it had a very good fallout feel to it.

my bad for the errors wrote it at 3 suum. thanks for commenting and critiquing. Actually The Rarest Color was the first topic i read here. Anyway the guy is making headshots so much because hes like 200 years old. hes been alive since before the war remember.

You should make it evident that he spent a good portion of his 200 years training with weapons in some manner.

You could live 5,000 years and still be a horrid shot if you didn't get some damn good training. It would take an expert marksman to make headshots that quickly and accurately especially in open ground during the day.

There was this special on Nat Geo about Navy Seals (i think it was) and their ability to shoot. Their most awarded soldier held off a Viet Cong attack in the middle of the night by scoping them in night vision, but that was only possible because it was a choke point and they couldn't tell where he was coming from...plus they were in a river so they couldn't really run away too quick.

It's a small criticism really and can be neutralized with some details about how this character became so proficient with his gun.

thanks, i have an idea

Chapter 3: Friend or Foe


I woke up to an explosion.

Why am I not surprised?

I quickly got up and grabbed my assault rifle then rushed through the door and into the chaos.

There were raider's everywhere. I counted eight in all, one had a frag and another had a laser rifle. Wonder where he got that I thought as I got off two shots at the one with the frags, taking him down. As I scurried to the next makeshift cover, I tripped over a body. It was a man who looked to be in hiis forties. His face was in a permanent howl of pain, I shook his portrait out of my memory as I searched him quickly for anything of use. Swiftly my hands ran down his body and then hit a bump in one of his pockets. I pulled out a stash of pre-war dollars with a note. Hurriedly now I stuffed them in a pocket of mines as some of my cover was chipped off by a bullet from one of those clowns. Peeking over the edge, I saw there were four left. There were eight to begin with but while I was down, three more of them were taken down by whats left of the resistance, a man and a woman both wearing leather armor. I came up shooting and sprayed my whole clip on four that were left. They all fell down, suddenly lifeless, but not before on of their shots escaped into the woman's neck. Lucky shot.

More like unlucky.

She crumpled by the other man's feet, gasping for air. I ran over to her, stimpack in hand, but the guy was already on it. Without hesitation, he jammed the needle into the side of the neck that wasn't soaked with blood, and waited. But it was too late, she was done for. He stood up and looked at me with grief stained eyes. I tried my best to look sympathetic but I've seem too many people die in my life.

"Sorry about than man, you tried your best," I said.

"[censored] it, she's gone now. No need for the pleasantries....she was a good woman, my woman."

"Like I said sorry." I was about to walk away when I thought about something, he might know how to get to the city, so I asked him, "Where were you guys headed?"

"We were headed back to our house in D.C. Thought we'd stop here for the night." Even as he was talking, he was still looking at her. It seemed like he missed her already.

"The names Marcus," I offered my hand, he shook it. "Yours?"

"Sam. Sam Hoffman."

"Well listen Sam, I'm headed over to Washington now, and it looks like you could use a hand." I began to walk away, ready for him to reply with the same question they all do.

"What's in it for me?" He said, suspiciously. Apparently the loss of his loved one hasn't deprived him of his common sense. Without missing a beat, I replied, "You won't die."


It was midday in the Wasteland, so we had ourselves a few hours of trekking before we would reach the city borders. Now that I've got a compass, all I need is to lessen the gap between me, and the Statesman, but I could tell by the howling of the dogs in the distance that this would be a long journey.

Eyes wide will keep you alive, close your eyes when you're ready to die.

Day 3

Hey, that's not too bad.



That's kind of specific, I would say something like; around forty or middle-aged



That number part right there was a tad bit confusing. I would change that first four into a seven. Also, I hope you know, that spraying your assault rifle would really just be a waste of ammo. Probably only the first two or three shots would go where you want, the rest would likely miss. Some people might complain about the length also, it a little short compare to some other stuff. It also seems like you forgot to put Day 3 at the bottom.

Waiting for your next installment.

thank you again for your harsh criticism and i even got a little praise there. woot. but i edited the paragraph about how many there were left, hope that clears confusion. As far as length i get it from andre c which is a bad idea because hes a beginner like me. i will make the next longer though.

Chapter 4: Team Chemistry

"So where were you coming from Sam?"

"Well, we were coming from a place called Tenpenny Tower. I was looking for a job, and she wanted a better place. 'For safety reasons' she said." He chuckled, then looked down, rough face now sddenly compassionate.

