In any case, after two hours of doing everything every website has said, I got nothing. So if anyone else has any ideas or is going through a similar thing, feel free to share. If you're not having problems, that's great, we're all happy and excited for you, but a lot of people are having problems so...
Just in case it makes a difference, I'm running Vista 64-bit, GTX 260M, Core 2 Duo P8700 @2.53 GHz, and 4 GB of RAM. I'm really just looking to fix this, whether it's by a mod, an official patch, or bribing a politician, I just want to play my game.