ok so heres a list of whos what:

Altmer: Mustard

They're yellow, mustard's yellow. Sort of hard to stand if it's just a bunch of one or the other. If you eat lots of mustard by itself or go into a room with just Altmer in it, you're in for a pretty bad time. There's a bit (but not too much) of white wine in the good kinds of both.

Imperials: Ketchup

Your "bread-and-butter" if you will. Not the first, but they go on everything. During the Middle Dawn, after the Marukhati Selectives danced on the tower, Cyrodiil became an "empire across the stars." Similarly, you have to hit the bottle at just the right angle and just the right amount to get good results out of ketchup.

Orcs: Hamburger Relish

I would like to go with regular relish for the green=green comparison that, at its surface, seems so inviting. It's too superficial, though. Perhaps the original Trinimac-worshippers could have been such a relish, and truly a good companion to the mustard-folk, but they have been tainted. Hamburger relish reminds me a bit of poop. It's the same colour as Ketchup, which hints nicely at the newly-forged relationship between the Orcs and the Imperials.

Khajiit: Table Syrup

They both come in many containers and most importantly [the rest of Khajiits=Table Syrup]

Dunmer: Worcestershire Sauce

They're a mish-mash of good stuff. There's something fishy about them. They were invented in 1837. They were bought out by the people who own Ketchup a little while ago, which changed their distribution but not the basic ingredients. Hard-to-pronounce-ness is associated with these two things.

Bosmer: Vinegar

Mohammed Ali to the Khajiit's foot powder, which is a bad comparison for many reasons. They are sour and will eat you slowly if you surround yourself with them. Better than ketchup if you want to eat some fries. Also, [whizz].

Redguards: Whipped Cream

Speaks for itself. The sinking of Yokuda is like when you put ordinary cream into a whipping machine/whipper. Things just got shook up, and then [penguin ballet?]! Pirates. Whipped cream is always put on the dessert last, like how the Redguards got to Tamriel last.

Argonians: Pepper

Pepper is not a condiment. It makes you sneeze and sometimes [allegedly] poisons the entire southern half of your continent.



That's all I've got so far. Does anyone think anything should be changed?

http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/333/978/ec3.jpg

I'd say Imperials are more like the special sauce that fast food restaurants use, though. You start with tangy, delicious ketchup, and then mix it with mayonnaise, which can itself be rather tasty, but it's a more comfortable, mild kind of tasty. Nobody really has any strong opinions about mayonnaise, and when you mix it with ketchup, you get something mild and inoffensive, and oddly familiar, because so many restaurants use it.

This thread is nurse for our sin forum.

Anyway, uh, I guess this makes Bretons chip shop sauce (which, as far as I know, is a condiment specific to my home town, and consists of vinegar and some form of brown sauce mixed to a precise and secret recipe) since they're kind of elves but also kind of humies.

And the Tsaesci are mint sauce, because I say so.

Tsaesci are soy sauce, because we somehow have to get into reciting stereotypes.

I love this, very well done

Nords are wasabi.
Dunmer are saracha.
Imperials are salt. You put it on everything to make it last longer.
Altmer are dijon mustard.
Khajiit are custard.
Argonans are honey.
Orcs are sweet and sour sauce
Redguards are hummus.
Bretons are BBQ sauce.
Bosmer are mayonnaise.

Dreugh are Tartar sauce.

Spriggans are ranch dressing.

Imps are spray cheese.

The way things are going this thread is either extremely pointless or great parody.

Anyway, Cyrodiil is soy sauce. Colovia is salty soy sauce and Nibenay is sweet soy sauce. Most of the mainstream crowd only think of salty dark brown water when they think of soy sauce, but there are other kinds and they're excellent, dammit.

I don't like where this thread is going and what it implies is simply offensive. For starters, Imperials are clearly mayonnaise. Big, bloatish and somewhat popular until recently. And aren't orcs more like pesto sauce? And no, Redguards aren't soy sauce. I could go on forever with this, but since I'm slightly shaken and disturbed based on the rather ra(u)nchy comments people are posting here, so I better just lie down and take a deep breath. I'm having a feeling this thread will live on at least until TESVI.

Dragons- Hot sauce

Nords are frosting, or vanilla icecream.

Sure, Khajiit could be table syrup. They're very smooth, and they move slowly when they're cold but fast, almost like water, when they reach the proper temperature. They go well with meats and breads, both of which you can find in desert cultures, but not so much with the greens. Sometimes you get too much of them in one spot and you lose whatever food was underneath. And of course, they have lots of sugar.

someone's gotta post that to Alduin, they're all roast beef

And I have now done just that.

Great thread!