"Listen, I know what it feels like to have lost someone too...A long time ago, I had a gal...Jesse was her name. She was my world. I loved her more than I did my parents. I don't know where she is now. I thought she was dead but this new mission I heard about...it's at the Statesman Hotel...she might be there."

"Marcus, I've heard of that place, and the only thing there are Super Mutants. Going in there would just get you killed."

I looked off into the distance, some buidling's were up ahead. City building perhaps. Hopefully, my feet were beginning to hurt.

"Yeah, well I've got a bit of a chip on my shoulder so don't you worry 'bout me. Plus, on the radio signal, they said
I would get paid."

"Alright man..your funeral..." he trailed off. Was he trying to annoy me? If so then it was working.

"Look dammit, I told you I could do it, I'm not walking with you just so we can argue."

"Calm down man, just chill--"

It was at that moment, when I heard it. I've only faced one before in my whole life. The same scream, it shot terror through your spine and made the best of men into [censored]es. I turned around and the first thing I saw were the claws.The huge, menacing claws. I know if they hit me, i would be done for. Then the teeth, capable of ripping through skin like paper. Then those eyes..those eys penetrate through the souls of men. They breed evil. Death. Quickly I pullled our my rifle, barrel aimed at the things chest, then fired short packages of heat at his chest. It seemed the bullets did nothin because he was closing the distance between us as fast as ever. I emptied whats left of my clip on him as did Sam. Thankfully, our combination of fire was enough to keep the Deaathclaw confused, but only for a while. We both siezed the opportunity and fired at his legs in an effort to slow him down. Amazingly he wasn't dead, but he was definately close. We kept the pressure on him until funally he toppled over.

"You ok?"

"Yeah."

"Good job out there."

"Thanks."

At that moment, we both knew that we just saved each others lives, and because of that, there was no need for bickering. Once you save somone's lives , you earn their trust.

I looked towards the building's I noticed earlier, adrenaline beginning to lower.

"Thats the city there?"

"Yeah, lets go."

As we both started running I figured we both knew to get into the city as quick as possible. Neither of us wanted to run into another enemy like that. We ran into the city and started naviagating the blocks, detouring around the piles of rubble here and there. We were both tired and hot, and we knew we would have to stop soon (and I hate traveling by night). I was the first to bring it up.

"Sam, we need somwhere to stop for the night, I'm tired as hell."

"Don't look at me I knew where the Stateman is, not much else."

I looked around and found a house stable enough to not kill us and kicked the door down. After quickly dispatching a few radroaches here and there, I sat my tired ass down on a sofa, while Sam found a dusty matress. I was about ready to clock out when Sam started.

"Hey Marcus check out what I found at Tennpenny. Stole it from one of he security guards rooms." He pulled out from his bag an old rusty bear trap.

"Damn, man. What made you get that."

"Well you never know, I figure these things to a good joob catching me in the metro tunnels, they would catch a raider."

After he set it, we both pitched in for the night. As for tomorrow... tomorrow we get down to business.

The only time your not miserable is when your unconsious


Day 4

coming along nicely but I agree that some parts are a bit confusing

post has been deleted

First off, it would've been better if you just copied the original post and then pasted, instead of replying. Or better yet, just editing it in.




I understand you where trying to make it drawn out, but it would read better if you just put as So followed by a comma.



You mean:

suddenly compassionate


Looks like a "g" ran off there.



It's either Hopeful or Hopefully


That reads a little weird, maybe something like:

I quickly drew out my rifle, barrel aimed at the things chest. Bursts of gunfire erupted from the barrel and sunk into him. He shrugged it off and quickly began closing the distance.



Deathclaw Confused.



I have no idea what possibly could be behind that censor tag.


navigating, piles



On.

I liked it, and the length is fine. It still seems a little short, but I don't mind. Keep it up.

thanks again but as for small problems, are you telling me because you want me to edit it?

And good sh*t was what was behind the tag. Slang in my area.

Yep.

post has been deleted.

Chapter 5: Captive

The reason I woke up was beacuse there was someone in my room. He was screaming, and as soon as I heard it I knew I was in trouble. Seems the bear trap that Sam placed did a good job. He was screaming in agony, hand on the claws of the trap in a desperate, hopeless attempt to free himselff it's clutches. I put him out of his misery with a bullet to the skull. His head snapped back, followed by his body into the floor. There was a thud as he hit the floor... followed by another series of thuds. But these were coming from the stairs.
Awww [censored] there's more.

