at what point in a relationship... : Othor Games

» Sat Jan 10, 2015 7:59 am

So, i was just talking to an old friend of mine who I had graduated highschool with..

He has been married for 3 years, but is now going through a divorce..
the reason behind the divorce is he had the Mumps several years back, and as a result he is completely sterile (aka, can't have Children).. his wife feels he lied to her by not immediately informing her of this medical complication when they started to date..

So, it made me wonder.. at what point in a relationship should one bring up "fertility issues"? (be it the man or the woman who has the issue)

» Sat Jan 10, 2015 11:53 am

when you can get into the other members pants.

» Sat Jan 10, 2015 7:27 am

She sounds like an ass from the way your decribing the wifes actions, adopt then, if thats the only reason their divorcing, but then again, if thats all she cares about maybe its for the best.

hopefully her womb becomes cursed.

» Sat Jan 10, 2015 4:27 am

The ability to have, or not have, children can be a deal breaker for some people regardless of whether or not adopting is an option. I think the topic of having children should have come up before they got engaged.

» Sat Jan 10, 2015 6:40 am

now im curious, but i dont think i should ask the question i have.

» Sat Jan 10, 2015 6:47 am

Well it can easily be discussed at the dating phase by asking each other about if they want children someday.

» Sat Jan 10, 2015 12:45 am

When you start dating someone for the very first time, (I'd hope) the first thing that's running through your mind isn't "I wonder if they want kids or not." It's a conversation for later, for sure, but is it an ice breaker? An opener?

Also, wanting kids and being sterile are two different things. Why not adopt? Why not use artificial insemination? Why just abandon a relationship over an insecurity like that? My guess is something else is going on.

» Sat Jan 10, 2015 12:13 pm

During the watching movies together stage of the relationship.

a. ask her if she wants to watch a movie
b. show her a video of the most disgusting and painful birth you can get your hands on
c. tell her you're sterile

That's the best way to do it in my opinion.

» Sat Jan 10, 2015 1:30 am

I would talk about kids and the idea of kids before marriage. At that point, you let them know you can't have any.

This is one of those freshmen high schooler conversations where you go back and forth about favorite color, movies, and things about the future you want for yourself...it's a cute conversation when you're younger but as you get older it takes on a more serious meaning. It's something one needs to disclose.

It's unfortunate they can't find an alternative to have a child with him being sterile: adoption, sperm donation, etc.

» Sat Jan 10, 2015 3:36 am

You could talk about it and agree about it all you want. But there is not always a way to know before hand. So if he became sterile after they married, would that have been a deal breaker? Did he even realize he could not have children when they married? It could have just as easily been her that could not have children and she would not know until she tried.

Generally we marry the person we want to spend the rest of our life with and children are not always part of that union for many reasons.

Anyway, if he knew before they married, yes he should have told her of this. They have made their decision to divorce now so just wish them be best and be honest in all things with whomever you plan to marry.

» Sat Jan 10, 2015 5:50 am

I don't think that's fair, the strongest instinct in all living organisms is to breed, whether they're conscious of it or not, it's actually the only reason anything is doing anything at all. Given that it's a totally justified reason to break it off with someone, THE most justified, hanging out with someone who can't have kids is purely a huge waste of time.

I feel sorry for the infertile guy but this woman never agreed to be a martyr and sacrifice her life for the good of not hurting his feelings.

I think you should be 100% upfront about such an issue before a relationship can even really start. Some people out there won't care, and that's who infertile people need to find. It's a big ask to expect someone who wants to have children to just not because you can't. Might as well ask them to jump in a volcano, that's essentially what you're doing, asking them to end their genetic legacy right there. Like I said, a big ask.

Adopting and breeding is not even kind of the same thing.

» Sat Jan 10, 2015 7:11 am

I thought maybe her reasons had more to do with him hiding an important information than with the information itself, but if she wanted to know it back when they started dating... Sounds like she went into it with the plan of having children at some point. If it's so important to her, she should have mentioned it earlier - they're both responsible for the situation they ended up in. Of course, it leaves the question of what she'd do if one of them became infertile after they were married...

As for your question, I have no clue. I feel it's something you should talk about before marriage (or the serious commitment stage of relationship, whatever), but it's such a non-issue for me I'd probably wait until my partner brought it up.

» Sat Jan 10, 2015 4:56 pm

Bingo! Definitely before getting married. That is kind of a deal breaker for many. People just do not take marriage seriously anymore. Get hitched, have six and a few kids, call it quits. Rinse and repeat.

By the way, did she mention to your friend her thoughts about children, or is it all "his fault?"