This is the weirdest thread...

Bosmer - Curry

Sload- jello or just plain old animal fat. Not a condiment, but appropriate.

Please, no stereotypes in this thread. This is serious scholarly work and I don't want this to get locked.

I like the idea of Imperials being soy sauce. The Nibenese/Colovian split needs to be represented somewhere, and if not in Oblivion then at least in our precious sauceologue. Fermentation is a process which becomes the Cyrodiils. Their long time of enslavement is like being in a jar with funky stuff. Colovians are totally the salty to the Nibenese sweet.

Nords = Wasabi? Yes, that's a great point. In addition to the MK significance, they also can hurt your nose pretty bad. They are good by themselves and I think two words that make me think "Nords" most are 'horse' and 'radish'. Wasabi is pale and blue-eyed.

PCVorholzer: The Bosmer aren't curry. Get your head in the game, man (or robot, or woman, or creature)! That's a series of spices. Unless you mean curry paste, like what's common in McDonald'ses in England, in which case I still disagree because curry is the amalgam without equal and Bosmer are already Vinegar. Because of Mohammed Ali and foot powder. Or they could be Mississipi Mustard, that vile, advlterated neon junk. It's too deviated from good mustard to be considered mustard at all anymore. It's like mayonnaise. Speaking of which:

Bretons = Mayonnaise. White, pasty, eggy, been whipped quite a lot before. People who are used to wasabi might go on a killing rampage the first time they come into contact with mayonnaise, much like the early Nords who mistook the Bretons for elves until they heard their cries. Mayonnaise doesn't cry in Nordic, but not every anology can be perfect.

Thanks, everybody, you're doing great! We'll get to the bottom of this soon enough.

P.S. Imps are spray cheese? So much yes.

I actually think Bosmer are sweet mustard. Look into a glass of that stuff and you see sugar crystals stare back at you. That's the kind of stuff people in Bavaria eat with their infamous "Wei?würstl". Honestly, I'd rather sleep with my horse.

If hunger is called a spice, then I pose it can also be a condiment. Bosmer are starvation. Given a suitable amount, then everything tastes better.

I kind of disagree with this topic though. I think it does a grave disservice to each of the races and to the respective condiments being mentioned, to just make a 1-1 comparison. Each race is a collection of condiments that have been mixed together and then given their own special flavoring. Saying the Altmer are like mustard is fails to take into account that mustard changes dramatically over time and place. There are all sorts of mustards. If you pick dijon mustard, from what time period is it from? Because it differs. The formula is constantly getting tweaked all the time.

Just saying...

I think daedra are hot sauce. They come in lots of bottles and mixtures, but they all have a kick to them. Most people recognize that it's going to burn their mouths and upset their stomachs, but certain people want a bit more daring to their meals and seek out the heat. You start off adding only a few drops to your food to acclimate yourself to the heat, and when you think you've mastered the sauce and it won't bite back, you start adding more and seeking out hotter sauces. But eventually, you're going to add way too much sauce that's way too hot and it'll get the better of you. Daedric Princes are clearly ghost chili sauce except when they're not, which is more common than you might think.

Sheogorath - Cheese!

(Anyone? No? Okay then...)

I doubt Nords will like being called "sauce". They like to think of themselves as big manly crunchy things. Probably bacon or something. Altmer will want to be the best sauce of the lot. And if you say Orsimer are sauce you'll have a hammer to the face in no time.

I propose that Altmer are honey.

Honey stays roughly the same forever, provided there is no contamination, but they do stagnate over time (harden and crystallize).

Altmer -- Aetheric Bechamel

Bosmer -- Bacon bits that are people.

Dunmer -- Fish sauce with a Marlboro Red filter it.

Dwemer -- Tonal Ketchup.

Falmer -- Chaurus Nutella

Orcs -- Vegemite with Rye whiskey in it.

Khajiit -- Simple Syrup, laced with Meth.

Saxhleel -- Avocado-Mint-Salmon Maple Syrup.

Nord -- Mead and Cheese Sauce.

Raga -- Fig and Tangerine and Worksweat Consomme.

Breton -- Scheming Plum Pudding Brandy Sauce.

Cyrodil -- Mango Salsa.

Wasabi is chimeri-quey, not nords. Nori condiment is maormer.

Firstly, I'm insulted by the lack of Giants in this thread. I suppose I'll have to be the first to mention them, for a true consideration of all of the races, rather than ignoring half of them.

The Giants are clearly molasses. They're both slow, and they're both known for launching people upwards by swinging down.

Also, the Dwemer are clearly metal shavings. Quite a painful condiment, but entirely fitting.

And everybody else is wasabi.