I knew I couldn't kill them all, but I figured the more I take down now, the less there would be when I escaped, wherever they take me. I looked over at Sam, he nodded, obviously scared. We both were. The footsteps came closer and closer, louder and louder. I aimed my weapon and held my breath. He turned and almost tripped over his comrades dead body. While he was regaining composure I fired three shots at his chest. He stumbled back, clutching his chest, and then doubled over, falling down the stairs.

"Hey!" One of the few downstairs shouted. Then the whole crew rushed upstairs. Me and Sam opened fire. One, two, three were down, but they just kept rushing in. I realized soon that they were too well organized to be plain old raiders. We kept firing until our clips ran out. I dropped the gun and lunged at the one closest to me. Quicker than I expected we were on the ground and I was on top of him, I tried to punch him but was overthrown by one of the guys in there. I rolled over to face my oppresser, he had on a Mercenary outfit. Mercenaries? What do they want with me? He slammed the but of his weapon in my face.

"We got fres..."
His voice trailed off, but his lips kept moving. I could barely makeout what he said, my brain was too busy pulsating with pain. My vision got blurry, and I lost feeling in my face. All I could feel was hurt. He stood up and kicked me. I blacked out.


I woke up at last, in darkness. Darkness, no not darkness, I hate darkness.
"No. NO. No no no no no get me out. I can't be here. I shut my eyes as tight as I could and rolled on my stomach. The air became dirty and humid. Heat and darkness. I started hearing sounds. Screams. I saw my mother, looking at me, needle in hand.

"Marcus baby, this will hurt a lot, so be ready."

Aaarrrgh!. I couldn't take it. The walls, they were on me. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. Then I saw light, white and beautiful. I saw a body come out of the light. Who was it.. was it Sam? It was Sam!

"Come on, bossman wants to see you."

"Huh, Sam? What? Where are you taking me?"

He dragged me by my legs out into the light. I lifted my head in utter confusion and caught a glimpse o my so called saviour. That's when i saw it wasn't Sam at all. It was another raider. That's when I realized I was screwed. There was no way out of this one. I let my head hit he floor. The pain registered but I didn't care, my head was spinning anyway. Eventuallly, I came to a stop and I felt my legs hit the ground.

"Look at me, boy."

I struggled to lift up my top half so I could see who was talking to me. It was the same fella in the Mercernary armor. As my eyes adjusted on his face, I saw that his face wasn't normal. He had a scar on his face that went across his right eye, and the eye that was under the scar was...different. It wasnt the shape color, or even the same look to it as the other eye. No, the eye on the right side was...smaller. Next to him was the frightened face of a woman, in mid scream.
What kind of sickness is this?

Then I looked up, and immediately I wished I hadn't. There were head's on the ceiling, all with the same mortified expression. All those people, dead. There had to be at least fifty heads on the ceiling. I turned over and vomited whatever food I'd scraqed up over the past few days.

"Yes, yes. Take it all in. It is a bit...overwhelming the first time you see it."

He stood up and began to slowly...ever so deliberately, walk towards me.

"This," he opened his arms to indicate the room. "This is my humble abode. And these," He looked up at the ceiling. "These are my trophies...memoirs if you will. Of pasts battles and victories." He stopped walking and looked into my eyes. I managed to look into his. But all I saw was death. I, am Dead Eye. Welcome to Hell."

There's no way out

Day 5

Hmm, not too bad. I'm curious as to way these "raiders" want him. Just have a few problems with grammar and what not,



Quotation mark can go.

Comma in between Marcus and baby.

Small stuff like that. Less and less for me to fix for you. Keep it up.

I liked this, it's a very amusing writing style along with enough real talent to keep me interested in spite of the moments of absurdity. (no offense intended) Very entertaining, keep going. :tops:

Absurdity, please do tell. And if you haven't read the first chapter.

I found and read the first chapter. A few things make more sense to me now. I like your style Ant, you've managed to build tension the right way, and you've made your character a little flawed,a little vulnerable. That's good, gutsy writing. Too many people make their characters invulnerable, invincible, kick-ass,bad-ass, whatever. You know what that is? Bad writing and boring. Yes, there are mistakes in grammar, spelling and logic(that's why I used the word 'absurd') but those are skills that can be learned. You have a natural sense for what makes a story move, and that is much harder to develop. Keep going. :thumbsup:

Chapter 6: A Time to Kill


I was in hell all over again. Towering over my sick vulnerable body was the shell of an entity so evil, he must've known the Devil himself. This man...was Dead Eye. Collector of souls, harvester of humans. How could someone so sinister still have a functioning brain. All I could manage saying was:

"Why?"

He laughed. His voice echoing through the depths of my being. This shouldn't be possible.

"Why, my boy? Actually I don't know. It's just...the feeling you get once you claim another soul. I remember the first time I killed one... a very long time ago. I was only 4 years old at the time. My parents used to take me out with them to hunt. One day we were attacked by savages. Cannibals who wanted their dinner. They made me watch as they killed and ate my parents, then they made me eat them too."

His face darkened and his lips twisted, as if remembering the taste. Then he smiled, sporting red and yellow tinted teeth, a little too sharp.

"I tried to close my eyes, then one of them, their leader, pried one of them right outta my socket. After that I became older, and grew. I became...more aware. Ever since that day, I've wanted to exact my revenge upon the leader of that cult. When I felt it was the right moment, I bit his throat off. Victory never tasted so sweet. I took his eye with me and put it in my own, so everyone knew what happened, knew who I was. Since that day, I have donned is armor, and since that day his followers became mine. Since that day... I became Dead Eye."

Never in my hundreds of years have I heard of this man, and never in my hundreds of years have I been so mortified and disgusted. Anger began to subside when sadness once was. I felt, my body begin to gain strength, I was becoming Marcus again.

"Where is Sam?"

He widened his eyes in recognition. "Ahhh, the one that was with you. Well I felt his presence wasn't exactly... necessary." He looked up at the ceiling. I knew better than to look up. His reaction told me enough. Shame what happened to him. I wouldn't let myself think about the torture he had to go through.

"Well why do you want me? Why haven't you killed me yet?"

"I am a man of strategy. I don't want to take over the world, but I do want to stay alive for as long as I can. That means outfitting myself with the best armed guns. You could help me. I want you to work for me. You get a place to sleep, you get protection, oh...and you keep your life. I don't like to claim ghouls as trophies...too ugly, but if you double cross me, I will kill you."

The man is demented, but I needed to stay alive, so I told him I'll do whatever he wants.

"Good." he said.

1 hour later

I was now outfitted with my old gear, Chinese Assault Rifle, and 10mm pistol, four stimpacks, and money which was fifty caps short, leaving me twenty. It doesn't matter, I'll kill every last bastard her anyway. I was posted at one of the buildings out of outside the building, which seemed to be underground. I was supposed to take two other members with me in a hunt for more wastelanders. It didn't make sense to me, how someone could live doing nothing but collecting bodies, but I didn't care about that any more. At the moment I was about to exit with the others, and none us had our weapons out. I was still being watched though, I could feel it. I knew if I pulled out my weapon I would be considered hostile. Here goes nothing.

I tuned and unyielded my weapon, aimed quickly at the slow-to-react guard and fired two shots off at his chest. One missed, one hit. The other two who were in front of me turned, now aware of what I was doing. I shot three more bullets and took them both down. The room was empty but I could hear shouts coming from deeper inside. I had my chance to escape here, but I knew that if I would, more and more people would die. This man was too evil for anyone with a soul to let him live. I took a good look t the exit, and ran back in, determined to save the lives of the Wastes.

Alrighty, not bad.

I feel sorry for Sam, I kind of feel sorry for Dead Eye also. One thing ticked me off, if you can spell out hundreds, why the hell can't you spell out twenty and fifty? Those numbers make a blemish on the page that my eyes are constantly drawn back too. Besides that you had the occasionally grammar mistake, like:



Mines are dangerous. I'm sure you meant mine.



Here

Other than, good job. I was quite surprised that he would turn on them some quickly, very anti climatic.

But really, though, fix those numbers. Please.

Ok, this chapter is not without it's charm, but I don't think it's as strong as the previous five. You asked before why I used the word 'absurd', now I'll give you an example. When Dead Eye is telling the story about biting the throat out of the clan leader and then in the very next sentence, he says that victory never tasted so sweet.. That's absurd. Don't get me wrong, I think you have talent and stand by that, but if you paid a little more attention to what you're really saying, your storytelling would improve dramatically and be easier on your readers. Also, Yytrium gives good technical advice I think you should heed, if you want to improve. Looking forward to more. :liplick: